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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not use the baby name we picked because she has used it?

234 replies

Elciekay · 28/02/2023 23:02

So I'll try to be as unemotional about this as possible and this is incredibly outing but I'm genuinely at a loss as what to do.

Also this is my first ever thread and I'm not 100% sure on all the MN acronyms!

I have a step-sister who I lived with since I was aged 6 until 15 (she went to university). Our family consists of my mum, brother, me and my sted-dad and two step-sisters.

DSS is 4 years older than me. She became pregnant last spring/summer. I became pregnant last summer. Her due date was 8 weeks before mine. Both expecting girls.

DSS told my mum she liked the name Josephine. My mum told her Elciekay has chosen that name.

DSS said 'oh well we are going to call her Joey and Elciekay can call hers Josie'

Fast forward to today and DSS has finally told my Mum she named her daughter Josphine (4 weeks old)

I am very upset as I had my heart set on Josephine/Josie.
I am due in 4 weeks.

So my question is, do I use the name anyway or not? Yes we have other options but none feel quite right.

For what it's worth the family get together now between 8-10 times a year.

So:

  • AIBU it's a name, who cares if they have the same name?
  • YANBU they can't have the same name, pick something else
OP posts:
UnfinishedBusiness · 01/03/2023 09:32

SwordToFlamethrower · 01/03/2023 09:28

Two of my nephews are called Charlie. No one cared. Use the name you love

The issue here is that the child as she grows up may very much care that they are named after their deceased sibling. I imagine they would much prefer to hold their own name, one picked for them only. I imagine it might well make you feel like you were a replacement for someone lost, rather than a much wanted daughter in your own right.

Hadtocomment · 01/03/2023 09:32

Op you sound really nice. Your SS sounds like she maybe has a few jealousy issues or something. I don't want to judge on the internet though as she might have a different perspective.

She doesn't sound like a monster to me though. It just sounds tiring and a bit petty of her. But of course from your side it probably doesn't feel small and petty because the name has a big significance for you and also is attached to a very real and raw grief which will makes it even more significant and upsetting.

I do think it can be hard for people who haven't been through something that raw and upsetting to totally understand how big that grief can be. Your step sister may not be horrible but just insensitive or not very mature. Only you can know that. My instinct from what you've said is not to cut her off but to try not to allow her small actions upset you so much and maybe see them more about her insecurities. I know that the name has huge significance to you. It's also quite a popular and fashionable name right now and perhaps it was that that meant she was really drawn to it. Or it could be subconsciously she did want to grab attention for herself but it doesn't sound conscious somehow from what you've said.

Whether it's a petty action or completely unthinking, I'd wonder if she was a child who felt she didn't get enough attention or was a bit jealous when young etc etc. I don't know the background of your relationship. But I wouldn't cut her off for this. Siblings can go through all sorts of stages and you can be at daggers drawn at some points in life and then become extremely close at other points and they would then really regret cutting each other off at the difficult times. She sounds somewhat self-centred but I wonder if she might grow out of this or this might die down. The remark you made off the cuff about being worried about the two Josephines being compared was telling to me. You also sound conscious of some kind of competitive thing. Families can do this and it's shit. BUt you can just refuse to play that game. It's not good for either you or your step sister. Maybe your family roles have kind of set you both up in that mode slightly but you don't have to do that, kids don't have to be compared and the pair of you aren't in competition with each other, even if there are outside dynamics. I'd also say that this kind of thing can dies down a lot later on for sibs, and relationships can improve when those outside comparisons go away eventually.

On the names, it's absolutely up to you and you should feel free to choose the name you want to choose. You know you have a right to use the name you loved first. Don't even consider comparisons etc. In big families many people will have the same names and various nicknames. In the past there were so many Johns and Marys and families could be huge and sometimes even sibs got the same first names with different nicknames! The thing about your former loss is also for you to decide what works for you. Don't like either a counsellor or the internet tell you what is or isn't appropriate.

bellabasset · 01/03/2023 09:32

Wait until your baby arrives before choosing her name. You could give her a different first name with your original choice as a second name.

JenniferBarkley · 01/03/2023 09:33

I don't think OP means she would be naming the baby after it's stillborn sibling. I think she means she had a miscarriage, and had Harriet on her list for if the baby was a girl.

purpledalmation · 01/03/2023 09:42

I'd use it.

pontipinemum · 01/03/2023 09:49

I'm glad you got answers that made you feel calmer.

For what it's worth I think Josephine is a beautiful name. I am also in the group of don't call this baby after the baby you lost. I had named (only in my head) my first baby that I lost pretty early on and now I could never not associate that name with that MC. From then on I choose nicknames until I finally had a successful pregnancy.

rumporolypolyofthebailey · 01/03/2023 09:49

If you were planning to shorten it anyway why not use something like Joisette? Or just use Josie

rumporolypolyofthebailey · 01/03/2023 09:55

ok so posted before I had rtft How about Henrietta It shortens nicely to Etta

CandlelightGlow · 01/03/2023 09:58

I wouldn't care - the name you want is the name you want. I have a friend who has a friend (not a mutual one) and they both had a baby within weeks of each other and used the same name! It's just not an issue.

They already know you like it and wanted it first so it's not like you can be accused of "copying"

incitethismeetingtorebellion · 01/03/2023 09:59

Sorry for your loss OP. Giving your child the name of their sibling that you lost sounds like an awful lot of weight to put on little shoulders. From some of the replies on here some people feel differently though.
Regardless of if you were planning to use it your step sister is horrendously insensitive to give her child the name you had picked for your lost pregnancy.
I know it's not the actual name but I think Josephine is lovely. Wish I'd thought of it when we had our eldest.

Waterfallgirl · 01/03/2023 10:01

No one has ownership on a name. ( no one has ownership on a university either- weird- last time I checked lots of people could go to the same one!)

To be honest you sound like you just don’t like her and maybe that’s affecting how you feel?

I havent experienced a baby loss so my thoughts go out to those who have, but to me, a counsellor suggesting you use this name seems really strange - how will that help you get over the loss when you say the name every day? It feels to me that that’s a way of never moving forward from the loss ( I’m sorry if that feels insensitive).

But on a more practical note I feel these issues always happen when people,
-know the sex if their baby in advance,

-insist on choosing a name in early pregnancy and then
-tell everyone they know what the child’s name will be…..each one of these gives opportunity for things to go wrong/people to be offended/disappointment/sadness at something that wasn’t to be. ( recently a friends daughter delivered a boy when all through she was told it was a girl told everyone the name decorated etc - so things don’t go to plan always).

Name your child what you want OP but don’t blame or ‘cut off ‘ your DSS ( which is very dramatic) over this.

WimbyAce · 01/03/2023 10:03

As you said it was the name you had chosen for your first baby maybe you could use it as a middle name? But just depends how you feel.

CouldIBeAnymoreOuting · 01/03/2023 10:06

I would wait until she’s born OP. You might look at her and think “She doesn’t look like a Harriet / Hattie”, or you might think “Now she’s here I can’t imagine any other name for her”. Hopefully will make your decision more clear cut.

Thekirit · 01/03/2023 10:08

JudgeRudy · 01/03/2023 03:53

Don't want to presume but are you Irish? It's not usual in England. I don't think anyone would think it was abnormal, but it would certainly get noticed and probably commented on.

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣🤣

timeforachang3 · 01/03/2023 10:08

there are three male cousins in my family with the same name and three female cousins same name, all different families but if anyone was annoyed about it or thinks it odd, they don’t anymore and everyone gets on.

there was a song made up about it at a recent family birthday party and we all thought it was hilarious!

IDontWantToBeAPie · 01/03/2023 10:11

I'd probably name my child Josie. So it's still the nickname you want but they don't have he same legal name.

DustbinDimberflake · 01/03/2023 10:23

I'd personally go with Josephine! There's actually a girl where I work called Harriet and her nickname is Ettie

Seaside1972 · 01/03/2023 10:23

I'm very sorry for the loss of your first baby.

if you SS hadn’t taken the name I think it would have been reasonable for you to use the name you love. Because she has taken the name I would frame it as your first baby had that name and leave it there. Choose another. Your baby deserves to have a name that isn’t tied to loss and competition.

I had a name picked out for my entire pregnancy which I changed with a week to go.

As a pp said, Mattie is a lovely.

Resister · 01/03/2023 10:41

I picked yabu. I hope i did it right. I think you should use the name Josephine, who cares if cousins have the same name?

Lachimolala · 01/03/2023 10:49

I like Matilda/Mattie and Florence/Flossie.

Im normally someone who is firmly against using same or similar names, mainly because my cousin called his son the same first name and middle name as my son who at the time was 1. Same surname too as cousin on my dads side, it’s been 3 years and I’m fuming about it still lol.

But as the name means something so special to you and you told her you’d picked it then if you want still go ahead with it. I get what other posters are saying about separate names/identities etc. I think go for whatever you feel comfortable with, you could always use Harriet as a middle name and call her Hattie anyway?

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 01/03/2023 10:50

Choose another name. My parents gave me a name that's very similar to an older relative (e.g. Anna and Hannah) and it’s a pain in the arse. Any time there’s a family event and I think I hear someone call “Anna!” I have to go to check if they said Anna or Hannah. I know it’s hardly the labours of Hercules, but it still gets on my
tits 😁 Would it have been too difficult to choose a name that was distinct from that of a close family member?!

Thekirit · 01/03/2023 10:53

DustbinDimberflake · 01/03/2023 10:23

I'd personally go with Josephine! There's actually a girl where I work called Harriet and her nickname is Ettie

If you read further down the OPs quotes you’ll see the name isn’t Josephine. OP just used that as an example, it’s actually Harriet.

DustbinDimberflake · 01/03/2023 11:01

@Thekirit

Well. Obviously I have read and know this. Otherwise I wouldn't have referenced another nickname for Harriet. I didn't pull it out of thin air. And knowing that the name is Harriet, I said that I personally would go with Josephine.

ladycarlotta · 01/03/2023 11:07

To me there would be a difference between the OP losing her first baby quite early to miscarriage, and having said that she liked the name Harriet if it happened to be a girl, and the situation in which OP had definitely decided that the baby was called Harriet and had lost her a bit further along. I don't think this has been totally clarified? Because in the first instance it's kind of fair game, although in bad taste given that she already knew you liked the name and intended it for a future baby, but in the second she is literally taking your lost baby's actual name.

Meandfour · 01/03/2023 11:15

ladycarlotta · 01/03/2023 11:07

To me there would be a difference between the OP losing her first baby quite early to miscarriage, and having said that she liked the name Harriet if it happened to be a girl, and the situation in which OP had definitely decided that the baby was called Harriet and had lost her a bit further along. I don't think this has been totally clarified? Because in the first instance it's kind of fair game, although in bad taste given that she already knew you liked the name and intended it for a future baby, but in the second she is literally taking your lost baby's actual name.

OP is also wanting to use the lost baby’s actual name.