AIBU to not use the baby name we picked because she has used it?

[Elciekay]

So I'll try to be as unemotional about this as possible and this is incredibly outing but I'm genuinely at a loss as what to do.

Also this is my first ever thread and I'm not 100% sure on all the MN acronyms!

I have a step-sister who I lived with since I was aged 6 until 15 (she went to university). Our family consists of my mum, brother, me and my sted-dad and two step-sisters.

DSS is 4 years older than me. She became pregnant last spring/summer. I became pregnant last summer. Her due date was 8 weeks before mine. Both expecting girls.

DSS told my mum she liked the name Josephine. My mum told her Elciekay has chosen that name.

DSS said 'oh well we are going to call her Joey and Elciekay can call hers Josie'

Fast forward to today and DSS has finally told my Mum she named her daughter Josphine (4 weeks old)

I am very upset as I had my heart set on Josephine/Josie.
I am due in 4 weeks.

So my question is, do I use the name anyway or not? Yes we have other options but none feel quite right.

For what it's worth the family get together now between 8-10 times a year.

So:

• AIBU it's a name, who cares if they have the same name?

• YANBU they can't have the same name, pick something else

It's strange she stole your name tbh, but can't control that unfortunately
My DH has the same name as his cousin, but it was their grandfather's name
It feels a bit strange to do same name nowadays but if you've got your heart set on it then do it
I think I prefer some of the alternatives mentioned on here to Harriet though!

Heather sounds kind of similar to me as an option?

I think the bigger concern here is that you’d consider naming your child after a baby you’d lost who you’d already named…

I don't think the idea here is to express an opinion on the alternatives, but...er..no, Josephine is not. Of the list given, I'd go for Matilda.

See, isn't that a help?

This. Speaking as one, being the first child born after a loss comes with a lot of emotional baggage as it is. Naming your new baby after the one you lost - that's not a good thing (and Im putting that mildly).

Use the name, pick a lovely middle name too and you can call her either if you like. You don’t see her much as she has behaved unfairly imo, so it’s all fair game.

you had your heart set on the name and you want to use it. Done deal.

My cousins ( brother and sister) gave their daughters the same name. They were born 4 years apart so the first “Anne” was well established when second was born. It wasn’t a name that could be shortened or changed but no one seemed to mind.
If you really like Josephine go for it.

Haven't read the whole thread just your responses but could you use it as a middle name? And then think of first name that is really meaningful to you so you don't regret it?

Then if you change your mind you could always call her by her middle and instead which quite a lot of people do

I'm surprised at all the people questioning your decision to use the same name as your previous pregnancy. If OP is comfortable with it and feels that would help her that's all that matters, telling her she shouldn't do it is cruel, regardless of what other people would do.

In these circumstances I would just use it. She fully knew you were intending to and it wouldn't cause a fall out. I'd either just use it, or use the shortened version.

You can use it.
My brother a d a cousin of ours are both called John after their dads. They were born a few months apart.
It's no issue. And I this case you'll be using different shortened versions so it's even better

No policing at all. I was clarifying why I didn't find @TheBigWangTheory s response nasty.

Even if you disagreed, icky would probably not be the correct word.

Counsellors shouldn’t be recommending anything. It’s the first rule of counselling - you don’t advise. SS should not have used that name knowing the story behind it, I would be upset about that. But not to the extent I’d cut her off, I’d try and rise above it and be the better person. But I would pick a different name for your new baby to give her a different identity from her older sister who sadly didn’t make it. Sorry for your loss OP

Really?
You cant see any issues at all with being named after your dead sibling? Nothing?

www.researchgate.net/publication/343743389_Necronym_the_effects_of_bearing_a_dead_little_sibling's_name

Theres some interesting stuff in here, (I skim read it, and these bits stood out to me)

Whereas ‘subsequent child’entails all children born after the loss of an older sibling,the term ‘replacement child’refers to a child conceived shortly after this loss (Cain & Cain,1964; Olmsted & Poznanski, 1972). Krell and Rabkin (1980)Q7 identified three types of135replacement embodied in surviving children, all of which derive from parents’consciousand unconscious expectations: the ‘haunted child’, who often knows nothing about theirpredecessor, causing the parents to suffer from guilt and shame; the ‘bound child’,characterised by excessive protection; and the ‘resurrected child’, who is treated asa reincarnation.

Theme 2: identity problems related to the necronymThe name itself was mostly associated with a deep feeling of loss. The narratives of Sofia,Simone and Ilaria continually evoked the oxymoron of absent presence:265My name continually reminds me of this loss.

The sorrow has become deeper since I visited his grave and saw my name on the tombstone; tears came down on me like a river. Very sorry,I’m still very sorry for this loss [Sofia 4:7]

I would have liked to have had a sister with her name, different from me and with a namedifferent from my own name, perhaps a younger or older sister, but concrete –not a dead one270with my name. Not something that is nothing. Somehow my name suggests to me that itindicates non-existence [Simone 5:23].

I never wished for her. I never wanted to visit her at the cemetery. Never. I don’t want to seemy name on the tombstone. To me, she doesn’t exist. I have only to carry on the condemna-tion of inheriting the name [Ilaria 19:12].275

In other cases, the name became a placeholder that indicated absent presence as theimpending void of death –a void that the replacement child was made to fill to assuagetheir parents’unconscious needs.

I would love to hear all this from the side of the step sister.

My uncle ,my mums brother used same name for their sons. My dad has same name as one of his nephews. I think its not that uncommon in families for names to be repeated. I think in your shoes I would use the name you have already chosen and love, as in reality they will use different nicknames anyway and will both make the name their own.
I do think in your circumstances I would probably not be that impressed with your stepsister, but try and not take too much notice and dont let her influence you too much or make you feel you cant use it

What about Kitty? you could have a formal version 'Kathryn' but call her Kitty.

I would use it.

Firstly, your DSS knew it is the name you'd chosen, it's not a surprise for her. I actually think it's cruel of her to use it in the circumstances.

Secondly, I had the same name as my cousin. We saw each other less (about once a year), but it caused zero issues.

My son has the same name as my brother's son, nobody cares it's just a name. I hardly ever see my brother so I knew it wasn't going to be an issue.
Call your daughter Josephine, the shortened names you both are going to use are very different. All the best.

@Ceryneianhind I'd say it depends how the parents handle it and how much they reference their loss. I wouldn't try and tell OP how to grieve, either way.

I've only read through your posts OP, but YANBU that seems like a petty thing for DSS to do. I do think using a different name would be best for you though, how about Alexandra - Alex/Lexi?

With your update, like others. I am very surprised by your councillor. I am so sorry for your loss, but surely that name, in your little family is already taken by your first daughter? I find it very strange that they suggested naming your next child the name you gave your first child. I would seriously consider a different name, and your step sister is a c*%t for using the name of your first child who didn't survive, but was still a much loved baby in her own right.

OP

Go for something entirely different . Is there a grandmother or ancestors name you can have?

Harriet/ Harry isnt a great name

Josephine/ Josie is better

How about Haidie (Hay-dee), or Hallie?

But I really like Josephine!

Hester or Henrietta w nn of Hettie

Two of my nephews are called Charlie. No one cared. Use the name you love