To ask for tips from mothers?

[AlmostaMamma]

I’m pregnant with our first and super excited. Also slightly terrified. All the feels. 😊

To all the mums on here, I’d love to know - what’s the one piece of solid gold advice you wish someone had given you when you were expecting your first baby? It might be something about giving birth, a seemingly inane life tip, or a life changing realisation you’ve had since becoming a mum, but please share.

Having had two babies now, I'm trying to think what I learnt by getting it wrong with baby 1 that has gone better with baby 2 and have come up with the below:

1. Don't be fluffy about birth planning and only think about the 'nice' birth you would prefer - think a lot about 'if that happens, then I want this' and be prepared to advocate for yourself. Learn most importantly about your RIGHTS as a terrible number of HCPs will just totally walk all over a labouring woman given half the chance, especially a first time mother. Read Why Human Rights in Childbirth Matter. Make sure you have a birth partner who understands your views and wishes and who you can rely to back you up or to speak for you if you are unable. Remember that at NO point, if you are conscious, should anything be done to you without your informed consent. They should never be telling you what will happen, they should always be asking. Being informed, using their language, and understanding what is being suggested and what alternatives may exist, is your absolute best defence against being railroaded.

2. If you do end up with an unplanned c-section (I did, twice) INSIST on proper post-surgical pain relief and aftercare. My first section I was treated like utter shit (fuck you, Newham hospital), had to beg and plead for paracetamol, was not helped to mobilise to the shower so lay sweaty and bloody in bed in total agony for hours. It was my first baby so I had no idea this was not normal or acceptable. My second section was in a different city and I was given Oramorph before the anaesthetic had worn off so the horrible agony I was expecting never kicked in at all, which made caring for my baby post-birth so so much easier. In recovery, I was given a bed wash by the midwife - I actually cried because I felt so cared for, couldn't stop thanking her for giving me that bit of dignity. When I compare the two experiences I am SO ANGRY about what I went through the first time. Do not accept shoddy treatment, there is no way any other post-surgical parent would be neglected the way some hospitals neglect post-section mums. It is misogyny pure and simple.

3. Breastfeeding/bottle feeding isn't a binary all-or-nothing thing. First baby I was obsessed with exclusively breastfeeding, and there was a lot of struggle with pain/nipple damage at first but I persisted (which I don't regret), largely due to terror that one bottle of formula would threaten the virgin gut, or that one bottle of expressed milk would create nipple confusion and kill my breastfeeding dream. Second baby took matters out of my hands by flat out REFUSING to breastfeed (and I had bf before so I did know all the tricks, she just WOULD NOT) and I had to bottlefeed on day 3 to stop her going into hypoglycaemic shock - for a day with formula and then once i had got a pump with EBF. I thought it was the end, that she would never breastfeed, consoled myself that at least she was getting my milk albeit by bottle. Over time she started bf overnight, and then eventually at about 9/10 months she shoved away the bottles and moved to EBF. She's two now and I can't prise her off :P

That was a bit of an essay but the point is, don't feel you have to choose one or the other. Mixed feeding can help bridge a breastfeeding gap and doesn't need to mean it's all over. If you find EBF overwhelming, it can help to support you if baby will take a bottle from someone else. Pumping is not always an unqualified nightmare (hugely recommend an in-bra hands free pump, so you can get on with other things while pumping instead of anxiously watching the bottle fill whilst listening to your baby crying and not being able to pick them up). Don't let perfect be the enemy of good enough or good enough for now.

3. It is completely and totally normal to want to be with your baby all the time, to feel uncomfortable being away from them. So much of the narrative now is about 'getting your life/body back' that I think those of us who get really primal about our babies can be made to feel a bit weird. It is totally natural. Do what feels right to you. Likewise if you do feel overwhelmed and need space, that is also normal and fine, as long as baby is receiving loving care from a main caregiver they will be absolutely fine.

4. Follow your baby's lead. They are little development/learning machines, and they will do it more or less on their own given the right supportive environment. Let them get on with it and support them when they start doing things. You don't need to 'train' them or 'stimulate' them all the time. Relax and watch the magic happen. Get used to repeating the same activity a million times, it takes a very long time for (for example) peekaboo to get old to a newborn baby.

5. Tell your partner/mum/MIL/etc what you want them to do to help you. Be clear and unapologetic. I spent a lot of time trying to prove how on top of everything I was with baby 1, which had two outcomes - my partner feeling pushed out and me feeling very resentful and lonely. Sit around and ask for someone to bring you a cuppa/pass you a cushion/be quiet and let you doze/take the baby while you have a shower. Be demanding! You as a new mum are going to have all your resources drawn on in ways you can't even imagine now - get used to asking for and accepting help of all kinds from as many places as possible and feeling zero guilt or shame about doing so.

Oh and the other thing is - right now - enjoy your spare time!! I have no idea what I did with all the hours and hours of the day I wasn't working before I had kids. I can't believe I ever felt like I was busy. Really relish being able to just go out of the house when you feel like it, read a book without being interrupted, whatever you most enjoy doing with your time that will not be compatible with a small demanding human being needing you most of the time :) And make sure you have a plan with your partner so that BOTH of you will be able to keep up your interests when the newborn madness subsides and you feel ready to be apart from your baby. Don't let a status quo be established just because in the early months just for practical reasons it's always you with the baby.

Congratulations, it's absolutely wonderful and life-changing and while you won't love every minute, very few mothers wouldn't say it's the best thing that they've ever done :)

Try to trust your instincts. I know easier said than done but everything from giving birth to raising your child is natural and we've been doing it before books, computers, doctors etc.

Oh and accept help, whether that's your neighbour with grown up kids (and broody for grandkids) or a kindly lady on a plane offering to walk up and down so you can eat, we are offering genuinely to help you

Put your baby to bed awake so they learn to self settle.

Don't stress over food, you don't want a food anxious child.

Everything passes. The days are long but the years are very short.

Oh another one - you still have a bump after the birth! I was expecting to be able to go home in my pre-pregnancy clothes. In fact I still looked 6 months pregnant and it took weeks to get back to a more normal shape. I did have a big bump anyway so it might be less of an issue for some, but make sure you have all the loose and stretchy clothes still to hand.

Oh and btw all the bollocks about babies 'learning to self-settle' is bollocks, don't feel bad about it. My eldest would have lived her life surgically attached to my armpit if she could help it and contact-napped until she was 2.5. My youngest, from the day she was born, would feed and then roll on her side away from me to go to sleep and has always napped alone in her basket/bed. Didn't do anything particularly different with them, they were just different people. Parent the baby you have and don't stress yourself trying to make them behave 'right'. They won't be sleeping on you when they're 5, which will come around so so much sooner than you think.

Oh God yes this. Was SO unimpressed when I looked at myself in the mirror post-partum, wondered if they'd left another baby in there! It will sort itself out soon enough, don't panic!

This 💯

And sleep when the baby sleeps is BS (if only!)

Take mini syringes to grab colostrum if the baby won’t latch

black/navy blue nightie for hospital, massive black pants, jug for pouring water over sore bits after you wee.

Don’t worry if you hate the newborn stage, it gets better and seek support

A bit late for my golden advice, but for anyone who isn’t pregnant yet - lose a couple of stone before getting pregnant. That gives you a few inches leeway when you expand with pregnancy, so you have a chance of avoiding permanent disfigurement from loose skin and stretch marks.

Oh final v practical tip - get some reusable maternity pads for the post-birth bleeding. Locchia is DISGUSTING stuff, it really stinks I find, and it's so heavy the disposable ones are like paper mattresses and for some reason made really cheaply - I got so sore from them rubbing and chafing. Used Cheeky Wipes reusables second time round and they were much softer and nicer, just as absorbent, and stank far less! Rinsing them out is a bit grim and time-consuming - I found the best method was to take them in the shower with me and then stamp up and down on them like I was crushing grapes in a barrel until the water ran clear, then you just put them in the sealed box of cold water/peppermint oil and wash them in the washing machine on a gentle setting when you're ready.

Sorry it's a bit gross but it is what it is. One of the great positives of childbirth/baby-raising is that if you're at all squeamish now, you won't be by the end :P My sis used to be emetophobic - two home births and two kids later, she is totally unphased by vom, poo, or anything else!

I wouldn't call loose skin and stretchmarks 'disfigurements' and think it's a bit shit to do so frankly. They are just the natural consequences for a lot of women of growing and birthing human beings.

But I would certainly suggest that if you are planning to get pregnant, try and get in as good a physical condition as you can beforehand. I did not do this with either of my pregnancies alas, and I have knee pain, back pain, was permanently exhausted etc. Really wish I'd built some muscle and endurance, done some weight training etc first to support the extra weight during pregnancy and to help with the bit where you're constantly carrying around a baby.

Another good thing to do if you don't manage to get in tip top condition beforehand is to look into personal training afterwards, a lot of PTs specialise in postnatal and some of them even run baby-friendly sessions - my PT friend did me some mates' rates sessions and would hold my second baby for me while I worked out, bless her, and it did me so much good postnatally both to take the time for me once a week and the boost to my endorphins from doing some proper exercise. Worth looking into if you can afford it!

For when they're slightly older - each day that feels like groundhog day to you is one more building block of their future mental health.

I let some mum friends talk me out of sleep training at 7/8mo. Now at 14mo DD is still waking up 2-3 times most nights and I am a wreck. It's not for everyone but I wish I'd done it months ago

Share leave with your partner!

Christ no. Why would I want to do that?!

Because regardless of whether you went back to work after 6 or 9 or 12 months, at some point you will be back at work and you will want your partner to pull his weight and be an equal parent. Which is far more likely to happen if he took shared parental leave.

Never had that issue. DH was an equal parent from the start, I wouldn’t have accepted anything less.

Because parenting is a shared endeavour when the child has two parents?

As much as you can share parenting duties (nappy changes, bath time, naps, feeding if FF) mum and baby have a biological pull towards each other particularly in that first year that dads just don’t have.

DH has always been an equal parent in terms of practical responsibilities. We even shared nights despite being EBF.

But I would never have given up any of my leave for him, and he wouldn’t have asked me to.

Bahahahahahaha

@Botw1 nailed it. First response

Go with your gut, you know the baby better than anyone! When having my sons what got me through was the constant thought: no matter what, at the end of this my little man will be here. It kept me focused! Oh and always leave out your clothes for the next day so it’s one less thing to worry about! Best of luck op!

We didn’t do SPL, I took full maternity. For the first 2-3 months we did split shifts - he got back from work at 5.30, I would pump a bottle of milk for DD then go to bed. At 1am, we would switch. We didn’t see each other for a little while but it meant we both got 6ish hours sleep undisturbed each night.

Now expecting DC2, I’ve made it clear DC1 and our dog will be his responsibility for the first few weeks until we figure out some kind of routine. DD goes to sleep at 7.30ish, so aiming to hand the baby over to him from 8 until midnight then swap because he will have to get up with her at 7ish.

Sleep is king; without at least some sleep nobody is happy!

You can laugh as much as you want, but you’re just showing an embarrassing ignorance of basic biology.

It gets easier! I found the first 5 weeks very tough but I promise you it gets easier! X