To ask for tips from mothers?

[AlmostaMamma]

I’m pregnant with our first and super excited. Also slightly terrified. All the feels. 😊

To all the mums on here, I’d love to know - what’s the one piece of solid gold advice you wish someone had given you when you were expecting your first baby? It might be something about giving birth, a seemingly inane life tip, or a life changing realisation you’ve had since becoming a mum, but please share.

Honestly, cuddle your newborn - as much as possible - they grow so so so quickly (everyone told me this, I chose to ignore it -favouring cooking cleaning and not having anything in my arms! I'd give my left leg to go back 10 months and do it all over)

That it's very normal for babies to want to cluster feed for whole days at a time, and when you think it's stopped you suddenly get another day - so don't feel bad about having days where you live on the sofa bingeing on Netflix in your pyjamas! Also my second was a velcro baby! I just embraced it, he wanted to be held all the time fed to sleep and sleep on me. I knew he was my last so embraced it and it was lovely to just spend a lot of time on the sofa relaxed with my beautiful baby rather than worrying that I was making a rod for my own back, )which it turned out I wasn't anyway after cosleeping for a he slept through on his own and we moved him to his own cot and he was fine!)

Don't ever get used to anything. The minute you think baby is in a routine and you've cracked something, they switch it up and it's all different the following week.

No one really knows what the hell they're doing, it's all guesswork. Even those mums who look like they really have their shit together, there'll be points when they also despair about some things.

Don't ever refer to the baby's father pulling his weight as "helping". He's not helping. He's doing exactly what you're doing as a mum - being a parent. You don't get thanks for "helping" as a mum so he doesn't need it.

Babies test the strongest of relationships. Sleep deprivation is torture. Don't get into competitive fights with your partner about who has had the most / least sleep and try to disregard anything snappy said to each other under sleep deprivation conditions.

Everything is a phase and will pass. Enjoy each phase as much as possible because they pass so quickly.

😀

Congratulations! look up the naked doula on instagram. I wish I’d found her before my first child, as I fought the contractions and my hormone levels dropped which slowed labour down. You need to embrace the contractions and let the hormones flow. The naked doula gives the best advice on labour!

Pack spare clothes FOR EVERYONE! 😂
I've lost count how many times I've been spat up on when out and about!

You’re not growing a prize marrow, you’re raising a child - the goal is to make it as pleasant and enjoyable as possible for you both, not to break your back moulding a future Oxbridge student. The number of posts I see, ‘I barely see my teen because they have extra curriculars after school every night, but it’ll be worth it in the end’ ‘I work 12 hours a day to send DC to private school, I don’t see much of them but they’ll thank me for it one day’ I just think what’s the bloody point? They’ll only end up in a stressful job neglecting their own kids at some point down the line.

Oh and don’t buy them a tablet. Get them as used to non-screen time as possible. One that genie is out of the bottle it’s hard to put it back in.

Oh and I agree about the grab bag! For babies pack a baby grow, vest, bib, bottle and carton of instant formula if not breastfeeding, a few nappies and wipes. Plus a carton of drink and cereal bar for you. For toddlers a change of clothes, a snack, beaker of water, a little book or distraction toy and wipes. It also doubles up as an A&E bag because 99% of parents will have to take their baby/toddler at some point.

Buy several long phone chargers and have one plugged in next to anywhere you might sit to feed your baby.

Whatever it takes for the most people to get the most sleep - do that.

Take a plate of sugary snacks and a drink with you every night of the first few weeks, or have them already strategically placed wherever you’re going to be doing night feeds (take everything out of packets so no rustling to disturb baby)

Put a pack of maternity pads next to the loo(s) before you go to hospital. If you have some spritz for bits, put that there too (good for soothing piles too even if you don’t have stitches, sorry TMI!)
(on which note - DO NOT allow yourself to become constipated!! Recommend getting some long life prune juice and some lactulose in the house now)

Most of all, there’s no “right way”. There really isn’t. I’d suggest if it feels like the right thing for you and your baby, then it’s the right thing. Sleeping and feeding especially.

Good luck, it’s shit and almost unbearably hard sometimes - especially in those first few weeks- but there’s nothing in the world I’d swap for my 2 DC and I hope you’ll feel the same :-) x

Your DH might do things differently.

Allow him to find his own way.

Yes you have to cede control over your most precious baby.

But worth it to have a partner in parenting.

Get a non-spill mug with a lid for hot drinks. People will make them for you and put them just out of arm's reach "because it's safer" and you will spend the next half hour feeding your baby and watching your drink go cold.

You cannot "spoil" a very small baby.

For the first few months to a year - just respond to what your baby needs.

When the time comes for setting boundaries - you will know.

When you're in the baby stage - a month is a lifetime. It feels like life will never be the same again.

But when your kids are teens you look back and realise it was over in the blink of an eye!

The crying eventually stops. Sleep will return

And finally - those little vests have envelope shoulders so you can pull them DOWN and off in the event of a poonami.

You don't have to try to pull the pooey vest over your baby's face.

Sorry Dd and Ds that I learnt this too late for you!

As someone else said remember that everything is a stage and will pass eventually. There are always challenges but they change. They like to keep you ok your toes 😂.

Don't listen to advice 🙈. Your baby is your baby, people will offer all sorts of advice but they don't know your baby and you will always know them better than anyone. You will find your own way so just try to enjoy it. It's so true what they say that they grow up fast. One day they won't need you so much, one day they won't hold your hand. One Fay they won't fall asleep on your knee. It sounds silly but I sometimes miss the night feeds, just me and the baby having a cuddle.

Best of luck!

Lower your expectations, on everything.

I hated breastfeeding but felt huge pressure to continue at the expense of my mental health so wish I swapped to bottles much sooner

Clean weetabix up immediately because it dries like concrete!

You can't hold a baby too much but equally putting a screaming baby down for 5 mins and walking away when you feel like your head is going to explode won't hurt them.

Oh and don't be shocked by the shock of it! When I had my first baby (admittedly under difficult circumstances) I was convinced that I couldn't do. I thought I'd made a horrible mistake. I knew I loved him more than anything but nothing can prepare you for the fact that your life has turned upside down!! The shock faded and I was fine with my second.

Congratulations op! Some things I've been told and have learnt along the way:

Say no whenever you want to and don't feel bad about it.

Pick your battles (especially when in the toddler stage)

Start as you mean to go on with DP/DH, they should be involved in the routine from day 1, you are a team.

Trust your gut, if you feel something isn't right with your child get it checked and don't feel silly for doing so. a doctor would rather see a child and it turn out to be nothing than not and it turn out to be something.

Take all the pictures/videos and write it all down, everyone will tell you it goes by in a flash but you truly don't appreciate just how quickly until your in the thick of it.

Set the expectation up now that your partner pulls their weight. His job isn't 8 hours a day, weekends off and he does some extras to 'help' you. And your job is 24/7. I wish I had been told this upfront by friends and family. Arrange to do weekly check-ins to see where he can do more, it's very easy to get stuck in a rut and everything default to you. My DH was amazing during pregnancy, then completely useless once the baby was born I let it's slide for too long and it's hard to move past the built up resentment. If you have friends in RL with young children find out what an average day might look like, motherhood is relentless. Get any support you can! Ask for help!

Right from the beginning get your partner to take your baby out once a week for a couple of hours minimum, this is a really good 'habit' to start. You will be thankful for the time for yourself later on. Buy what you can second hand, things are so expensive and most of it you hardly use.

My health visitor gave me the best advice - enjoy your baby 😊

Congratulations OP! So much amazing advice on here! My own one is relevant if you celebrate Christmas.

Buy or make 2 x identical stockings for each child. On Xmas Eve they hang one stocking up on bed /door/fireplace/other suitable hanging place.

The second stocking has already been filled by the elves with gifts so once child is asleep it is a quick and easy swap for Santa to exchange empty stocking for full stocking.

I wish someone had told me this as now we have to either wait for kids to fall asleep (they are teenagers now) or set an alarm for 3am in order for Santa to retrieve the empty stockings, quietly load the gifts and return full stocking.

Good luck OP!

Don't bend over backwards to make sure other people have a relationship with your baby. If they want to see them, let them make the effort to come to you
(I learned this after driving half an hour with a screaming baby, anxiety through the roof, to visit a friend who had no other commitments or dependents and could also drive)

Don't save nice outfits 'for best' ...there is no best with a baby and I took too long to realise that and some gorgeous things were only worn once!

Don't worry or compare yourself to what other mums tell you at the baby groups "my baby slept 14 hours a night from being 6 weeks old"

Remind yourself you're still you and that your wants and needs are important

You and your partner will be ships in the night some days, but try and have a bit of time each day to check in.

Accept the help, good friends and family genuinely want to help you and you realise who those precious people are in your life very quickly!

Definitely buy things second hand, from toys to buggies! Saves so much money !