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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge DH for my lost earnings?

349 replies

Wiwi · 27/02/2023 11:33

My DH is a contractor and will soon need to look for another role hes been WFH for 4 years. I've found WFH one but it's not as much pay as canary wharf 5 days per week which will mean he will live at his mums and commute in. We have never really shared finances wholly,
I work in a job with unsociable hours , I make good money but I have to leave at 8-9pm I work compressed hours. If DH takes the canary wharf jobm y earning power will be severely impacted as I need to care for my DD. I have no outside help.

I've told DH that he will either have to top up my wages to how much I've lost or pay for a nanny. I also have a health condition and compressed hours make it easier to manage.
DH is saying I'm being unreasonable and that it's good he's earning more money but I don't believe it's beneficial in anyway to my life. I would rather he took the job with less pay so I am able to work as I need too.

I feel I have financial independence at the moment and the working away would make me feel vulnerable. AIBU?

OP posts:
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 27/02/2023 18:38

KimberleyClark · 27/02/2023 11:49

I misread earnings for earrings in your title then wondered why yourOP didn’t mention them.

I agree with you btw

Same I was so confused 🤣

MadMadaMim · 27/02/2023 18:42

He's coming back nsidsrinf a job 4 hours away!

Selfish and completely self absorbed.
The only reason he can even consider this job is because he's sponging off his mum and expecting you to sort out the childcare impact. Totally unreasonable.

I agree with OP. Seems like he wants to go back to living the bachelor life 5 days and nights a week, being waited and n hand and foot by his mum and shirking his responsibility to his child (and wife!).

If you cna afford to, I'd get out sooner rather than later. He's taking the piss.

And the miserly money attitude will never change. I know. I'm living it. I should have left 15 years ago and now I'm trapped financially. Seriously evaluate and be brave. Its scary but better than ending up stuck in an ever deteriorating marriage worrying about money 24/7. Our DD is at uni and he contributes £0.

Good luck

Original poster
Wiwi · 27/02/2023 18:43

Petlover9 · 27/02/2023 18:30

OP., here is my suggestion. Do a budget sheet of all household costs, per week/month/year. Then add in what child care costs would be if you had to use them. You need to talk to DH about what proportion you are each going to pay and create a New separate current account where you each put your contribution in, weekly/monthly. DH needs to understand that child costs should be shared fairly and that it is not your responsibility alone. Obviously you don't give figures but if it is such a hassle to work could you stop for a bit until your cold is older? Men seen to expect women to juggle the lot, do everything 1950's style AND bring in money. You need a serious talk with him, plus ask how much he will pay his Mum

No I cannot stop working because I have potential to earn well in my own career. DH cannot afford to give me all my existing salary nor would he if could. If I want to buy something I should be able to .

OP posts:
Poppingmad123 · 27/02/2023 18:46

Very strange your husband should compensate you. Surely it’s your money as in yours as a family unit regardless of whether or not you have joint finances.

If his new job offers a good salary and career prospects and is worth the sacrifice of not seeing your daughter, living with his mum, then maybe it’s worth a trial.

If you don’t want to or can’t change your working hours to look after your daughter, then it makes sense for him to find and pay for suitable childcare. seems like you work unsociable hours though so it may not be that easy.

But as a family unit, you should both be talking to come up with a plan that everyone is happy with. There has to be some give and take on all sides.

I hope your daughter doesn’t feel like she’s in the way and that your MIL has actually been asked. She may not want her son free loading off her! Hopefully he will pay for his accommodation/towards the bills.

Would it be feasible for his mum to come & live with you during the week? And she could help with looking after her grandchild?

Mistymoonsinastarrysky · 27/02/2023 18:52

KimberleyClark · 27/02/2023 11:49

I misread earnings for earrings in your title then wondered why yourOP didn’t mention them.

I agree with you btw

Me too!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/02/2023 18:53

he gambles on high risk stocks , cars, motorbikes

Christ, he sounds like more of a selfish man child with every post you make.

I really don't understand why you're married. He doesn't want to spend time with you or contribute to the household. Apart from you find him slightly 'amusing'... I'd find him insulting and infuriating.

And I'd be getting legal advice. Soon.

Original poster
Wiwi · 27/02/2023 18:53

Poppingmad123 · 27/02/2023 18:46

Very strange your husband should compensate you. Surely it’s your money as in yours as a family unit regardless of whether or not you have joint finances.

If his new job offers a good salary and career prospects and is worth the sacrifice of not seeing your daughter, living with his mum, then maybe it’s worth a trial.

If you don’t want to or can’t change your working hours to look after your daughter, then it makes sense for him to find and pay for suitable childcare. seems like you work unsociable hours though so it may not be that easy.

But as a family unit, you should both be talking to come up with a plan that everyone is happy with. There has to be some give and take on all sides.

I hope your daughter doesn’t feel like she’s in the way and that your MIL has actually been asked. She may not want her son free loading off her! Hopefully he will pay for his accommodation/towards the bills.

Would it be feasible for his mum to come & live with you during the week? And she could help with looking after her grandchild?

Not it doesn't my career is actually more stable than his in the long term, I will have a job for life his is more uncertain and it's not that much more money for the huge inconvenience that's why I'm getting annoyed. I would be willing to share finances he wouldn't.

OP posts:
Hawkins003 · 27/02/2023 18:56

Reading with intrigue

Lazyj · 27/02/2023 19:03

AIBUNo · 27/02/2023 16:39

So- based on your daily rates (and working approx 360 days a year just to give some idea of income) you are - together - bringing in almost £500K pa.

The simplest solution is you pay for a nanny to cover the 3 days when your DD will need someone with her until you get home.

OR if his work is always going to be in London, you consider moving house.

BUT I don't think your marriage stands much of a chance long term if you are arguing over this.

You don't appear to be willing to pull together, or you compromising.

You appear to think that life is all about financial transactions, rather than behaving like a couple who love each other and want the best for their child.

Your post is all about YOU.

This ^

Coffeellama · 27/02/2023 19:08

You don't appear to be willing to pull together, or you compromising.

You appear to think that life is all about financial transactions, rather than behaving like a couple who love each other and want the best for their child.

I really don’t get this, the guy wants to move 4 hours away and opt out of parenting, leaving his wife financially worse off. Wife has asked him to pay for the nanny or give her more money so that she’s not financially worse off from her husband effectively leaving her, and he’s said no. Why’s she the bad guy for not compromising when she’s asked him to compromise and he won’t? It’s all his way and that’s that, but you say she’s the selfish one.

SwingingPendulousBabylons · 27/02/2023 19:12

I would be willing to share finances he wouldn't

Why did he marry you, then? That's basically what marriage is: the legal joining of finances. Surely he realised that?

Given that your relationship seems to be more or less transactional and you're both quibbling about who pays for what (when it should all be shared), you'd be better off divorced.

Original poster
Wiwi · 27/02/2023 19:14

Coffeellama · 27/02/2023 19:08

You don't appear to be willing to pull together, or you compromising.

You appear to think that life is all about financial transactions, rather than behaving like a couple who love each other and want the best for their child.

I really don’t get this, the guy wants to move 4 hours away and opt out of parenting, leaving his wife financially worse off. Wife has asked him to pay for the nanny or give her more money so that she’s not financially worse off from her husband effectively leaving her, and he’s said no. Why’s she the bad guy for not compromising when she’s asked him to compromise and he won’t? It’s all his way and that’s that, but you say she’s the selfish one.

Because a woman should be default childcare even if it's not financially beneficial to her and not beneficial to their child. It's like women's equality never happened.

OP posts:
MoreSleepPleasee · 27/02/2023 19:14

Sounds like you've split up to be honest op. You don't live together or share finances.

MoreSleepPleasee · 27/02/2023 19:15

Mistymoonsinastarrysky · 27/02/2023 18:52

Me too!

Show quote history

Same 🤣🤣

Mrsgreen100 · 27/02/2023 19:15

Did exactly the same read it as earrings !!!
but on reading seems like you guys aren’t working as a family team

Original poster
Wiwi · 27/02/2023 19:16

MoreSleepPleasee · 27/02/2023 19:14

Sounds like you've split up to be honest op. You don't live together or share finances.

We do live together he's discussed it he hasn't finished this contract yet but planning for when it ends. Well I guess then we weren't together for a long time as he worked away Monday-friday from DD being 0-6.

OP posts:
Fairislefandango · 27/02/2023 19:20

I don’t get this obsession with shared finances. We pay into a joint account enough to cover all family expenses in proportion to what we earn.

So do we. I'd call that shared finances! Unlike the impractical situation the OP has, with them each paying separately for things in a random division, which not only makes it pretty impossible to judge whether it's fair, but also results in different things feeling like the sole responsibility of one partner, when they should be shared, family responsibilities.

Aprilx · 27/02/2023 19:26

Coffeellama · 27/02/2023 19:08

You don't appear to be willing to pull together, or you compromising.

You appear to think that life is all about financial transactions, rather than behaving like a couple who love each other and want the best for their child.

I really don’t get this, the guy wants to move 4 hours away and opt out of parenting, leaving his wife financially worse off. Wife has asked him to pay for the nanny or give her more money so that she’s not financially worse off from her husband effectively leaving her, and he’s said no. Why’s she the bad guy for not compromising when she’s asked him to compromise and he won’t? It’s all his way and that’s that, but you say she’s the selfish one.

But OP is treating it like a financial transaction. Her husband has announced he is opting out of family life for five days a week and she asked for financial compensation! I would have said absolutely not, not interested in financial compensation, I would have wanted out family to live together and my natural next discussion would be about whether we all move or none of us move. He isn’t the good guy here, absolutely not, but it is very peculiar that OP seems more interested in the money than family life.

HewasH2O · 27/02/2023 19:27

The only person being completely overlooked in this is your DD. You're happy to work from 6.30 am to 8-9pm for 3 days a week, so your DD doesn't see her mum. Your DH is happy to work away from home for 5 days each week, so your DD doesn't see her dad either. You describe her needs along similar lines to those of a pet. You could send her to boarding school and have almost the same amount of time with her. I feel sorry for her as neither of you seem to think she needs any parenting now she's reached the grand old age of 10.

Morethanthis71 · 27/02/2023 19:30

KimberleyClark · 27/02/2023 11:49

I misread earnings for earrings in your title then wondered why yourOP didn’t mention them.

I agree with you btw

Yes so did I!

Redebs · 27/02/2023 19:31

I feel very sorry for the child.
I hope there are other family members who like being with her, because it sure sounds like neither of her parents do.

Coffeellama · 27/02/2023 19:34

Aprilx · 27/02/2023 19:26

But OP is treating it like a financial transaction. Her husband has announced he is opting out of family life for five days a week and she asked for financial compensation! I would have said absolutely not, not interested in financial compensation, I would have wanted out family to live together and my natural next discussion would be about whether we all move or none of us move. He isn’t the good guy here, absolutely not, but it is very peculiar that OP seems more interested in the money than family life.

Show quote history

It says in her OP she doesn’t want him to move away, but he wants to take the job regardless so she’s asked for him to atleast make up the short fall she will suffer as a result…. Because he is currently refusing to accept the offer closer to home. If he’s moving out regardless of what she wants then she’s smart to try and make sure her earning potential/savings aren’t impacted as a result. It’s clearly not that likely to be a marriage that lasts forever.

Confusion101 · 27/02/2023 19:39

I don't agree that he should have to pay for childcare. Ye had DD together, she is both of your responsibilities. I would suggest opening a joint account that you each contribute to and use it to pay for all DD related things.

ConfusedNT · 27/02/2023 19:43

Confusion101 · 27/02/2023 19:39

I don't agree that he should have to pay for childcare. Ye had DD together, she is both of your responsibilities. I would suggest opening a joint account that you each contribute to and use it to pay for all DD related things.

The OP currently provides 2/7 of the childcare solely and 2/7 with her DH.

Her DH wants her to take a loss in income either through a new job or paying for childcare to cover the other 3/7

The OP only needs to pay for 0.5/7 of the childcare costs, the DH needs to pay for the other 2.5/7

I cannot be doing with men who think it's okay to insist on paying 50/50 but think women providing childcare and housework for free doesn't count. Its just another way of penalising women for doing 'wife work'

Original poster
Wiwi · 27/02/2023 19:44

HewasH2O · 27/02/2023 19:27

The only person being completely overlooked in this is your DD. You're happy to work from 6.30 am to 8-9pm for 3 days a week, so your DD doesn't see her mum. Your DH is happy to work away from home for 5 days each week, so your DD doesn't see her dad either. You describe her needs along similar lines to those of a pet. You could send her to boarding school and have almost the same amount of time with her. I feel sorry for her as neither of you seem to think she needs any parenting now she's reached the grand old age of 10.

I see her for 4 days of the week all the time and make sure I'm there when she gets in from school and in the morning. We do lovely activities together and share a very close bond. Unfortunately my career means I can't do the standard 9-5 because people get ill 24 hours a day. I don't want to give up my career for good and start again.

OP posts:
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