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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To charge DH for my lost earnings?

349 replies

Wiwi · 27/02/2023 11:33

My DH is a contractor and will soon need to look for another role hes been WFH for 4 years. I've found WFH one but it's not as much pay as canary wharf 5 days per week which will mean he will live at his mums and commute in. We have never really shared finances wholly,
I work in a job with unsociable hours , I make good money but I have to leave at 8-9pm I work compressed hours. If DH takes the canary wharf jobm y earning power will be severely impacted as I need to care for my DD. I have no outside help.

I've told DH that he will either have to top up my wages to how much I've lost or pay for a nanny. I also have a health condition and compressed hours make it easier to manage.
DH is saying I'm being unreasonable and that it's good he's earning more money but I don't believe it's beneficial in anyway to my life. I would rather he took the job with less pay so I am able to work as I need too.

I feel I have financial independence at the moment and the working away would make me feel vulnerable. AIBU?

OP posts:
Onnabugeisha · 27/02/2023 17:48

Botw1 · 27/02/2023 17:44

@AIBUNo

The op has clearly said they don't share money.

They pay a proportion each of bills and he spends the rest of his

He can persue his career

But don't pretend it will benefit the family or that the op is doing something wrong by protecting hers

They pay proportional of mortgage based on earnings and rest of bills are 50/50. The rest is theirs to spend for both of them.

OP can pursue her career too.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/02/2023 17:49

AIBUNo · 27/02/2023 17:32

I can't believe the OP is being castigated for prioritizing her career/income now, after six years as SAHM. Are we back in the 1950s?

She CHOSE to not work for 6 years. She could have had childcare then.

Her earning power is not being impacted.

What she means is she will lose some of it to pay for childcare and he's agreed to pay 50-50 for that. Her earning power will only be impacted if she reduces her hours and does the childcare herself.

It's very clear why she didn't want another child- too much impact on her carer- and now she is behaving as if her DD is a nuisance who is getting in the way of her earning money (despite the fact that as a couple they are earning almost £500K pa.)

No, her DD is not being portrayed as a nuisance. The notion that women must sacrifice all on the altar of family is outdated and ridiculous. OP needs a good career for her livelihood, for the daughter's benefit and for old-age security.

I know a woman who is both a medical surgeon, a uni lecturer AND in the forces; she has been deployed overseas several times, including once when her youngest was six months old. She is very well-respected in her field. Should she curb her career, which saves lives, so her kids spend less time with the nanny?

Another doctor I know also runs an organic farm and teaches yoga, and does ground-breaking medical research for which she has received millions in grants. Should she give that up to spend more time watching Peppa Pig with her kids?

Being ambitious is not incompatible with parenthood. Kids need to see their parents doing more than just puttering around with housework and laundry.

Botw1 · 27/02/2023 17:50

@Onnabugeisha

Not sure why you tagged me in a comment basically just repeating what I said

Onnabugeisha · 27/02/2023 17:54

Botw1 · 27/02/2023 17:50

@Onnabugeisha

Not sure why you tagged me in a comment basically just repeating what I said

I did more than repeat, I added on a few bits you missed out.

Original poster
Wiwi · 27/02/2023 17:54

AIBUNo · 27/02/2023 17:32

I can't believe the OP is being castigated for prioritizing her career/income now, after six years as SAHM. Are we back in the 1950s?

She CHOSE to not work for 6 years. She could have had childcare then.

Her earning power is not being impacted.

What she means is she will lose some of it to pay for childcare and he's agreed to pay 50-50 for that. Her earning power will only be impacted if she reduces her hours and does the childcare herself.

It's very clear why she didn't want another child- too much impact on her carer- and now she is behaving as if her DD is a nuisance who is getting in the way of her earning money (despite the fact that as a couple they are earning almost £500K pa.)

It's not I chose not to work I did sometimes but only very very part time , in my industry you have to work unsociable hours or on call sometimes. My DH worked away Monday- Friday and if I mentioned paying for child care he wasn't keen. He wasn't earning as much as now but still it hurt. Yes I did choose to not have anymore DC because I'm not cut out to be a SAHM Monday to Friday and felt very vulnerable . There's not really another job I wanted to do especially as I worked so hard to achieve the qualification.

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 27/02/2023 17:58

There is no teamwork here, you are each making separate decisions along with the separate finances
There's no warmth in your posts, it's all very transactional and money is not everything if you haven't got time as a family to enjoy it

CocoFifi · 27/02/2023 18:03

It doesn’t sound much of a marriage if you do not share finances and are giving each other ultimatums. Sit down and talk to each other and decide what is best for your relationship and your daughter.

ZiriForEver · 27/02/2023 18:04

I don't see anything unreasonable on your side OP.

Your partner currently is the default parent for something like 3 days a week, you another 3 days and the rest is shared? Sounds quite fair.

Yes, your family seems to work in a bit "business" mode, but maybe that is the easiest one for you two and it won't benefit you if you started playing tight family and he didn't.

I'd say take it with him in the speech of numbers. He is a default parent on half of the days, what are his plans to fulfill it?

CleaningOutMyCloset · 27/02/2023 18:05

I think you're being very sensible op, I think more women should think along these lines. I don't share finances with my dh after being in a financial abusive relationship previously. It's not a nice situation to be in. Your dh may, or may not consider himself in the right, but ultimately his job shouldn't negatively impact you're earnings without him either paying a nanny so you can continue to earn what your are now or compensate you for loss in earnings

SeasonFinale · 27/02/2023 18:05

Conversely if you are working until 9pm each night you work aren't you restricting which jobs he could previously take as you expected him to provide free of charge childcare whilst you were working?

It works both ways. You need to find childcare and equally pay for it.

PeachyPeachTrees · 27/02/2023 18:07

Does it not bother him that he would be away from you and DD 5 days a week? His new job would earn him more than most can dream of and because it is his choice that means childcare is now needed, he should pay for it. Where's the teamwork in this relationship?

PJJA · 27/02/2023 18:08

Could he not take DD with him if not at school?? Otherwise he needs to foot the bill for a nanny or au pair

Kisskiss · 27/02/2023 18:11

Wiwi · 27/02/2023 13:11

I don't see why I should have to share the cost of the nanny when it is his choice to get a job in London. He doesn't have too there's WFH jobs albeit paying 525 instead of 600-700 per day but also I cannot work and I get 325-425 per day so it's a net loss .if I find another job I struggle with 9-5 and it will mean a huge pay cut for me. He will also have to pay huge taxes on the extra 75- £125 he makes.

Show quote history

I’d be questioning why he values 25k a year more vs living with and seeing his family but beyond that, the truth is that neither of your ideal job setups are child friendly- your hours are not conducive either to caring for your child and the fair thing to do would be for both of you to split childcare costs ( equally or proportional to income)

KateKateLee · 27/02/2023 18:12

I don’t get this obsession with shared finances. We pay into a joint account enough to cover all family expenses in proportion to what we earn. Then we can do what we like with the rest of the money. If all finances were shared I’d have to justify every purchase. I could never buy new clothes or things for the house or whatever. It’s much better this way.

Mummyofmaniacs · 27/02/2023 18:13

NOTHING worse than a mean man, except a mean man who wants to live with his Mummy.
Are you free at weekends - that is the crunch. School days she wont notice so much but if she is 'looked after' by someone else at weekends - that is brutally cruel.
Make him pay for childcare
make him top up your earnings
Get a good solicitor - it wont be long

PJJA · 27/02/2023 18:14

Just seen that your DD is 10. She doesn’t need a nanny more a babysitter tbh and il
sure if she’s as good as you say she could be a little more independent

Niven · 27/02/2023 18:17

I thought that was lost earrings!

lobeliasb · 27/02/2023 18:21

It really seems like you'd be better off financially if you divorced him. What's the point of staying with him, since it really doesn't seem like much of a relationship anyway? If you divorce him, he'd have to contribute financially towards his DD and you'd be able to pay for childcare via the child maintenance and not have to change your work schedule. A few hundred quid more a week after taxes really doesn't seem worth all the upheaval he would cause by taking the job. Bizarre really.

Cocobutt · 27/02/2023 18:24

Do you both have to work mon-Friday?

Could you say work Mon-wed and he work wed-sun?

Then it’s just 1 day your DD will need childcare for and then you can get a babysitter and share the cost.

I don’t think finances should all be joint and each person should have their own independent finances.
But when it’s anything you do with the shared children then it absolutely should be a shared cost.

Can I ask what you and DH do to be earning so much a day?

Paq · 27/02/2023 18:25

I'm on your side OP, you're married to a stingy yet financially irresponsible man, of course you want to look out for your own financial interests.

Although you might be better off without him in the long term. How is he planning to fund his retirement in his old age?

Mirabai · 27/02/2023 18:30

Paq · 27/02/2023 18:25

I'm on your side OP, you're married to a stingy yet financially irresponsible man, of course you want to look out for your own financial interests.

Although you might be better off without him in the long term. How is he planning to fund his retirement in his old age?

The sooner she gets out of this marriage the better, before he stakes a claim to her pension in the settlement.

xlbrood · 27/02/2023 18:30

Very bizarre attitude. I voted a big fat YABU.

Petlover9 · 27/02/2023 18:30

OP., here is my suggestion. Do a budget sheet of all household costs, per week/month/year. Then add in what child care costs would be if you had to use them. You need to talk to DH about what proportion you are each going to pay and create a New separate current account where you each put your contribution in, weekly/monthly. DH needs to understand that child costs should be shared fairly and that it is not your responsibility alone. Obviously you don't give figures but if it is such a hassle to work could you stop for a bit until your cold is older? Men seen to expect women to juggle the lot, do everything 1950's style AND bring in money. You need a serious talk with him, plus ask how much he will pay his Mum

BlueHeelers · 27/02/2023 18:35

When you are looking at finances, be aware that if you are forced to drop hours or change jobs, and as a consequence are paid less, because your DH has decided to take a job away and do he can’t do his share of housework, child care and family business, then please - remember the long term knock on effects for you.

Not just your income now, but your ability to earn more in the future. Also and really importantly - your pension.

Women who drop hours or stop working or take lower paid jobs for flexibility really take a hit in their future income, as well as their current income. And their pensions.

Exhaustedpanda · 27/02/2023 18:35

Are you going to supplement the earnings he will loose by taking the lower paid job then?
it seems bizarre, either you are a team or you are not.

That said I did stop working when my children were younger as it was cheaper than childcare and I do understand that it is frustrating if you have zero income personally. But if you still have some income and your bills are paid etc I guess it depends which way your family income is more and if time together is worth more to you than the money.