Page 12 | To charge DH for my lost earnings?

Wiwi · 2023-02-27T11:33:09+00:00

My DH is a contractor and will soon need to look for another role hes been WFH for 4 years. I've found WFH one but it's not as much pay as canary wharf 5 days per week which will mean he will live at his mums and commute in. We have never really shared finances wholly, I work in a job with unsociable hours , I make good money but I have to leave at 8-9pm I work compressed hours. If DH takes the canary wharf jobm y earning power will be severely impacted as I need to care for my DD. I have no outside help. I've told DH that he will either have to top up my wages to how much I've lost or pay for a nanny. I also have a health condition and compressed hours make it easier to manage. DH is saying I'm being unreasonable and that it's good he's earning more money but I don't believe it's beneficial in anyway to my life. I would rather he took the job with less pay so I am able to work as I need too. I feel I have financial independence at the moment and the working away would make me feel vulnerable. AIBU?

Ellyess · 27/02/2023 21:17

Petlover9 · 27/02/2023 20:00

I think we all are ! VERY unusual situation, not a normal marriage, more a business arrangement IMHO

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I think it's a bit harsh on out OP to make it sound that way but I understand why you say it.

I'm sorry I write too much - I'll try and be succinct.

I think things went badly wrong in this relationship for our OP when she had her DD and her notD H went off to work leaving her alone all week and giving her NO MONEY for 6 years.

That's what went horribly wrong! He was a selfish and irresponsible oaf and she was just left, bereft, obviously not knowing what was going on. It clearly was utter hell for her. I went through it too and it is - utter hell. You would be better off if he abandoned you and you were a single mum who could claim benefits. Having no money is indescribable.

I think that is why earning her own money is SO important to our OP. She needs the security of her own job. Then she knows she can look after herself and her child. I do believe she loves her daughter very much.

The father is a selfish and irresponsible, very mean person. He just does what he fancies, does not care what effect it has on the two people who should be the love of his life, keeps all his pay, and causes deep problems for his wife and child.

I would kick him out!

Now I'll stop as I said loads in my other two replies.

Just please don't blame our OP. She had a very bad deal when her baby was born. I think it all began during those penniless 6 yers, but she did not realise how bad this man is.

Blueink · 27/02/2023 21:20

I wouldn’t be on board with this plan.

Is he doing it only for the money? If so as you said it doesn’t seem worth it, but maybe it’s also about different factors like the job satisfaction of working on site, wanting to spend more time with DM?

It seemed like it wasn’t his DD from your OP, but as she is of course he should be pooling resources for her, childcare is a joint responsibility and this needs to be factored in to a family decision about changes in working patterns.

Adelsette · 27/02/2023 21:25

This is not a good situation. Predominately for your daughter. Firstly, she will take her cues on how a man can treat her from your relationship with your husband and he doesn’t sound particularly stellar. Second, she’s only 10 now but soon she will come into a time when things will become more complicated for her. Teenage years are tough and she will need support. Are you proposing she get this from a nanny?

I stayed at home with my DS, started WFH when he was 3. He’s 4 now and goes to nursery 3 days a week and I work 5 days a week. My husband does hybrid but even when he isn’t in the office he doesn’t help with DS because he works flat out 8am-7pm.

Look for alternative solutions that are beneficial because there are options. The only non option should be sacrificing your daughters well being to gratify your own desires or “earning potential” (both of you).

I can’t imagine this is easy for you and I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time but try to adapt and adjust as best you can.

Thesharkradar · 27/02/2023 21:30

He's making sure that is earning potential freedom & enjoyment is prioritized over yours OP.

Thesharkradar · 27/02/2023 21:31

If this was me I would be as strategic as possible, he's not really a partner, I would find some way to out-maneuver him without him realising

T1Dmama · 27/02/2023 21:48

It seems very unreasonable of him to take a job 4 hours drive away meaning he has to be away from you and his daughter… this should be a family decision
I think if you already have an established job then he should make sure his hours suit you… He can’t take a job and tell you that you have to change yours!

PrincessPeachy · 27/02/2023 21:53

Sorry, but I’ve read through the first few pages and thought wtf has this got to do with earrings and then the penny dropped, EARNINGS! Sorry 😄

Original poster

Wiwi · 27/02/2023 22:08

Adelsette · 27/02/2023 21:25

This is not a good situation. Predominately for your daughter. Firstly, she will take her cues on how a man can treat her from your relationship with your husband and he doesn’t sound particularly stellar. Second, she’s only 10 now but soon she will come into a time when things will become more complicated for her. Teenage years are tough and she will need support. Are you proposing she get this from a nanny?

I stayed at home with my DS, started WFH when he was 3. He’s 4 now and goes to nursery 3 days a week and I work 5 days a week. My husband does hybrid but even when he isn’t in the office he doesn’t help with DS because he works flat out 8am-7pm.

Look for alternative solutions that are beneficial because there are options. The only non option should be sacrificing your daughters well being to gratify your own desires or “earning potential” (both of you).

I can’t imagine this is easy for you and I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time but try to adapt and adjust as best you can.

I work in an industry that sadly has unsociable hours it cannot be helped. I give up my job and work and find a minimum wage one is that really in DDs or my best interests long term? I do this 3 days a week I'm home for 4 days. I think I might ask about MIL moving closer or us moving closer to her. My family I can't rely on to help.

OP posts:

Ellyess · 27/02/2023 22:17

ZiriForEver · 27/02/2023 19:59

Have you read the OP?
He earns more and he is still capable of earning more, even without going for London job. He never really shared his money, not when the OP spent 6 years covering the childcare.
He currently covers the care about a half of workdays, the OP the other half.
He wants to run away from his half.
How is OP being the selfish one here?

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ZiriForEver
Thank you

I have become so upset to see people misunderstanding our OP.

I think she has tried to be concise in her explanations so it might sound a bit like a cold money agreement.

But how people deal with their money tells us the most honest things about them.

And our OP had a baby, and was left at home on her own all day and night from Monday to Friday, felt vulnerable, was not working, a FTM, and her DH gave her no money .

This was for 6 years

That is what began the problem. Our OP married a selfish, mean man who clearly refused to share his money or to take proper responsibility for his wife and baby.

Now, he is about to end his present arrangement which involves that he cares for his daughter after school three days a week. This is no heavy duty as he is working from home and is there anyway.

His wife, our OP, having one might imagine, nearly suffered a breakdown in those 6 years alone with no money, and finding out what kind of man she married, decided she must earn her own money for her survival and for her DD. She knows her DH will not pay equally or take financial responsibility for the running of the home and their DD's needs.

Now he is planning to leave her back in that situation that was so awful before. To be away during the week.

He will be paid a lot more. But he will keep his extra pay.

He will walk out on his commitment to be home from 4, 3 afternoons a week when his daughter returns from school.

He does not see it as his responsibility to arrange cover for his daughter's care.

He doesn't consider taking the job which would enable him to continue to be at home for her. It is lower pay but will not require travel expenses and higher tax and woulwd mean he would be at home with his family during the week.

He is dumping his responsibility for his daughter on his wife, although she takes her equal or more than equal share of child care willingly already.

He expects his wife to work around him, working less and earning less. He ignores her health problem. He does not give her any money, neither housekeeping nor personal money nor child support and although he pockets all his much higher pay, he still will not give her any money even though he is forcing her to lose a lot through making her stop working her normal hours.

He doesn't care about either his wife or daughter, just expects them to accept him completely messing up their lives, causing them considerable financial loss, his wife loss to her career, while he sallies off and pockets extra £200 a day which he plans to keep, just as he keeps all his pay, apart from the odd bill here and there.

I'd divorce him on grounds of total irresponsibility, selfishness... whatever it is called... and let the Court work out what he must pay for his DD's support etc.

I hope people understand why our OP is upset about her DH's decision to change to a job that requires him to live away Mon-Fri and which will mean she cannot work or will have to pay a child minder from her money because her DH does not give her money or contribute to the home and she has to cover all these bills by working.
Also why she feels so insecure about money after what he put her through.

Please try to understand. Not everyone expresses things in the same way and it sometimes comes across as 'just a money transaction and cold' when actually it's about basic survival and somebody who was terribly insecure and frightened and is scared it could happen again. Our OP's had and is having a terribly tough time.
Thanks.

FTLondon · 27/02/2023 22:17

Same!!!!

Ellyess · 27/02/2023 22:41

T1Dmama · 27/02/2023 21:48

It seems very unreasonable of him to take a job 4 hours drive away meaning he has to be away from you and his daughter… this should be a family decision
I think if you already have an established job then he should make sure his hours suit you… He can’t take a job and tell you that you have to change yours!

Exactly! And to expect you to just rearrange your job somehow....

The 4 hours drive each way every weekend and daily commute to London from his Mum's will also add up. I don't see him seeing much of the £200 extra they are paying over the nearer job that does not upset the family. How much is petrol? What does a season ticket cost from the suburbs to London now?

It worries me as to why he's even considering leaving home in the week. I thought you said he loved his daughter? I just do not trust this man.

T1Dmama has hit the nail on the head with everything she says. Especially that it is "very unreasonable".

I think this man's - no he's not grown up yet - this oaf's attitude is unreasonable about everything

Grammarnut · 27/02/2023 22:45

I don't think you charge your DH for your lost earnings, that's just a bit weird. You need to sit down and work out your finances and where the cost of childcare is coming from, which he needs to understand is his responsibility as well as yours. It's almost certain that you need to put both your salaries into a joint pot that both can draw on as of right, which means he will be paying for the childcare automatically. That done, you can discuss whether having him away all week suits your lifestyle and relationship. It may not be worth the extra salary from him if things go wrong with your relationship, after all.

WickedStepmomNOT · 27/02/2023 23:41

you seem very protective of your role and I get that, but that should never come at the expense of devaluing your partner and what he does today.

Exactly - applies equally to OP.

Petlover9 · 28/02/2023 00:29

You are right, I think I forgot that bit. She would be better off without him, he hasn't fully matured. I wonder what his mum will say when he turns up. If I was in the OP's position I would start laying plans to shift him, long term she may meet a 'regular guy' who would give her more consideration.

Feraldogmum · 28/02/2023 00:36

This isn’t a marriage. He won’t share finances or childcare, gambles his money on risky investments ,and seems very keen to live apart from you when there are other employment options . It sounds as if he has one foot out of the marriage already ,this job away may just be his way of leaving in stages .
If you split up he will have to pay maintenance and this should help with childcare costs. You may find him funny right now, but I see this quickly turning to resentment,especially if he starts taking full advantage of being single Monday to Friday and you’ve sacrificed your career for him.

SD1978 · 28/02/2023 00:51

Will you offer to increase his 'wage' to the canary ward one if he takes the WFH job you would prefer? Or does your rationale only work one way? Otherwise surely it would be 50/50 for the nanny option as it benefits you both?

ConfusedNT · 28/02/2023 00:54

SD1978 · 28/02/2023 00:51

Will you offer to increase his 'wage' to the canary ward one if he takes the WFH job you would prefer? Or does your rationale only work one way? Otherwise surely it would be 50/50 for the nanny option as it benefits you both?

Would the OPs husband support her if she wanted to get a job where she worked Mon-Fri away from home whilst he was solely responsible for the parenting?

I think probably not so I'm not sure why she has to put up with it

Original poster

Wiwi · 28/02/2023 00:59

SD1978 · 28/02/2023 00:51

Will you offer to increase his 'wage' to the canary ward one if he takes the WFH job you would prefer? Or does your rationale only work one way? Otherwise surely it would be 50/50 for the nanny option as it benefits you both?

It doesn't benefit us a family no. My DD misses out on her seeing her Dad. If my job offered WFH or hybrid with slightly less pay I'd take it I can't do that though in my industry. It's not astronomical amounts it's £75-£125 per day a lot that will be eaten up in extra taxes and commuting costs he's already a higher earner. I didn't say he solely had to WFH I found a hybrid one nearby and he scoffed at the pay although it was good and slight increase to what he's currently being paid.

OP posts:

Bushgirl · 28/02/2023 01:23

I do not understand why you would bother getting married if you are not willing to have joint finances. It suggests you don't trust one another, and if that's the case what is the point in staying together?

Codlingmoths · 28/02/2023 03:39

StarsSand · 27/02/2023 20:23

It doesn't sound like there is much to like.

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It sounds like what there is to DISLIKE is so substantial it would outweigh any positive moments. Said positive moments do not include him sharing any income with op, supporting her to get work, recognising that his actions impact her, or caring about her or his child enough to not take a job living away monday to Friday. If he took this job I’d want a divorce.

QuinkWashable · 28/02/2023 06:53

OP you are being absolutely sensible in this - I feel like if he took this job, it might be a deal-breaker for the marriage, if not now, then soon. He's putting himself entirely ahead of you and your child, even when there is a good and reasonable compromise available.

Stay firm - you're right, it would leave you extremely vulnerable to give up your job. Start putting feelers out for someone who could do the babysitting 3 days a week for your daughter, because it doesn't sound like he's going to suddenly have an attack of responsibility/fairness

Juced · 28/02/2023 07:22

Sometimes money isn’t everything. I think maybe theirs other reasons why he’s considering not being with his family. I predict his visits home will get less and less frequent overtime, I can’t see how a marriage could survive! Also he clearly has little regard for your time or responsibilities. Have a deeper conversation with him!

Coffeellama · 28/02/2023 07:46

SD1978 · 28/02/2023 00:51

Will you offer to increase his 'wage' to the canary ward one if he takes the WFH job you would prefer? Or does your rationale only work one way? Otherwise surely it would be 50/50 for the nanny option as it benefits you both?

She’s asked him to take a hybrid job that’s more money than he earns now, so that he can continue to live with his wife and child. This would benefit both of them, he wants to disappear and not parent or be a proper husband, and not contribute more to his household either… why would she pay him for that? You have a seriously messed up view of marriage if you really think this man is in the right.

Ihavedogs · 28/02/2023 07:55

Bushgirl · 28/02/2023 01:23

I do not understand why you would bother getting married if you are not willing to have joint finances. It suggests you don't trust one another, and if that's the case what is the point in staying together?

Not having joint finances doesn’t stop you having a long, trusting and happy marriage; we’ve managed quite nicely for over 35 years. You do however need open dialogue, a joint attitude towards money and fair distribution of income.

Bushgirl · 28/02/2023 08:02

Ihavedogs · 28/02/2023 07:55

Not having joint finances doesn’t stop you having a long, trusting and happy marriage; we’ve managed quite nicely for over 35 years. You do however need open dialogue, a joint attitude towards money and fair distribution of income.

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Do you have your own shelf in the fridge too?