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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister lies about how much help our parents give her

203 replies

horseyhorsey17 · 27/02/2023 11:03

It's not so much an AIBU as a WWYD in my position. Me and my sister are both single mums with two kids. She lives near my parents, I don't. I work full time, she's never held down a job for more than six weeks in her life. University educated, clever, attractive, personable - but there's always a reason why she quits the job and then has a few months off. Last time it was because her boss was a paedo (she didn't have any evidence for this, it was just a 'feeling'.) The upshot of this is that my parents give her a lot of money. They 'loaned' her a lot to buy her house (which they won't get back) and they have to pay her mortgage most months. They don't want to but my mum is a soft touch as far as she's concerned, in fact probably she's the reason why my sister is the way she is. They also do loads of her childcare. I live miles away and don't get any of the same treatment, but I'm not really bothered (that's why I live miles away) but what does bother me is that my sister tries to gaslight me about this. I struggle to speak to her on the phone as it always come back to how hard done by she is, and how terrible mum and dad are, and how they're rich and why don't they give her more money. I just found out yesterday that they bought her a new washing machine as hers packed up. My last conversation with my sister was a couple of days ago and that wasn't mentioned at all. She also says mum and dad don't help with her childcare, but every time I ring them, her kids are at their house. It's just a really weird dynamic. I think she's on the narcissism spectrum and she definitely does try and manipulate people - perhaps unintentionally - but just wondered if anyone could shed light on what is going on here, and what if anything, I should do? I've never said to her 'I know they help you loads, stop lying' because I know it would lead to WW3.

I also worry a lot what's going to happen when my parents die (as they're in their late 70s now) and she becomes my problem! When her kids leave home and she doesn't get those benefit any more, how is she going to finance herself?

OP posts:
Adrelaxzz · 27/02/2023 11:06

She isn't your problem..she is an adult and has to sort herself out.
Presumably she will inherit half your parents estate? That may give her time to make choices?

Beachhutnut · 27/02/2023 11:06

Can you talk to your parents and say no judgement but you need to think about how she's going to cope without your crutch and is it worth slowly withdrawing financial support and encouraging her to find her own feet.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 27/02/2023 11:08

I think that may cause problems down the line as she's had that already. That's what she was given as a loan'. (She'd get a third as we have another sibling).

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 27/02/2023 11:08

Just back off, what is it to you? Get on with your own life, and have your own relationship with your parents

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 27/02/2023 11:09

I've tried so many times. My dad is absolutely fed up with the whole thing and my mum gets upset. This situation has put loads of pressure on their marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 27/02/2023 11:10

Well, they're my parents and they're struggling with the situation, and their wellbeing is quite important to me. And as I mentioned, I will eventually inherit this situation. I can't really 'back off.' I've done the best I can in that respect by living a long way away and trying not to get drawn in more than I have to be.

OP posts:
BeExcellent2EachOther · 27/02/2023 11:10

Your sister will have to get a job and pay her own way like the rest of us.

Really not your problem.

I get how annoying it is though as my SIL is exactly the same. Her kids have practically been raised by my in-laws, but if you heard her talk you'd think she'd done everything herself without any help whatsoever 🙄

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 27/02/2023 11:12

BeExcellent2EachOther · 27/02/2023 11:10

Your sister will have to get a job and pay her own way like the rest of us.

Really not your problem.

I get how annoying it is though as my SIL is exactly the same. Her kids have practically been raised by my in-laws, but if you heard her talk you'd think she'd done everything herself without any help whatsoever 🙄

Yeah, that is the way of it.

Honestly, though, she won't get a job. She's got to late 40s without ever having one for more than a few weeks. I know everyone can say 'well she'll just have to' but it won't be that simple - I can guarantee it.

OP posts:
JussathoB · 27/02/2023 11:13

Planning the future based on an inheritance is a very risky business nowadays. More and more live into their nineties, so inheritance is a long way off, and many will need care or care home so money will be used up on that

WeAreTheHeroes · 27/02/2023 11:14

Is she maybe ashamed that she's not supporting herself? Why would she tell you your parents bought her washing machine for her? They're telling you so it's not a secret. You don't know that they haven't mentioned to her that they have told you. Why would she mention it if they already have.

The only thing I would advise is checking that your parents can actually afford to help her without negatively affecting their own lifestyle.

JussathoB · 27/02/2023 11:17

I can see why you are worried OP, it’s natural to be concerned about a family member who you think is not coping.
However although the unfairness in the childcare support is annoying, maybe you should try not to let that issue bother you. At the end of the day, if your sister’s children are local to your parents, and yours are not, it’s difficult to see how time spent with each could be equal, being realistic.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 27/02/2023 11:17

WeAreTheHeroes · 27/02/2023 11:14

Is she maybe ashamed that she's not supporting herself? Why would she tell you your parents bought her washing machine for her? They're telling you so it's not a secret. You don't know that they haven't mentioned to her that they have told you. Why would she mention it if they already have.

The only thing I would advise is checking that your parents can actually afford to help her without negatively affecting their own lifestyle.

Honestly, I don't know, that's sort of why I am thinking out loud on this place.

I don't understand what goes through her mind tbh. But what I do think is that she hasn't needed to get a job because she's manipulated that money from other people. She won't admit that to herself or anyone else though, so instead has to make out that she has a terrible hard life. Even though she and I have had the exact same background and opportunities.

OP posts:
Nightynightnight · 27/02/2023 11:18

As hard as this is to hear and to accept, this is really none of your business. You can do nothing to control any of it except your own relationship with your sister and your parents. If you are finding it too difficult to see them or speak to them due to resentment then you can pull back from the relationships. You have already tried to speak to your parents and it didn't work.

If your sister doesn't want to work then no one can force her. And as to what happens in the future, that's between her, her kids and the DWP. You don't have to support her, especially if doing so means you have less to support your own family.

WelshNerd · 27/02/2023 11:18

I have a brother who still lives at home, had never worked so my parents literally pay for everything. All you can do is disengage, lower your expectations (especially regarding inheritance) and don't worry now about what will happen when your parents die.

Bunce1 · 27/02/2023 11:19

I would say to your parents something along the lines of-

How you choose to finance Dsis is your business and I have expressed my concerns. However going forward I want you both to be assured of your care as you get old (then chat about what you’re prepared for and how you’ll support)and what I want to be sure of is that any estate planning you have is exactly how you want it and when the time comes there will be no upsets for anyone.

my brother was a freeloader and was always rinsing my parents and my mum would say oh when I die you’ll get this/that and I said I don’t care but whatever you do please make sure your wishes are clear, motorised and private so that when the time comes, it is as you want it.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 27/02/2023 11:19

JussathoB · 27/02/2023 11:17

I can see why you are worried OP, it’s natural to be concerned about a family member who you think is not coping.
However although the unfairness in the childcare support is annoying, maybe you should try not to let that issue bother you. At the end of the day, if your sister’s children are local to your parents, and yours are not, it’s difficult to see how time spent with each could be equal, being realistic.

It's not the unfairness that bothers me. I live in a different part of the country - they couldn't help me like that anyway, and that's my choice.

I'm more worried that this situation is just getting to be quite unsustainable.

OP posts:
JussathoB · 27/02/2023 11:20

I’m not saying your sister isn’t getting an easy ride, but think of the mess she would be in if she wasn’t getting the help.
Maybe it’s worth a calm conversation with your parents about the situation, see if you can come up with any new ideas on the problem

Bunnyishotandcross · 27/02/2023 11:20

Well looks like your dps will have the hand of The Golden Child to see them through their old age.
And you meanwhile can practice saying No in front of the mirror. And when cf dsis comes a-calling you will be well rehearsed.

wildseas · 27/02/2023 11:20

I know that talking about wills is stressful but in your position I would have a proper conversation with your parents about their will.

I would suggest that any money for her is stipulated to go into a trust (with a monthly amount paid to her) or be used to purchase an annuity. So that she has a regular sum rather than a chunk.

I also think that between you, your parents and your other sibling you need to make some provision for her children’s future - uni costs etc - so that her behaviour doesn’t pass down to her children

Nightynightnight · 27/02/2023 11:20

horseyhorsey17 · 27/02/2023 11:19

It's not the unfairness that bothers me. I live in a different part of the country - they couldn't help me like that anyway, and that's my choice.

I'm more worried that this situation is just getting to be quite unsustainable.

Show quote history

And maybe that's what needs to happens.

Bunce1 · 27/02/2023 11:21

*notarised !!

Treetopviews · 27/02/2023 11:21

Look op you don’t need to help her at some distant point in the future you can say no.

if your parents have an issue they need to speak to her, she is their child also.

really just back off.

JussathoB · 27/02/2023 11:21

horseyhorsey17 · 27/02/2023 11:19

It's not the unfairness that bothers me. I live in a different part of the country - they couldn't help me like that anyway, and that's my choice.

I'm more worried that this situation is just getting to be quite unsustainable.

Show quote history

Yes I do see your concern, and sympathise very much.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 27/02/2023 11:23

Nightynightnight · 27/02/2023 11:18

As hard as this is to hear and to accept, this is really none of your business. You can do nothing to control any of it except your own relationship with your sister and your parents. If you are finding it too difficult to see them or speak to them due to resentment then you can pull back from the relationships. You have already tried to speak to your parents and it didn't work.

If your sister doesn't want to work then no one can force her. And as to what happens in the future, that's between her, her kids and the DWP. You don't have to support her, especially if doing so means you have less to support your own family.

This is where I struggle as the family dyamic is that - as I am the eldest - she's always been my problem. My parents have tried to palm her off on me. She was sent to live with me during the holidays when I was at university, with no money so I ended up paying for the both of us. It's quite hard to step away from that, although I've tried. It's sad though as I'd like us to be closer, but I can't as I can't risk getting drawn into what would be endless, draining, expensive drama.

OP posts:
Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 27/02/2023 11:25

Bunnyishotandcross · 27/02/2023 11:20

Well looks like your dps will have the hand of The Golden Child to see them through their old age.
And you meanwhile can practice saying No in front of the mirror. And when cf dsis comes a-calling you will be well rehearsed.

She'd have them in a home in a heartbeat!

And yeah I do need to learn to say no.

OP posts:
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