Sister lies about how much help our parents give her

[horseyhorsey17]

It's not so much an AIBU as a WWYD in my position. Me and my sister are both single mums with two kids. She lives near my parents, I don't. I work full time, she's never held down a job for more than six weeks in her life. University educated, clever, attractive, personable - but there's always a reason why she quits the job and then has a few months off. Last time it was because her boss was a paedo (she didn't have any evidence for this, it was just a 'feeling'.) The upshot of this is that my parents give her a lot of money. They 'loaned' her a lot to buy her house (which they won't get back) and they have to pay her mortgage most months. They don't want to but my mum is a soft touch as far as she's concerned, in fact probably she's the reason why my sister is the way she is. They also do loads of her childcare. I live miles away and don't get any of the same treatment, but I'm not really bothered (that's why I live miles away) but what does bother me is that my sister tries to gaslight me about this. I struggle to speak to her on the phone as it always come back to how hard done by she is, and how terrible mum and dad are, and how they're rich and why don't they give her more money. I just found out yesterday that they bought her a new washing machine as hers packed up. My last conversation with my sister was a couple of days ago and that wasn't mentioned at all. She also says mum and dad don't help with her childcare, but every time I ring them, her kids are at their house. It's just a really weird dynamic. I think she's on the narcissism spectrum and she definitely does try and manipulate people - perhaps unintentionally - but just wondered if anyone could shed light on what is going on here, and what if anything, I should do? I've never said to her 'I know they help you loads, stop lying' because I know it would lead to WW3.

I also worry a lot what's going to happen when my parents die (as they're in their late 70s now) and she becomes my problem! When her kids leave home and she doesn't get those benefit any more, how is she going to finance herself?

I've had years of this though. What happens is she tells a twisted version to my mum and then I get my mum all upset on the phone telling me to apologise/sort it out etc. So I generally let her whinge on and go 'hmmm hmmm' and then bitch about it to my kids afterwards. My kids, by the way, are firmly of what appears to be the Mumsnet opinion on this.

If it was just her sulking, that would be fine. But she always drags as many people as she can into whatever drama she's got going on, so I just don't respond even when I'm having to bite my tongue so hard it's practically bleeding.

My bil is 54 and still lives at home with his Mum. She cooks and cleans his room and does all his laundry. Last year my FiL died. Mil was heartbroken. Even though bil was right there he was worse than useless. He stayed in his room saying he was too upset to come out. DH went up to help his Mum deal with funeral. He organised funeral director, got death certificate, helped his Mum choose coffin and went to funeral parlour with her to view his body and take his suit in. I wrote his eulogy and DH asked his brother if he would like to choose music as bil and FiL both liked country music. BiL refused so DD h had to do that too and organise the catering. I rang in bit for the newspaper from my home. BiL did nothing. Mil is getting older and is 82 and occasionally she complains of feeling unwell and has bad arthritis. I tell her to to have a hot bath an DC go for a lie down but she says sh we can't as has to get bil dinner. I have told her get him to ring in a takeaway but she won't let him down as she sees it. It makes my dh really angry his brother is so lazy and I have told bil he should be doing his own laundry and clean his own room. I have told mil to tell him to clean his own room but she says if she does not do it her son won't. I know he pays virtually nothing to cover his food and keep. DH and I both think he is a user but if mil puts up with it nothing we can do. We know her will says half house each but I just don't think BiL would move out so house could be sold when time comes. Bothers executives of will.

OP I am also the eldest of 3 and the one who can ‘always cope’ etc. have you heard the song sung by Luisa in Disney’s encanto? Honestly never related to a song more in my life! 😂 I know how it feels when you’ve had that dynamic and expectation but honestly op she is an adult and she is not your problem. I repeat not my circus not my monkeys to myself quite often when family drama is going on and I have my mum going on and on about it and telling me I need to speak to my sister because she apparently listens to me (she does not). I used to get so stressed from it all but now I just try and step back and say it’s up to sis what she does, nothing to do with me. It’s not always easy though and I am often low level stressed but you really need to step back. You won’t inherit the problem if you don’t let yourself.

I suppose your MIL likes the company. I have some sympathy for that I am already dreading mine leaving home! But I totally get where you're coming from with all this - if my parents get to the point of needing support once they're older, my sister won't step up, it'll be down to my other sibling and myself to organise that.

You acknowledged your need for therapy upthread.
There is ZERO shame in that. Please invest in yourself - this toxic feeling of guilt/responsibility needs digging out & burning. Look at it as the best self-care you could give yourself, & save yourself decades of negative feelings.

It will also save your from yourself when push comes to shove, & your sister descends on you in floods because SHE is so devatstated by her bereavement when your folks are eventualy no longer here to bail her out & she tells you how you are the only person she ever truly loved blah blah blah leech leech leech.

I'm starting to wonder where your righteous anger is.
Get yourself a marvellous therapist (btw it's fine to shop around a few, & stick with the one you feel you gel with). You need handholding while an expert in this type of toxic family dynamic challenges your deep-seated but irrational belief that you must either provide for your sister or suffer the awful consequence of poisonous guilt. Also your parents' role in making you The Responsible One.
Channelled appropriately, managed intelligently, a degree of anger is a powerful force. Go forth & find yours, dear OP!

Why are you having such long, detailed conversations with Dsis? If you're phoning her, then just stop or dial down frequency. If she is phoning you just invent some house emergency that you need to deal with when she lies.
Tell you DPs you want to know less details about what they're doing for her, just change the topic of conversation mid sentence if you need to.
The likely long term outcome is that Sis will inherit everything from your DM, fritter it all away and then look for someone else to plug the gap. That does not need to be you, in fact it does not need to be anyone.

You can't change their dynamics, you can only control your reaction.

And as I mentioned, I will eventually inherit this situation

Thing is, you have the same mindset as the rest of them, in that someone has to be responsible for her. You need to work on changing this before it’s too late.

"Mum, if you haven't worked out yet that DS is a liar who thrives off creating conflict & has manipulated you her entire life, I can't help you. I don't owe anybody an apology for refusing to collude in this bullshit, & I have done nothing wrong so stop expecting me to take the blame for DS's actions. Bean dip?"

I struggle with the righteous anger because part of me thinks 'Am I the arsehole'? Have I got this all wrong and she really IS the wronged party she presents herself to me as, and I am just a horrible jealous bitch.

books therapy sharpish

You have my sympathy.
My older sister was one to use my parents to fund her champagne life style and look after her children. Taking £10,000s over the years.
When mum died she cleaned out her bank account, stole huge amounts of belongings then didn't come to the funeral.
The rest of the family have been NC since then.
When all the money has gone she will have problems.
Stay strong for yourself and your immediate family.

😂😂😂

Spend a while browsing this site til you get the gist.
Then book yourself very decades-long experienced therapist who works with this dynamic.

outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

See the time when your DPs made you responsible for her as a student with no money. They are a lot more complicit in this dynamic than you want to admit.

Oh, they've enabled it for years and are now reaping what they've sown. My family is a bit messed up tbh. Just hope I don't repeat all the same mistakes with my own kids.

Therapy is definitely worth it if you need help to lose the guilt!

I’ve got 6 siblings.
2 hugely supported financially by parents.
Inheritance openly discussed by them as equal split 6 ways.
Of the 2 supported, both are a bit lazy. Well, a lot.
1 however does loads for parents now, the other is an arsehole.
When I get “my share”, I will happily given some up if it’s needed to house Supported Sibling 1. The other one? They can go hang. They’re an Arsehole. I feel no guilt 🤷🏻‍♀️

I also worry a lot what's going to happen when my parents die (as they're in their late 70s now) and she becomes my problem!

Your parents have done her no favours by keeping her as their little girl, not letting her grow up and become an independent adult. Don't make the mistake of stepping in to their shoes and making her dependent on you.

You are going to have to say no when your parents are gone. Given this and how much harder it will be to start then I would just fire the drama cannon, and maybe in a few years it will be quite clear you won’t be supporting her. It will save you a lot of stress down the line. Next phone call: ‘oh for fucks sake I don’t know why you need to lie from here to Sunday about it. Our parents give you loads of help, they help out with your children a lot, a lot more than many parents and it is bloody ungrateful of you to keep saying how they don’t. I wish they would stop and you could suddenly be living the life you tell everyone you are and maybe then you’d finally be grateful and appreciate them.’
try it!

Listen up old horse:

I suppose I am thinking about this now as I'd like to move further away in a few years time, when my kids leave home. Maybe to a different country. But I am also worried about moving so far away from home as my parents get more vulnerable, and my sister loses the benefits she gets and therefore becomes more financially dependent on them. Maybe I shouldn't move away. I don't know. Argh!

This is really bothering me.

Your one precious life, that you have spent building yourself up into independence, raising 2 healthy-minded kids, & you are considering blowing your chance of freedom, because your parents enable your leech of a sister, & you think it's somehow YOUR job to suck that up?

Move wherever you want to.
Even if you do a Catherine Cawood (Happy Valley) & piss off to the Himalayas in a landrover, there will be internet somewhere reachable, & you can facetime your folks.

Having self-supported all your adult life (including through Uni, when you "had" to support The Leech as well), you deserve the post-kids life you have worked for. Staying put just to oversee your family's dynamic won;t change it. You can't stop your parents from frittering their pensions on your sister, & you don't have to witness it. All that will happen is you will miss out on adventure, you will waste your life, & you are even more likely to become as enmeshed & miserable as your mum & dad about it all.

Therapy for you, & that's an order!
Just - choose wisely. See link upthread, use it as a guide. You need to 'gel' with your therapist, but you also need to guard against just paying somebody to tell you want you want to hear. A good one will challenge & support you in equal measures. - also xx

So this is a very timely thread - my elder brother has recently moved back in with parent as wife kicked him out. He has been bailed out I don’t know how many times. Extremely unstable financially, has been unwilling to address issues causing this in the past. Substance abuse problems as well. Lies constantly. Always the centre of focus, the one getting all the help and input and support and making everyone around him pick up the pieces.

I don’t have much insight as I’m too angry about it all atm but the replies to this have been super helpful and am feeling more comforted! OP I hope you can find some peace from the situation x

You haven't, & you won't.
Your DC are already telling you DS is a leech.

I make it sound like I don't ever disagree with her, but actually, I do. I'm the only person in the family who does call her out on her behaviour. Ironically, last time - when I said she'd behaved unfairly to the kids by having a stand-up row with her ex in the street - she called me a narcissist. I was so gobsmacked that I told her to f* off and didn't speak to her for a while - but I cracked eventually.

Everyone is right, though, I can't be close to her. The situation is hugely frustrating but clearly I can't change it - I have tried! All I can do is distance myself from it.

I know you are right. And I love the expression 'old horse'.

The dynamic you describe sounds alot like my mother and her sister (although her sister is the oldest).

My advice... disengage NOW. This is really NOT your problem and you only 'inherit' her as a burden if you agree to that. She is an adult and she is responsible for herself. Your parents behaviour is their issue, not yours as well. Say no. Say no and say no again. Your responsibility is to you and your children- not your sister.

My mother is 75. Her sister is 85. My mother has felt she has had to support, enable and cater to her sister her whole entire life. It has blighted her life and no amount of sensible discussions from others around her has made her see sense.

Do not allow yourself to get to the age of 75 and think you are responsible for a feckless adult who has agency and choice in how she behaves. Yes she can go and get a bloody job. She just chooses not to. You should not be angsting about how another adult behaves like this. Wash your hands of it.

If you think your parents are vulnerable and are being taken advantage of then report to the adult safeguarding team at their local authority. Elder abuse is a crime and financial abuse falls under that.

I don’t know if her actions constitute financial abuse that has to be your judgement to make.

I have this situation too but it will be my older sibling that will be expected to take up the slack . Except that she won't . OP don't be pressured into taking care of the sister esp as your parents get older , you may be gaslit into doing stuff for your sister and sorting out her problems. Put up barriers now and keep your distance .

If you say that your father has a watertight will, do you think he's aware of the possibility that your sister will try to manipulates your mother into giving her your share of the inheritance if he dies first? If so, why don't you start a conversation with him about puting at least his half of the estate in trust for you, so that your mother is provided for but cannot give it away. Your mother can then leave her half to your sister and all will be as it should be.