Sister lies about how much help our parents give her

[horseyhorsey17]

It's not so much an AIBU as a WWYD in my position. Me and my sister are both single mums with two kids. She lives near my parents, I don't. I work full time, she's never held down a job for more than six weeks in her life. University educated, clever, attractive, personable - but there's always a reason why she quits the job and then has a few months off. Last time it was because her boss was a paedo (she didn't have any evidence for this, it was just a 'feeling'.) The upshot of this is that my parents give her a lot of money. They 'loaned' her a lot to buy her house (which they won't get back) and they have to pay her mortgage most months. They don't want to but my mum is a soft touch as far as she's concerned, in fact probably she's the reason why my sister is the way she is. They also do loads of her childcare. I live miles away and don't get any of the same treatment, but I'm not really bothered (that's why I live miles away) but what does bother me is that my sister tries to gaslight me about this. I struggle to speak to her on the phone as it always come back to how hard done by she is, and how terrible mum and dad are, and how they're rich and why don't they give her more money. I just found out yesterday that they bought her a new washing machine as hers packed up. My last conversation with my sister was a couple of days ago and that wasn't mentioned at all. She also says mum and dad don't help with her childcare, but every time I ring them, her kids are at their house. It's just a really weird dynamic. I think she's on the narcissism spectrum and she definitely does try and manipulate people - perhaps unintentionally - but just wondered if anyone could shed light on what is going on here, and what if anything, I should do? I've never said to her 'I know they help you loads, stop lying' because I know it would lead to WW3.

I also worry a lot what's going to happen when my parents die (as they're in their late 70s now) and she becomes my problem! When her kids leave home and she doesn't get those benefit any more, how is she going to finance herself?

I will talk to him about this as I think this is what will happen.

My late Mum always had one good piece of advice. The relationship and goings on between A and B are nothing to do with me. They are up to A and B themselves. Don’t enquire and don’t get involved.

and your sister does not have to be your problem when your parents die.

Oh- and it may sound silly but the relationship between my mother and her sister (I refuse to call her my aunt) actually played quite a large role in me choosing to move countries and never return. There is quite alot to that story, but the shortest version is that I could not stomach watching my mother be manipulated the way she was and whenever we tried to help her or talk to her about it she would lose her temper (occasionally violently) or cry.

OP - when your parents die, your sister will run through whatever share of inheritance she gets, then she will be poor.

this is a direct consequence of her choices as an adult and no one’s problem but her own.

you need to be clear in your mind that her fecklessness and poverty will not be your issues to fix.

also be clear to your parents if they push themselves into poverty in old age in order to enable sister to avoid facing adult hood in her 40s, you won’t fix this either.

THIS.

OP, therapy (which I'm happy to see you've already embraced the idea of) will help you identify and nip thought patterns like this in the bud. The very notion that someone will have to step in and be her next source of money and support is one of many that will be ingrained in you, and can be picked apart and healed in therapy. Best of luck <3

One of my favourite phrases I learned from MN is 'not my circus, not my monkeys'.

Repeat every time you feel drawn into the crap.

And It's hard to see clearly in these situations- you have grown up with it.

Look up vulnerable narcissist OP. Your sister sounds like one. How do I know? Because I have one myself. People lap up anything she says because a) she's pretty and b) woe is her life and people bend over backwards trying to help. If anyone sees right through her, she'll erase them from her life. The baffling thing is, not many do see her for her tricks. They fall for her lies hook, line and sinker.

I'd have the row me. Have the ww3 so she knows in no uncertain terms you won't be taking over where they left off.

I also worry a lot what's going to happen when my parents die (as they're in their late 70s now) and she becomes my problem!

Well, that's up to you. Don't 'make' her your problem. Tell her she needs to get a job. Also deduct her 'loan' from the joint inheritance. It's sounds as though you are all dancing around her and enabling her, to be honest.

Just stop. Look after your own kids, and she can look after hers.

PS: My sister is a narcissist. Has taken me years to realise this but her behaviour makes more sense now. I don't have anything to do with her. She runs my Mum (almost 80) with her childcare demands.

Are you 100% certain she's not going to inherit any more? Sounds like she's exactly the type to ensure your mum leaves her or her kids some more. Where's your evidence she's had "her third " and thst the remainder will be split only between uou and your other sibling

I do get how upsetting this all is. My bf has a relative who whilst he does work still lives at home, pays a pittance in rent and has no life skills. We have tried and tried to make something happen and nothing ever does.

Once this relative's parents are gone he will have to get on with it. He will not be my bf's problem and your sister will not be yours. She will try to make it yours I am sure but you stand firm. She has had all this money and support but the gravy train ends.

I know your DM has done this out of kindness and I get it. But it will leave your sister without life skills.

@gamerchick - I like your style!

Somewhere down the line, and sooner rather than later, it might be a good idea to have a chat with your parents about setting up financial power of attorney. Assuming that the third sibling is a responsible person, the two of you could both be named on it.

This would mean that at some future stage, if and when when parent/s are no longer able to deal with financial matters themselves, you and the other sibling would be able to deal with these on their behalf. This would have to be set up while your parents still understand what it is all about, but would not be 'enacted', for want of a better word, until actually needed.

It seems to me, given your worries about how your sister might manipulate one or both of your parents when they are older, that this is something that you should try to talk to your parents about, as you definitely don't want to give your sister the opportunity to manipulate them into giving her that power at some later stage. From everything you have said, that would be an absolute catastrophe and she would definitely not act in your parents' best interests when they become frail and vulnerable.

You’ll only inherit it if you allow yourself to.

your parents are important to you yes, but just like they shouldn’t fix your sisters problems, it’s not your job to fix theirs.

none of this is your problem unless you let it be.

as for you each getting 1/3rd, I’d put money on your mother leaving it all to sister. “As she needs it so much more”.

The only thing I would advise is checking that your parents can actually afford to help her without negatively affecting their own lifestyle.

I agree with the above advice and also with @Oldnproud 's suggestion that you discuss setting up Powers of Attorney for your parents. Given they're already in their late 70's, I'd do this right away and suggest doing both types, both Financial and Health POA's. This will enable the Attorney's to make health-related decisions if your parents are incapacitated (unconscious in hospital, for example), which could be vital. Your Dad sounds sensible, talk to him about it first- it's very common to have a POA and not morbid to talk about it, many people have them for decades and don't need to activate them, but it's a form of protection.

Typically people have at least two Attorney's and sometimes a backup if one of them can't act for some reason. Perhaps your parents could be each other's Attorney's and you be the second one? Be clear that you don't think it's wise to have your sister on there though, as it'll give her power over their finances!

I forgot there's a third sibling- they could be the backup attorney if both your parents become frail.

You mention a third sibling... what's their take on all this?

Call her out and have the row. If it's that bad now what have you got to lose?

She will only become your problem if you allow it.

If you are so manipulated by her that you cannot even imagine letting her fend for herself at some time in the future it is easy to understand why your parents can't do it.

It can be very hard for parents not to 'help'. But you are right to think this is a problem that will not go away.
Your poor parents are very miserable at a time when they should not be.
Do ensure that you discuss Power of Attorney with them. Their choice but at least if they agreed it would mean you are able to look after their money for them.
And talk to them about a Will. Do they both have one ( sorry if already mentioned) ? Who is an executor.
It seems hard but money matters. Both or one of your parents may need all their money to assist in buying reasonable care. It is their money.
Your sister whatever her reasons is using your parents as a sort of bank. Which is unacceptable. It is unlikely you can persuade them to stop helping her.
The only thing they might be able to do is to explain to her that monies give are a loan and not a gift. There is a difference in handling when someone dies.
But look at things in a pragmatic way.

Also wanted to share that I do understand your concerns. DH's younger sister is somewhat dependent on his elderly parents (in their early 80's now), not as much as your sister, but enough for DH to have been concerned at times.

We know they've assisted her financially, but luckily his Dad is v. careful and won't have overextended financially - but it's a worry when middle-aged people expect their elderly parents to support them so much, it shows a lack of concern for them.

@horseyhorsey17 your sister will be screwed at pension age.

Yes when the time comes, your parents are sadly no longer around, and your sister comes running to you for financial help, just say no. Then she will be forced to stand on her own two feet, one way or another. That is the only way to deal with it. Otherwise she’ll end up sponging off you for the rest of your life.

Have you got POAs in place for your parents?