Sister lies about how much help our parents give her

[horseyhorsey17]

It's not so much an AIBU as a WWYD in my position. Me and my sister are both single mums with two kids. She lives near my parents, I don't. I work full time, she's never held down a job for more than six weeks in her life. University educated, clever, attractive, personable - but there's always a reason why she quits the job and then has a few months off. Last time it was because her boss was a paedo (she didn't have any evidence for this, it was just a 'feeling'.) The upshot of this is that my parents give her a lot of money. They 'loaned' her a lot to buy her house (which they won't get back) and they have to pay her mortgage most months. They don't want to but my mum is a soft touch as far as she's concerned, in fact probably she's the reason why my sister is the way she is. They also do loads of her childcare. I live miles away and don't get any of the same treatment, but I'm not really bothered (that's why I live miles away) but what does bother me is that my sister tries to gaslight me about this. I struggle to speak to her on the phone as it always come back to how hard done by she is, and how terrible mum and dad are, and how they're rich and why don't they give her more money. I just found out yesterday that they bought her a new washing machine as hers packed up. My last conversation with my sister was a couple of days ago and that wasn't mentioned at all. She also says mum and dad don't help with her childcare, but every time I ring them, her kids are at their house. It's just a really weird dynamic. I think she's on the narcissism spectrum and she definitely does try and manipulate people - perhaps unintentionally - but just wondered if anyone could shed light on what is going on here, and what if anything, I should do? I've never said to her 'I know they help you loads, stop lying' because I know it would lead to WW3.

I also worry a lot what's going to happen when my parents die (as they're in their late 70s now) and she becomes my problem! When her kids leave home and she doesn't get those benefit any more, how is she going to finance herself?

So my BILs life is a train wreck. He is mid 30s, never held down a job, has only lived independently if supported by my in-laws and causes them no end of drama and stress. But you know what? They have enabled him for all these years and made excuses, they are at least partly to blame for the situation.

I doubt my DH will get any inheritance. I think it hurts his feelings, mainly because of the lack of effort (in-laws are always preoccupied with bil). He has put all of his efforts into building a life he is proud of. I think all you can do is accept the situation, distance yourself and focus on your own life.

I can relate somewhat @horseyhorsey17 as I have a brother who is an alcoholic and has never (yet so far) ‘launched’ himself and still lives at home, rent free with my parents. He struggles to hold down a job, has money issues, my parents subsidise him each and every month both in living for free in London and also they give him money for petrol so he can get to work etc. Same as you in that my Dad is at the end of his tether and my mum is soft. Parents are financially generous with all of us but he lives for free pretty much. I didn’t mind when he was young but he’s not now. My parents also falling out over it.. it’s very very hard. They also pay for his ‘therapy’ to the tune of a good few hundred a month…I too wonder what will happen when they are no longer around. I think the best thing you can do really is to distance yourself from it and make it clear to your parents you won’t be doing the same as them when they are no longer here… you could ask them what they think will happen in 10/15/20 years etc and see if it starts any thoughts there. Take some solace in the fact you’re independent and can rely on yourself- good life skills. Good luck xxxx

OP - my advice to you is to write off any thoughts of inheritance for you and back away as much as you feel able.

I am not suggesting you don't fight for what you feel is right as and when the time comes, if there is anything left worth fighting for, but in all honesty this dynamic is unlikely to yield anything but more problems.

I was parentified as a child by my mother and was expected to parent my younger sister. She does not lie to me about her finances because I do not discuss them with her, but my parents bankrolled her for years and my mother continues to do so. I am told by my mother that my father does not, but if things got really problematic I know my mother would put pressure on him to cough up again. And if he dies first goodness knows what will happen. I did point out to my mother recently, when she expressed dissatisfaction with how much money she is 'forced to' hand over, that perhaps her generosity is in fact enabling unwise decisions. That conversation did not go terribly well. Reading between the lines it seems that my sister does not ask my mother for money, though she is quite prepared to be open about her troubles, but my mother knows that money is a good means of control.

Goodness knows what the full dynamic is in your family but it sounds like it ain't pretty. I see further up-thread you were open to the idea of therapy and I would recommend you proceed with this if possible. I started a few months ago and it has been both helpful and eye-opening. Wishing you all the best.

I agree that your sister sounds like she’s a narcissistic personality, the things she says and does, the extremely selfish, everything is always me me me, manipulative, grabby, she’s the constant victim, gaslighting, lying, covering things out of shame that dents her ego, her generally being life sucking force who makes everyone around her miserable and she takes takes takes, and it always comes back around to her, wants everything handed to her without ever earning it, nor being grateful, nor having insight into her impact on others, her lack of empathy, and her never changing or growing out of things, you’re treading on eggshells because you know that even the smallest comments or perceived slights she blows up at. That in itself is a manipulative tactic so that people learn not do do that again to her.

You wondered why she thinks and acts certain ways, but all these things your sister says and does are very likely caused by the narcissism. There are more than one type, but they pretty much are all on the same script.

Please go online to youtube and search for Dr Ramani. She’s a professional psychiatrist and is a leading expert on this very personality type and dedicates a lot of her time to educating people on how to understand why they do what they do, and how to make things better for you to cope with, and what to do or not to do or say that would make things worse.

I can’t recommend her and her videos enough. They’re all fairly short 8-12 minutes long, clearly titled and it’s extremely eye opening, educational and life changing help for some people suffering with these people in their lives. Although we can’t change them, by education you learn the tools needed to keep your emotional suffering to a minimum, to keep you safe, and how best to engage with them. Just knowing WHY they do what they do can at least be validating, and there’s loads of support on the comments sections from others who have this type of person in their own lives too.

I am sorry you and your parents are going through this, and hope that there’s some useful information, and advice that will help ease the burden.

I'm not anti them. I think that they have a place. However, I think it's a bit ageist to suggest that anyone over 70 should have one put in place even if there are two fit and healthy people while probably not doing the same thing for themselves. If they are that essential then everyone should have one as anyone can become incapacitated. You say that you will set one up as soon as your children are adults but if it's important why aren't you finding someone e.g. another relative to be power of attorney is for you (should it be necessary) now?

Many people don't have wills, but being without one is a bad idea. Same with LPAs. For adults in general.

As soon as I really realised the implications of having or not having an LPA, and how easy it is to put one in place, I put one in place. Literally within weeks.

Sorry to sidetrack your thread OP.

Talk to your parents about Lasting Power of Attorney, just in case your sister tries to take control of their finances if they become unable to manage them.

True. but do those without wills tell other people to get them. I doubt it.

Nobody seems to have addressed the very real possibility that any LPA discussion/encouragement could lead to Dsis ending up with it, for DM at least. If she hasn't got it already.

You’ve got a good point, but as all my relatives are older than me, I’m assuming/hoping that I’ll remain healthier for longer! DH has one younger sibling, but she has health issues, unfortunately, so she’s not a good choice. Everyone else is older.

I’m hoping that as we’re under 50, it’s not a necessity yet. I’m sorry that you think it’s ageist to assume that LPA’s are a good idea for people in their 70’s - as I said earlier, I’m only recommending them on the basis of my own family’s experience.

This is a good point. With all these discussions about wills or anything, there is the possibility that the parents will do what they think is best, even if that is giving everything to the sister. Only OP can guess what is likely to happen.

Exactly. Why would they give OP the power of attorney rather than the sister. I'm not sure the fact that she wants to stop them doing what they currently do when of sound mind is going to sell it to them.

I'm not big on telling people to go to therapy but I'll make an exception for you @horseyhorsey17 because I think you could really benefit from it. All your life you've been put in the Big Sister/Part time Parent role and you're still carrying that with you and letting it spoil your life even though you've managed to break away a bit. Talking it all out could really help you find a different view on all this.

Your DS isn't your problem, your DPs have let her get away with murder and you don't have to clear up the mess they're making, their circus, their monkeys. On a practical note please remind your DPs that keep giving money to your Sister could impact their retirement, they can't afford to finance her for ever

Why assume that? As you say your DH his sister is younger and she is less healthy than you.

@orchid220 Sadly her health problems are related to an eating disorder so being younger isn’t really relevant.

My personal opinion is that once a couple is in their 70’s, possibly 60’s, it’s a good idea to set up LPA’s with younger relatives. If I become incapacitated tomorrow, it’s likely that my DH could act for me for the foreseeable future. But if my FIL is incapacitated in a few years, it’s unlikely that my MIL would be able to act for him as her capacity is diminishing.

it’s not ageism, it’s a fact of life that certain health risks ,such as the likelihood of developing dementia, increase with age.

The reasons for her health issues are irrelevant. You may be more likely to have certain health issues the older you get but if you want to argue it is essential, then is essential for everybody because mental capacity can be lost at any age.

@orchid220 OK, if that’s the conclusion you want to draw from this thread.

The OP was asking for ideas on how to deal with the financial situation concerning her parents ( late 70’s) and her sister. Several people have suggested talking to them about making LPA’s. Perhaps it’s not the right solution but I don’t think it’s a bad suggestion.

What makes you think that OP has A) any rights to command her parents like that & B) that they, especially her mother, would comply?

It's their money, & if they want to throw is all at their feckless child, that's exactly what they are going to do.

I think OP is right to have a chat with her dad, the more sensible of the pair, about protecting her mother from predation should the dad pre-decease her. But apart from that, she needs to live her own life, by refusing to allow her sister to become her personal leech when the parents become frail & eventually die.

Are you restoring your Himalaya-bound landrover yet OP? 😁
LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE don't you dare change your long term plans due to your sister's selfishness.

Try reading OP's posts.
She's so clearly proud of her own financial independence & not leeching off her parents, it's hard to understand why you think she's motivated by jealousy.

And somebody who actively chose to move miles away in order to disengage from this situation is hardly expecting childcare.

The posters suggesting you get power of attorney are also being ridiculous. Why would they give you that if they are of sound mind?

Because it's too late to set up POA when of unsound mind - that would be illegal, @orchid220

Your sister will be entitled to a state pension, and possibly some additional benefits.

Only if she's registered her entitlement to have her NI payments waived as part of her child benefit. If she hasn't sorted that out, given that she's barely worked for decades, she won't be getting a state pension.

Given that it could end up with Dsis getting the POA instead, it is. Nothing good will come of raising the issue and it could make things worse.

POA just isn't useful when it comes to protecting a person from someone they don't want to be protected from. It's not going to work here. OP has already confirmed that her mother wouldn't agree to it, which was bleeding obvious anyway. I don't understand why the attachment to the idea.

Oh don't be ridiculous.
That's like suggesting that it's ageist to say that older women are more prone to osteoporosis.

Just because someone is more prone to something it doesn't mean they have got it. 40 year olds are more likely to have osteoporosis than 20 year olds but you wouldn't assume a 40 year old has it. People with mental health conditions may be more likely to be mentally incapacitated then healthy people without mental health conditions but that doesn't mean everybody is.

And your point is ...?

Waiting until incapacity strikes (just in case it doesn't) before setting up a POA means that ... you can no longer set up a POA.