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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think this trip isn't really worth it?

310 replies

Funkyslippers · 27/02/2023 10:19

DD1 is at uni 200 miles away. She's due back for couple of weeks at Easter. She wants us to travel up with DD2 to meet her new boyfriend then we'd stay the night then drive back with her the next day. OH and I think it's a long journey to just meet her boyfriend for a couple of hours (on a bad day could take up to nearly 6 hours 1 way) plus expensive for us in petrol and accommodation for 3 people especially as she's coming home anyway. She says it would be cheaper for her if we drove as no train fare for her but we'd contribute to her train fare anyway. She reckons it's the only time in quite a while we'd get to meet him as he's working abroad for a few months. They've been together about 2 months but she's besotted. Would like some views please

OP posts:
Maraudingmarauders · 27/02/2023 16:27

My parents picked both my brother (200miles) and I (100miles) up from University every term. The only restriction was it couldnt be the same week/weekend so we'd work it out between us.
I'd absolutely do the same for my kids if I could. Meeting the bf is nice, but a bit of a side extra on top of the excuse for more time with the child(teen/20something) and a chance to nose around the local area and stop somewhere nice on the way.
DF would rarely stop over though and just do it in one day.
I did go to visit one 450miles away and he did say they'd have stopped over for that one and wouldn't be willing to do mid term trips on top, think they were quite glad that I didn't get in!

GloomyDarkness · 27/02/2023 16:28

My parents expected me to get the train, and never knew much about my uni life. That was fine, but it did affect our relationship. They made it clear that they weren't interested in my life, so I stopped trying to tell them so much about my life. We're cordial, but not exactly close. If you want to maintain a close relationship, both sides have to put the effort in.

My parents did come and pick me up but always wanted to go straight back and weren't that interested in my uni life bar the education bit- never had much interest in DH who I met at 18 - in contrast to siblings partners who were living near them not one of who is still around.

I do think that created distance in our relationship and I don't want that distance with my kids if I can help it.

Assuming I could swing something I'd try and go doesn't mean I think the OP is wrong not to be keen or decide not to.

Fiddledediddledeedee · 27/02/2023 16:29

JillenTavau · 27/02/2023 16:24

@CurlyhairedAssassin we had Ds's housemates comment on us travelling up to collect him for Christmas and that his younger brother had bothered to come with us. It is a 90 minute drive away from us. Plus him and his brother are thick as thieves, face time each other, chat whilst they game together.

Ds was at a gig with 2 friends and we were watching all the trains get cancelled while they were oblivious. Dh set out in the car knowing they wouldn't be able to get home. It was only an hour away but his mates were astounded he would do that and collect them. One commented that his parents wouldn't even give him a lift to the local train station never mind an hour away. Dh loved it because they were all really hyped from the gig, they stopped off to get food, teens never seem full. I think Dh was reliving his uni years too.

OP I think if you wanted to make more of a weekend of it you could. I do think it is a long way but then it is only for 3 years and it isn't every weekend. Anyone who has children at uni knows that there is always a chance you have to clear their room at Christmas and Easter. So you could be doing it anyway.

Agree
driving for several hours…lovely….
cleaning their room is a definate step too far for me.

Id wait in the car 😑

Fiddledediddledeedee · 27/02/2023 16:30

Fiddledediddledeedee · 27/02/2023 16:29

Agree
driving for several hours…lovely….
cleaning their room is a definate step too far for me.

Id wait in the car 😑

Show quote history

Oops. Clear ( misread ) or clean it’s all the same to me

Zonder · 27/02/2023 16:31

What's so bad about her wanting a lift home? My parents picked me up at the end of term sometimes, until I got a car, because the train journey involved 4 changes and took a whole day. I intend to do the same for my children. I'm still their mum.

Acunningruse · 27/02/2023 16:31

When I was at Uni, my parents did a 2h30 journey each way one sunday to come and meet my boyfriend of 3 months. We both had years abroad studying whilst at Uni, stayed together and have been married for 20 years.

If you say no to this, be prepared for her not to make the same journey for you in future years. i can picture the AIBU "AIBU to think this trip isnt worth it? DParents live 200 miles away and really want to see their new Grandchild but..." what goes around comes around.

diddl · 27/02/2023 16:33

Seems daft to me.

Why can't he visit over Easter or you meet him when he's back from working away?

AgentJohnson · 27/02/2023 16:33

She’s being seeing this guy for eight weeks! If it’s so important to her or them that they meet you, then he comes to you. Is your DD normally a CF?

ThreeLittleDots · 27/02/2023 16:36

If you say no to this, be prepared for her not to make the same journey for you in future years. i can picture the AIBU "AIBU to think this trip isnt worth it? DParents live 200 miles away and really want to see their new Grandchild but..." what goes around comes around

Don't be so ridiculous. OP made the journey a few months ago and sees DD regularly.

ThreeLittleDots · 27/02/2023 16:37

My parent never picked me up from uni and it hasn't affected our relationship whatsoever.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/02/2023 16:40

I'd do it, if only out of curiosity about DD's bf. Does he appear to be a 'nice guy' etc. Not that you can always get the right impression about someone in an afternoon, but I'd still want to meet him just to see if there are any 'immediate red flags'.

200 miles isn't that far, really. But then, I'm used to freeways.

pattihews · 27/02/2023 16:41

Lamelie · 27/02/2023 16:15

Gosh, that’s quite a robust reply.
How do you think people go about “encountering and learning from people whose experience and connections and ideas and way of life can be a positive influence.”?
Bonding, making connections, socialising etc. This trip would facilitate all that.

Show quote history

The daughter won't acquire any social capital by getting her parents, whom she's known for 18 years, to give her a lift home. She'd have more chance of developing social capital by coming home on the train and talking to the person sitting next to her.

I once got a job after agreeing to swap seats on a plane. The person I moved to sit next to said she liked the way I'd handled the swap request and we got talking. We talked all the way from Belfast to London and discovered that I worked in her husband's industry. We swapped numbers and kept in touch. Months later a job opportunity came up at her husband's place of work and she called me and suggested I apply. I got the job. That's how social capital works, it's not about bonding with your mum and dad.

StickofVeg · 27/02/2023 16:41

I'd go - its important to her.

Singularity82 · 27/02/2023 16:41

Zonder · 27/02/2023 16:31

What's so bad about her wanting a lift home? My parents picked me up at the end of term sometimes, until I got a car, because the train journey involved 4 changes and took a whole day. I intend to do the same for my children. I'm still their mum.

End of term I absolutely would. I’d never expect my kid to traipse all their worldly possessions home on the train. This is a completely different scenario, though.

ChrisPPancake · 27/02/2023 16:43

I think YABU. She's asked her family so it's clearly important to her. If she's all packed up by the time you get there then you can have a leisurely drive back the following day. Stop for lunch or at an attraction or something on the way back?

Zonder · 27/02/2023 16:50

Singularity82 · 27/02/2023 16:41

End of term I absolutely would. I’d never expect my kid to traipse all their worldly possessions home on the train. This is a completely different scenario, though.

Show quote history

It's literally the same! It's the Easter holiday - end of spring term!

JillenTavau · 27/02/2023 16:51

@Fiddledediddledeedee I was like clean? Nah, not my job. Ds is a neat freak, has a hand held hoover for dusting and a flat mop for his uni room and it always smells fresh. He even has a laundry schedule. We raised him right Grin

Clearing a room out every holiday is what both Dh and I had to do at uni so we were prepared and glad that Ds chose a uni relatively close by just in case. Dh also had a very clean room at uni when I met him. Like Father, like son.

Singularity82 · 27/02/2023 17:03

Zonder · 27/02/2023 16:50

It's literally the same! It's the Easter holiday - end of spring term!

Show quote history

Sorry, I meant end of academic year. My daughter leaves all her stuff in uni at the end of Easter term.

HeavenIsAHalfpipe · 27/02/2023 17:03

WTF475878237NC · 27/02/2023 10:47

It feels like she’s trying to demonstrate to him how committed she is to the relationship “see my parents came all this way to see you, see how serious I am about you, please wait for me and don’t shag someone else overseas.”

^ yep. Has nothing to do with your opinion.

Yep, got it in one. Why on earth does she want her parents to come 200 miles to meet her new boyfriend she has known 8 weeks? Confused No reason except, (as pps have said) to get a lift back, and as the pp I quoted said, to try and say to her new bloke 'my parents have come to see you, PLEASE don't shag other girls.' It's not because she 'values your opinion' @Funkyslippers ... At school/college/uni age, kids don't give a fuck about their parents opinions on anything! Dislike my tattoos mom? I'll have another 3 next week then.

The passive aggressive 'I love my DD so much that I would definitely go' comments are incredibly tedious. Competitive stuff like 'I would travel to Jupiter to see my daughter's new boyfriend, even though I have had yogurts in the fridge for more time than they have been together... What you wouldn't? Hmmmm can't love your daughter as much as I love mine then.' 🙄

Having had 2 children (now grown) at uni who were 250 and 275 miles away, I know what a fucking ball-ache that distance was, and NO I would not be doing what the OP's daughter is asking. She is just angling for a lift home. So no I wouldn't do it, and no it DOESN'T mean I love them less than people who would do FFS. Hmm As pps have said, I would sooner send her the trainfare home.

CarolineHelston · 27/02/2023 17:05

It is overwhelmingly likely they will split up. If they do not split up, then there will be plenty more opportunities to meet him.

I have done conversations with new boyfriends on FaceTime and it's meant that when we've done the face to face meeting, there's more of a feeling of already having got to know them a bit.. Less pressure than some meal in a restaurant.

And really if they're old enough to be in grownup relationships they're old enough to travel by public transport. {Different if they're in some really out of the way place/ill/have to clear a room of lots of possessions at the end of the academic year.)

bossybloss · 27/02/2023 17:06

Yes !! Definitely go …. We used to drive down and back to pick my daughter up from Uni, meeting her friends was the highlight of the day …..could you not go down the night before and spend some time with them both. Because we have always been involved with her boyfriends, she shares lots about them good and bad which as her Mum is what I want!

FeinCuroxiVooz · 27/02/2023 17:10

I would certainly say no to doing there&back in a day. but I would consider it with the overnight trip, if it was affordable and if the city where she's living is nice. It doesn't just have to be about the boyfriend, it's meaningful and important for her to share with you and show you the many aspects of the life she is enjoying away from you. Then I might say yes, provided the deal also included a full guided tour

2bazookas · 27/02/2023 17:13

She makes her own way home at the end of term; buses are a lot
cheaper than trains.

Tell DD if she's so keen for you and BF to meet , you invite him to visit you at home.

If he can't be bothered/refuses, then he's not that keen on her.

jellybar · 27/02/2023 17:13

Haven't RTFT but why are you just going there to meet her bf for a few hours? You're staying the night aren't you? Can't you explore her uni town and meet her friends etc, have a nice family trip? My parents were very much "it's your own business / the price and time of us travelling isn't worth it, we'll see you when you come home" kind of parents at uni and I felt envious of others with involved, supportive families!

GloomyDarkness · 27/02/2023 17:24

The passive aggressive 'I love my DD so much that I would definitely go'

I don't think its passive aggressive to have a different view point - obviously I'm one of many posters who did marry the first uni boyfriend they had and I have a complex relationship with my own family so that's going to colour my view point.

I think there have been some snide posts from go and don't sides -I say I'd try and go but between work, other kids and failing parents health and frankly money it may not be possible to sort anything out - and best counter offer might be facetime.

I would try and see if something was possible and I wouldn't assume my child had some alternative motive for suggestion or was being incredibly selfish like many posters have suggested or that the relationship was obviously insignificant and doomed. If he does stick long term around a PP is right there should be more opportunities to meet him - and hopefully unlike my DP Op will take full advantage of that.

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