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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think this trip isn't really worth it?

310 replies

Funkyslippers · 27/02/2023 10:19

DD1 is at uni 200 miles away. She's due back for couple of weeks at Easter. She wants us to travel up with DD2 to meet her new boyfriend then we'd stay the night then drive back with her the next day. OH and I think it's a long journey to just meet her boyfriend for a couple of hours (on a bad day could take up to nearly 6 hours 1 way) plus expensive for us in petrol and accommodation for 3 people especially as she's coming home anyway. She says it would be cheaper for her if we drove as no train fare for her but we'd contribute to her train fare anyway. She reckons it's the only time in quite a while we'd get to meet him as he's working abroad for a few months. They've been together about 2 months but she's besotted. Would like some views please

OP posts:
Skye991422 · 27/02/2023 15:33

If she did just want a lift why did she say she wanted DD1 to come along too? Seems to me she wants the whole family to meet him and it’s important to her so in which case I would go. Show her she means a lot to you and is the worth the effort. It doesn’t matter whether they break up or stay together- you were there when it mattered to her. It’s actually YOUR relationship with your daughter that’s the important point here

astarsheis · 27/02/2023 15:37

I would and did drive to meet DDs boyfriend. They are now getting married.
We often travelled to see our DC at uni. I liked seeing the cities they were studying in and meeting their friends.

Hankunamatata · 27/02/2023 15:40

I'd go and make a weekend of it. You could even stop somewhere touristy on way back.

LuluBlakey1 · 27/02/2023 15:42

We'd go because she asked us, and because she's besotted and we'd want to know what he's like and, if it does fall apart while he's abroad, so we could support her from a place where we knew a bit about who we were talking about.

zingally · 27/02/2023 15:51

If you can afford to, I don't see why you wouldn't tbh. This is your CHILD who wants to introduce someone who is special to them.

Personally, I think showing an interest in the weird and wonderful world of late-teens/early 20s gives you a lot of capital to cash in when it comes to having loving adult relationships with them 10 years from now.

ancientgran · 27/02/2023 15:57

I'd go to pick her up, I always did with mine, but I wouldn't go to meet a boyfriend of 2 months. If he happened to be around while I was there I'd be nice but wouldn't go specially for him.

Newusername21 · 27/02/2023 15:57

I think for me it would depend if I'd been to see DD at her uni. You say you've seen her recently at Xmas and Oct - but did she come to you though?
I think Id use the invitation as an excuse to see how DD is living when away from me... visit her accommodation - have a poke around local area where she's living etc. Use it as an excuse to see local sights to there etc - and then see meeting new BF as a bonus.
Like others have said if my DD was wanting to include me in her relationship with BF I'd be delighted and if he's going away soon this is really you're best chance. In future - assuming they stay together perhaps arrange to meet somewhere halfway.

mewkins · 27/02/2023 16:00

Op, another option is that you could go up on your own, sleep in her room and then drive her home?

SkippyKangeroo · 27/02/2023 16:01

Absolutely not, meet him on FaceTime, send her the entire rail fare which would be the same I guess in petrol money.

There's some amazing super parents in this thread , isn't there? nothing too much trouble for their darling little cherubs.

lovescats3 · 27/02/2023 16:03

I'd go it's nice she wants to involve you in her life

Back2Back2t · 27/02/2023 16:04

SkippyKangeroo · 27/02/2023 16:01

Absolutely not, meet him on FaceTime, send her the entire rail fare which would be the same I guess in petrol money.

There's some amazing super parents in this thread , isn't there? nothing too much trouble for their darling little cherubs.

There's some amazing super parents in this thread , isn't there? nothing too much trouble for their darling little cherubs.

😂😂DS couldn't pay me to do a cross country to meet his new boo of 2 months when I could meet her on facetime! Better yet they can both take a train and come and see me!! This isn't just nipping to Asda on the next street 😕

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 27/02/2023 16:04

I would go.

Even if the boyfriend wasn't in the picture, I would go and pick my DD up and bring them home at the end of the semester.

My parents did it for me and I really appreciated not having to lug everything home on a series of trains and buses! It was also nice to just sit in the car and talk/catch up without any interruptions.

I still remember my mum driving six hours to bring me back "home" after a serious relationship ended in my twenties. It was such a lovely thing for her to do and I've never forgotten it.

ThreeLittleDots · 27/02/2023 16:05

Newusername21

OP stated up-thread that she last did the horrendous journey (her words) to visit DD in Oct half term.

SofiaSoFar · 27/02/2023 16:06

Kids at uni get a lot of social capital from having involved families.

They get what???

Catspyjamas17 · 27/02/2023 16:06

My parents came to France to see me when I was studying there for a year, it was lovely.

pattihews · 27/02/2023 16:06

Lamelie · 27/02/2023 10:21

If you can afford the cost and time, go for it. Kids at uni get a lot of social capital from having involved families.
It’s lovely that she wants you to meet him.

No, that's not social capital. Social capital is about networking and meeting people to those who can help you out at a later date: it's about encountering and learning from people whose experience and connections and ideas and way of life can be a positive influence. Social capital is why people pay a fortune to educate their children at private schools where they can make useful connections.

It's not about parents getting up at 6am to drive 200 miles to have a quick lunch with DD's new boyfriend and then taking her back.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 27/02/2023 16:08

Catspyjamas17 · 27/02/2023 16:06

My parents came to France to see me when I was studying there for a year, it was lovely.

Mine too!

They didn't have to and I certainly didn't expect it but it was really nice to see them and show them around where I was living.

WyfOfBathe · 27/02/2023 16:12

When I was at uni, I was always jealous of the students whose parents visited them. Nearly all of my housemates would have their parents come pick them up for the holidays - even if there was no boyfriend to meet! Their parents would meet their new friends, see their new favourite places, and have a nice time together.

My parents expected me to get the train, and never knew much about my uni life. That was fine, but it did affect our relationship. They made it clear that they weren't interested in my life, so I stopped trying to tell them so much about my life. We're cordial, but not exactly close. If you want to maintain a close relationship, both sides have to put the effort in.

FloydPepper · 27/02/2023 16:14

A lot of posts on this thread are very much a precursor to future posts asking “why don’t my adult kids want to spend time with me”…

Lamelie · 27/02/2023 16:15

pattihews · 27/02/2023 16:06

No, that's not social capital. Social capital is about networking and meeting people to those who can help you out at a later date: it's about encountering and learning from people whose experience and connections and ideas and way of life can be a positive influence. Social capital is why people pay a fortune to educate their children at private schools where they can make useful connections.

It's not about parents getting up at 6am to drive 200 miles to have a quick lunch with DD's new boyfriend and then taking her back.

Show quote history

Gosh, that’s quite a robust reply.
How do you think people go about “encountering and learning from people whose experience and connections and ideas and way of life can be a positive influence.”?
Bonding, making connections, socialising etc. This trip would facilitate all that.

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/02/2023 16:18

MindPalace · 27/02/2023 10:26

No brainer for me - if my DD valued me enough to want me to meet her bf, I’d be delighted and be excited to meet him, whatever length the drive.

Me too. If we only made an effort once there was a definite commitment we'd miss out on so much.

gogohmm · 27/02/2023 16:19

No I wouldn't, and my DD's use national express or megabus!

aSofaNearYou · 27/02/2023 16:19

WyfOfBathe · 27/02/2023 16:12

When I was at uni, I was always jealous of the students whose parents visited them. Nearly all of my housemates would have their parents come pick them up for the holidays - even if there was no boyfriend to meet! Their parents would meet their new friends, see their new favourite places, and have a nice time together.

My parents expected me to get the train, and never knew much about my uni life. That was fine, but it did affect our relationship. They made it clear that they weren't interested in my life, so I stopped trying to tell them so much about my life. We're cordial, but not exactly close. If you want to maintain a close relationship, both sides have to put the effort in.

This isn't the only way to show interest, though, it isn't all or nothing.

You can talk often, be interested, come and see their uni a couple of times, without coming to get them every time they want to come home. You can not pick them up without it meaning you don't show interest in their lives. Sometimes it's just not the most practical plan.

Fiddledediddledeedee · 27/02/2023 16:20

id go but not stay over
Its nice she wants you to meet him

Louds of posters are going to say” you can’t drive there and back in a day”
We do it, 250miles one way to uni. We both take turns driving.

So I’d do it…….

JillenTavau · 27/02/2023 16:24

@CurlyhairedAssassin we had Ds's housemates comment on us travelling up to collect him for Christmas and that his younger brother had bothered to come with us. It is a 90 minute drive away from us. Plus him and his brother are thick as thieves, face time each other, chat whilst they game together.

Ds was at a gig with 2 friends and we were watching all the trains get cancelled while they were oblivious. Dh set out in the car knowing they wouldn't be able to get home. It was only an hour away but his mates were astounded he would do that and collect them. One commented that his parents wouldn't even give him a lift to the local train station never mind an hour away. Dh loved it because they were all really hyped from the gig, they stopped off to get food, teens never seem full. I think Dh was reliving his uni years too.

OP I think if you wanted to make more of a weekend of it you could. I do think it is a long way but then it is only for 3 years and it isn't every weekend. Anyone who has children at uni knows that there is always a chance you have to clear their room at Christmas and Easter. So you could be doing it anyway.