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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think this trip isn't really worth it?

310 replies

Funkyslippers · 27/02/2023 10:19

DD1 is at uni 200 miles away. She's due back for couple of weeks at Easter. She wants us to travel up with DD2 to meet her new boyfriend then we'd stay the night then drive back with her the next day. OH and I think it's a long journey to just meet her boyfriend for a couple of hours (on a bad day could take up to nearly 6 hours 1 way) plus expensive for us in petrol and accommodation for 3 people especially as she's coming home anyway. She says it would be cheaper for her if we drove as no train fare for her but we'd contribute to her train fare anyway. She reckons it's the only time in quite a while we'd get to meet him as he's working abroad for a few months. They've been together about 2 months but she's besotted. Would like some views please

OP posts:
LaDamaDeElche · 27/02/2023 20:10

Can you afford it? You could make a nice trip of it, like a mini break. I would if it was doable with finances and other commitments, yes.

Weedoormatnomore · 27/02/2023 20:13

Funkyslippers · 27/02/2023 13:04

Thanks for all the replies. Just to say I saw her last Saturday, for a month at Christmas, and October half term so I do see her quite often. This is her first serious boyfriend. It wouldn't normally take 6 hours to get there but it did at October half term, worst case scenario but I'm still getting over the horrendous journey! There won't be another chance to meet him for quite a few months but of course it could have fizzled out by then and I don't even know if he's too bothered about meeting us so early on anyway!

If 6 hrs is worse case how long does it normally take ?

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2023 20:14

So many parents on here seem to be so genuinely grateful that your offspring even bother to give you the time of the day!

I find it odd!!

You raised them, gave them a lot, probably made sacrifices for them - of course they should value you! You don’t have to be grateful/ flattered/willing to do anything they ask, etc!!

CheersForThatEh · 27/02/2023 20:14

If I could afford it I would be there like a shot. Why wouldnt I want to be involved in my childs life?

Put on some tunes, enjoy your husbands company and ideally stay over and make a night of it.

If you cant afford it then it's not really a question.

If you cant then invite him to stay for the weekend before uni starts up or when you pick her up or drop her off again.

Basically I'd do whatever I can to show some enthusiasm!

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 27/02/2023 20:15

ThreeLittleDots · 27/02/2023 11:47

No. She's being an entitled brat and wants a free ride home. Meeting someone she's been seeing for just a few weeks is a red herring.

I would never have introduced someone I was seeing to my parents if I didn't want them to meet them, just for a free ride home. My now husband met my family 3 weeks in. Boyfriends before that would have been ages before meeting. And yes, we met when I was at uni, we've been together nigh on 15 years. She's not being an entitled brat, she's met someone important enough to her to want her mum to know them.

TowerRaven7 · 27/02/2023 20:18

We went one better and traveled over 1K miles because our son wanted us to meet his girlfriend of 6 mos and her Parents! I’d go.

afterdropshock · 27/02/2023 20:20

My mother always says things like this. That I am not worth visiting because I will be making the effort to see her soon anyway. For that reason I think you should go.

CallMeBettyBoop · 27/02/2023 20:23

6 hours for 200 miles?

Are you driving a pony and trap?

As a side note, any time my DD needed me at Uni, I drove the 190+ miles willingly. Likewise for my DS, although thankfully his uni is closer.

Fluff3 · 27/02/2023 20:25

My son is also in uni about a 6 hour drive away. I would be there like a shot if he asked me to come and meet his new gf, I think it is really important to take an interest.

Lovely13 · 27/02/2023 20:37

Definitely go. She’s a very young woman asking her mum and dad to meet someone she thinks maybe important to her. Share the driving, if you both drive, book a cheap travel lodge type place. Might be fun.
If it isn’t, and he doesn’t work out as a boyfriend, it’s just a couple of days of your life. She’ll remember you made the effort.

Lamelie · 27/02/2023 20:39

SkippyKangeroo · 27/02/2023 16:01

Absolutely not, meet him on FaceTime, send her the entire rail fare which would be the same I guess in petrol money.

There's some amazing super parents in this thread , isn't there? nothing too much trouble for their darling little cherubs.

So cynical. I like my children, I like being in their lives and vice versa. They’re all fully fledged and talk to me about their friends and partners. They even know my friends 😮
DH is still awkward around his parents and heaven forbid their friends. It makes life easier over the years as you have the less fun family duties- hospital visit, care homes etc.
Sounds like you’ve been surprised by the suggestion @Funkyslippers if it’s out of your comfort zone and you feel it’s not setting a precedent, go for it.

MsStyles · 27/02/2023 20:53

Of course I’d go. Im a single parent, my dd2 is at uni over 200 miles away and I left late in the evening after my work do at Christmas in the freezing weather to go see her and bring her back 17 hrs later. She hasn’t got a DP yet but when she does I know she would want me to meet him and I can’t wait. I love sharing in what makes her happy. And I miss her so much that spending that time just chatting and singing for hours in the car home makes it worth it. Like someone else said, make a little trip out of it.

Lulu2171 · 27/02/2023 22:10

MindPalace · 27/02/2023 10:26

No brainer for me - if my DD valued me enough to want me to meet her bf, I’d be delighted and be excited to meet him, whatever length the drive.

Yes this!

Trainnerd · 27/02/2023 22:34

TheOrigRights · 27/02/2023 12:59

It was the norm for most parents to collect uni students at the end of the academic year when I was at uni. Very few had cars and so we had to get all our stuff home.

The fact the so many have cars now indicates a level of indulgence I don't recognise.

Show quote history

Why is having a car as a student automatically the result of indulgence? One of my kids had a car at uni as she was often on placements and she bought it herself after working every summer and weekends whilst at school and saving hard.

wellstopdoingitthen · 27/02/2023 22:41

ThreeLittleDots · 27/02/2023 11:47

No. She's being an entitled brat and wants a free ride home. Meeting someone she's been seeing for just a few weeks is a red herring.

Wow! I can't understand this attitude. Perhaps I'm weird but I enjoy spending time with my kids. One is at uni 200 miles away & I go up to fetch him (& his computer so train not an option) for the holidays. I spend a night up there & we have a great time catching up on the journey back. If he wanted me to meet a new girlfriend I'd be chuffed. It is expensive in petrol but I find a cheap air b&b & make it a nice break.

Birdcloud · 27/02/2023 22:55

We saw our four sons through uni, and each one wanted us to visit them to meet girlfriends - always a long way. We wouldn’t have dreamed not to, and it has paid off in lots of ways. Now we’re getting on a bit they regularly travel a distance to see us and help us when needed. Mutual love and respect binds us together.

CelestiaNoctis · 28/02/2023 01:32

I would definitely make it work.

NowAAT · 28/02/2023 08:32

Funkyslippers · 27/02/2023 17:30

HeavenIsAHalfpipe we are extremely close and talk every day. I know an awful lot about her uni life and she values my opinion on lots of stuff when she asks for my opinion. We've already done 2 weekend trips up to see her since she started in Sept so have got to see quite a bit of the city. In my view, getting the train home which takes just under 3 hours, which we'll probably pay most for, is much more straightforward than going there and back by car no matter how wonderful her boyfriend is!

"getting the train home which takes just under 3 hours, which we'll probably pay most for, is much more straightforward than going there and back by car no matter how wonderful her boyfriend is!"

Off course it is. Anyone that's saying otherwise is being unreasonable.

AnnoyedFromSlough · 28/02/2023 08:39

I would. I think it's lovely that she wants you to meet him at this early stage.

But it is a lot of effort and I totally understand why you would prefer not to.

T1Dmama · 28/02/2023 08:58

I was with my first boyfriend for a couple of months before he went away for 6 months…. We were together 4 years!
I’d go up… The relationship might be long term and she might never ask again if you make it ‘difficult’ this time or moan.
She might in future just stay there with him rather than bother to travel home to see family who don’t bother to travel to see her.
My in laws live 300 miles away, longest it’s ever taken us is 5 hours, we generally use the loo before leaving and do the trip without stopping… I should think you could do this trip in 3.5 ~ 4 hours if you’re sensible and avoid rush hours. Leave home at 10am and you’ll be there mid afternoon latest.

vickylou78 · 28/02/2023 10:04

Op could you meet them half way ie. They get the train to somewhere in the middle and you meet for lunch before driving back or something

ReallyTryingTo · 28/02/2023 11:55

I wouldn't go. Does seem a little pointless. Perhaps she just wants a lift back and is using the boyfriend as an excuse. If he's going away for a few months, they may not be together by time he gets back.

CarolineHelston · 28/02/2023 12:11

It's a side issue, but those who say 'I'll do anything for my kids' are the reason why those text message scams are so successful.

KarmaStar · 28/02/2023 12:59

If you can afford it go!😀
Why would you not ? To see them together and make sure he is treating her well,she may be a young adult now but I'd still want to check him out.
Yabu to not go if finances allow.

Biddie191 · 28/02/2023 13:49

It is a long way, and financially and time wise not worth it, but it is something that will really help to make her feel supported, and is showing an interest in her boyfriend. It will also give you the chance to check him out, and see if you feel he's good enough for her 😏- and get to know him. It may be just a short term thing, but could also be a lifelong relationship. Either way, it sounds like she'd really appreciate your support and opinion x