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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think this trip isn't really worth it?

310 replies

Funkyslippers · 27/02/2023 10:19

DD1 is at uni 200 miles away. She's due back for couple of weeks at Easter. She wants us to travel up with DD2 to meet her new boyfriend then we'd stay the night then drive back with her the next day. OH and I think it's a long journey to just meet her boyfriend for a couple of hours (on a bad day could take up to nearly 6 hours 1 way) plus expensive for us in petrol and accommodation for 3 people especially as she's coming home anyway. She says it would be cheaper for her if we drove as no train fare for her but we'd contribute to her train fare anyway. She reckons it's the only time in quite a while we'd get to meet him as he's working abroad for a few months. They've been together about 2 months but she's besotted. Would like some views please

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 27/02/2023 12:11

So you’re reading this as mollycoddling her and making her less independent, whereas many of us who have posted see it as wanting to spend time with a loved family member and share in and experience her life

Of course - DD will be spending Easter with them anyway, and it's hugely inconvenient to make such a trip just to meet someone she's been seeing for a few short weeks, which the OP clearly suspects is a pretext for an easy ride home.

OP: She says it would be cheaper for her if we drove

This seems to be a self-centred young adult looking for an easy ride TBH.

I'm sure they'll all have a lovely Easter in any case.

TennisWithDeborah · 27/02/2023 12:14

I’d go, unless money were an issue. Is DD2 old enough to stay home alone overnight? Although maybe she’d like to come along anyway.

Cornelious2011 · 27/02/2023 12:15

100% I would go. I'd want to know who her boyfriend is and meet him.

EveryoneButSam · 27/02/2023 12:19

Is this journey very cross country on tiny roads or have you exaggerated the 6hr thing because you don't want to go? MIL lives 190 miles away and we regularly go there and back in a day. It's nowhere near 6hr. Think the worst journey we've ever had was 4hr and that was a real one off.

Wheretheskyisblue · 27/02/2023 12:24

Instead could you invite her BF down by train with your daughter for a couple of nights when she comes at Easter? That way you show your support for your daughter without the long car ride. You also get to gauge how serious the relationship is by whether they accept or not.

CarPoor · 27/02/2023 12:31

200 miles is not a 6hr trip. I live 200 miles away from my parents and it's 3 - 3 1/2 hrs. I've been doing 10+ yrs and I think it's taken 6hrs one time. Come off it. Unless you live in the depths of Cornwall or the Highlands it's not 6+hrs. And if you do then it's probably easier to collect her anyway given the lack of trains

Personally I feel like at uni I did that journey quite regularly to see my parents. Now I do 200 miles there and back for a weekend all the time. I think this is a normal distance to travel for family.

How many times have you been to see her? Perhaps you could tie in meeting the boyfriend with next time you go down for the weekend?

Motherhubbardscupboard · 27/02/2023 12:31

Going to pick up your child from university seems like a really normal thing to do to me, I can't see why it makes someone an entitled brat, so glad I don't have that relationship with my student children! And why not meet the boyfriend at the same time, meeting him on facetime would be incredibly awkward. However two months isn't very long so I don't think you'd be totally unreasonable to say you'll meet him next time as you'd already planned for her to come home by train this term.

Poscapen · 27/02/2023 12:32

VariationsonaTheme · 27/02/2023 11:54

I drive 200 miles and back in the same day quite regularly for my ds, I wouldn’t even question it. Only once has it taken six hours and that’s because I was in the trapped traffic on a motorway closure. She wants you to be involved, and combining it with bringing her home for Easter seems quite sensible.

That hardly compares to Op with a 6 hour one way trip does it? Imagine how long their journey will take if they get stuck in traffic.
Plus Op would be paying for accommodation for 3...

ThreeLittleDots · 27/02/2023 12:33

Do do indeed have trains in the depths of Cornwall, no worries there 😂

Poscapen · 27/02/2023 12:33

Actually... I wish MN had an edit/delete function. I missed it being a 200 mile trip. That's nothing! Get up a bit early, meet boyfriend for lunch and drive back.

ThreeLittleDots · 27/02/2023 12:34

*we do

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2023 12:35

It’s a lot of time sitting on your bum in a car!

For the sake of a couple of hours.

I personally wouldn’t have asked my parents to do this when I was at uni- I wouldn’t have wanted to put them out.

FaceTime?

newwings · 27/02/2023 12:37

Not really fair on DD2 to traipse to see a 2 month boyfriend is it. Send her the train fare and if he is into her as much as she is him he then he can make the effort too?

NowAAT · 27/02/2023 12:38

GuidingSpirit · 27/02/2023 12:11

I'd suggest that you'll come on the train, meet him, stay overnight and then all get the train back together. See if that makes a difference to her suggestion?

She'd probably say, never mind then.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/02/2023 12:40

However two months isn't very long so I don't think you'd be totally unreasonable to say you'll meet him next time as you'd already planned for her to come home by train this term.

everybody’s different but the only relationship I ever had that was over 2 months long is with DH and we’ve been together 25 years. Prior to meeting him I didn’t have proper boyfriends really as I just didn’t want the commitment or meet anyone special enough to see for more than a few dates. Mum still says she knew DH was “the one” when I officially referred to him as my boyfriend and was still with him at the 2 months mark!

so for me, a request like OP’s DD would have meant it was very important to me indeed.

DraconianDen · 27/02/2023 12:41

I did a year abroad (mainland Europe) as part of my degree and my parents drove me there to drop me off and drove to pick me up at the end of the year (roughly a 1000 mile round trip!!!). I will never forget what a lovely gesture it was. My dad also dropped me off and picked me up for every term at my UK university and I have very fond memories of our chats on the motorway during the 100 mile journey! I always felt very lucky that my parents did that for me when many of my peers had to drag all their stuff there and back on the train. If you can afford it, please go!!

lazycats · 27/02/2023 12:41

2 months is really early to make such a long trip to meet the new boyfriend. Is your DD quite, shall we say, impulsive?

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2023 12:42

NowAAT · 27/02/2023 12:38

She'd probably say, never mind then.

Show quote history

@NowAAT

thats up to her 🤷‍♀️

Basecampzero · 27/02/2023 12:44

PurpleSproutingSomething · 27/02/2023 12:08

My dad is 77 and drives a 400 mile round trip to see me and DS about 4 times a year and does it in a day.

We sometimes meet in the middle too and then the rest of the time I go up there but definitely stay.

This makes me cry a bit. My parents lived a twenty minute drive away when I bought my first flat and came round about twice in the five years I lived there.

He sounds absolutely lovely and I'm sure you cherish him.

Op if it's at all possible I'd go for a few days and make a trip of it. Sometimes the times when you put yourself out for your children make all the difference in the world and stay in the memory.

WoeBeCome · 27/02/2023 12:45

Lamelie · 27/02/2023 10:21

If you can afford the cost and time, go for it. Kids at uni get a lot of social capital from having involved families.
It’s lovely that she wants you to meet him.

What do you mean by this?

littlemousebigcheese · 27/02/2023 12:50

It's coming up to our 17 year anniversary of the man I met at uni so I say go!

ItchyBillco · 27/02/2023 12:54

There’s some mega indulgent parents on this thread. I was admittedly the youngest of four, but this level of indulgence form parents is not something I recognise 😆

Aprilx · 27/02/2023 12:57

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 27/02/2023 11:31

200 miles 'could' take 6 hours? Are you coming from a tiny island in the Highlands or expecting snow or something?

Thinking back to when I was at uni 200 miles away, my mum would have probably done this. I'm not sure I would, now that video calls exist.

When I lived in SW London and travelled to Manchester, it was about 200 miles but it absolutely could take 6 hours because of getting around London. It might be a worst case scenario, but very easily possible.

TheOrigRights · 27/02/2023 12:57

200 miles - yes. I have done that in order collect my son from uni when he had a gap in accommodation and needed all his stuff brought home. I thought this was common.
It never took 6 hours though, are you going by horse and trap, or do you have an electric car and are at the mercy of there being charge points on the motorway?

I've done longer trips in a day, an overnight would be quite nice, especially if my son was keen for me to meet a new partner.

But if you can't afford it then that's the end of the matter, isn't it - since it's not essential you collect her.

MasterBeth · 27/02/2023 12:57

ItchyBillco · 27/02/2023 12:54

There’s some mega indulgent parents on this thread. I was admittedly the youngest of four, but this level of indulgence form parents is not something I recognise 😆

Indulgent = kind/generous/loving

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