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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think this trip isn't really worth it?

310 replies

Funkyslippers · 27/02/2023 10:19

DD1 is at uni 200 miles away. She's due back for couple of weeks at Easter. She wants us to travel up with DD2 to meet her new boyfriend then we'd stay the night then drive back with her the next day. OH and I think it's a long journey to just meet her boyfriend for a couple of hours (on a bad day could take up to nearly 6 hours 1 way) plus expensive for us in petrol and accommodation for 3 people especially as she's coming home anyway. She says it would be cheaper for her if we drove as no train fare for her but we'd contribute to her train fare anyway. She reckons it's the only time in quite a while we'd get to meet him as he's working abroad for a few months. They've been together about 2 months but she's besotted. Would like some views please

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 27/02/2023 13:32

I wouldn't, seems a daft plan.

But then I don't really go in for the "I would because I'm really desperate for them to want anything to do with me" mentality that is standard on MN because my relationship with my parents wasn't like that at all when I was that age. If you have a strong relationship with her, I'd just chip in for her train, it's nonsensical for three adults to travel for up to 12 hours just for this.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2023 13:36

Lamelie · 27/02/2023 13:30

I was waiting for someone to pick me up on this!
We’re social animals. Students are in a new and strange environment and they bond and connect with each other, amongst other things, their families. So x’s parent took us out for a meal, y’s uncle gave us the Netflix password, c’s sister has an eating disorder so we don’t have scales in the house, b’s brother is an extra in a film and has got us tickets to a Q&A.

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@Lamelie

bollocks

I didn’t know the families of my uni pals and they didn’t know mine

certainly no being taken out for meals by each other’s parents

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2023 13:37

aSofaNearYou · 27/02/2023 13:32

I wouldn't, seems a daft plan.

But then I don't really go in for the "I would because I'm really desperate for them to want anything to do with me" mentality that is standard on MN because my relationship with my parents wasn't like that at all when I was that age. If you have a strong relationship with her, I'd just chip in for her train, it's nonsensical for three adults to travel for up to 12 hours just for this.

This!!

all you people would go “because she wants me to”

so you do EVERYTHING your offspring want you to do??

WoeBeCome · 27/02/2023 13:39

Lamelie · 27/02/2023 13:30

I was waiting for someone to pick me up on this!
We’re social animals. Students are in a new and strange environment and they bond and connect with each other, amongst other things, their families. So x’s parent took us out for a meal, y’s uncle gave us the Netflix password, c’s sister has an eating disorder so we don’t have scales in the house, b’s brother is an extra in a film and has got us tickets to a Q&A.

Show quote history

Yes, I see what you mean. Although that wasn’t what I experienced particularly which is why I queried what you meant. A lot of students didn’t want their families to have anything to do with them.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 27/02/2023 13:40

As you see her regularly, I wouldn’t go up just to meet a new boyfriend at this stage. Will she also expect a lift back to uni after Easter?

lazycats · 27/02/2023 13:41

I don't even know if he's too bothered about meeting us so early on anyway

This is pretty pertinent. Sounds like she's rushing it a bit.

TinySaltLick · 27/02/2023 13:41

I would go, struggling to think of something more important than meeting my child's partner?

UdoU · 27/02/2023 13:42

TinySaltLick · 27/02/2023 13:41

I would go, struggling to think of something more important than meeting my child's partner?

Since when did a boyfriend of 2 months become a partner?

lazycats · 27/02/2023 13:42

TinySaltLick · 27/02/2023 13:41

I would go, struggling to think of something more important than meeting my child's partner?

A partner she's been with for 8 weeks at uni. Give me a break.

UdoU · 27/02/2023 13:43

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 27/02/2023 11:58

So what if she does just want a lift home? Did your kids cease to exist when they went to university or did you just stop giving a shit about them?

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Much more efficient for her to get a train home, rather than 3 other people getting in the car to drive a 12 hour round trip to bring her home.

XanaduKira · 27/02/2023 13:44

MindPalace · 27/02/2023 10:26

No brainer for me - if my DD valued me enough to want me to meet her bf, I’d be delighted and be excited to meet him, whatever length the drive.

Me too! But then I've horrible visions of my (lovely!) DSs going off to uni and never looking back! This might be because it's what I did, even though I had a lovely family, but once I left, that was it! Never to return!

MasterBeth · 27/02/2023 13:45

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2023 13:37

This!!

all you people would go “because she wants me to”

so you do EVERYTHING your offspring want you to do??

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Obviously not.

Just nice things like going away for weekend to see my children.

(I also don't understand the allergic reaction some people have on Mumsnet to travel. "Up to 12 hours" is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. A 200-mile car journey (London-Leeds, say) is hardly a great ordeal to do one way on one day and another way on the next.)

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2023 13:47

TinySaltLick · 27/02/2023 13:41

I would go, struggling to think of something more important than meeting my child's partner?

@TinySaltLick

come off it
she’s been dating him for two months - he isn’t her partner!!

Mrsbclinton · 27/02/2023 13:50

If it was my DD I would, because she is involving you in her life. She may not go the distance with the boyfriend but its a big deal in her life & she wants to share it with you.

It shows you care and are interested in her life.

LightDrizzle · 27/02/2023 13:53

MindPalace · 27/02/2023 10:26

No brainer for me - if my DD valued me enough to want me to meet her bf, I’d be delighted and be excited to meet him, whatever length the drive.

This for me too! 100%

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/02/2023 13:53

aSofaNearYou · 27/02/2023 13:32

I wouldn't, seems a daft plan.

But then I don't really go in for the "I would because I'm really desperate for them to want anything to do with me" mentality that is standard on MN because my relationship with my parents wasn't like that at all when I was that age. If you have a strong relationship with her, I'd just chip in for her train, it's nonsensical for three adults to travel for up to 12 hours just for this.

It’s sad that you view it that way. I would because I'm really desperate for them to want anything to do with me" mentality

I think a lot of us on there would do it out of mutual enjoyment of each other’s company. Enjoyment. Which is mutual. Not desperation and clinginess. 😆

I’m sorry for the people who don’t seem to have close and loving relationships with their family members, whether with their own parents or with their children.

lazycats · 27/02/2023 13:58

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/02/2023 13:53

It’s sad that you view it that way. I would because I'm really desperate for them to want anything to do with me" mentality

I think a lot of us on there would do it out of mutual enjoyment of each other’s company. Enjoyment. Which is mutual. Not desperation and clinginess. 😆

I’m sorry for the people who don’t seem to have close and loving relationships with their family members, whether with their own parents or with their children.

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That's great, except by definiton the OP doesn't feel the same way as she's made this thread.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/02/2023 13:58

XanaduKira · 27/02/2023 13:44

Me too! But then I've horrible visions of my (lovely!) DSs going off to uni and never looking back! This might be because it's what I did, even though I had a lovely family, but once I left, that was it! Never to return!

Show quote history

What, you never visited your parent’s home again after uni??

no-one is daft enough to expect their student child to move back home after uni whatever the circumstances. If they’ve got a job elsewhere or a gf or bf they want to be with then of course they might want to live elsewhere. But if you build strong bonds while they’re at uni by visiting and taking an interest then you’re maintaining the long distance relationship, and they shouldn’t change once they’ve finished uni if they haven’t been able to/wanted to move back home.

drpet49 · 27/02/2023 13:59

UdoU · 27/02/2023 10:35

She wants you to drive a 12 hour round trip for the pleasure of meeting boyf for 2 hours. Fuck that. I agree with pp, she wants a lift home.

This

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 27/02/2023 13:59

I would absolutely go. I'd be pleased and flattered that she wanted us to meet him, that he wanted to meet us and that she wanted our company for the journey home.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 27/02/2023 14:00

I’m assuming that your DD is in her first year at uni because she sounds rather immature. It’s fairly selfish of her to expect her family to drive for 200 miles and pay to stay overnight so that she can get a lift instead of the train.

Personally, I’d save this overnight trip for the (very likely) time when this first relationship ends and she’s heartbroken. I know I’ll be told off by all the people who married their first boyfriend for saying that!

Toffeeappler · 27/02/2023 14:20

I would, because I always want my kids to know I’m there for them and excited to be part of their lives, but I’d extend it for an additional night and make a weekend of it.

GloomyDarkness · 27/02/2023 14:21

Twizbe · 27/02/2023 10:22

I prob would, but then I'm married to the boyfriend I met in my first year at uni 20 years ago....

I am as well.

I'd probably consider if there was a way to do this - make it a weekend away of something - just because my child ask me to and wants me to be part of or know that part of her life.

Moveoverdarlin · 27/02/2023 14:21

Sounds like she’s proud of you and proud of him. I’d go. I couldn’t think of anything worse than introducing my parents to my current squeeze at that age, it’s nice she wants you to go.

Everyonesinvited · 27/02/2023 14:23

ThreeLittleDots · 27/02/2023 11:47

No. She's being an entitled brat and wants a free ride home. Meeting someone she's been seeing for just a few weeks is a red herring.

It's really sad that you think you know this. How mean spirited. She may assume her parents adore her and will want to do this and meet him. Nothing spoilt about it if it's done out of love.