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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think this trip isn't really worth it?

310 replies

Funkyslippers · 27/02/2023 10:19

DD1 is at uni 200 miles away. She's due back for couple of weeks at Easter. She wants us to travel up with DD2 to meet her new boyfriend then we'd stay the night then drive back with her the next day. OH and I think it's a long journey to just meet her boyfriend for a couple of hours (on a bad day could take up to nearly 6 hours 1 way) plus expensive for us in petrol and accommodation for 3 people especially as she's coming home anyway. She says it would be cheaper for her if we drove as no train fare for her but we'd contribute to her train fare anyway. She reckons it's the only time in quite a while we'd get to meet him as he's working abroad for a few months. They've been together about 2 months but she's besotted. Would like some views please

OP posts:

Quitelikeit · 27/02/2023 11:49

Can you not offer to pay for their train or flights? Quite frankly I’d pay to avoid that length of time in the car on the motorway……

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/02/2023 11:51

ThreeLittleDots · 27/02/2023 11:47

No. She's being an entitled brat and wants a free ride home. Meeting someone she's been seeing for just a few weeks is a red herring.

Wow. What a loving attitude you have.

JenniferBarkley · 27/02/2023 11:51

ThreeLittleDots · 27/02/2023 11:47

No. She's being an entitled brat and wants a free ride home. Meeting someone she's been seeing for just a few weeks is a red herring.

Fucking hell. I often wonder at the relationships between adult DC and parents/grandparents that I read on here, but no wonder if people think like this.

VariationsonaTheme · 27/02/2023 11:54

I drive 200 miles and back in the same day quite regularly for my ds, I wouldn’t even question it. Only once has it taken six hours and that’s because I was in the trapped traffic on a motorway closure. She wants you to be involved, and combining it with bringing her home for Easter seems quite sensible.

Looksgood · 27/02/2023 11:55

Surely you know your daughter well enough to know whether she's being an "entitled brat" looking for a lift or whether she wants to show her family off to her boyfriend and vice versa? Really unless she has form for being exploitative around lifts or unless it's a huge struggle financially, I'd go.

I love seeing students showing their families around their halls and universities - they are often very proud of "this room where I gave that presentation" or "this meal we cook together in halls". Families are usually interested and pleased. I would try to manage the visit, OP. She's proud though of you and her family to want you to meet the boyfriend. That's a good starting point.

beachcitygirl · 27/02/2023 11:55

ThreeLittleDots · 27/02/2023 11:47

No. She's being an entitled brat and wants a free ride home. Meeting someone she's been seeing for just a few weeks is a red herring.

This is one of the worst posts I've ever seen on here - depressing tbh.

GoodChat · 27/02/2023 11:57

Quitelikeit · 27/02/2023 11:49

Can you not offer to pay for their train or flights? Quite frankly I’d pay to avoid that length of time in the car on the motorway……

Surely forcing her to travel 200 miles each way and allow him to stay overnight would be more of an issue? What if they fall out or you don't like him and he's stuck?

Singularity82 · 27/02/2023 11:57

Wow. Entitled brat is harsh!!
I’ve driven from the north east to Surrey and back in a day for my kid-she had an interview that logistically would have been a nightmare to attend without a lift there and back. It was a necessary and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
I wouldn’t drive six hours just to meet a (very!) new boyfriend and drive her home, no. It’s silly, impractical and to be honest she wouldn’t ask me to.

raguragu · 27/02/2023 11:58

When i was at uni, i mostly took the train home but it was amazing when parents would make thay cross country drive to get me

Packing up and carrying all your belongings and and taking on a train is miserable. Uni holidays are usually quite long; 2-3 weeks so it's not like a weekend trip

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/02/2023 11:58

Someone was telling me the other day how their son’ Uni housemates are all astounded at the relationship he has with his family. How close they are. Eg travelling down when he had to go to hospital etc. and when he wasn’t well, his mum sent a fruit parcel down and a note to cheer him up. The housemates laugh at that like of thing. They are all boarding school kids and just don’t have that kind of relationship with their own families. I was shocked that when one of them had appendicitis he took himself to hospital in a taxi, had his operation and went out on his own again afterwards. Apparently the parents had considered it not necessary for them to travel to be with him. And the boy didn’t bat an eyelid at their attitude either as he’d basically brought himself up at boarding school anyway so didn’t have much input from parents anyway so doesn’t know any different. None of the housemates can understand wanting to do a nice thing for your family member. It’s so bizarre.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 27/02/2023 11:58

UdoU · 27/02/2023 10:35

She wants you to drive a 12 hour round trip for the pleasure of meeting boyf for 2 hours. Fuck that. I agree with pp, she wants a lift home.

So what if she does just want a lift home? Did your kids cease to exist when they went to university or did you just stop giving a shit about them?

mewkins · 27/02/2023 11:59

When I was at uni (decades ago) and more than 400 miles away, my mum and aunt would come up whenever invited. My dad, bless him, did the 16 hour round trip to help me bring stuff back. It is really nice to feel cared for. I will do the same for my kids when the time comes.

stayathomer · 27/02/2023 12:00

No brainer for me - if my DD valued me enough to want me to meet her bf, I’d be delighted and be excited to meet him, whatever length the drive.
Totally this (even depending on your money situation as some things are worth it!)

CloudPop · 27/02/2023 12:00

MindPalace · 27/02/2023 10:26

No brainer for me - if my DD valued me enough to want me to meet her bf, I’d be delighted and be excited to meet him, whatever length the drive.

I agree with you.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 27/02/2023 12:01

Dd2 wants you to drive 200 miles to collect her - I'm assuming you drive more than that (over the course of a term) with Dd2, ferrying about to hobbies, clubs, friends etc??

Yeah it's long way but it's Ila one off. Can't you make a bit of a thing of it and stay a couple of nights somewhere if you're that bothered about it.

ThreeLittleDots · 27/02/2023 12:01

At some point adults need to stand on their own two feet though, don't they? OP obviously feels she's being taken advantage of.

MrsRinaDecker · 27/02/2023 12:03

Another one saying I’d go if at all possible. Fine if you genuinely can’t afford it, but I’m quite surprised at some of the replies.

mast0650 · 27/02/2023 12:05

I probably wouldn't drive three people up and down 6 hours each way for one night away, no. I'd look for alternatives.

When is boyfriend actually going away? Couldn't she bring him home at the very start of the holidays just before he leaves?

If it's a nice area to visit and you've got the time then consider a longer weekend away?

Or compare cost of paying for them to come visit you by train for the weekend and saving the cost of the accommodation?

If none of these alternatives were viable at all and he is going to be away abroad for a while then I'd consider it.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/02/2023 12:06

ThreeLittleDots · 27/02/2023 12:01

At some point adults need to stand on their own two feet though, don't they? OP obviously feels she's being taken advantage of.

So you’re reading this as mollycoddling her and making her less independent?

whereas many of us who have posted see it as wanting to spend time with a loved family member and share in and experience her life?

fascinating how different people view the same situation.

mast0650 · 27/02/2023 12:07

I also agree with the others who question whether the trip is really likely to take 6 hours if you can avoid driving at busy times. 4 hours would be a much more reasonable trip.

PurpleSproutingSomething · 27/02/2023 12:08

My dad is 77 and drives a 400 mile round trip to see me and DS about 4 times a year and does it in a day.

We sometimes meet in the middle too and then the rest of the time I go up there but definitely stay.

JenniferBarkley · 27/02/2023 12:09

ThreeLittleDots · 27/02/2023 12:01

At some point adults need to stand on their own two feet though, don't they? OP obviously feels she's being taken advantage of.

Yes... But this is the point at which the relationship is reset a little between parents and children as the children become adults. If OP wants a close relationship in future, and to be close to any DGC when the time comes, then the foundations are built now IMO and IME.

LillianGish · 27/02/2023 12:09

Of course you should go! I try to be as hands-off as possible with my two as I don't want to be accused of cramping their style, but I'd never turn an invitation. If it's really such a long journey I'd probably stay a couple of nights and make a proper trip of it.

mast0650 · 27/02/2023 12:11

Oh hang on, I misread this. I thought she wanted you to visit now and then she would be coming home later anyway! But you're talking about a time when she is coming home at the end of term. In that case it is crazy for the three of you go to up there and bring her back if there is a decent train service and she's not got to clear out her entire room. In that case I'd definitely encourage them both to come down to you instead, paying for her train fare.

GuidingSpirit · 27/02/2023 12:11

I'd suggest that you'll come on the train, meet him, stay overnight and then all get the train back together. See if that makes a difference to her suggestion?

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