How do you not get offended by school cliques?

[Purpleicing]

Could do with some advice to stop my confidence being more battered

4 years into school - son now year 3 - a once friendly group of mums in the class has developed into "the trendy confident ones" and "the rest of us"

The trendy ones not only invite each others children to the parties (at the exclusion of the children of the poor, the fat, the old, or the anxious), but have spend weekends on a 3 day partying spree - this weekend a bottomless brunch at a restaurant, one house party, and one day out at theme park with kids, all over social media

This in itself is just normal life I know, but what has riled me is that it doesn't stop them using the less trendy ones who don't get invited to play.

Specifically, we have a park holiday home which I have let a few people use for nothing or v little in past when everyone was more friendly across the whole class (think £20 for a long weekend) . Whole set of them asking to use it this summer already.

Other mums outside the clique I know do their fair share of help with after school pick ups and childcare

I'm also in an "approved profession" job and three times this week people have asked me for either legal advice or can you approve the passports (on my fifth lot of passport approval or 'can you sign my mortgage application' this month!)

My confidence is already battered, aibu to think jog on and find someone else to sign your bloody passports?

I’d tell them to do one but I can be quite bitter. It amazes me how mean some mums can be on the playground. I found that I didn’t want to waste my time on those kind of friendships. They look like hard work, would you be friends with them if you met them elsewhere. If the answers no I’d leave them to it and I’d probably be loathe to help them out.

If you don’t want to do them favours, that’s fine.

But I’d be interested to know how you define ‘clique’ vs ‘group of friends’. Other than have fun together I’m not sure what they’ve done to offend you?

This.

I think the key to the whole "school mum" thing is to hold it all lightly, and don't let it define your self worth.

I wouldn't let people who aren't close friends use the holiday home - and clearly these people aren't your friends. I don't think there's any way to say no to the passport thing without seeming (and being) petty because it's such a very tiny favour.

Like a pp I don't see what these women have actually done wrong - gone away as a group of friends and posted some social media photos?

Heres how to deal with the school run.

Acknowledge anyone that says morning to you. Say morning to others. Arrive with enough time that you aren’t rushing and but not long enough to have to stand their for ages.

No need to get so involved with each other.

They haven't done anything?

I never tried to make friends on the playground. I did meet some nice people but would not really have known whether there were cliques/groups.

I think the way to avoid being bitter is to do something you like and focus on that.

If you have a holiday home you are very fortunate, go away and have a great time with your kids.

I don't get offended because I don't care. Somebody doesn't want to be friends with me, so bloody what? Not everyone in life is going to be your mate, that's life. Just because your kids attend the same school doesn't mean you're going to be bosom buddies with everyone.

Don't let them use the holiday home or sign the passports, you don't have to do anything for them if you don't want to.

Whole set of them asking to use it this summer already "Really sorry, I've promised it to a relative this year"

You're giving them too much thought. They're closer friends as they probably have more in common with each other than you. Fine. Just be civil. You don't have to be mates with everyone. You don't have to do everyone favours. Either only let close friends use your holiday home or charge them the going rate. Similarly legal advice.

When you say 'other do their fair share of childcare etc' what does this mean, in exchange for the holiday home or in exchange for you helping them? Just only help those where it's reciprocal or where you want to help/ it's an emergency and you can. They don't owe you anything. Operate on your terms, expect less.

I'd say no to the favours and withdraw use of the park home, there is no obligation for you to provide these things.

I don't miss the school run at all! I had parents I was friendly with but I wasn't interested in making actual friends. Actually in yr 3 they jigged all our classes around and my DD made great friends with an established fairly large friendship group who had previously been on another class together. The kids were (still are!) lovely but the parents had formed this really weird "friendship" on the basis their kids were friends, it was weird and bitchy and so full of stupid politics. They were very offended when I politely declined to join them!

Do women ever grow out of this attitude? "Oh, The cool girls clique, i'm not part of it, but desperately wanr to be, so I will run errands and do favours for them and I might be let in..."
And you are a lawyer!! What message are you sending to your children? You can be as sucessful as you like, but if you aren't in the trendy gang your life isxworthless...
It's soo sad

What makes them a clique Vs a group of friends?

I don't understand what's actually wrong with a group of mums socialising together beyond the school gates. It's fairly common to have a group of friends who are closer and wider friendship circles/acquaintances/people you like but don't necessarily have lots in common with.

Stop letting everyone use the holiday home and stop worrying about whether social media tells you some mums socialised together.

They haven’t really done anything. It’s a group that have formed a friendship.

The rest just doesn’t really matter. You must have offered your holiday home up. I have a static caravan and never offered it up and no one ever asked me for it on the cheap.

But then asking for an offer you have previously given doesn’t also make you a close friend.

I also dont know what a ‘fair share’ of pick ups and childcare is among parents at the school gates is. Is this a regular thing, most of you provide childcare for each other? Again, that’s a choice and it doesn’t mean that anyone automatically becomes a close friend.

I think that there seems to be blurred lines and a lot of over involvement with eachother and it’s causing you these feelings. The fact that they are friends is no reflection on you. You need to deal with the feelings of feeling less than, because other people form friendships.

It’s really ok for them to have a closer friendship group.

I think you lack of confidence and assertiveness rather than they are troublesome.
So, you are not happy letting your holiday home for a small fee, so refuse or charge them as per market fees. I do not understand why you were letting it so cheap previously?
They ask too many proffessional favours? Give them your business card as a response and ask them to make an appointment. The solicitor charged me around £5 per passport and documentation she signed for me. Just a nominal fee, but on a routine normal appointment, not on her time off.
Be yourself, saying no is not a sin. You will get respect and more real friends being yourself. Age opens your eyes to this one.

I just think I am adult and don't need school dramas but I also take people as I find them and don't come up with secret soap operas about what is going on or not

Exactly. These people don’t appear to have done anything wrong apart from be friends with one another and not with you. You’re the person who is giving them power, and deciding that it’s a ‘cool, popular’ versus ‘fat, old and/or poor’ thing. Absolutely don’t lend anyone your caravan if you don’t want to, but reframe the situation to remove the high-emotion power aura you’re giving it. People can be friends with whoever they like.

I'm not offended by friendship groups. Nobody should be expected to be friends with everyone.

There are groups of friends where I work. Some go drinking after work, I meet others for coffee. I'd always be pleasant but not expect to be invited out drinking because we are not friends as such.

Same outside school. Some people I had more in common with than others and they became friends. I see no reason why we should have invited everyone over just because they were in the same class.

I don't get offended by school cliques because I don't want to be friends with any of them. There are a few people I say hi to and might have a quck chat with occasionally but I just want to collect DD and go. Tell them "Sorry that doesn't work me for/no it's not available" or just ignore when they ask to use your house and don't give them free advice either. Just stop doing it.

For the holiday home, I’d just reply that too many people have asked to use it, that you just can’t let it out like that any more.
As for this group of women, try not to worry so much about what they are doing. Why does it affect you so much not to be in their group? They obviously all get along. But if you really feel their criteria is so superficial, then there are surely nicer people you can befriend.

But it's only you deciding they are the 'trendy popular ones'. Are there no other groups? Why aren't you interested in why the old fat people aren't friends with you or have a group? You're just as bad by only being interested in the ones you deem as trendy. If you gave the others a chance you might find you have more in common Nd make some great friends. But you wouldn't be one of the cool kids.

Other people are allowed to form friendship groups and socialise without inviting the whole playground. One person's group of friends is a clique to anyone not in it it seems.

They can ask for the favour, you can either do it without complaining or tell them no.

Don't let it rule your life, this is your kid's school not yours. You don't have to be friends with anyone. There will be plenty of parents you've never even met who can't do the school run because of work hours etc. you're lucky you can. Maybe step away from engaging.

I'm the fat old one in the playground. I don't care. That said, my kid moved school and it's bliss as I don't know a soul and that's how I like it.

The trouble is that from the outside, a lack of confidence can read as ‘I don’t want to be friends with you’.
If you can work on your confidence you will be happier in life and will see this situation for what it is.

I do think these groups of friendships between mums has a knock on affect between the children in the class. They are more confident because they spend more time with the other children so it makes mums anxious, I get it. There isn't much you can do about it though.

Men to be honest are much more professional around the school run. It is a school for their children, not a potential hook up place to make friends off the back of their child.

I just don't get involved I honed this skill in high school. I keep interaction friendly and light. I'd hate to go on holiday with that many people.
They are just a group of friends going away really, don't sweat it.