How do you not get offended by school cliques?

[Purpleicing]

Could do with some advice to stop my confidence being more battered

4 years into school - son now year 3 - a once friendly group of mums in the class has developed into "the trendy confident ones" and "the rest of us"

The trendy ones not only invite each others children to the parties (at the exclusion of the children of the poor, the fat, the old, or the anxious), but have spend weekends on a 3 day partying spree - this weekend a bottomless brunch at a restaurant, one house party, and one day out at theme park with kids, all over social media

This in itself is just normal life I know, but what has riled me is that it doesn't stop them using the less trendy ones who don't get invited to play.

Specifically, we have a park holiday home which I have let a few people use for nothing or v little in past when everyone was more friendly across the whole class (think £20 for a long weekend) . Whole set of them asking to use it this summer already.

Other mums outside the clique I know do their fair share of help with after school pick ups and childcare

I'm also in an "approved profession" job and three times this week people have asked me for either legal advice or can you approve the passports (on my fifth lot of passport approval or 'can you sign my mortgage application' this month!)

My confidence is already battered, aibu to think jog on and find someone else to sign your bloody passports?

Sounds like they have just become each others main friends. Maybe they didn’t grow up in the local area and don’t have lifelong friends there already. Maybe they gradually got to have more in common with these people as they were at similar life stages. They have made the effort with each other and are now firm friends. Doesn’t sound like they are actually nasty to anyone. If you want to be friends with them make the effort. If you don’t then don’t. Nothing wrong with just being an acquaintance.

And I don't really see what's wrong about asking about your holiday home. They have used it before, you have kids in the same class, you are acquaintances. Equally fine for you to say no because you feel excluded from their friendship group.

When I see groups of them who are friends outside of the school run with photos on Facebook of bottomless brunch etc I think “I’m glad they didn’t invite me as I wouldn’t enjoy that and I’d have to make up an excuse not to go”.

Same! I'm happy to see others having a good time but I'm also thrilled to not be invited.

Honestly at DS' nursery there are a small group of mums who socialise together, but none of them work or if they do it's very part time, so when I'm dashing in and out for drop off/pick up I don't have ten fifteen minutes to chat, I can't go for a coffee or Pilates after , I've got to get to work. I have friends and don't need mum friends who I'm only connected to by proximity. It's an very instagrammable 'making memories' but that's not very me so I probably wouldn't fit with that group anyway.
It doesn't really bother me to be honest.
Holiday home, charge full price, if queried, oh with everything going up and the demand we can't really justify not charging anymore I'm sure you understand.
I do a lot of passports, I don't mind now it's online as long as I've actually known them long enough, if not I just say no.

You can't expect every mum in the class to be equally friendly with every other mum, and to do an equal amount of babysitting for each. Just as among the children in the cost, there are different friendship groups.

You've taken against this group because you see them as cool, that's all. Keep your favours to your own friends and stop following these people on SM. You can't expect them to invite every class mum on a weekend away for goodness' sake.

Sounds like Morherland!

I don't really have any advice I'm afraid because my children are pre schoolers at present. However, my son is starting school this September and parent cliques do worry me somewhat. I'm a primary school teacher so I see this go on from the other side. Also, my son has SEN and his behaviour can be very challenging so I'm not sure how this will go down yet.

Ideally, I'd just love to find like minded, non judgemental, friendly parents when he starts school but we'll see.

But you're not being unreasonable. It is annoying and I hope you find nicer parents.

This is a problem in your own head. Most people don't get upset about this stuff because we genuinely don't notice it, or care.
I drop off my kids at school and say hi to whoever I happen to see. Then I get on with my day. Socially, I see the small group of school mums I'm friends with occasionally, but I don't trawl other people's social media to see what they're up to - so I wouldn't know if others were going for brunches, and it wouldn't bother me if they were.
I also would have no idea if other people had what you refer to as a "clique" or if I'm the "clique" ...as most adults don't think that way.

You are really overinvested in these women. Don't let them use your holiday house if you don't want to, but thinking of it as some weird reciprocal thing where childcare and brunches and holidays are all part of a big web of people "owing" each other is just strange.
Assert your boundaries. Say no to things you don't want to do. Stop looking at their social media and making up crazy narratives about who isn't invited out and why - indeed, why are you even friends with them on fb/insta anyway?

In short - other people don't get upset by this because we don't care. I'm sorry if that sounds blunt.

I had it in my head that we would make friends at the school gates, we aren't local. However, it's not worked out as I work FT in a demanding job and whilst I do the school run, say hello and make polite chit chat / engage in some WhatsApp chat in private groups, it's not a big social clique. The advantages are that kids friendships change and the drama within cliques is insane.

People go away camping at our school and I don't want any of it, their kids don't get along with the other kids in the clique. Can you imagine going away for a weekend with someone who bullies you? No thanks.

i've also had chats before with Mums saying "X said Y to Z, should I mention it to the Mum"

No no no no NOOOOOOO. If it's serious, school will mention it / you mention to school.

Keep your friends separate from your kids.

Also at some point the DCs will want to choose their own friends, regardless of who their DM is pals with, so just back off gently and don't break any bridges.

Get off social media. It doesn’t make people happy.

Like pp said don't sign things anymore and let the rest go.
I'm not in the cliques and I give zero fucks.Im 42 and there to pick ds up.

Genuinely, you will be so much happier if you just let them go. They're not your friends. I wouldn't mind small favours such as passport but defo don't give them your holiday home to use. Save that for real friends.
Go to the school to drop the kids off, nothing else. I promise as soon as you reframe your day 'they aren't my friends I'm only here to drop the kids off' your days will get ten times easier

I keep seeing threads saying that school Mums are in a clique. I say this kindly, intending to help ....I think that's more about self esteem. Someone who is happy and confident doesn't tend to look at a group of friends that way

Holiday home - "actually we dont offer it to friends now, as we realised we weren't getting mucj use of it ourselves"

Passport photos - it's a 5 minute job, hardly onerous. My DH does it all the time. Ask them to come over to the house if you want to make it mildly inconvenient for them "Sure, come over one evening and we'll do it over a coffee. No, can't do it here as I don't have my own passport handy"

But, i repeat, if you work on your own confidence and self esteem, you won't care about not being in their friendship group

Hide their posts if you don't want to see their social media posts

People don't owe you a friendship just cause you have children the same age.

Do you have anything else in common with them? Do you like them?

Why not make friends in a hobby, or at work instead of expecting it in the playground.

For a start charge the going rate for your holiday home. They're not your friends so don't do mates rares.

Assert yourself, if you people please because you want in the main group you'll end up being taken for granted. It's all on you OP.

I was thinking the same, definitely watch this

Firstly don’t give friend’s discounts to people who aren’t friends. Just say no, it’s full. We are going more often ourselves etc.

Secondly do those favours when it suits you. Sure, I have to rush after pick up all this week but feel free to drop by after tea.

Thirdly, Stop being friends on social media with people you don’t like.

Clique = group of close friends that usually has no clue they’re excluding anyone.

OP I wouldn’t give it too much headspace!

I think the OP is getting a slightly hard time here. Nothing wrong with a bunch of school mums being mates and socialising together but the dreaded 'school gate clique' is a thing. If you throw into the mix an exclusionary cold shouldered attitude based on superficial judgement of others (accent, clothing, looks, profession etc) then it can leave a sour taste no matter how super confident and carefree you are.. If someone can't even be arsed to even summon up a reciprocal hello in the morning it is pretty poor behaviour.

I think that there seems to be blurred lines and a lot of over involvement with eachother and it’s causing you these feelings

Yes, I was having a similar discussion with my mum at the weekend - keep things light and superficial with people and you don't fall out with them or think they owe you anything (or vice versa).

On the one hand, I don't agree with the people who've said they haven't done anything wrong - it is a bit rubbish to be excluded because you're not rich/thin enough etc. On the other hand, are they that well off if they are asking to use your park home (although I guess sponging off other people might be how they stay rich).

For the park home say you are only letting it at market rate now, you don't do mates rates anymore. And the passport thing - well, is that much of a burden? I am surprised you are being asked quite that often as it has got easier to find approved people now.

How do you not get offended by school cliques?

Why would you get offended by people being friends?

This idea that every mum (it’s never parent just mum) has to be of equal closeness with every other mum with a child of the same age in the school is so bizarre.

I'm glad that others have pointed out that they can't see what the "clique"have done actually done wrong other than just becoming closer friends witha group that they get on better with/have more in common with than others which is natural in almost any circumstance.

I agree that it's absolutely fine not to keep giving favours for those that don't return them - if you're in the legal profession you can't be a complete walkover so just separate the two issues and start saying no if you don't want to do favours regardless of who is asking -people above have given some good excuses should you need them. £20 is a tiny amount even for mates rates for the caravan, no wonder so many are asking. I'd up it to £100 at least to cover wear and tear and say "oh sorry I think it's all.those weeks are already spoken for" if someone asks that you don't want to go.

Out of interest what do you mean when they ask you to sign their mortgage applications? I've never heard of this - a) all my applications have been online and b) I've never needed someone to cosign it!

There were about 4 mothers like this when I was doing school runs in the 1980s, they were rude and snobbish, didn't speak to or acknowledge the rest of us. Funnily enough they all seemed to be in competition with each other, three of them had similar cars, white convertibles, and were fake tanned and blonde. My son once asked me why **s mummy was orange.😂They all seemed to socialise together with their spouses.
I think the rest of us found them amusing , I certainly did, although we never openly discussed them. Unless their activities affect your children negatively there is no problem, just don't engage with them or do them favours if they annoy you.

Yes I agree.

Add: "doesn't drive a posh enough car" to that list of things to exclude you for (until they want their passport signing, or a document certifying, and then they realise that you are worth knowing on occasion after all).

So you want them to stop being mates with each other and be mates with you instead?