How do you not get offended by school cliques?

[Purpleicing]

Could do with some advice to stop my confidence being more battered

4 years into school - son now year 3 - a once friendly group of mums in the class has developed into "the trendy confident ones" and "the rest of us"

The trendy ones not only invite each others children to the parties (at the exclusion of the children of the poor, the fat, the old, or the anxious), but have spend weekends on a 3 day partying spree - this weekend a bottomless brunch at a restaurant, one house party, and one day out at theme park with kids, all over social media

This in itself is just normal life I know, but what has riled me is that it doesn't stop them using the less trendy ones who don't get invited to play.

Specifically, we have a park holiday home which I have let a few people use for nothing or v little in past when everyone was more friendly across the whole class (think £20 for a long weekend) . Whole set of them asking to use it this summer already.

Other mums outside the clique I know do their fair share of help with after school pick ups and childcare

I'm also in an "approved profession" job and three times this week people have asked me for either legal advice or can you approve the passports (on my fifth lot of passport approval or 'can you sign my mortgage application' this month!)

My confidence is already battered, aibu to think jog on and find someone else to sign your bloody passports?

Find your self confidence. Watch 'Motherland' on the BBC iPlayer. These people are horrific, can gaurantee DC's are likely the brain of teachers lives. Stop giving out your caravan, advice and signature. Join a local group focusing on something you like where you will likely meet nicer people. Have an excuse ready when approached that does not involve an apology, a breezy 'no can do at the moment/Can't do that today/Got to run so won't be able to.....' you don't need these people.

It really doesn’t, and only a minority complain. In fact it sounds the opposite

I also can’t grasp this thought that simply as your kid is in the same school or class that a group of women cannot be close friends, every other mother needs to be invited.

many classes have up to 30 kids. This suggestion that any woman with a child at school can’t have close friendship groups with other mums. That they need to extend invites to every other mum is beyond ludicrous .

I think it all comes down to expectations vs reality. I never saw my DC starting school as an opportunity for me to socialise. I don't have the time to see my close friends as much as I'd like, so I wasn't really on the lookout for more social obligations. If it wasn't for MN I don't think it would ever occur to me that some parents have this expectation. Frankly, it suits me fine for school mums to be friendly aquantiances rather than friends.

To answer your question, OP I don't get offended by school "cliques" by being totally unaware of them. Honestly couldn't tell you if it's a thing at my DC's school or not. I drop off and I go, on to the next part of my day, whether that's work, or enjoying my day off. I will smile and say hello if I'm in a rush, or if I'm early there may be a few minutes pleasant small talk with the Mums of DD's good friends, but I've never expected more than that and no one seems to expect anything more from me. I'm on the class WhatsApp group but only because it's useful for reminders about dress up days and homework projects. No one uses it as a social thing, just school admin. Maybe others who are friendly have their own groups, I've no idea. I don't really do social media aside from WhatsApp so I've no clue what other school mums are up to. None of this has stopped my DD from having a solid group of friends, and getting invited to regular playdates and parties.

As for favours, you can say no if you want to. We have done the occasional favour for parents of DD's good friends (lifts to and from activities or parties etc) and this has been reciprocated. But this doesn't mean we're obliged to socialise with each other outside school.

I was gonna ask the same. Why?

This is a sad way to see life.

Sometimes those lovely family pics or outing pics are because they DID have a lovely time.

I know lots of my holiday pics on SM were absolutely memories and trips out.

You have to be quite a sad person in life to have to make yourself feel better by telling yourself that everyone is faking every happy moment you see.

Focus on working on yourself. When i see lovely holiday pics, I think "how lovely" and take a screenshot if it's a location I might want to visit someday.

They're just a group of friends. Stop over-thinking it.

The whole "trendy ones" v "poor, fat, old ones" is a distinction in your head, not theirs, That's why they're not embarrassed to ask for things like passports- they don't see themselves as excluding you. They're just living their lives and doing things with their friends and assuming that you are doing the same.

If you want to do social things with other mums at the school then arrange it. But being resentful because you're not in a particular group is silly and also really harsh on the other mums you've decided aren't good enough.

Just say no if you don't want to help with passports or lend your holiday home.

I think it’s envy , and likely loneliness , behind it. and that’s very sad . But it’s not the other womens fault. They won’t even realise someone is sitting watching feeling this way. They are just getting on with their lives.

This

Don't get involved full stop.

For me this would include not letting them use my holiday home and not signing their legal documents for them. I would not be letting anyone, let alone someone who is not my friend, use me when it suits their agenda.

They're not your friends, you owe them nothing.

Very much this.

But definitely say no to all the CF requests for favours from those you don’t really know.

Yes yes and yes.

Except I fucked up this morning and left my 8 year olds school bag by the back door. My fault entirely- he was carrying other stuff and asked me to grab it. Cue me standing in the playground instead of dropping and running .

I think people might get on better in life if they put as much thought into their own life's as they do about the 1% of what they think about people lives is

Whether this is school parents, celebrities, neighbours

Unless they are actively rude, aggressive or unpleasant to you, then they aren't really doing anything wrong.

Even if at the start of school, people held events for all kids and parents (and not everyone does or should have to) then by the time you are few years in, people will have naturally gravitated towards people they like more. Kids as well as parents.

It's not "exclusive" to have a closer group of friends or for them to have social events together. If they invited 29 out of 30 kids and parents and left one out, then that would be unfair. But 8 mums choosing to hang out together is not them being unreasonable or mean to everyone else.

Their kids will make their own minds up re being close friends with each other but there is nothing particularly wrong with them taking their kids to an event together even if the kids are not that close - it's a good life lesson for kids to have to get along with each other .

Don't lend the holiday home out if you don't want to. You aren't obliged to.
If you choose to do it, then do it out of generosity rather than because you then feel entitled to invitations to all of their social life.

Here’s how I deal with it:
Say “hello/good morning/hi” leave straight to work or back home
Never ever ask for childcare/pick up/drop off. There’s a mother who does school pick ups/drop off in some schools so I pay her whenever I need.
attend birthday parties, get a chair and join the group. It just lasts 2 hours and it won’t hurt.
the combination of courtesy and never ask for favours is a winner. I don’t belong to any group of mothers. Perhaps I’m the SAH mom who drives a Range Rover as I read in some previous threads.

This is such an incredibly unhelpful mindset.

How on earth can you know anything about this "clique"? Even the OP doesn't know what these people think, let alone you.

Why is any group of friends of which doesn't include you automatically a clique? Are you not capable of grasping that people have the right to choose their own friendships?

You really don’t see how a group that deliberately excludes “random” school mums can change the dynamic of a class and the children in it? Because before they even start they are already being excluded by a large proportion of the class?

Definition of clique pretty much right there.

Make a group with the "others"

Get them and their kids together so the kids can socialise and don't miss out

These threads don’t make sense to me.

My DS1 is also in year 3. At this age, all class parties are no longer a thing. He invited about 6 children to his 8th birthday party. If the mums are close, then it’s possible their kids have formed stronger friendships too due to seeing each other more often.

Ive always made a real effort to make friends at the school gates. Some people I haven’t clicked with, others I have and now I do have a small group of mum friends. It’s paid off because whilst we don’t rely on each other for regular childcare, we do help each other out occasionally if one of us is stuck. Which is especially helpful for me as a single parent. We also do meet up without the kids. But it’s taken several years! One of my closest friends I met at toddler groups.

I couldn’t care less who other people socialise with. I’ve noticed that some groups are more clique-y, but it doesn’t offend me. But the ones who don’t make the effort with others are always the ones complaining that they don’t have any friends 😂

I wouldn't let anyone use a holiday home other than close friends or family. I'd sign the passport applications though

This. And do my “fair share of childcare”? Do I? I had no idea. No one ever looks after mine .

Probably acting as a witness or signing the occupiers form.

@Nooyoiknooyoik

You really don’t see how a group that deliberately excludes “random” school mums can change the dynamic of a class and the children in it? Because before they even start they are already being excluded by a large proportion of the class?

This is an absolutely astonishing mindset. Do you seriously think that there is an obligation on the part of all "school mums" to include all other "school mums"? Is there a contract which requires them to invite every other mum of every child in the class to invite every other mum to every social event?

This is completely unworkable just on a practical basis, never mind the social side.

Do you not think women should be allowed the agency to choose their own friendships? What sort of signal does it send to children if they grow up feeling they are automatically entitled to be invited to everything?

School is not a social life on a plate. No wonder people become so paranoid and hung up in later life if their parents get the hump about friendships developing organically. It's life and you have to learn to deal with it.

All that Glitters is not Gold thats all I am saying. There is nothing wrong with being in the clique or not but dont let yourself get drawn into what people post of social media.

You should all thank your lucky stars you never experienced the Magellan Women in Bishop Eton Liverpool - ostensibly a Christian group but such a nasty divisive group 🙏🏽☘️ Full of vacuous Queen Bees

Same applies: All that Glitters is not Gold thats all I am saying. There is nothing wrong with being in the clique or not but dont let yourself get drawn into what people post of social media.

Absolutely no way would I let acquaintances,who exclude me or my child from social events, use my holiday home. Block them on social media and do not engage. If they ask about the holiday home say you have got paid bookings so it's no longer available.

You really don’t see how a group that deliberately excludes “random” school mums can change the dynamic of a class and the children in it? Because before they even start they are already being excluded by a large proportion of the class ?

Definition of clique pretty much right there.

No one owes anyone a friendship, or even a conversation.

A friendship group of people is just that. Why should they invite strangers to lunches out or on holiday?! That's bonkers. No one should feel like they have to share their personal life and issues like divorce with people they barely know.

Children being friends with a few classmates already before starting school doesn't mean they will exclude others. That's just ridiculous. My 4 year old is friends with my friends children in YR but he's also made different friendships too. It's possible to have friends and also be friendly to everyone else too