How do you not get offended by school cliques?

[Purpleicing]

Could do with some advice to stop my confidence being more battered

4 years into school - son now year 3 - a once friendly group of mums in the class has developed into "the trendy confident ones" and "the rest of us"

The trendy ones not only invite each others children to the parties (at the exclusion of the children of the poor, the fat, the old, or the anxious), but have spend weekends on a 3 day partying spree - this weekend a bottomless brunch at a restaurant, one house party, and one day out at theme park with kids, all over social media

This in itself is just normal life I know, but what has riled me is that it doesn't stop them using the less trendy ones who don't get invited to play.

Specifically, we have a park holiday home which I have let a few people use for nothing or v little in past when everyone was more friendly across the whole class (think £20 for a long weekend) . Whole set of them asking to use it this summer already.

Other mums outside the clique I know do their fair share of help with after school pick ups and childcare

I'm also in an "approved profession" job and three times this week people have asked me for either legal advice or can you approve the passports (on my fifth lot of passport approval or 'can you sign my mortgage application' this month!)

My confidence is already battered, aibu to think jog on and find someone else to sign your bloody passports?

Roll on year 7 was my thinking.
Then you never see them regularly again.

Bliss

I'd do it but only when its convenient for you. Eg tell them to being it to school pick up or pop round to your house at 7pm wednesday pr whatever. Otherwise you'll get gossiped about. The holiday house would be a firm no, and I'd give an excuse (you don't give it to friends any more, it's all booked up, you're wfh there in the holidays) if necessary

I’ve done three passports this year, too!

Honestly, passive aggression I think is the only tool for that kind of people. Next time they ask to borrow your park home: Let me check the diary. Looks like you had a lovely time at Chessington! Been meaning to take DS there for a while… and then just never send them any dates.

Form your own clique and do more fun stuff.

You’re being ridiculous.
I’m on the “outside” of a group of friends like this myself. They’re just a group of friends!

They’ve done nothing wrong asking for your caravan park place, cos you’ve offered it in the past.
All you have to do is saying, “no”. Or if that’s hard (I wouldn’t myself be so blunt) “we’re using it a lot more spontaneously ourselves this year so we’ve decided not to lend it out”.

Authorised signatures… you could say no. My husband gets asked all the time. It takes him seconds so he doesn’t care. His “rule” is that the person has to do the running - bring the paperwork to our house. Even multiple times a month is hardly a burden.

They sound like a group of friends to me, who have done nothing wrong apart from be friends. You throwing things in there like "fat, ugly, anxious" or whatever you've said.....that is you talking I assume, and not them at all?

Sometimes people meet and become amazing friends, that's allowed.

@Justalittlebitduckling “Honestly, passive aggression I think is the only tool for that kind of people. Next time they ask to borrow your park home: Let me check the diary. Looks like you had a lovely time at Chessington!”

Tool? 🤣

That kind of people (that is, normal people in normal friendships groups) will say, “we did, thank you - recommend it so yes, you should definitely take your son, he’ll love it!”

Apart from your “tool” not working, only a dick would waste their energy thinking they’d cleverly made some kind of dig or point. Friends are allowed a weekend away together without including every mum they ever spoke to in the playground 🤣

The wanting to be part of the popular kids group never really fades does it? I think for a lot of people it becomes ingrained at school. Even though I had nothing in common with the school Mums, I remember the horrible awkwardness of not being part of the cliques all too well. Standing alone and looking at my phone to try and look busy or unconcerned.

Yes, it likely was about my low self esteem, and they probably never gave me a seconds thought. I certainly don't blame them for my discomfort, why would I?

But for me, it was more about my DC's, playdates and parties etc. It's so gutting for a child to not be invited, and even more gutting for me, managing their hurt. Because not being part of a large clique/friendship group means that your child misses out sometimes/all the time. Yes, I know, that's life, but try explaining that to a 5 year old.

So glad those days are behind me and it's all a dim and distant memory!

I don't understand OP. Granted I'm very tires this morning be up all night with poorly toddler.

A group of women have been friends and hang out together at weekends.

Your confidence is knocked because they ask you to sign passports and enquire about your holiday let?

I just don't follow.

Is it just that you're sad because you want to go bottomless bunching with them, but they dont invite you?

You won’t know this group of women in 10 years time and if you’re anything like me won’t even remember many of their names! You’ll wonder why you even cared.
Don’t give them any more head space just be polite but not effusive with them and don’t lend them your holiday home - say it’s fully taken over the summer.

I used to stand at the gates with the friends I made when our kids were babies or at playgroup. So yes, we were a group of friends who gravitated to each other wherever our kids were (brownies, gym club, whatever) and met for coffee sometimes.

It would never occur to me that we could be seen as a clique. We didn't deliberately exclude anyone. We just hung out. It's not like thirty mums can have exactly the same kind of relationship just because their kids are all in the same class.

The social media thing? They're not doing it to rub your nose in on anything. It's not my thing, but sharing photos from a fun event is what a lot of people do. Just unfollow them if you find it upsetting.

OP, do you really think it's practical to invite 30 families to a bottomless brunch, a house party (how big is your house???) and to a theme park? I'm one who organises and it doesn't work. There also just aren't enough weekends to spend time equally with everyone who's nice. That's why smaller friendship groups form. It's a shame you feel left out, but how many families is this - 4? 5? That leaves you 24 or 25 other families to bond with. Set up some events and invite a few to each, you might like them!

Unfollow them on social media - on both FB and IG you can do that without unfriending them. It’ll save your sanity.

Ignore them otherwise. Make friends with people you like, and get together with them, and enjoy your caravan with your kids. Your kids won’t miss out.

Finally if they want to use your caravan charge full price and state increased costs. If they grumble tough cookies. Passports - sign if you want but don’t if you are too busy.

It's hard to know how they feel about you, but I'm wondering from the over-reaction if you feel you used to be close with a few and included but phased out? If that's the case, contact the friendliest one and try to arrange something, it may be that the group naturally dwindled over the years (dinner party limited by table size etc) but they are happy to include you in some stuff where it's more practical to have a larger group.

I always find this so surprising. This ache to be included with these mums, the irritation and envy when not.

Do you have a friendship circle of your own outside of school ?

personally I don’t see an issue if they treat you like a loose acquaintance and ask for things occasionally. You can say no. But saying no as you only do these things if they want to be close friends with you for me is off.

I don’t think the mums are unreasonable. They are simply spending time with those they are closest to, which is totally normal and asking for things from the wider group . I’d not think twice if s school mum asked me something and it wouldn’t occur to me to have any further thought than I hope they have fun if I saw them out.

I think the issue is your envy of them and desire to be included. If I was you I’d focus on what’s behind this. Is it something you experienced at school? Are you lonely with no social circle of your own? Something is causing it

I agree that they haven't done anything wrong by being friends but the tone of your post makes you sound like the typical cliquey school mum who everyone complains about

You get boundaries.

Mute or delete in SM.

Charge going rate for rental or say its busy.
Befriend the others and organise your own fun.
If you're going to sign, say yes but only at a time convenient to to you

@secsee even though I'm the fat ugly one with a shit job? Are you sure you read my 2 posts correctly? 🤔

I think the issue is your envy of them and desire to be included. If I was you I’d focus on what’s behind this. Is it something you experienced at school? Are you lonely with no social circle of your own? Something is causing it

This. Work on the reasons why it bothers you so much that a bunch of women you slightly know are friends with each other. This is your problem. Not the fact that they go to lunch sometimes.

It really worries me that so many women's sense of confidence and self worth is linked so closely to the approval of arbitrary groups of people who are barely aware of them and haven't thought about them.

It's so prevalent on here, rarely a day goes by without a "bitchy school gate mums clique" thread. Almost invariably when this is unpacked it turns out to be someone feeling envious and put out that they haven't been invited to a couple of social events. And then tons of people pile on saying: "Oh OP I went through this with my kids and they are toxic. Just block them etc". It's the social equivalent of dropping a nuclear bomb on a neighbouring country. A huge over-reaction, completely pointless and self-destructive.

You aren't automatically entitled to be invited to every social event purely because your kids are at school together. The fact that you once did these people a favour isn't a blood pact which guarantees you their trust and friendship. Thinking you are owed friendship by anyone for any reason is a fast road to disappointment.

Stop worrying about someone else's social life and focus on learning to love and respect yourself enough to make your own genuine friendships which aren't linked to status and a sense of where you are in the pecking order.

You're better than them because you're nice & worry about others. People like me, not as nice, really couldn't care less about others like these women. In the playground I smile, acknowledge others, respond etc but never attempt friendships, or show interest in their conversations. They certainly wouldn't get anywhere near my parkhome! Just carry on being lovely with people who deserve you.

Charge them *100%

It could be let out to someone else over those dates presumably, especially during summer

They aren't her friends so I'm not sure why she would bear the cost of some of their holiday??

Why do people expect to automatically be friends with mums in their children's class?

The kids won't remember the other kids within about 5 years. Do you know anyone from primary school.

I struggle to keep up with my actual friends at weekends so it's baffling to me that someone would be so desperate to hang out with people that you don't know!

You really need to change your mindset on this. You need to be truly grateful you are not in this clique. There is always some kind of fallout in these groups and don't get me started with peoples social media. Half of its fake, they don't show the true events of the day. I have friends who have argued all day with their husbands, but their social media posts always read. I love my family so much, and we had the most amazing family fun day at Lego land or wherever Blah blah.

There will always be various groups of friends that get together. Our school is no different. Different interests, different groups. I’m not particularly in a group but have a few really nice friends.

try not to let it bother you. Are you hankering after an invite into the group?

tbh I’m too busy to care what other people are doing socially. Ive barely any free time and wouldn’t want to spend three days with school parents. I’ve also signed three passport applications so far this year.

Maybe it’s me but I never saw having school mum friends a thing to aspire to, just because our kids go to the same school doesn’t mean I’d want to be friends with you or you with me. I do people favours only if I want to, randoms coming up to me expecting favours or freebies based entirely on our children being in the same school can jog on, essentially if they have deliberately gone out of their way to be mean to me or others.