How do you not get offended by school cliques?

[Purpleicing]

Could do with some advice to stop my confidence being more battered

4 years into school - son now year 3 - a once friendly group of mums in the class has developed into "the trendy confident ones" and "the rest of us"

The trendy ones not only invite each others children to the parties (at the exclusion of the children of the poor, the fat, the old, or the anxious), but have spend weekends on a 3 day partying spree - this weekend a bottomless brunch at a restaurant, one house party, and one day out at theme park with kids, all over social media

This in itself is just normal life I know, but what has riled me is that it doesn't stop them using the less trendy ones who don't get invited to play.

Specifically, we have a park holiday home which I have let a few people use for nothing or v little in past when everyone was more friendly across the whole class (think £20 for a long weekend) . Whole set of them asking to use it this summer already.

Other mums outside the clique I know do their fair share of help with after school pick ups and childcare

I'm also in an "approved profession" job and three times this week people have asked me for either legal advice or can you approve the passports (on my fifth lot of passport approval or 'can you sign my mortgage application' this month!)

My confidence is already battered, aibu to think jog on and find someone else to sign your bloody passports?

I do buy their stuff though

Soooo they've developed a stronger friendship and you are offended despite them not actively having done anything negative to you..?

Stop giving them so much headspace.

And say "no I get too many requests like this" the next time a passport thing comes up. Or offer them an appointment if you want the professional aspect recognised and don't mind the extra fees.

And just say that your holiday accommodation isn't available (unsaid, "to you") if someone asks.

You don't owe anyone favours.

But neither do they owe you friendship just because they happen to live locally and get pregnant around the same time, that's mental.

Why do you care so much? Get your own friends...goodness

@figlife
This

Why does anyone have to be approachable? I don’t want people approaching me.

It was the knee-jerk stroppiness actually.

Interesting to see paranoia billed as “human understanding”.

please re read your initial reply to me, then come chat to me about “stroppy” 🙄

A lot of you don’t even know that you’re giving off mean vibes, and it really shows.

in reality, a lot of you do actually know, but we’re doing up 3 blind mice when it comes to this “phenomenon” (or even “paranoia” now?!) that seems to be experienced by a hell of a lot of people Wild.

Honestly, this whole phenomenon is a case study into a fascinating aspect of human nature.
It really is. The idea that posters feel they have to apologise or downplay the fairly mundane fact that they have friends by talking themselves down or making excuses in order to appease people with huge chips on their shoulders is sad.

It seems to me some people have grown into adults but are stuck in the pre-teen/early teen mentality when it comes to friendships. It can't be healthy going through adult life viewing other people's friendships as cliques, deciding whether something is a friendship or a clique based on how you perceive another adult's appearance, and drawing up imaginary criteria that they've decided is required to be part of the cool group.

Pulling you up on inappropriate use of an abuse term is not “stroppy”.

And you never did answer my question.

🙄

Don't you see you're doing the same. You don't really find it "fascinating". You're just lacking empathy.

And people can generally be grouped... social scientists do it all the time. It isn't paranoia, it's an observation, that may or may not be true.

God, mumsnet is brutal sometimes.

OP, I hope you're ok. It's fine to have a bit of a wobble confidence wise.

As I said previously up post - feelings like this are always worth examining, they may be telling you you need to work on your confidence, assertiveness, or you may be feeling lonely and it's worth having a day out with your friends etc.

I can't believe people give a shit about these things.

A PP actually said parents should restrict themselves from having social interaction with other parents at school in order to avoid this

it might have been me who said that - indirectly at least. If you stay superficially civil to people you can't fall out with them. You don't find out things about them you don't like and they can't upset you (and you can't upset them).

Sub groups in WhatsApp is baffling me.

Yes if there are 30 children in a class and a sub group is set up for 28/29 set of parents then it’s bloody rude, but what’s wrong generally with sub groups of friends? Or a sub group for the football team parents..? Or the parents that get on and want to organise lunch?

I’m a member of a couple of “sub groups” and I am fully aware there will be many more that I’m not part of. Some parents at our school go running together and they seem to coordinate their runs.. presumably by the dreaded sub-group. Is this an issue?
There are whole class parties organised sometimes and other people organise smaller parties for their child and a group of their key friends. Usually they set up a WhatsApp group eg “Heather’s party” and there might be chatting on that group for a bit.

If people are actually sending round school information and excluding one or two parents then that’s terrible, if they have formed friendship groups - to be expected and nothing wrong with that.

It’s somehow being assumed that women who have school Mum friends, and who they see and chat to at pick up, and also engineering friendships and refusing play dates with children who aren’t the children of their friends

This totally happened where I live and way into secondary!

Why were people excluded? Two main reasons.

Wrong sort (not rich enough, drove a "rubbish2 car, house too small, not professional jobs)

Worked full time (oh dear, didn't she manage to snag herself a man who was rich enough to keep her)

However, there's a distinction between people who are friendly with each other, but perfectly civil to those "not in the gang) and those who form cliques and ignore those who don't fit their perception of what is acceptable. And those who ignore you until they want something.

Aren’t the ones complaining the ones who lack empathy.

Empathy tells me that it’s normal and natural for people to gather in groups of friends. I don’t take this personally or feel that I’m being excluded or think other people have some kind of duty to include me.

You must get offended by a lot of things if your solution is to never find anything out about people. I don't think advice to be an anti-social misanthrope is helpful in any context. Much better to practice tolerance and a friendly smile for everyone.

I’m not 13. I don’t fall out with my friends.

I don’t want to keep things ‘superficial’ with someone I like and get on with - and miss out on all the laughs and support a good friendship brings.

Again, these comments are so telling, in terms of how some people view friendship.

What do the ‘anti clique’ brigade want? No one to talk to each other in the playground? If two mums go for a coffee they have to invite everyone? The confident mums have to go round asking the anxious ones if they’re ok? What exactly do you think k should be happening?

So good friends just have to exchange pleasantries in case the fall out at some point? What? What a *weird^ outlook on life

That post about cars and houses and jobs bring a friendship barrier sorry I don’t get it. Maybe the people in question get in with each other?!

The whole “they don’t hang out with me because my car isn’t good enough” is complete speculation. Unless those people have told you they only hang around with people who have Porsches? Why do we take these assumptions seriously?

I had this too . Ended up taking her son to school with mine everyday . She just dropped him off and she never spoke to me again. That's all she was being friendly for .

I hear you - it's not expecting to be invited to everything, it's those who will talk to you in the playground until someone they prefer turns up and they literally turn their back to you. It's finding out that there is a class whatsapp group last day of year 6 that you hadn't been asked to join. As time has gone on I care less and have found people who I actually want to talk to who I consider friends, but I would never turn my back on someone mid conversation!

As kids get older I find it settles down.

Advice would be 1/turn off SM (it really helps the FOMO), 2/no cheap holidays - all booked up 3/ get to know the other mums outside of the group - if it's a class of 30 then there are probably 25 not in the clique (?) and I bet at least a few feel the same.

the difference is this topic always turns into a “not all” fest.

Obviously it’s not all. A lot of you on this post (and all the other posts just like like this one) most certainly are bad vibes.

if your child expresses feeling bullied/excluded what do you do?

Or a friend telling you they’re feeling bullied/excluded in the work place?

tell them it’s nothing, and that they’re just “strong friendship groups” and they should try harder? It’s all in their heads? They’re paranoid?

the difference is this topic always turns into a “not all” fest.

That's because so many MNers are generalisers. Look back at the posts in this thread and you'll see a lot that refer to 'school mums' as a homogenous pack. To be fair, the OP didn't generalise, but many who followed have.

Same with many MN posts about men, MILs, boomers etc.