How do you not get offended by school cliques?

[Purpleicing]

Could do with some advice to stop my confidence being more battered

4 years into school - son now year 3 - a once friendly group of mums in the class has developed into "the trendy confident ones" and "the rest of us"

The trendy ones not only invite each others children to the parties (at the exclusion of the children of the poor, the fat, the old, or the anxious), but have spend weekends on a 3 day partying spree - this weekend a bottomless brunch at a restaurant, one house party, and one day out at theme park with kids, all over social media

This in itself is just normal life I know, but what has riled me is that it doesn't stop them using the less trendy ones who don't get invited to play.

Specifically, we have a park holiday home which I have let a few people use for nothing or v little in past when everyone was more friendly across the whole class (think £20 for a long weekend) . Whole set of them asking to use it this summer already.

Other mums outside the clique I know do their fair share of help with after school pick ups and childcare

I'm also in an "approved profession" job and three times this week people have asked me for either legal advice or can you approve the passports (on my fifth lot of passport approval or 'can you sign my mortgage application' this month!)

My confidence is already battered, aibu to think jog on and find someone else to sign your bloody passports?

It sounds like you don't want to be friends with anyone else as you have labelled them fat, old etc and you're cross that you're not in this particular group. Maybe start your own group? There's 30 kids in a class & there must be a couple of others who are decent company?

Stop lending out holiday home to school people & tell them it's family only. £20 a weekend is very low & what you might charge a family member to cover gas & electricity.

You're not obliged to sign paperwork. Just say you don't have time.

I think however they know what they're doing & putting photos out there isn't really necessary. It's showing off about how popular they are 😉

This.

If there are people like this, and it's not just attributes being assigned to people by others then I'd just totally bypass them rather than saying hello and being annoyed. Schools are busy enough it's easy to avoid people if you want to I guess you'll come across unpleasant people at school as in any other walk of life.

My best friends are mums at school. All of our children are in the same class. We were friends before they joined school (since the DC were babies!!)

We do go on holiday together and yes, we have bottomless brunches. Etc.

But no, we won't extend the invitation to random other mums on the school run just because we feel guilty.

It's not a clique - we're actually really close and support each other through death, divorce, work, house moving, mental breakdowns. It's called friendship.

I never once thought anyone would give two hoots tbh. I definitely wouldn't want to be friends with someone so bitter and jealous- it would ruin our group dynamics immediately! Everyone would be miserable Blergh.

I can't see where they've done anything wrong? People can be friends with who they want and why should they open every night out or trip to everyone.

If that's the kind of thing you want then you need to find some people you click with and start organising it yourself.

The favours are up to you. Just say no if you don't want to. I do a fair amount of countersigning for people at school but don't mind it but if I didn't want to I'd just say no.

I just don't give a shite.

i wonder if it’s partly being busy with small children then when they start school, and are a bit older, you come up for air and think great - other humans, time for a social life so have higher expectations of this group at the school gates than you do ordinarily.
So more likely to be disappointed - it does seem to be a thing.

Big groups of friends made only because your kids are in the same class inevitably change over time into smaller groups who find more things in common. Often which dads get on with each other will heavily influence whether or not people meet up at the weekends. I would try not to get offended and find your own group which may or may not be school mums. With regards your holiday home if you only want to let “real friends” have it just say to the others that it’s not available.

I see these sorts of posts all the time about supposed cliques among school mum groups and I find them excruciating to read because 95% of the time they are about women allowing their own poor self esteem to eat them alive from the inside and have nothing to do with the people in question. They become an echo chamber of low self-esteem. And this post is a perfect example of this.

I'm going to be as kind as possible because clearly you are not feeling good about yourself and I don't want to beat you up but you have to understand this has nothing to do with these people and everything to do with you. You describe them as "trendy, confident" as if this were an objective accreditation which someone has bestowed upon them. This is a projection. It's entirely in your own head.

If they want to go and have bottomless brunches at weekends let them knock themselves out. It has nothing to do with you and if you allow yourself to obsess about why you are not in the "trendy, confident" gang you will slowly drive yourself around the bend.

The problem in these situations is women with low self esteem and far too much time on their hands massively over-investing in the school mum network for their social lives. They don't owe you a social life and they don't have obligation to be your friends.

The solution is for you to give less of a fuck about them and probably the way to do this is by finding other friends outside school. Not be bitching about them on internet forums. You're just fuelling the death spiral.

You don't have to let out your park holiday home, and although your refusal to sign passport forms sounds incredibly petty you don't have to do this either. But for your own sake, please get some help with your self-esteem because this is the problem here.

I just want to add that everyone in our little group of mum friends are very very different. Almost like opposites attract.
I'm the fat ugly one with a shite career.

We have a hippy, a teacher, a nurse, a SAHM, a supermarket worker etc. Two of us live on a council estate, 1 has a nice house and the rest of us rent.

😂 nobody is "too good"

I used to be a bit upset until I suddenly realised that they were not my kind of people and why be upset about not being invited to spend time with people I don't really get on with or particularly like.

We moved to a new area before DS started school and I became involved in a chat group with other mums of prospective new starts. It was as much about me making new friends as it was for DS. There are lots of mums in the chat, but inevitably smaller groups have formed and I'm in a couple of different ones who tend to do things together both with kids and without. We would never deliberately exclude anyone but equally we don't generally announce our playdate or social plans to the whole main chat group. I've grown closest to the other mums who have made the effort to get to know me so I make no apologies for doing things with them.

Perhaps the reason the clique you describe invite each others kids to parties is because their children are friends? I think the whole class invite thing is usually reserved for the first year until friendships are made. I'm also in an approved profession and would have no issue signing passports etc. But I would rein back on the holiday house thing.

You don't need them, Op. Give them a wide berth and never a second thought. Don't be a mug. It may seem a long way off, but really, secondary school is on the horizon. And you'll never have to see them again. 😁

@NoFux your response is spot on

Exactly this.

Why do some people think that every mother of every child in the class has to socialise as a group? Of course you're going to have more in common with some people than others. A few mums have found common ground with a few others and have formed a friendship group. This is not a "clique". They have no duty/responsibility to invite every other mother to their bottomless brunches or whatever.

So weird.

This!

How is this even a thing as an adult with a job and responsibilities?!

Don't you have your own non-school mum friends??

Hmmm I haven't really experienced/noticed this at my dcs' school, but I can believe it exists. I've experienced cliquiness in other aspects of life, but fortunately have not needed to spend much time around them.

At my dcs' school there is a group of trendier types who go out together, but they aren't my sort of people anyway, (a lot of fake tan, sports wear, Sloaney accents etc - not to sound mean....ok that does sound quite mean. There's nothing wrong with that style and they wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore than I'd want to be friends with them. I'm sure they think I'm very plain and boring). But, my point is that these groups can form and it isn't always a problem.

I haven't noticed any cliquiness with birthday party invitations. I have a year 3 child too and she tells me who to invite and we invite them. Sometimes I do really want to invite the child of a mum I really like, but I wouldn't do it or coax my DC into inviting them because it isn't my party!

I wouldn't do big favours for people I barely know though (like lending them my holiday home). I'd probably do the odd passport app as that isn't a big deal. DH has done that for random neighbours and neighbours have witnessed our will etc. We aren't close friends, but we do little things like that. But I wouldn't ask any of them to give me their holiday home! That is cheeky

Translating your post, OP, it sounds like a group of mums/parents have now become good friends and do lots of socialising outside school. Their kids also get on and go to one another's parties.

Whole class parties stop in Y1 in my experience - thank god, as parties are then much smaller and kids only invite people they like.

You "cope" with this (insomuchas there is anything to cope with at all) by having your own life and friends and social activities and your kids the same, without worrying too much about what other people get up to.

Charge them 80% of the going rate for the caravan. Charge them your professional fee for the passports. Arrange get-togethers with people you like who are not part of their group.

I know where you're coming from OP - it's not that they are friends, it's the treating you like a friend when they want something without you actually being in their friendship group. The best way to handle it is with vague business - don't respond to their messages without prompting, the holiday place is "already booked, sorry", I can sign your application - please bring it round at X time (and no other) etc.

I don't think they've done anything wrong really, they are friends with each other, not everything had to be an open invite and if you've let them use it before it doesn't seem too cheeky to do it again. Just send out a message on the group WhatsApp saying unfortunately you can't let out the holiday home anymore.

Oh and I agree, focus on making your own group of mum friends 🙂

@Thepeopleversuswork I agree with this

They’ve made friends with each other. You’re not part of that friendship group, presumably because you have a different lifestyle. So what? Make your own friends.

If you don’t want to lend out your holiday home and sign passports, just stop doing it.

But there’s little point being jealous. You sound as if you desperately want to be in the friendship group and don’t understand why you aren’t. But it’s clear you also dislike these people and don’t respect them. So obviously you’ll never have a real friendship with them.

Just stop being jealous, chill out and move on.

Roll on year 7 was my thinking.
Then you never see them regularly again.

Bliss