How do you not get offended by school cliques?

[Purpleicing]

Could do with some advice to stop my confidence being more battered

4 years into school - son now year 3 - a once friendly group of mums in the class has developed into "the trendy confident ones" and "the rest of us"

The trendy ones not only invite each others children to the parties (at the exclusion of the children of the poor, the fat, the old, or the anxious), but have spend weekends on a 3 day partying spree - this weekend a bottomless brunch at a restaurant, one house party, and one day out at theme park with kids, all over social media

This in itself is just normal life I know, but what has riled me is that it doesn't stop them using the less trendy ones who don't get invited to play.

Specifically, we have a park holiday home which I have let a few people use for nothing or v little in past when everyone was more friendly across the whole class (think £20 for a long weekend) . Whole set of them asking to use it this summer already.

Other mums outside the clique I know do their fair share of help with after school pick ups and childcare

I'm also in an "approved profession" job and three times this week people have asked me for either legal advice or can you approve the passports (on my fifth lot of passport approval or 'can you sign my mortgage application' this month!)

My confidence is already battered, aibu to think jog on and find someone else to sign your bloody passports?

If you are friendly acquaintances with the mums at school (so they wouldn't necessarily seek out your company but will include you in school gate conversations and chat to you at school events as good manners demands), then I think that's fine. If a deeper friendship has developed between some of them, then I just think you need to accept that they've clicked and you haven't. So long as it's not affecting how people are treating the children.

On the 'favours' thing, I think it's unreasonable for them to ask to use your holiday home and I'd just tell them it's not available. But the signing documents/helping with emergency school pick-ups is something I'd do for anyone who needed it (so long as they weren't taking the piss). My neighbours (who we don't know particularly well) and I often do that sort of thing for each other just because it makes everyone's lives easier and creates good karma. But they still don't invite us to their parties 😅!

My SIL is one of those mums. The kids don't even get along, one of them was bullying her DS and she still took him to a garden party at one of her school mum mates house and her poor DS was begging in the car not to make him go in.

I don’t think they’ve done anything wrong. They just happen to get on better with each other. Ok perhaps they’re a bit cliquey but I’m afraid that’s life. As long as they aren’t rude.
just say no to the holiday park, sorry need to prioritise fully paying guests etc.
I think counter signing for a passport is not a big deal but you could always say no, however seems a bit churlish.

Yes, exactly. I’ve said this on here before, but when I moved to a village in the Midlands, and had a child newly at school there, women I knew used to talk in hushed tones about the ‘alpha mum’ of the village as though she was some kind of powerful clique leader with semi-goddess status. I asked someone to point out this paragon to me, and realised she was someone I’d chatted to briefly a few times — a perfectly nice, deeply ordinary woman who always walked as though her shoes were a size too small and did a lot on the PTA. Her ‘power’ was the aura given to her by others.

Wait what? I'm supposed to care about other mums on the school run? Eh?

Are they a clique or have they just splintered off into a group of close friends that do stuff together? That's allowed! Why do you care so much? You & your child surely do stuff with your own friends? If they're that undesirable, why would you want t to be included in their group anyway?

As for letting them use your park home for almost nothing...just say no! You don't owe anyone anything, just because you have something like that. Surely you & your family will be using it yourselves throughout the Summer anyway? No need to explain or justify anything.

You must have missed Motherland on the tv.

I understand feeling a bit disappointed that previously friendly people don't want to be friendly any more, but.... at the end of the day, there is such a thing as freedom of association.

I'd get together with the other parents who are not part of this group, and do stuff with them instead. And don't do favors for people who only want to talk to you when they want something. Just say politely that you're busy and that someone else is using the property.

I have stood in four school playgrounds in my primary school parent life and they are all the same. Recently, I saw a young mum that I talk to absolutely crushed by the clique. She was talking to one mum happily, but the mum slipped straight into cold shouldering her as soon as a group of "trendy mums" turned up. They all decided to take their kids to the local park and left the young mum and her son standing there. She was baffled, embarrassed and hurt. I told her the truth- that it's like a big version of secondary school politics and that this always happens, it's not her at all, it really is them, and the best self care tip I can offer her is not to try hard and be desperate to get in with them! Don't join the class WhatsApp groups, don't do them any favours, don't attach her self worth to any sort of interaction from them. It's not worth it, she's already got friends and she doesn't need to be crushed by some smug cows on the school run. It adds up to ten minutes of her day. She doesn't need anything from them.

They can piss off with their passport requests though. Just say no, sorry, I don't do that.

What everyone else said. Are they excluding you/others? Being unpleasant? Because imo sharing FB pics of a nice weekend with friends is just… sharing FB pics of a nice weekend with friends. And you don’t need yo lend your home/give your time to anyone you don’t want to.

It'll all change in a few years when all the kids friendships change anyway. It's better to be out of it. Those type of tightly knit groups can get intense, competitive, bitchy and unpleasant over time, so keep them friendly but arms length and don't make yourself available for favours.

You do need to not allow yourself to get upset by what other parents do. Concentrate on your own friends.

I also would not allow anyone but close friends to use the holiday home. Some people are undoubtedly taking you for a mug and £20 is not likely to cover the costs of electricity and gas even for a weekend. What would happen if they damage the property and refuse to pay for it? Awkward.

Re the passports it’s up to you but you could let it be known subtly that you aren’t doing them anymore, or charge £5 for your time, or if you can get away with saying your employer isn’t happy with you doing this (I know that isn’t convincing but hey, it’s less confrontational to say rather than an outright no 🤷‍♀️).

So they’re a group of friends who do stuff together while you sit and monitor their FBs for what they’ve been up to.

Either join the group or make your own friends. Hanging around bitterly on the outskirts of someone else’s friendship group is a bit tragic.

Why do you need their friendship or acceptance and why can't you just say no to favours? Genuine questions.

If you're trying to make friends why don't you get a hobby and find people you have something in common with. School mums are just a random bunch of women thrown together through circumstance.

This is why I don’t stand at the school gates, my children are old enough to walk to and from the gates. If I ever do need to I say hello to people who say hello to me and that’s as far as it goes I prefer not to get involved in all that stuff

Why can't they just be friends with each other? By year 3 people would normally have established friendship groups, in doubtful that they aren't friends with other people because they are old or fat.

In the areas you feel they are taking advantage of you stop. Let your kids decide who they want at parties and play dates and make more effort with the other mums

If their social media is annoying you just unfollow them.

the poor, the fat, the old, or the anxious

I can’t believe you are so bitter and jealous of an innocent sounding friendship group that you have chosen to label the rest of the class mums as above. I can’t see what the group have done wrong to be honest, not every social
event can be a whole class one. If you don’t want to mend out your holiday home then don’t, but how will they know they shouldn’t be asking anymore if you don’t tell them?

I would be interested to hear your definition of a clique vs a group of friends?

Do you even want to be friends with them? Do you actually like them?

Do you have friends of your own separate the school run? What was your friendship circle like at secondary school yourself- did you feel it was cliquey and you weren’t one of the “popular” ones?

I was a bit of a loner/outsider at secondary school, found my tribe more at sixth form then Uni.
I’m friendly enough with school run mums to smile and say hello, a quick chat on the yard (I only do the school run one day per week, but then also see many at brownies drop off and other random things).
When I see groups of them who are friends outside of the school run with photos on Facebook of bottomless brunch etc I think “I’m glad they didn’t invite me as I wouldn’t enjoy that and I’d have to make up an excuse not to go”.

The only reason I possibly wish I was closer friends with any of them is that sometimes I see one mum collecting one or two other children belonging to their mum friend and I think that would be handy!

They’re just not your friends !! It really is just your perception of the situation . If you reframe it you’ll
feel better .
if you don’t want to lend your caravan just say it’s fully booked .

If you don’t want to sign passports tell people that your passport has expired which means you can’t do it. ( you need to have a valid passport ). Or say the last couple of times you done it you’ve had lengthy calls from the passport office and been questioned and struggled to answer some of the questions / it took up too much of your time. This happened to the man who signed our dds photos. Nothing dodgy and he’d known her since she was born and was my DH best friend of 15 years. They asked him all sorts , what colour was our front door, what was the nearest shop to our house, what was the quickest route from his house to ours, Where did we get married etc. Should be easy to blagg without right out saying “fuck off I’m not doing it cos you dont play with me”

if you want to make friends it sounds like there’s a lot of other parents left. Organise something with them. You wouldn’t romantically chase a man who wasn’t interested, it’s pretty much the same thing .

This.

I have a group of friends at my son’s school. We know each other for various different reasons. One I’ve known since our sons were in nursery, she lives around the corner and we have helped each other out with child care over the years. Another, I have spent many Saturdays standing on a sports field with. We have helped each other get through some very sad times (parental illness). Another one works in a similar field to me and we come across each other through our work. Finally, another who my son is very good friends with her son and we have bonded over that. I wouldn’t say it was a clique, but on the occasions that I see them at school I like to chat to them as they are my friends.

I think people are entitled to be friends with who they want - I still hang out with a group of "scout mums" even though our DCs have left scouts a long time ago.

It is very cheeky though to still be asking for basically free holiday accommodation. I hope you've said No. Just send a blanket response out to everyone to say that due to electricity and other costs you're no longer offering mates rates. Surprised you did it anyway- surely the whole point of having your own holiday home is so you can use it whenever you want.

Don't make a huge deal of it just say holiday home has been extremely popular this year and people have dibs on it but if there is a gap you will let them know.

Same for passport... I'm run off my feet

This is just a group of friends. When the kids start school, all of the mums are friendly with each other but it can't stay that way. Of course it will develop into smaller groups of friends, people who have similar lifestyles, hobbies and interests. Unless they are actively rude and unpleasant to others, you are being too sensitive.

So - a group of mums have become good friends?

Yabu.

There's no other time in society where people who like each other aren't allowed to become friends, just the school gates where apparently you must be friends with everyone, even people you have nothing in common with.