School Mum CF

[TellMeItsNotTrue]

Bit of a long one, will do TL,DR at bottom

Back story - don't want to drip feed
When my DS was in reception his best friends parents split up, dad was cheating and left mum with no cash and struggling to pay bills

So I sort of took her under my wing and helped where I could, I didn't have a lot but was happy to help. This including passing on my DS clothes when he outgrew them as he is taller than her DS - I had sold them before then as he grows so fast they barely get worn and it helps go towards the next size up

That was 4 and half years ago and a lot has changed. She is no longer struggling, weekly hair and nail appointments, her DS always seems to have the latest toy and the Prime drinks etc and is always bragging to my DS. They are ok with each other but I wouldn't say friends, and definitely not best friends anymore

So on to the CFness -
She still asks me for the clothes 🫤 I just stopped offering them but she started asking and I felt awkward saying "no, you can afford to buy them now" as looks can be deceiving etc and she must still be struggling a bit and just putting up appearances

The longer it's gone on the more I've tried to get away from it, by delaying getting back to her, saying I've not got anything at the moment etc but she keeps on and on at me

The real CF part
Our kids have been off this week, rather than last week like most, and there was a party today. Her DS wasn't invited so didn't see them there, but I did see another classmate wearing one of my DSs jumpers! Definitely his because my clever DG made it for him and she'd done the pattern herself

So I asked the child's DM "I love Xs jumper, where did you get it?" Only to be told "oh, well I shouldn't really be telling you this, don't want you getting in first 😂 but I bought it from CF. I've barely needed to buy anything else for years, I just buy the bags of clothes from her when she's got them" I was just stunned and didn't speak, so she carried on and said "I've just got 2 big asda bags full before we broke up, and DS loves that jumper, he's barely taken it off all week"

So now I know why CF has been hounding me for clothes, but I don't know how long it's been going on, the mum just said years and I didn't want to bring her into it so didn't ask how long or how much £ or anything

Now I need to work out what to do, I'm not looking forward to seeing CF at the school gates tomorrow. Any advice welcome, I'm currently circling through emotions/feelings and going from thinking I'll have a quiet word, to saying nothing, to kicking off and asking for the money

TL, DR - just found out CF school mum has been asking for bags of my DS clothes and then selling them on to another school mum behind my back for years and telling her not to tell anyone

Op I really don’t think she’ll give a shit or be embarrassed if you let her know that you know she sold the clothes. She has been brazen enough to ask you for more.

you’ve judged her by your own standards. You find the behaviour unacceptable. But she doesn’t, because she’s a CF.

CFs find a way of turning it round on you and making out that they are the victim when they are confronted or even being more cheeky.

thats why you should ask her to transfer half the sale proceeds. Speak to her in the language she understands: CF language.

I guess you'll be even more prepared for whatever request she might make of you and have your answer ready!

Onwards!

If you want to avoid confrontation just apologise and say you’re struggling at the moment and need to sell the clothes and can’t afford to give them away anymore. She can’t argue with that and no awkwardness for you. Unless you want to pull her up
on it.

Can you explain why the OP should apologise to the CF School Mum for not passing on clothes that the CF is selling on to other school mums?

I'm not understanding why an apology would be necessary but I might be missing something.

I agree, suggesting she apologise for no longer giving the other one more clothes is so feeble. How do people live like that, cowering?

Just tell her bluntly that you know she has been selling your DS's clothes on, you're hurt because you thought you were helping her out and that you'd have sold them yourself if you'd known as YOU could use the money too.

And that you definitely won't be giving her any more.

Did you get a chance to talk to her? @TellMeItsNotTrue

Oh please tell the update!

patiently waiting for update 🤣

OP,

I would be upfront, calm and clear.

I gave you the clothes as you led me to believe your son really needed them I've since found out you've been immediately selling them on. I would have sold them myself. I'm quite hurt about the whole thing.

Then close your mouth and under no circumstances fill the awkward silence.

When nice mum comes say "sorry if I had an odd reaction. I was so taken aback." Then spill.

Did you ever question her

I've not updated because there hasn't been any update 🙄 and I didn't want to bump it up and people think that I'd posted one

CF & DS have been MIA all week, another school mum mentioned yesterday how lucky they were to get away 😒 so I know they've gone on holiday but don't know any more than that.

I'm assuming he will be back in school on Monday, it's been a mix of emotions for me all week because I've been getting ready to speak to her every day and then they've not been there and I've not known why, so I'm hoping he is back on Monday

I'm back because there IS an update today 😊 met up with Nice mum and her DS today as planned.

I explained what had happened to NM and she was shocked and apologetic, I obviously told her there was nothing to apologise for. I explained that last weekend I was just shocked and didn't want to say something before I'd had chance to think about it and didn't want her to be caught in the middle of it, which she totally understood

I've told her that I'll be speaking to CF when her DS is next in school, so have asked her not to say anything before then and have said if she wants to act dumb afterwards then this conversation has never happened, as I don't want it coming back on her "why have you told her / why didn't you tell me she knew" as she's done nothing wrong

She isn't 100% sure exactly when she started buying the clothes, but within a year, probably towards the end of the same school year as I started giving them to CF 😒 which also coincides with her situation starting to improve and her not being as friendly with those that had been there through her rough patch 🙄 dropping us in favour of people better off

She was paying £20 a bag - usually 2 bags so £40 - but CF had the CF nerve to put it up to £30 a bag at the start of the school year because of cost of living!!!! 🤬 Though she did a discount of 2 bags for £55 🤬

Shocked at the price but DS does get some popular brands from his dad's side of the family, and it's usually 2 of the big bags for life, so she felt it was worth it

Think that's everything 🤔 boys had a great time, and we had a good catch up other than that conversation

Oh, just realised I didn't say that NMs DS turned up in the jumper my DG made 🥰 he loves it

I have a few photographs from today so I showed my DG and she was so happy to see someone else enjoying it 😊

People have said I shouldn't have given it away if I was sentimental about it, but it wasn't about that, maybe I didn't explain it well enough but it was just to show how I knew it was his and not "oh my DS had one like that" like the rest of the clothes would have been

I have things kept for each DC that my DG has made for them, as well as a few pieces that have gone through them all, but my DG has told me off in the past for keeping everything she made because it felt wrong to sell them or give them away, she says she makes them to be worn, not sit in a cupboard.

Thanks for the update OP. You are handling this exactly right IMO - I too would want to weigh things up before I spoke to nice mum. You sound like you are good at keeping a cool head so I'm sure you will have no problems telling CF straight what you think of her behaviour.

How much do you reckon it all adds up to? You should ask her for the money!

Thanks for the update.

Glad to hear your DG clothes are still being enjoyed.

She's gone on holiday with money she's made from flogging your DS' clothes 🙈😂

I'm trying not to think how much she's made from me over the years 😒 especially as I could have done with it myself when she started selling them, and I was selling them before I started giving them to her - which she was aware of, wonder if that's where she got the idea 😒

You've done a good deed & she's taken advantage. She should be ashamed of her behaviour. I think you should ask her for the cash.

So, it's done

She was already there when I got there, and not many other parents were so she was on her own. Not sure where they went, because I didn't bother to ask, but her face was tanned 😒

I said that, with their holiday, I'm guessing they won't have had chance to look through the clothes. She agreed.

Then I said that I know another parent who could do with the help too so if she could pass back anything he wouldn't wear then I'd pass them on. Could see she was a bit flustered by that, she said oh she forgot, they looked through yesterday and he loved everything 🙄

I acted surprised and said I didn't think he'd like a tv show that they are too old for, no no, apparently he loves that show 😂 he loved those bits. "Oh, that's funny 🤔 DS hasn't liked it in years, so there wasn't anything with those characters on..."

Could see her mind going, trying to come up with an answer. She said that she must be mistaken, because it was on in the background when they were looking through the clothes

I'd had enough of her bullshit by then so I just appeared to change the subject and mention the party and how much fun DS had. She looked relieved to be past the clothes conversation, then I said "where was saw NMs DS wearing a jumper my DG made for DS and we passed on to you

Honestly, her face wasn't bothered, it was a "good while it lasted" sort of look. Not like someone who had been caught ripping off two people

She didn't bother trying to explain that away, just shrugged and said her DS didn't like any of my DS clothes so, shrugged again

I had to bite my tongue, because I didn't want to make a scene, but I nearly exploded. I did say quietly "so you do the decent thing and return them, or refuse them, or maybe, just maybe, you don't pester me for them in the first place!"

I nearly added "when you've known for years that he doesn't like them as you've been selling them for years" but luckily I caught myself as I don't want to land NM in it

She said "well it's done now, nevermind" turned away and then turned back and said "oh but you won't tell anyone else about this will you?" Which makes me think that it's either not just me who she's been pulling this with, or she plans to pull it with someone else now!!!

I just said that I couldn't promise anything and walked away. By this time the playground was filling up and I walked over to some other parents so she couldn't come after me, and I've had my phone off since then so she can't try to contact me

Wonder how many other mums she’s been pulling this stunt with

Well done for confronting her @TellMeItsNotTrue

To be honest I think you were really PA with all the faux bullshit you pulled. And quite frankly, yeah she’s a CF, but it was never stipulated not to sell them on so 🤷‍♀️

You just need to move on and not pass on anymore clothes.

So you didn't tell her you knew she was selling them, sounds like she thinks you think she's just given the clothes to another mum.

Shameless.

I’d have nothing to do with her from now.