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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School Mum CF

261 replies

TellMeItsNotTrue · 26/02/2023 18:45

Bit of a long one, will do TL,DR at bottom

Back story - don't want to drip feed
When my DS was in reception his best friends parents split up, dad was cheating and left mum with no cash and struggling to pay bills

So I sort of took her under my wing and helped where I could, I didn't have a lot but was happy to help. This including passing on my DS clothes when he outgrew them as he is taller than her DS - I had sold them before then as he grows so fast they barely get worn and it helps go towards the next size up

That was 4 and half years ago and a lot has changed. She is no longer struggling, weekly hair and nail appointments, her DS always seems to have the latest toy and the Prime drinks etc and is always bragging to my DS. They are ok with each other but I wouldn't say friends, and definitely not best friends anymore

So on to the CFness -
She still asks me for the clothes 🫤 I just stopped offering them but she started asking and I felt awkward saying "no, you can afford to buy them now" as looks can be deceiving etc and she must still be struggling a bit and just putting up appearances

The longer it's gone on the more I've tried to get away from it, by delaying getting back to her, saying I've not got anything at the moment etc but she keeps on and on at me

The real CF part
Our kids have been off this week, rather than last week like most, and there was a party today. Her DS wasn't invited so didn't see them there, but I did see another classmate wearing one of my DSs jumpers! Definitely his because my clever DG made it for him and she'd done the pattern herself

So I asked the child's DM "I love Xs jumper, where did you get it?" Only to be told "oh, well I shouldn't really be telling you this, don't want you getting in first 😂 but I bought it from CF. I've barely needed to buy anything else for years, I just buy the bags of clothes from her when she's got them" I was just stunned and didn't speak, so she carried on and said "I've just got 2 big asda bags full before we broke up, and DS loves that jumper, he's barely taken it off all week"

So now I know why CF has been hounding me for clothes, but I don't know how long it's been going on, the mum just said years and I didn't want to bring her into it so didn't ask how long or how much £ or anything

Now I need to work out what to do, I'm not looking forward to seeing CF at the school gates tomorrow. Any advice welcome, I'm currently circling through emotions/feelings and going from thinking I'll have a quiet word, to saying nothing, to kicking off and asking for the money

TL, DR - just found out CF school mum has been asking for bags of my DS clothes and then selling them on to another school mum behind my back for years and telling her not to tell anyone

OP posts:
WaitingForEgg · 27/02/2023 09:06

You definitely need to confront her. This is top level CF

Original poster
TellMeItsNotTrue · 27/02/2023 09:55

Having slept on it last night, I've decided I'm going to say something this afternoon. I think it's just going to be bugging me until I do otherwise

I thought about the suggestions of asking CF for the jumper back, to see what she said, but I didn't want to put nice mum in an awkward position if she asked her for it back, especially as her son really likes it

Nice mum and DS are coming over on Saturday 😊

OP posts:
MamOfFive · 27/02/2023 10:00

TellMeItsNotTrue · 27/02/2023 09:55

Having slept on it last night, I've decided I'm going to say something this afternoon. I think it's just going to be bugging me until I do otherwise

I thought about the suggestions of asking CF for the jumper back, to see what she said, but I didn't want to put nice mum in an awkward position if she asked her for it back, especially as her son really likes it

Nice mum and DS are coming over on Saturday 😊

Let us know how it goes with the cf. I'd just say "I see you've been selling DS clothes to the other mums, I've decided in future I'll be cutting the middle man out and selling them myself so let me know if you want to buy them." Grin

Paq · 27/02/2023 10:02

Say something as it's bugging you but don't expect her to be anything but brash "I was doing you a favour taking that stuff off your hands". CFers have limitless quantities of front.

crimsonpeak · 27/02/2023 10:08

I’d be annoyed but I feel like I’d just learn from this experience and move on. No doubt she is a CF at all but you’re not going to get that money back, she is untrustworthy and it sounds like she could make life difficult for you and DS if you challenge her - just get a vibe that she could start saying things behind your back and that could lead to all sorts of unpleasantness for you and DS. Leave it, learn from it, move on.

jenny38 · 27/02/2023 10:09

"I saw x wearing my sons jumper at the party and understand it was sold on, along with other stuff I gave you. So I've opened up a vinted account and will ge selling them on that way now- every penny helps, doesn't it?". No need to engage in an emotional confrontation. She will get the message. If she protests, just say let's draw a line under it and change the subject. That way you are not a push over, you are not providing fodder for the school gossips, and should your boys want to hang out again in later years, it will be ok.

cjcghana · 27/02/2023 10:18

Some people have no shame!! First degree CF

Sharpbridge · 27/02/2023 10:27

Wow, that’s upsetting, being taken advantage of by someone you helped.

I’d probably message her and say something like “Hi, I’ve noticed that you’ve been selling on the clothes I gave to your DS instead of using them for him. As you clearly don’t need them anymore I’m going back to selling them myself like I used to.”

If you want to clear the air you could add something like “I do wish you’d mentioned that you don’t need the clothes anymore and just wanted to make money out of them. I don’t feel you’ve been straight with me and that leaves a really bad taste in my mouth, especially as I was trying to help you.”

Jaffacakesarenotabiscuit · 27/02/2023 10:34

I’d say something

I am saying this purely out of experience of a similar position - CF mum at our school too. Did the whole ‘us single Mums need to look out for each other routine’ - gave her utterly HUGE bags of my DDs clothes. Some barely worn which I could have sold as I was struggling a little too

Anyway - few months later CF mum went off on her holidays to Florida

AND later still, spotted lots of her for sale posts including some of DDs clothes

More recently she accepted some very expensive children’s bedroom furnishings from another friend for free (think along the line of curtains that were like £1k a pair - I kid you not) which if I’m being honest, can’t imagine her DD being into the theme of them so I’ve no doubt she will be selling these on too

Moonlightdust · 27/02/2023 11:35

skilpadde · 26/02/2023 19:00

So, if it wasn't for CF, you'd be selling the clothes.

You've identified the exact person (party mum) who'll want to buy what you're selling.

Just sell your bags of clothing direct to party mum, and cut out the CF middle-woman.

When CF next asks for clothes, raise an eyebrow and tell her no, you're be selling them on directly to party mum from now on.

Yes this. Sell to the lady who has been buying them! Other mum has definitely taken advantage.

IVFlife · 27/02/2023 12:44

V cheeky!

SpookyBlackCat · 27/02/2023 13:06

I wouldn't ask for the money but I think you're right to call her out for this. However, I expect she'll think that she's done nothing wrong.

Jedsnewstar · 27/02/2023 15:45

SpookyBlackCat · 27/02/2023 13:06

I wouldn't ask for the money but I think you're right to call her out for this. However, I expect she'll think that she's done nothing wrong.

I agree with this. CF never really care that much.

nokidshere · 27/02/2023 15:57

No one can make you give clothes, you chose to do that, even after her circumstances improved. Once the clothes have left you it doesn't matter what the next person does with them because they aren't yours any longer. If you had needed the money you would have sold them yourself.

There's nothing to be gained from making the mum who bought them feel bad. She bought them in good faith and it would be a bit shitty to tell her.

You can't give gifts with strings. Either give them away and forget about them, charity shop them or sell them yourself.

Garrie · 27/02/2023 16:03

I would tell her you are really unhappy about it.

BollocksToThem · 27/02/2023 16:09

i bet she turns it round like she's doing you a favour
cheeky cow if she does and i'd let everyone know too

Thatboymum · 27/02/2023 16:12

I wouldn’t say a thing to the other mum who bought it I think that would be an unfair position to put her in but I also wouldn’t initially say anything to CF I’d be passive aggressive in any interaction with her and then when she asks me for more I would say sorry I’m going to sell them as it seems you’ve made quite a profit over the years so better in my pocket than yours and then never speak again

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 27/02/2023 16:37

Just when I think I can't be surprised by the brass neck of some people someone lowers the bar again.

Cheeky mare.

LookItsMeAgain · 27/02/2023 16:52

Have you met with the Cheeky School Mum yet @TellMeItsNotTrue ?

How did it go?

longtompot · 27/02/2023 17:17

Not the point of the thread but I couldn't give away a jumper made for my child by their great grandmother. I've kept the items mine were made and my kids played with them on their toys.

Hut you are nbu and she is indeed a cf. I hope the chat goes well

XanaduKira · 27/02/2023 18:19

longtompot · 27/02/2023 17:17

Not the point of the thread but I couldn't give away a jumper made for my child by their great grandmother. I've kept the items mine were made and my kids played with them on their toys.

Hut you are nbu and she is indeed a cf. I hope the chat goes well

Some people are just more sentimental than others - I love getting rid of stuff they r grown out of, no matter their origins. What do you plan to do with this stuff in future - look at it and reminisce? I can do that with photos / memories, no need for the actual garment to take up space.

Greeno999 · 27/02/2023 18:56

100% cf. I’d be fuming

Original poster
TellMeItsNotTrue · 27/02/2023 21:53

Sorry, Mondays are always chaotic with clubs and I've not had a moment to myself tonight to update

Unfortunately nothing happened, her DS wasn't in school today 😒

Only just realised, it will be because of the strike tomorrow, she's kept him off before other strike days or random inset etc to make a long weekend sort of thing in the past

OP posts:
longtompot · 27/02/2023 22:05

XanaduKira · 27/02/2023 18:19

Some people are just more sentimental than others - I love getting rid of stuff they r grown out of, no matter their origins. What do you plan to do with this stuff in future - look at it and reminisce? I can do that with photos / memories, no need for the actual garment to take up space.

Show quote history

Pass it on to the next generation I hope. I don't know if any of mine will have kids, or if any of my nieces and nephews will, but it would be nice to give them something made in the 90s 😊

XanaduKira · 27/02/2023 22:36

That's assuming they'd want it @longtompot - I wouldn't have thanked my mum for that kind of thing (& nor would she have kept something for 20-30 years on off chance that me or my brother would want it!). Like I said, some of us just aren't sentimental for objects and id rather see it go to good use now than hold onto something for decades.