School Mum CF

[TellMeItsNotTrue]

Bit of a long one, will do TL,DR at bottom

Back story - don't want to drip feed
When my DS was in reception his best friends parents split up, dad was cheating and left mum with no cash and struggling to pay bills

So I sort of took her under my wing and helped where I could, I didn't have a lot but was happy to help. This including passing on my DS clothes when he outgrew them as he is taller than her DS - I had sold them before then as he grows so fast they barely get worn and it helps go towards the next size up

That was 4 and half years ago and a lot has changed. She is no longer struggling, weekly hair and nail appointments, her DS always seems to have the latest toy and the Prime drinks etc and is always bragging to my DS. They are ok with each other but I wouldn't say friends, and definitely not best friends anymore

So on to the CFness -
She still asks me for the clothes 🫤 I just stopped offering them but she started asking and I felt awkward saying "no, you can afford to buy them now" as looks can be deceiving etc and she must still be struggling a bit and just putting up appearances

The longer it's gone on the more I've tried to get away from it, by delaying getting back to her, saying I've not got anything at the moment etc but she keeps on and on at me

The real CF part
Our kids have been off this week, rather than last week like most, and there was a party today. Her DS wasn't invited so didn't see them there, but I did see another classmate wearing one of my DSs jumpers! Definitely his because my clever DG made it for him and she'd done the pattern herself

So I asked the child's DM "I love Xs jumper, where did you get it?" Only to be told "oh, well I shouldn't really be telling you this, don't want you getting in first 😂 but I bought it from CF. I've barely needed to buy anything else for years, I just buy the bags of clothes from her when she's got them" I was just stunned and didn't speak, so she carried on and said "I've just got 2 big asda bags full before we broke up, and DS loves that jumper, he's barely taken it off all week"

So now I know why CF has been hounding me for clothes, but I don't know how long it's been going on, the mum just said years and I didn't want to bring her into it so didn't ask how long or how much £ or anything

Now I need to work out what to do, I'm not looking forward to seeing CF at the school gates tomorrow. Any advice welcome, I'm currently circling through emotions/feelings and going from thinking I'll have a quiet word, to saying nothing, to kicking off and asking for the money

TL, DR - just found out CF school mum has been asking for bags of my DS clothes and then selling them on to another school mum behind my back for years and telling her not to tell anyone

Yes of course she is outrageous but you have done your bit.

From what you have described, she will do and has done this to many people. Chalk it up to experience and if she does get pushy, you can ignore it. She won't just be tapping you up but others too.

You were trying to do a kind thing and she has totally taken advantage of you.

If you feel confident enough to, I would message her and say exactly how you felt - say you tried to help her when she was going through hard times and feel upset she has taken advantage of your kindness.

Whatever the outcome, I doubt she will be asking you for clothes again if she knows you know! 😀

Missing the point, but what does TL-DR mean at the end of the OP??

You just need to be truthful. Next time she asks for clothes say no. The clothes were meant as a gift for wee Timmy and not to be sold on.

Are you FB friends with party mum?

Perhaps post a memory of your child in his fav jumper? See if she says anything.

How interesting that she's found who to sell them on offline.
How does that work? I'd be embarrassed to ask someone I see often if they're looking to buy my child's old clothes... I imagine she didn't post on FB marketplace as OP could've spotted... Just selling locally when she knows they were gifted to her for her child is very audacious.

She's saving on postage and all sorts of fees, isn't she. Lol.

Anyway, I'd definitely tell the party mum so she knows not to buy from cf mum anymore.
And I'd be honest with cf telling her you'd do what you were doing previously I.e selling to help with the cost for the next size up.

Do people sell a bag of second hand clothes for much these days? All that hounding for a few quid?

I would confront the bitch and have it out with her or I would send her uk the garden path with a promise of a bag of designer gear you were gifted and don't want. Let her hound you and then just block her.

Tinkerbell1980

I'd text her saying I'd accidentally added said jumper to the bag and could I pop and grab it back in half an hour because it's his favourite....

Definitely do this!

When you pass clothes on you give up any further say about what happens to them. Just say you’ve passed them onto someone else. So what if she’s made a few ££ it’s a massive effort selling secondhand clothes can’t imagine they would have sold for much.

When you pass clothes on you give up any further say about what happens to them. Just say you’ve passed them onto someone else. So what if she’s made a few ££ it’s a massive effort selling secondhand clothes can’t imagine they would have sold for much.

Its very different taking something and selling it on and hounding a person for the free goods.

Think you glossed over that bit.

TLDR means too long didn't read
As everyone's attention span is next to nothing these days!

Yes to asking for a specific jumper back.
Yes to make her squirm. And obviously say NO if asked for any more clothes.

Perfect solution.
You get the cash and CF will seethe - but won't be able to say a thing about it.
How satisfying!

I would definitely clear the air tommorrow completely.
tell her you know what she’s doing and no you won’t be passing any more clothes on to her.
If you don’t say it all youll just be stressed about her potentially asking again.

slate clean.

This is perfect.

You seem to be in two minds about whether or not to say something.

What happens if you separate the act of giving charity from the actions of the woman who received your son’s clothes?

Lots of people believe charity is central to a life well-lived, and is of great benefit to the giver, as a spiritual act, as well as to the world at large. The charitable giving itself is what matters, and if it’s done with reservation, that can lead to regret and resentment, which isn’t in the spirit of charity. That’s why we don’t ask the person in a wet sleeping bag on the street what they plan to do with the £5 note. We don’t wait for the rest of the day to find out whether they spend it on baby food or smack; ultimately, we either give or don’t, and go on our way.

Even if she’s not on the actual bones of her arse anymore, I can think of numerous inoffensive scenarios where she took your son’s gear in good faith but subsequently decided the clothes weren’t what she needed, or else that she didn’t need them as much as she needed the money. Maybe the woman who bought your son’s out-grown outfits is in a sticky financial position too, so now you’ve helped two people instead of one. Or maybe, as a lot of posters think, she’s a cheeky fucker and it was a deliberate scam.

Whichever way it played, I’d say it’s better to focus on the good thing you did, and the reasons why, than to diminish your kindness by judgement or recrimination. I’d also be really pleased DGM’s skill brought another kid so much pride and happiness he wouldn’t otherwise have had. You did a nice thing and it’s human to be irked, but I don’t know what good it does you either.

The audacity!!!

I would either block her. Then wait for her to approach me in the playground where I would just turn and walk away.

Or I’d wait for her to message and just reply “I gave you DS clothes to help you out, I did not give them to you so you could sell them on and make money off of me. You’re a cheeky cunt, don’t message me again”

Of course it is legally fraud if she has solicited donations and deceived the donor about the use those donations are being put to.

That is literally the definition of fraud!

There isn't really anything that can be done about it at this stage, but I would certainly be telling her what I thought of her, and asking for the profits

Next time she asks, reply with "I'll sell them to you for x amount"

You don't need to report it all to the other Mums. Keep it nice; your kids will know each other for years.
It was ingenious of her to make a business out of reselling clothes. It is great for the planet to reuse.
I think I would explain that the better clothes you now donate to charity XX .. and that her son might enjoy choosing his own style from there.
The fact that she did not tell you she was selling them is the worst part of this story. Somehow you have to build a bridge and get over her secretiveness. Stand tall and give to charity.

Could you not just say, "Oh, I was happy to give them to you when you needed them for your son but XX was telling me how you sell them on so we have agreed that I will just sell them to her myself now." ?

I would have to tell her, I couldn't see her all the time and act normally.

I'd just say I was really disappointed to find out and you wont be passing anymore clothes on to her.

The way she pestered you for more clothes is the worst part, very dishonest and a big CF.

I wouldn't say anything until next time she asks for them and just tell her you are selling them so you can afford to buy more clothes for your son.

Awful behaviour. However, I’m also really surprised at giving away a hand knitted jumper from a grandmother. That would be keepsake for me.

I would just act normally until she asks for clothes again and reply with 'yes, I have another bag, what's the going rate? £?'

This!!!

Well said@Rinkydinkydoodle .