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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School Mum CF

261 replies

TellMeItsNotTrue · 26/02/2023 18:45

Bit of a long one, will do TL,DR at bottom

Back story - don't want to drip feed
When my DS was in reception his best friends parents split up, dad was cheating and left mum with no cash and struggling to pay bills

So I sort of took her under my wing and helped where I could, I didn't have a lot but was happy to help. This including passing on my DS clothes when he outgrew them as he is taller than her DS - I had sold them before then as he grows so fast they barely get worn and it helps go towards the next size up

That was 4 and half years ago and a lot has changed. She is no longer struggling, weekly hair and nail appointments, her DS always seems to have the latest toy and the Prime drinks etc and is always bragging to my DS. They are ok with each other but I wouldn't say friends, and definitely not best friends anymore

So on to the CFness -
She still asks me for the clothes 🫤 I just stopped offering them but she started asking and I felt awkward saying "no, you can afford to buy them now" as looks can be deceiving etc and she must still be struggling a bit and just putting up appearances

The longer it's gone on the more I've tried to get away from it, by delaying getting back to her, saying I've not got anything at the moment etc but she keeps on and on at me

The real CF part
Our kids have been off this week, rather than last week like most, and there was a party today. Her DS wasn't invited so didn't see them there, but I did see another classmate wearing one of my DSs jumpers! Definitely his because my clever DG made it for him and she'd done the pattern herself

So I asked the child's DM "I love Xs jumper, where did you get it?" Only to be told "oh, well I shouldn't really be telling you this, don't want you getting in first 😂 but I bought it from CF. I've barely needed to buy anything else for years, I just buy the bags of clothes from her when she's got them" I was just stunned and didn't speak, so she carried on and said "I've just got 2 big asda bags full before we broke up, and DS loves that jumper, he's barely taken it off all week"

So now I know why CF has been hounding me for clothes, but I don't know how long it's been going on, the mum just said years and I didn't want to bring her into it so didn't ask how long or how much £ or anything

Now I need to work out what to do, I'm not looking forward to seeing CF at the school gates tomorrow. Any advice welcome, I'm currently circling through emotions/feelings and going from thinking I'll have a quiet word, to saying nothing, to kicking off and asking for the money

TL, DR - just found out CF school mum has been asking for bags of my DS clothes and then selling them on to another school mum behind my back for years and telling her not to tell anyone

OP posts:
jmh740 · 26/02/2023 19:03

Id be tempted to tell her you put the jumper in by accident ut has sentimental value and you would like it back to see what she says.
Just tell her you've heard she wasn't keeping them anymore so you've given them to someone else

StaunchMomma · 26/02/2023 19:04

"Oh, by the way - there won't be any more big bags of clothes, I'm afraid. I've decided to sell them on to _'s Mum for profit myself! Bye"

TidyDancer · 26/02/2023 19:05

Wow she's shameless! What a nasty thing to do.

I think I'd sit on this until the next time she asks. Then I'd tell her no because you'll be selling the clothes. If she pushes it you could say you know that's what she's been doing.

Original poster
TellMeItsNotTrue · 26/02/2023 19:05

Shinyandnew1 · 26/02/2023 18:52

I would have told the mum at the party that they were my DS’s clothes. I’m surprised if it’s a really distinctive jumper nobody had seen it before and that your son didn’t say anything to him.

Had you told her, that would have partially solved the problem as CF would have been shown up and it would have got back to her as well.

I’m guessing because you didn’t say anything at the time and you’ve carried on giving her clothes despite her not needing them, that you’re not keen on confrontation, so wouldn’t bother talking to her.

Next time CF asks you for clothes, just say you’re going to sell them.

There haven't been that many parties when it's been that cold, the majority of the boys seem to have birthdays February onwards, with a few at the start of school year

There was a trampoline party in December but too hot running around to wear a jumper so didn't have it on then 🤔 there was a party in November but I can't remember if he wore it or not.

Other people wouldn't know you couldn't buy it though, I only knew it was his because my DG designed it with characters he likes on, to anyone else it would just look like a normal character jumper

OP posts:
mangosmoothieisthebest · 26/02/2023 19:06

I'd tell her next time that you are
going to sell them to the other mum directly!

itsgettingweird · 26/02/2023 19:06

Next time she asks for clothes just reply "I've decided to sell them on seeing how much money you've made over the years doing the same"

No need to confront or get cross as if you pass something on they can do what they like with it. But just be clear you won't be from now and and that you know why she woman's them!

Turnthelightoff · 26/02/2023 19:06

Next time she asks just say you’ve found out that another mum would actually love them and give you some money for them so you hope she understands.

custardbear · 26/02/2023 19:07

I'd ask her to give you back the bags of clothes as you've put something in that shouldn't be in there ... watch her squirm

Dukekaboom · 26/02/2023 19:09

ChicoryDip · 26/02/2023 18:55

Not much you can do now about the clothes that you've already given her even though it's frustrating.

I would just stop passing things on.

No need to give elaborate excuses. If she is cheeky enough to ask you directly you just have to say 'sorry, I don't have anything to pass on' and change the subject.

Agreed there isn’t a lot you can do about the clothes already given. But personally I absolutely would not be saying “sorry” to this person. I would outright say, if asked, that having been made aware that the clothes were being sold, I wouldn’t be passing any more on. Not a chance I would be apologising for this?!

ArseMenagerie · 26/02/2023 19:12

ArmchairAnarchist2 · 26/02/2023 18:54

Next time she asks tell her you gave them to the other school mum.

Perfect

BrutusMcDogface · 26/02/2023 19:14

Omg! I would actually just give them to the other mum, too (unless you really need the money). What a bloody cow.

IridescentShadow · 26/02/2023 19:14

When I passed things on, if they had cost me nothing, I asked the Recipients to pass them on for free if they didn't need them themselves.

When I received something, I always asked what they wanted me to do with them when I had finished.

ThereIbledit · 26/02/2023 19:15

You would be well within your rights to be perfectly brazen about this.

"I'm sorry I was quiet earlier today (othermum), it's because those bags of clothes are hand me downs from my son I've been giving to CFmum to try to help her out when she wa struggling. I'm gobsmacked that she's straight up selling them, and she's been hassling me for more for months/years now!"

to CFmum
"I stopped selling my own son's clothes and gave you bags of clothes in good faith that your son needed them. I'm aware that you've been selling them straight on - as you obviously don't need them for your son I'll be selling them myself from now on. They'll be £10 a bag if you want them You cheeky skanky bitch"

TryingHard1990 · 26/02/2023 19:16

I wouldn’t say anything. I’d wait till next time she asks and say X mum said she’d buy them direct from me and cut out the middle man!

daydreaming4 · 26/02/2023 19:17

Short simple answer well following what you told me I'm also thinking of making a few quid out of things I don't need

IncompleteSenten · 26/02/2023 19:17

Next time she asks just say to her I decided to start selling them myself.

MrsScrubbingbrush · 26/02/2023 19:18

I'd say to CF "Sorry but I've decided to cut out the middle man and sell them direct to party mum"

MrsScrubbingbrush · 26/02/2023 19:19

TryingHard1990 · 26/02/2023 19:16

I wouldn’t say anything. I’d wait till next time she asks and say X mum said she’d buy them direct from me and cut out the middle man!

Whoops cross posted!

ShimmeringShirts · 26/02/2023 19:20

If you’re going to give them away for free I’d be giving them to the mum who’s buying them as her son clearly wears them!

ijustneedanamefgs · 26/02/2023 19:20

Well the upside is you never have to give her anything again, so you are out of that self imposed obligation. Obviously she’s in the wrong, but if she has nerve enough to do it, it’s unlikely she’s going to resolve it satisfactorily. Draw a line under it. It’s done. I would tell the other parent though! At least you have a customer going forward

Cocobutt · 26/02/2023 19:20

It’s not the other mums fault so I wouldn’t have said anything to her.

I would be texting the CF now and saying that you spoke to X because her DS had the jumper that you gave him on and X said you’d sold the clothes to her.
Say that you are annoyed because if she didn’t need them then you would have given them to someone who needed them more.

She is probably going to lie and come up with some excuse which you won’t be able to prove but at least you won’t need to give her any more clothes from now on.

dapsnotplimsolls · 26/02/2023 19:22

'Sorry, I'll be selling them to x next time as her son likes them so much.'

MzHz · 26/02/2023 19:23

I’d tell CFmum that you’ve cut out the middle man and are giving them to the other mum yourself

you should have got a photo of other mum’s kid and your dc together and put it on FB…

MargaretThursday · 26/02/2023 19:23

Is there any possibility that CF mum has used the clothes and now her ds has grown out of them? Or she puts ones he's grown out of plus any he doesn't want from your bag in to sell.
If it's distinctive then it may not be his taste.
Surely you must have realised if you never saw him in your clothes?

The other thing I'd say is I had a friend in similar situation. She was so determined that the children wouldn't miss out on anything she went for several years not denying them anything. Got into huge debt to do so. Before he left her, she wasn't like that at all, so it may be things like him having latest toys etc are a bit like that. I think with my friend it was partially guilt-she didn't want them to blame her in any way so went OTT to make up for it.

What I would do:
First talk to the other mother. Tell her exactly what you've put here. That you've been giving her the clothes, although you could have done with the money yourself, to help her out. That you recognised the jumper because it was made especially.

Then tell CF that you need the money and will be selling the clothes yourself from now on.

quinceh · 26/02/2023 19:23

"Sorry, I'm not going to be passing clothes on anymore."

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