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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School Mum CF

261 replies

TellMeItsNotTrue · 26/02/2023 18:45

Bit of a long one, will do TL,DR at bottom

Back story - don't want to drip feed
When my DS was in reception his best friends parents split up, dad was cheating and left mum with no cash and struggling to pay bills

So I sort of took her under my wing and helped where I could, I didn't have a lot but was happy to help. This including passing on my DS clothes when he outgrew them as he is taller than her DS - I had sold them before then as he grows so fast they barely get worn and it helps go towards the next size up

That was 4 and half years ago and a lot has changed. She is no longer struggling, weekly hair and nail appointments, her DS always seems to have the latest toy and the Prime drinks etc and is always bragging to my DS. They are ok with each other but I wouldn't say friends, and definitely not best friends anymore

So on to the CFness -
She still asks me for the clothes 🫤 I just stopped offering them but she started asking and I felt awkward saying "no, you can afford to buy them now" as looks can be deceiving etc and she must still be struggling a bit and just putting up appearances

The longer it's gone on the more I've tried to get away from it, by delaying getting back to her, saying I've not got anything at the moment etc but she keeps on and on at me

The real CF part
Our kids have been off this week, rather than last week like most, and there was a party today. Her DS wasn't invited so didn't see them there, but I did see another classmate wearing one of my DSs jumpers! Definitely his because my clever DG made it for him and she'd done the pattern herself

So I asked the child's DM "I love Xs jumper, where did you get it?" Only to be told "oh, well I shouldn't really be telling you this, don't want you getting in first 😂 but I bought it from CF. I've barely needed to buy anything else for years, I just buy the bags of clothes from her when she's got them" I was just stunned and didn't speak, so she carried on and said "I've just got 2 big asda bags full before we broke up, and DS loves that jumper, he's barely taken it off all week"

So now I know why CF has been hounding me for clothes, but I don't know how long it's been going on, the mum just said years and I didn't want to bring her into it so didn't ask how long or how much £ or anything

Now I need to work out what to do, I'm not looking forward to seeing CF at the school gates tomorrow. Any advice welcome, I'm currently circling through emotions/feelings and going from thinking I'll have a quiet word, to saying nothing, to kicking off and asking for the money

TL, DR - just found out CF school mum has been asking for bags of my DS clothes and then selling them on to another school mum behind my back for years and telling her not to tell anyone

OP posts:

Greydogs123 · 26/02/2023 19:42

Next time she asks just say “I’ll be selling any clothes from now on, cost of living crisis and all that”. That way you don’t have to confront her if you don’t want to and she can hardly say anything back, can she?

SeenYourArse · 26/02/2023 19:43

I don’t understand at all why this is even a question?! Do people have no backbone anymore and afraid to even stand up for themselves! Next time you see her tell her outright her little business has been shut down for good as you’re now cutting out the middleman and selling them yourself! I’d also tell her to think herself lucky you aren’t asking for your share of her profit!

berksandbeyond · 26/02/2023 19:43

I’d tell the cheeky fucker you’re going to sell them directly to the other mum from now on and cut out the middle man.

How embarrassing for her! I would also make sure the rest of the mums heard about this but maybe I’m a bitch…

Couldyounot · 26/02/2023 19:43

I'd just give the stuff to charity in future

Testina · 26/02/2023 19:44

Don’t be so wet!
Before you get to the other buyer part, it’s obvious that you just have to say, “no more clothes - I’m selling them on as bundles now to make some cash”.
Not complicated, not a lie - and not that you have to justify anything, but it’s obviously justifiable.

As for the selling on…

You’ve been getting all the feels “taking her under your wing” - which sounded horribly patronising. Just because you’re short of money and receiving charity, doesn’t make you in the need of a “wing”. But, she didn’t know you were giving up the money from selling them. For some people, having someone to pass stuff on to is a win/win - no trip to charity shop, and pretty direct feel good. Once given - they’re hers. You could have asked for them back once grown out of and sold them anyway - but chose not to. So she’s not a “CF”.

So I don’t think you should say anything - not because of not being assertive, just I think she’s used the clothes in a way beneficial to her, and surely that was the aim of your charity? Just not the exact form you wanted.

JaffaCake70 · 26/02/2023 19:46

skilpadde · 26/02/2023 19:00

So, if it wasn't for CF, you'd be selling the clothes.

You've identified the exact person (party mum) who'll want to buy what you're selling.

Just sell your bags of clothing direct to party mum, and cut out the CF middle-woman.

When CF next asks for clothes, raise an eyebrow and tell her no, you're be selling them on directly to party mum from now on.

This

LaughingCat · 26/02/2023 19:47

NO! This really is CFery to the next level. Unbelievable.

I’d wait until she next asks and tell her that you’ll be selling them directly to X’s mum from now on. Then walk away.

SuffolkUnicorn · 26/02/2023 19:47

What a bitch I would have told the mum at the party what she had done

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 26/02/2023 19:48

tell her straight - Money is tight so I will be selling his clothes for a profit from now on. I will be happy to offer you first refusal if you are interested.

if she is interested bump the prices right up.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 26/02/2023 19:51

Also - a small point but maybe significant. If the designs your mum are making are so very desirable and marketable, should you be offering her a share of any profits from the second hand value? If it was my mum she would probably decline them, but I would feel the need to offer.

Cherrysoup · 26/02/2023 19:56

‘Given you’re just selling them on, I think I’ll just do the same, so no, you can’t have them’.

CandlelightGlow · 26/02/2023 19:57

Sorry this has probably been said but the DC are obviously getting older, just use the excuse of "growth is slowing down and I've been buying slightly bigger sizes in the first place to save money".

That way you don't have to explain anything to her and she can't complain.

backinthestoneage · 26/02/2023 19:57

Classic - no good deed goes unpunished!

You were kind for far too long.

ToLongToCharge · 26/02/2023 19:57

Surely its not hard

You arent having anymore clothes of sons
I know you have been selling them !
And you walk away

Weallhaveavoice · 26/02/2023 20:00

I’d come clean and just say youre a bit disappointed / upset you were never told she was selling them on and you’d be giving everything to your favourite charity shop in future.

She’s nagging you for the clothes making out she can5 afford stuff and preying on your kindness.

Id be upset and actually feel used.

rwalker · 26/02/2023 20:03

You need to wait till she asks you again then say no you’ve been selling them
keep it brief calm and direct
say very little just leave a silence let her talk

if she disputes it tell her about the jumper

Eatentoomanyroses · 26/02/2023 20:05

Well I’ve read some bloody things. Jesus! What a cheek!
I don’t think I’d say anything as tempting as it is to avoid animosity but definitely no more clothes for her.

WelshNerd · 26/02/2023 20:07

I might be completely missing the point but if a friend/acquaintance of mine was begging for clothes to sell on, I'd feel pretty sad for them. A bag of clothes isn't going to sell for much more than a couple of quid so she's not going to be funding hair appointments and the like solely through your son's old jumpers.

PoorMrsNorris · 26/02/2023 20:14

I think you could have some fun with this...

Method 1 -

I'm thinking a bag filled with awful clothes, old towels and crap, with a helium balloon that says CHEEKY Clothes selling F##ker on it!

Method 2 -

If not I'd wait until she asks and say,

"I do have a huge bag, there's a few (fancy label) clothes in there. I'll bring it tomorrow"... tomorrow will NEVER come... and she will continue to ask you forever... and eventually you could put her out of her misery. Either by saying you know, or by Method 1.
😂😅😂

MeridianB · 26/02/2023 20:16

What a horrible abuse of your friendship and generosity.

She’s not your friend.

Cut off the relationship clothes. I think she deserves to be called out on her poor behaviour but if you really can’t just drop her completely.

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 26/02/2023 20:21

If she asks I would say, ‘I’ve decided to start selling to school mum directly, so I can afford to get my nails done’ and walk away!

ANGIEPANGY77 · 26/02/2023 20:21

Tell her you've decided to take a page out of her book and sell them.

CheshireSplat · 26/02/2023 20:23

After all you've done for her that's horrid.

I'd be tempted to give her one last bag, with a note attached to the inside of each item of clothing for the next mum to find. Someone wittier than me can write the note ....

RainbowsTulipsChocolate · 26/02/2023 20:23