Eldest Child and In-Law Wedding

[StarbucksSally]

Brother-in-law split up with a long-term Partner at the beginning of the pandemic because of his unwillingness to get married. I think he was shocked that she left.

He is now marrying someone else. She seems a lovely woman; but consensus is he is marrying her as he doesn’t want to lose her.

DH is best man but children were not invited. MiL went batshit and I was upset. I think DH had his ego bruised that the kids weren’t invited. I said nothing and while I was upset thought it was their wedding.

They had a site that they signed up to and the bios of the wedding party were on and lo and behold there were a flower girl and ring bearer.

DH and MiL spoke to BiL and he seemed scared to rock the boat but on Friday invitations arrived for our youngest children that I share with DH. My eldest who is 12 is not included. MiL is not willing to intervene and DH spoke with BiL who absolutely won’t as bride.

DH has asked me to ask their dad to have her.

I am going to decline wedding. DH refuses point blank to let me decline for all the children. He wants his children there and thinks we will look stupid anyway if we now decline their invitations after all the fuss.

Their Wedding, Their Choice also translates to an equation rarely considered when making it all about you and Your Day.

Actions = consequences.

There is no 'should' about SiL's attendance at the wedding at all, and that's with the disclaimer that in her shoes I wouldn't be writing either DH or MiL any thank you notes for their interference.

Weddings! More trouble than they're bloody worth.

Weddings! More trouble than they're bloody worth.

on mumsnet, yes.

not that I experienced or attended, no

Where they’ve been joyous, loving and wonderful days

As the SIL you really should be at the wedding, rather than any of your children, gonna look very strange if you don’t go, and it could ruin your relationship with the happy couple.

But why on earth would the OP prioritise her relationship with the "happy couple" over and above the feelings of her own dd?

Of course, it's their right to exclude the OP's dd from their wedding if they choose, but then they must equally respect the OP's right not to attend without her. If anyone has "ruined the relationship", then it is the "happy couple" themselves.

Not sure if I could be arsed to care about a relationship with people who think it's OK to pointedly exclude a 12yo child tbh. My priority would be to minimise any impact on my dc.

Oh, I've seen full on weddingzilla. Quite a sight to behold.

No day of happy celebration should be stressful (cf. also Christmas) - it's as stressful as those concerned choose to make it.

We eloped and had a quiet wedding in the sun. Never regretted it and I'd do the same again.

@MavisMcMinty

i will take a punt.

you don’t have children?

Yanbu

You should decline. Wild horses wouldn't get me to a wedding where only one of my children had been left out.

I think their behaviour is outrageous tbh. You don't split a family like that.

All kids go, or none go. Send husband on his own.

Thank you for accepting what I said about my own family with good grace. It's alot more than can be said for many a poster on here.
As for the risk, not sure it's any more of a risk than having a nuclear family. They go wrong, too, hence the existence of step parents. Everyone just has to figure out the best way forward for themselves and any children involved, and that may look different for different people.

I wasn’t going to return to the post as I don’t really have anything to say. MiL is mortified about what she has unleashed in asking for children to be included. She is genuinely upset about what has happened. She has spoken to the bride. While they only wanted the two little attendants she conceded that BiL could have his brother’s children as well once it kicked off with my husband. They briefly spoke about my eldest and bride conceded that she did not know the ins and outs of her minimal contact with her dad but they both felt that to include her would mean they would have to include the cousins’ kids.

I recognise this brings out into the open who they regard as family and my daughter clearly isn’t while 1st cousins once removed are!

The only added drama is BiL is going to ask his Godson, cousin’s 13 year old to be an usher (one usher dropped out as his wife’s due date clashes)but the sibling won’t be invited.

I am never going to convince posters who think my DH is a controlling ogre. He isn’t, but he won’t punish his kids who are actually related because someone who isn’t hasn’t been invited.

He regards her as family but understands that his family might not.

I have actually never met my eldest’s aunts and uncles. When her father takes her to meet them if they are in London I notice the uncles always give her cash and chocolate but the aunt gave her a present but vhovto share with her siblings.

I won’t post again unless I hear there is drama about usher’s sister.

Should read chocolate to share with siblings.

I feel sorry for the bride. She is marrying into a family that has managed to turn her wedding into an issue about them, their children, and grandchildren all because they felt inclined to disagree with the couples decision to have a child free wedding.

Just think if the happy couple had been left to their own
devices, none of the subsequent issues would be fodder for online discussion.

I’m sorry @StarbucksSally but if you seriously cannot see that this is your husband treating your eldest daughter as not as important as his bio children then you are a deluded fool and it’s very likely that your eldest daughter will be on here in a few years time writing about her issues with her family and how she was excluded . It’s very sad .

If push came to shove she probably isn’t as important but it’s his brother’s wedding and the BiL clearly doesn’t see her as important even compared to his cousins’ kids.

If DH didn’t go to his brother’s wedding because she wasn’t invited I don’t see how anyone would benefit. What would we say to the two kids who are invited?

What is important is how he treats her day in and day out.

Do the younger kids know they are invited? The obvious solution would have been to have just not told them they were now invited, and attended the wedding as a couple as was always intended. Nobody is being snubbed then, it's just not for kids.

It's messier if they now know they've been invited.

It would send a message from your husband that all 3 kids are his and they should either all have an invite or all be excluded.
I'm really sorry your daughter has been treated this way.

But they WERE all excluded. And let's be honest, avoiding this was probably part of why. I agree with him he'd look like a bit of a twat sending something like this now, because them all being excluded before clearly wasn't good enough and he's already kicked up a stink about that. He's put them in this awkward position where he's basically insisting they must invite all his kids including the step kid they aren't as close to as other kids they aren't inviting. He should have recognised this would be a feature of choosing to have a stepchild and accepted them not inviting any of the kids with good grace.

I would just say in that case we'll just get a sitter for all the kids, though. But then I wouldn't have made a fuss about it being child free in the first place.

@StarbucksSally would you like to live somewhere where you know you are a second class citizen because that is what is being said to your daughter and it’s irrelevant how he treats her on a daily basis because she’s old enough to know the truth and work it out for herself .

OP your solution sounds fine, let DH and younger children go while you and older child have a lovely day out together. It's nice for older kids to get some time alone with parents anyway. Then maybe plan a family trip for all five of you to look forward to as well. No need for further stress or blaming anybody, it just sounds like an unfortunate situation with the bride not quite knowing the family relationships and nobody explaining to her until it's too late. Let them enjoy their day and you enjoy yours.

I think the way out of this is for your husband (and mil) to apologise to bil and bride for meddling in their plans and unleashing this shit storm and to agree it's best for none of the kids to attend. Which is what the b&g really want, and avoids making your dd stand out as not invited and not proper family.
If your husband won't do this, he really is making it very clear that your dd isn't important to him. I get that it's unreasonable to expect extended family to view her exactly the same as their blood family, if that's how they're wired, but your dh made a choice to be in your dd's life and he should never put himself in a situation where he's showing a distinction/favouritism between any of the children he lives with in a family unit.

I agree @ImAvingOops

Your H (not going to call him a DH because the only kind of DH he's acting like is a Dick Head) being ok with your daughter being excluded is part of how he treats her day in and day out. You might not see that, but trust me, as the daughter in this screwball set up, she will. You can stick your head in the sand about that knowledge all you like, but your actions will have consequences.

This obsession over blood relationships gives me the chills.

I couldn't associate with people who think biological trivia supersedes a vulnerable child's feelings.

This poor kid got the short end of the stick on so many levels. Sigh.

Your daughter would benefit because she would see her stepdad, who she lives with, sticking up for her rather than letting her be excluded.

You're not being unreasonable at all and all these other comments saying you shouldn't have pushed for kids to be allowed to attend are ridiculous AF. YOU didn't push anything. Your asinine egomaniac of a HUSBAND did.

Sadly, even though it's not okay that they excluded your daughter, - probably because she's not your husband's biological child and they have issues with that 🙄 - you can't do much to stop your husband from taking your other two children. HOWEVER; you do NOT have to send your daughter to her dad's house, nor do you HAVE to attend BIL's rush wedding just because your pompous pretentious a-hole of a husband demands it. Decline for you and your daughter; and go have a day with her just enjoying yourselves.

But also, please stop allowing your husband to mistreat your daughter. The fact that he threw a tantrum to get "his" kids invited to BIL's wedding, but expects you to be okay with the exclusion of your daughter, while simultaneously gaslighting and manipulating you into sending your daughter to her dad's house, just to attend the wedding with him instead; is VERY telling. This is a MASSIVE red flag 🚩 if there ever was one love. Your husband does not see your daughter as his child too, and apparently neither does anyone in his family. Honestly, if they actually considerd your daughter truly part of the family she would have been invited when BIL and his wife sent out the invites that included children.