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AIBU?

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Original poster

Eldest Child and In-Law Wedding

333 replies

StarbucksSally · 26/02/2023 13:31

Brother-in-law split up with a long-term Partner at the beginning of the pandemic because of his unwillingness to get married. I think he was shocked that she left.

He is now marrying someone else. She seems a lovely woman; but consensus is he is marrying her as he doesn’t want to lose her.

DH is best man but children were not invited. MiL went batshit and I was upset. I think DH had his ego bruised that the kids weren’t invited. I said nothing and while I was upset thought it was their wedding.

They had a site that they signed up to and the bios of the wedding party were on and lo and behold there were a flower girl and ring bearer.

DH and MiL spoke to BiL and he seemed scared to rock the boat but on Friday invitations arrived for our youngest children that I share with DH. My eldest who is 12 is not included. MiL is not willing to intervene and DH spoke with BiL who absolutely won’t as bride.

DH has asked me to ask their dad to have her.

I am going to decline wedding. DH refuses point blank to let me decline for all the children. He wants his children there and thinks we will look stupid anyway if we now decline their invitations after all the fuss.

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 27/02/2023 00:42

And sorry @Crazycrazylady, the first half of my post was directed at you but the second half wasn't... you've already acknowledged that you think it was mean to exclude one dc, regardless of how you might feel towards kids who aren't related to you. .

FeinCuroxiVooz · 27/02/2023 01:05

yanbu to be miffed but ultimately it's their wedding and if they don't want any particular individual there it's fine for them to to invite that person but that's then a very clear statement about how much relationship they want with that person. so, fine, your eldest is firmly rejected. tells you what you need to know for any future contact. I agree with pp take your eldest out for a fab cinema and pizza day, just the two of you having some great 1:1 time, and let the others go to the wedding.

MIL and DH will obviously have to tag-team childcare of the younger kids between them, according to which of them have official wedding party duties at any given time. With any luck they will both regret their attitude by the time it's all over.

falsepromises · 27/02/2023 02:27

I would spend the day with your daughter shopping or at the cinema, whatever she likes to do. Enjoy the time with her. However in future I would make it clear they were not her family. If she has an event they aren't invited. Her wedding - not invited. They are not her family. I don't see the issue with this if its how they want it. As long as its clear to her she wont get hurt.

CallItLoneliness · 27/02/2023 04:19

I've been the eldest child. You can delude yourself it is all fine, but you are setting her up for a life where she feels less-than. If you're ok with that, crack on, but don't act hurt when as an adult she withdraws from you.

user1492757084 · 27/02/2023 04:38

It is not fair to expect the 12 year old to carry a grudge against a family that she sees as hers. Most people love her.

Complaining about the exclusion of children was not right.
Then only two small kids got an invite.
So a small problem then a bigger problem.
If I were you I'd still have accepted the invitations and prepared very happily. I'd have taken all three of your children to the wedding but carefully had another event for all your children to attend during the reception. All the same.
The bride and groom possibly would understand and there would be no cost to them for extra catering.

user1492757084 · 27/02/2023 05:12

New idea! All get dressed up and all attend wedding. Let your older daughter attend the reception in your place while you have a migraine..
Your children will be happy and you can easily enjoy a night off. Don't tell her about being excluded from the invitations

rowanoak · 27/02/2023 05:30

I feel so bad for your poor daughter! Your husband is not treating her the same as your other children and you aren't standing up for her or protecting her from this favoritism that is really damaging. You are setting her up for a lifetime of psychological damage and you are proudly stating that you're choosing your awful husband over her. Excuse me while I go vomit at you putting a man before your own child and then go cry for her because you don't care enough about her to show her that you wouldn't put up with ANYONE, not even your own husband, treating her so poorly.

rowanoak · 27/02/2023 05:40

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Gwen82 · 27/02/2023 06:10

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Piffle11 · 27/02/2023 07:46

@Gwen82

Have you? So many aren't.

Gwen82 · 27/02/2023 08:09

Piffle11 · 27/02/2023 07:46

@Gwen82

Have you? So many aren't.

😐

I am afraid I don’t know what you mean!

Favouritefruits · 27/02/2023 08:14

How cruel to not invite just one child, I wouldn’t go either!

SerafinasGoose · 27/02/2023 08:19

Mari9999 · 26/02/2023 20:31

Why are so many people overlooking the fact that this entire scenario resulted from the OP and her MIL intruding on the SILs wedding plans?

But for their intrusion their would be no possibility for hurt feelings.

If the OP had confined her input into what happens in her home and to events that she plans, none of the subsequent actions would have occurred.

Now she is casting herself as the protector of her eldest child's feelings as opposed to the instigator of all of the unnecessary drama.

They are not doing this because they've RTFT. And the OP.

Yousee · 27/02/2023 08:39

This thread has escalated! The problem isn't so much that the family don't see the DSD as their own so much as there seems to be an evidence based expectation that they should, and unmet expectations cause hurt.
The DH doesn't deserve this level of vilification if in his heart of hearts he doesn't see a child who isn't his own child as exactly and wholly the same as his actual children. That's entirely natural. Why shouldn't children be extra special to their own parents?
He does deserve it if he has led OP and his DSD to believe one thing then failed to walk the walk when it came down to it. That's just playing with people's feelings, though it seems he's genuinely thought he was doing the right thing playing along.
Regardless, still shit of the groom to not invite the kids in the first place, even shittier to then invite 2/3.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 27/02/2023 09:05

Yousee · 27/02/2023 08:39

This thread has escalated! The problem isn't so much that the family don't see the DSD as their own so much as there seems to be an evidence based expectation that they should, and unmet expectations cause hurt.
The DH doesn't deserve this level of vilification if in his heart of hearts he doesn't see a child who isn't his own child as exactly and wholly the same as his actual children. That's entirely natural. Why shouldn't children be extra special to their own parents?
He does deserve it if he has led OP and his DSD to believe one thing then failed to walk the walk when it came down to it. That's just playing with people's feelings, though it seems he's genuinely thought he was doing the right thing playing along.
Regardless, still shit of the groom to not invite the kids in the first place, even shittier to then invite 2/3.

I think it's fair enough to feel that you can't love someone else's child as much as you love your own. You feel what you feel.

However, if you don't feel that you could love another child in the same way as you love your own, or if you aren't at the very least 100% committed to never showing that you love them any less, then ffs don't shack up with someone who already has children! If you're going to blend families, then do it properly because the kids have no choice in the matter and don't deserve to be treated as second class citizens in their own homes!

Murdoch1949 · 27/02/2023 09:32

I would not let any of the children attend. The children are being split up for the bride's spite. I would take all my children away the day before for a lovely weekend break. Secretly. Your husband is not being supportive enough, on this occasion. I agree it's not a divorce prompt, but very disappointing.

Brefugee · 27/02/2023 09:35

it is their wedding and their choice who they invite.

They are under no obligation to invite a child, that much as your DH might love, they don't regard as part of their family. They have no grudgingly invited your other children. Seems churlish of you to have colluded in pushing for this then throwing your toys out of the pram over a child they're not related to.

So, either decline because you have to have your older DC, and your other DCs go with your DH, or ask your oldest DCs dad to have them, and go with good grace.

Yousee · 27/02/2023 10:04

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 27/02/2023 09:05

I think it's fair enough to feel that you can't love someone else's child as much as you love your own. You feel what you feel.

However, if you don't feel that you could love another child in the same way as you love your own, or if you aren't at the very least 100% committed to never showing that you love them any less, then ffs don't shack up with someone who already has children! If you're going to blend families, then do it properly because the kids have no choice in the matter and don't deserve to be treated as second class citizens in their own homes!

Show quote history

That's exactly the line of thinking I take issue with. It's not a one size fits all scenario, just like any other relationships in life.
In my case, for example, I'd be the only one behaving as if DSD was my child, because DSD and her parents certainly don't behave as if I'm her mother. She's not second class (none of my family would ever not invite her to a family event, she's still my family!) it's just that everyone stays in their lane and we are all perfectly at ease with how we run out family. That's one thing.
Doing the whole "she's my daughter and I live and treat her just the same as my other kids" performance then next minute "except when it might vex my birth family, then I'm quite happy to drop you" is the problem. Consistency one way or the other is key IMO.

Gwen82 · 27/02/2023 10:17

However, if you don't feel that you could love another child in the same way as you love your own, or if you aren't at the very least 100% committed to never showing that you love them any less, then ffs don't shack up with someone who already has children! I

one of the many many reasons why I will never mangle blend families. Totally unfair on any theoretical partners children’s because they would never come even close to how I feel about my own children. And I know I would step over any SC in the event of an emergency to reach my own children

Brefugee · 27/02/2023 10:18

sorry, OP, did you a misservice as read that you wanted the kids to go.

I think you're doing the right thing in taking your DD away for a trip, and DH can take the others to the family event. In future you know how things are likely to pan out with invitations, birthdays and family photos and can develop an advance strategy to handle them. As long as your DD is comfortable with DH, and he with her, that's what counts.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 27/02/2023 10:20

Yousee · 27/02/2023 10:04

That's exactly the line of thinking I take issue with. It's not a one size fits all scenario, just like any other relationships in life.
In my case, for example, I'd be the only one behaving as if DSD was my child, because DSD and her parents certainly don't behave as if I'm her mother. She's not second class (none of my family would ever not invite her to a family event, she's still my family!) it's just that everyone stays in their lane and we are all perfectly at ease with how we run out family. That's one thing.
Doing the whole "she's my daughter and I live and treat her just the same as my other kids" performance then next minute "except when it might vex my birth family, then I'm quite happy to drop you" is the problem. Consistency one way or the other is key IMO.

Show quote history

Fair enough. I genuinely hope that it works as well for your dc/dsc as you think it does.

Personally, I wouldn't want to risk it so I wouldn't ever blend families for that reason.

Sarain · 27/02/2023 10:24

@StarbucksSally Some people are properly batshit. Why would anyone emphatically state they just KNOW that you are in an abusive relationship because of one damn post about a wedding!? Take no notice OP. Winding up is not what you need here.

I wouldn't tell your daughter not to bother with them and that she was the only one not invited. I would tell her it was a wedding just for the biological family and as such she and you aren't going. And just leave it there. There's no reason to wind her up as well. How you react this will matter more than anything. She will likely be excited to do something fun with you for the day and I'd focus on that. Don't let your upset bleed onto her.

MavisMcMinty · 27/02/2023 10:32

Next time you’re invited to a child-free wedding, book a babysitter and keep quiet. That’s what I’ve learnt from this thread, anyway. OP take note. And weddings are over-long and boring for children. I mean, they’re over-long and boring even for me, an adult, for whom time goes by much more quickly.

As the SIL you really should be at the wedding, rather than any of your children, gonna look very strange if you don’t go, and it could ruin your relationship with the happy couple.

Gwen82 · 27/02/2023 10:34

MavisMcMinty · 27/02/2023 10:32

Next time you’re invited to a child-free wedding, book a babysitter and keep quiet. That’s what I’ve learnt from this thread, anyway. OP take note. And weddings are over-long and boring for children. I mean, they’re over-long and boring even for me, an adult, for whom time goes by much more quickly.

As the SIL you really should be at the wedding, rather than any of your children, gonna look very strange if you don’t go, and it could ruin your relationship with the happy couple.

Damn sight more “strange” to strands the wedding and, when asked where her DD is, she says “oh she wasn’t invited”

Gwen82 · 27/02/2023 10:35

attends. not strands