Eldest Child and In-Law Wedding

[StarbucksSally]

Brother-in-law split up with a long-term Partner at the beginning of the pandemic because of his unwillingness to get married. I think he was shocked that she left.

He is now marrying someone else. She seems a lovely woman; but consensus is he is marrying her as he doesn’t want to lose her.

DH is best man but children were not invited. MiL went batshit and I was upset. I think DH had his ego bruised that the kids weren’t invited. I said nothing and while I was upset thought it was their wedding.

They had a site that they signed up to and the bios of the wedding party were on and lo and behold there were a flower girl and ring bearer.

DH and MiL spoke to BiL and he seemed scared to rock the boat but on Friday invitations arrived for our youngest children that I share with DH. My eldest who is 12 is not included. MiL is not willing to intervene and DH spoke with BiL who absolutely won’t as bride.

DH has asked me to ask their dad to have her.

I am going to decline wedding. DH refuses point blank to let me decline for all the children. He wants his children there and thinks we will look stupid anyway if we now decline their invitations after all the fuss.

I (or my eldest) wouldn't be attending any family get togethers in the future, or visits but then I can hold a grudge for England. No more cards or presents would be organised by me either.

Your children's relationships as siblings is far far more important than attending an uncles wedding (an uncle who didn't want any of them there in the first place).
You aren't denying your youngest children access to their family by deciding none will attend - you would be making the wider point to in-laws, your husband and your children, that you are a family and that your children should be treated equally, as the siblings that they are.

I can't believe you don't see this tbh, and still think it's somehow okay for your dh to take the youngest two and sanction the exclusion of dd.

Oh goodness what a mess and how upsetting for you and your DD unless as you say she is unaware of the situation. I would do as you are doing and take her out somewhere and leave your DH to sort out the younger ones. Nightmare looking after little ones at weddings so maybe he will rethink this. I cannot really imagine how he thought it would be ok for you and him and the two younger ones to go leaving the eldest with a father she rarely sees even assuming he was able to look after her. Way to rub it in that she is different to the other two.

I don't think this is a reason for ending the marriage though as otherwise you say he treats her the same as his two bio children. Most people would have a bit more empathy though. Let him and MIL take your two youngest and you do something nice with your DD.

Incidentally the ideal would be for none of the children to go and DH goes on his own.

The OP has made her decision. She has accepted that her dd isn't seen as fully part of the family and she isn't prepared to rock the boat over it. I do feel sorry for the dd, but the OP has clearly decided that this isn't the hill to die on, so it doesn't really matter what the rest of us think.

The dd will inevitably draw her own conclusions when she is older. As may the younger children who will witness their older sister being pushed aside.

She’s sorry you can’t get childcare !!!!! How can you let that go without replying that you wouldn’t even be trying to get childcare as you have no intention of going to a wedding without one of your children . I’m sorry @StarbucksSally but you really are being a complete doormat and I hope for your sake that your daughter doesn’t resent you for it when she’s a bit older .

You were unreasonable to start with wanting invites for the children but the resulting invite is just weird on their part.
I don't understand why people get so upset when their children aren't invited to a wedding.

You need to reply with this.
You are letting it be about numbers and childcare, when it is actually about the fact that they don't count your daughter as part of their family.
I wouldn't ever go to any of DH's family events again.

*Your children's relationships as siblings is far far more important than attending an uncles wedding (an uncle who didn't want any of them there in the first place).
You aren't denying your youngest children access to their family by deciding none will attend - you would be making the wider point to in-laws, your husband and your children, that you are a family and that your children should be treated equally, as the siblings that they are.

I can't believe you don't see this tbh, and still think it's somehow okay for your dh to take the youngest two and sanction the exclusion of dd.*

This

I'd go away for a nice weekend with your eldest.

I am staying with my eldest child do she can’t hold anything against me if she arrives at the conclusion that her siblings’ uncle’s wedding is important.

The strong relationship between my children is important to me but I think keeping the younger two away from their family because eldest isn’t treated the same would actually damage their relationship. They know that they are technically half but we don’t mention it.
Up until this wedding eldest has always been included in DH’s family stuff.

Well, you don't need to mention that they're only half siblings because it's right there staring them in the face.

For your sake and for your dd's sake, I hope that she won't hold anything against you in the future, but I think you're kidding yourself if you believe that staying with her on the day is enough to protect against that. This is about so much more than the wedding itself and what you do on that one day. It is about your dd's place in the family and her sense of belonging. Hopefully she won't be damaged by it, but you can't possibly know that right now. She may not remember it at all, or she may remember that you rolled over and did nothing when the rest of the family treated her like an outsider. Only time will tell, I suppose.

Wait a minute - has someone told your BIL and future SIL that the reason YOU are not going to the wedding is because you have no childcare for your DD12? So, your BIL and future SIL don't know that you're staying away because of the hurt they're causing to your DD, and that you need to be with her? And your DH hasn't corrected this?

This whole situation is so dysfunctional.

I also think there's something amiss with your reasoning: you too seem to think that it's fine to preserve the brother-brother bond, and the uncle-nephew/niece bond at the expense of your eldest DD. By DH and your joint DC going to the wedding, the message you're sending your DD is that your DH is more of a family with his brother than he is with her, and that her half siblings are more of a family with their uncle than they are with her. Frankly, that's SHOCKING.

Although I don't agree personally with your partner taking the younger ones I think not responding to her email is a good idea. Sometimes saying nothing, speaks volumes.

I think it’s Not that they’re more of a family with an uncle but the uncle sees them as more of a family.
Both MiL particularly and DH had told BiL the reasons I am not going, I don’t know if SiL knows but he says if eldest goes 8 cousins will have to go ages 14 to 3.

It now sounds like you are stuck in their reasoning- no of course they wouldn't have to invite 8 other children.
They are differentiating between the children in your family based on blood.
Your poor DD.

Please make it clear it is not about childcare and it is about solidarity with your daughter.
Quite honestly though I agree that I'd be saying none of the children go-that was after all what they wanted in the first place!

Adults may see the difference, but you as the parent and step-parent are sanctioning this distinction the BIL is making. She's old enough at 12yo to understand all this, but that's a bitter lesson to learn at that age. That these people she sees around Christmas etc don't see her as "family". The poor girl.

You're also copping out a bit, because you keep mentioning the resentment your youngest two would feel if they were kept away from the wedding because of their half-sister. Half-sister fgs! She's being treated like a leper and, I don't want to dig into you, but you're sort of letting it happen to her. You should be having a word with your youngest 2, telling them they've no right to get upset if their sister is being treated in this way, that they need to think about it from her perspective. It's one uncle, one wedding - it's basically a party and family celebration. Is their sibling relationship worth less than that?

If I were your DD I'm not sure I could see beyond my own hurt to understand and accept the logistical problems the bridge and groom are facing. I think that's too much to ask.

I do see that you're stuck in the middle here, especially as you yourself didn't say anything about children being invited, that it was your MIL and DH who asked. But you're not blood family to BIL either, and you need to stand back from this whole situation and see what matters to you. Your children first and equally, your husband second, your MIL third, your BIL last. I think you've lost sight of that a bit, personally.

But it’s their uncle not hers. My son particularly would see it logically.

I am not the one saying that he would have to invite 8 other children but they are.

You seem to have a bit of a blind spot here, OP.

You keep saying that it isn't how your DH sees it, but it's how his brother sees it. However, if your DH really did see your dd as being as much a part of his family as his other children, then he wouldn't just shrug it off and say that his brother doesn't see it that way. Clearly, at some level, he feels that his brother has a valid point.

And who knows, maybe you do too? You seem quite willing to accept that your dd will be rejected by your in-laws and to buy into their logic that it's OK to exclude her. And you're putting your younger dc's relationship with their uncle as a higher priority than your dd's sense of belonging in her family, so perhaps while you would like her to be fully included, on one level, you too have bought into the idea that she isn't a blood relation so it doesn't really count?

X post.

So it seems that I'm right. He is their uncle and not hers, which is why you think it is OK for her to be excluded. Let's hope that she sees it in the same way.

She is their sister! They have the same mother! It's on YOU to teach your son that this isn't about logic. It's about his sister.

One day you'll be dead and gone. Who will your DD have, then? Sounds like her siblings are being raised to prioritize their uncle over their sister, and it sounds like, if your DH survives you, he'd be cool with that. Bluntly, you're approving of the fact that everyone except you and your DD are in the same family, and all she has is you.

It's absolutely not my intention to lay into you, it's very difficult to convey tone on a screen. If you yourself are ok with making this blood-family distinction, then fine. Maybe her biological father is enough of a dad for you (and his siblings seem decent enough to a child they rarely see, including her half-siblings, (unlike your BIL, but hey)). But if you were comfortable with this you wouldn't be feeling this dilemma. It clearly does bother you. And this is why: there's a terrible truth underlying all this, which your DD is bearing the brunt of. She's not as much of a family member to your DH and her half-siblings, as his brother/their uncle is. I just couldn't imagine being made to feel that way, at an age where you're still entitled to feel that the world revolves around you and your siblings (to a large extent). She's being made to learn and feel just how cold it is out there, without her mum to back her up.

I don't think that's what OP's saying at all. She's boycotting the wedding in solidarity with her daughter , she's not prepared to attend something her daughter isn't welcomed to.

With a blended family, it does get complicated. The unrelated-by-blood partner's extended family won't always see those children as "family" and there's nothing anyone can do to force it. It can get very painful.

You can't do anything about your bil not viewing your dd as family but you don't have to indulge it and you can make sure your younger children don't grow up thinking their sister is 'less' of a sibling. You are setting your family up for a fall.

Your younger kids won't resent not going to this wedding if you teach them that it isn't right to exclude one sibling. You and your dh are prioritising a man who doesn't even really want his own niece and nephew there anyway and letting your dd absorb the idea that when push come to shove, her step dad doesn't really see her as his child or worth upsetting the apple cart over. This will bite you in the arse eventually. Batshit crazy!

I think you’re doing the only thing that’s reasonable which is to stay with your eldest.

for all those saying she should keep the youngest two back.. it’s not her sole decision, she is married, and it’s not her place to decide that alone, if her husband disagrees she doesn’t automatically overrule him, in the same way that the husband can’t make his family see their eldest any differently, you’ve just got to accept what you can’t change, that’s not to say you can’t make your feelings clear on the matter, it’s a horrible situation all round, but you can’t control other people.

FWIW, from what you’ve said, I don’t think your husband DOES see your daughter the same as the other two otherwise he’d agree that it’s everyone or no-one, he wouldn’t even need to think about it, he obviously cared enough about it in the first place to stick his nose in and get his own children to be invited!! And now they are he seems happy with the arrangement?! I think him and the MIL knew exactly what they were doing when they interfered about the children, same way MIL kept your daughter out of the photo, I’d have no respect for anyone who punishes or condones punishing children in this way, it’s disgusting.

let this be a lesson for anyone attempting to interfere in other people’s weddings and decisions! If a couple don’t want lots of children at their wedding, no one has the right to feel any particular way about that, you’re free to not go! It’s THEIR wedding ffs! I understand their initial position especially as they don’t have children of their own, and I wouldn’t have changed my mind in the first place, if anything she seems too accommodating to me, what a shit start to married life for them!! No wonder the first one pissed off while she could.. sounds like she dodged a bullet!

I would honestly just reply saying you're not going because DD hasn't been invited. Tell them it's not about childcare, because you haven't even attempted to organise childcare. Then ignore the fall out. Let DH deal with everything to do with his family in the future. They're a bunch of arseholes.