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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Eldest Child and In-Law Wedding

333 replies

StarbucksSally · 26/02/2023 13:31

Brother-in-law split up with a long-term Partner at the beginning of the pandemic because of his unwillingness to get married. I think he was shocked that she left.

He is now marrying someone else. She seems a lovely woman; but consensus is he is marrying her as he doesn’t want to lose her.

DH is best man but children were not invited. MiL went batshit and I was upset. I think DH had his ego bruised that the kids weren’t invited. I said nothing and while I was upset thought it was their wedding.

They had a site that they signed up to and the bios of the wedding party were on and lo and behold there were a flower girl and ring bearer.

DH and MiL spoke to BiL and he seemed scared to rock the boat but on Friday invitations arrived for our youngest children that I share with DH. My eldest who is 12 is not included. MiL is not willing to intervene and DH spoke with BiL who absolutely won’t as bride.

DH has asked me to ask their dad to have her.

I am going to decline wedding. DH refuses point blank to let me decline for all the children. He wants his children there and thinks we will look stupid anyway if we now decline their invitations after all the fuss.

OP posts:
Mariposa26 · 07/03/2023 05:48

This should have been left with the couple just inviting the two children they wanted to
invite as attendants.
I think you need to be careful about the impact things like this could have on your older DC. My friend is in the same situation as you and her oldest DC who has a different father (with two younger siblings who both have the same dad, her DH) is now in therapy at 13 for anxiety and feeling like he doesn’t belong in the family. It’s awful to see. These things can really damage children’s mental health. The three children should come as a package deal or not at all.

whowhatwerewhy · 07/03/2023 07:43

I agree with @ImAvingOops .
Your BIL and bride had planned there wedding and how they wanted it to be . YourDH and MIL have altered there plans. They aren't having the wedding they want and all your children are still not all going.
Very sad all round.

StClare101 · 07/03/2023 09:23

Your DH sounds like a massive dickhead!

Original poster
StarbucksSally · 07/03/2023 13:50

Yesterday the bride texted me. She had been speaking to our mutual MiL. She said that she was sorry that their wedding was causing us a logistical nightmare… her words!
She was sorry that I wasn’t able to get childcare for the weekend and therefore couldn’t come.
She said BiL was very upset that I couldn’t join the rest of the family.
She talked about how happy she was that she was marrying someone with a close extended family but because of how close they were to cousins etc the inclusion of my eldest (she didn’t use her name) would mean they would have to invite 8 other children who were related. This has been explained apparently to both my husband and MiL.

I have no intention of replying. I was stunned.

They have invited the cousin’s son to be an usher as he is a Godchild. The Godchild’s 7 year old sister is staying home with her dad who isn’t related.

My husband does not treat my daughter differently when under our roof but can’t see how he can make his family treat her like a grandchild or niece.

I can’t stop him from taking my younger two to their family’s wedding. I have to balance the potential harm to my eldest and the potential bitterness of my other two if I stopped them going. I don’t think that would engender good relationships with their older sister.

I am going out for the day with her and I am insisting that they stay with MiL so we don’t see them getting dressed. Ah well!

OP posts:
BertieBoots87 · 07/03/2023 14:11

Beyond words. I’d understand DD being excluded if you were in the early stages of your relationship but at this stage, it makes no sense. Agree with PP that the children should come as a package deal or not at all. If you start allowing things like this to happen now, where will it end?

whatadayforadaydream · 07/03/2023 14:13

You should have accepted the no children decision.

That said since they now are inviting your kids for me i would absolustely not be ok to exlcude your son just becuase he is not biologically related to them. I wouldn't go either.

whatadayforadaydream · 07/03/2023 14:14

StarbucksSally · 07/03/2023 13:50

Yesterday the bride texted me. She had been speaking to our mutual MiL. She said that she was sorry that their wedding was causing us a logistical nightmare… her words!
She was sorry that I wasn’t able to get childcare for the weekend and therefore couldn’t come.
She said BiL was very upset that I couldn’t join the rest of the family.
She talked about how happy she was that she was marrying someone with a close extended family but because of how close they were to cousins etc the inclusion of my eldest (she didn’t use her name) would mean they would have to invite 8 other children who were related. This has been explained apparently to both my husband and MiL.

I have no intention of replying. I was stunned.

They have invited the cousin’s son to be an usher as he is a Godchild. The Godchild’s 7 year old sister is staying home with her dad who isn’t related.

My husband does not treat my daughter differently when under our roof but can’t see how he can make his family treat her like a grandchild or niece.

I can’t stop him from taking my younger two to their family’s wedding. I have to balance the potential harm to my eldest and the potential bitterness of my other two if I stopped them going. I don’t think that would engender good relationships with their older sister.

I am going out for the day with her and I am insisting that they stay with MiL so we don’t see them getting dressed. Ah well!

I would 100% reply telling her the reason you are not there is because they chose to exclude only your DD and you come as a family. There is no way I would stay silent on this.

Brefugee · 07/03/2023 14:17

I have no intention of replying. I was stunned.

I think, in the interests of future familial relatonship, you did actually reply saying that you are a family and if she (and by extension you) are going to be excluded in future (christmas, birthdays etc) she should warn you now. And then hand over all "wifework" regarding your DHs family to him.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 07/03/2023 14:21

Gosh. I think I would be tempted to go back to her and say, oh no, it isn't due to lack of childcare, it's just that she is already feeling excluded so I need to make it up to her.

Original poster
StarbucksSally · 07/03/2023 14:28

If I replied to that effect they would say 8 cousins’ kids would have to be invited.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarbucksSally · 07/03/2023 14:31

Totally agree DH and MiL should not have interfered with no children policy. To be fair to them when they asked re: children they meant eldest as well. MiL also wanted her sister’s grandchildren as well. They both acknowledge this now and are mortified.

OP posts:
conphlicted · 07/03/2023 14:32

This has made me think.

Me and my partner are likely to marry at some point.

The invitation list will be - My kids, his kids, my sibling, his siblings, my grandkids and if he has any by then, his grandkids.

My brother currently has a partner he is not married to. She has a daughter I have never met. It never occurred to me to invite her to my wedding. I'd planned to invite my nieces and nephew (2 x nieces, 1 nephew) and OH nieces and nephews (he has loads as he is one of 6).

I've only met my brother's partner once and she was incredibly rude to me. She does not attend family occasions (my dad's 80th birthday a couple of years ago as an example), my brother comes on his own with his kids by birth and didn't bring her daughter.

I feel really conflicted.

SimplySipping · 07/03/2023 14:33

"My husband does not treat my daughter differently when under our roof but can’t see how he can make his family treat her like a grandchild or niece."

But he needs to take responsibility for the fact that HIS insistence on taking the younger two is a substantial part of the problem.

This is the bigger problem really - there's nothing to stop your husband picking the younger two over your daughter next time too. The wedding is a mess, very much complicated by the fact your husband and MIL pushed for kids to be included. Draw a line under that but try to extract a promise that he will never pick between the children again, even if his family demand it.

conphlicted · 07/03/2023 14:34

And I do think this whole situation was caused by your DH and MIL (and you being "upset") forcing the bride and groom to change their plans to accommodate your DH's children.

Original poster
StarbucksSally · 07/03/2023 14:38

i can’t deprive my younger children of their family.

OP posts:
Reallybadidea · 07/03/2023 14:39

I think what this has highlighted is that while your DH might treat your eldest the same as his biological children on an everyday basis, in his heart of hearts he doesn't actually see her as family. If he did then he would understand why it's so upsetting for her not to be invited.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 07/03/2023 14:41

Ooh, what a mess op. It's such a shame you are going to miss out because of everyone else's interfering, but you are doing the right thing by your eldest and can take the opportunity to go somewhere lovely for the weekend, just the two of you. I personally love a child free wedding, but it has to be completely child free for it to work.

Original poster
StarbucksSally · 07/03/2023 14:45

I think he does see why it’s upsetting.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarbucksSally · 07/03/2023 14:48

He sees her as his family but totally accepts his brother doesn’t see her as his (BiL’s)family. Yet BiL sees his first cousins once removed as family. I could weep!

OP posts:
GMOOH2023 · 07/03/2023 14:48

With all this drama, you are well out of it.

They (and some of your other in-laws in the past) have made their feelings about your eldest pretty clear.

Why would you actually even want to be part of this? I certainly wouldn't consider it as "missing out" on anything.

Hope you have a lovely day with your daughter.

ItsaMetalBand · 07/03/2023 14:51

She said that she was sorry that their wedding was causing us a logistical nightmare… her words!
She was sorry that I wasn’t able to get childcare for the weekend and therefore couldn’t come.
She said BiL was very upset that I couldn’t join the rest of the family.
She talked about how happy she was that she was marrying someone with a close extended family but because of how close they were to cousins etc the inclusion of my eldest (she didn’t use her name) would mean they would have to invite 8 other children who were related.

She's full of shit. Like, really full of shit.

I think you did the right thing and not reply to her. What, in any of that, is worth replying to? I think I'd actually block her. A cousin is a cousin. A niece is a niece. She knows damn well what the difference is there and I think I'd probably be really fucking cool with her from here on in.

conphlicted · 07/03/2023 14:52

StarbucksSally · 07/03/2023 14:48

He sees her as his family but totally accepts his brother doesn’t see her as his (BiL’s)family. Yet BiL sees his first cousins once removed as family. I could weep!

Is BIL viewing it as bloody family do you think?

conphlicted · 07/03/2023 14:53

*blood

NewShoes · 07/03/2023 15:00

The marrying couple seem horrible and cruel. I can understand your perspective and think I’d do the same as you. Take your daughter out for a fab day just the two of you and remember to keep BiL and future SiL at a distance in future!

gingerscot · 07/03/2023 15:06

I would reply. I would apologise for the misunderstanding and say that childcare isn’t the issue. Being “blood related” is obviously important to them, therefore you won’t attend either since you’re not blood related. Wish them a happy day.

I would be matter of fact and unemotional and let them face the consequences of their decision. They’re absolutely entitled to decide their guest list. They absolutely live with the fall out 🤷‍♀️

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