To be scared stiff of being pregnant at 45

[notsureconfused]

Long story short I have 2 older teens conceived through ivf. Very much thought we were done when I miraculously got pregnant naturally with our third at 43. It's been tough. We were used to having sleep again, more freedom etc and we've gone back to the start. Now I've discovered I'm pregnant again. Only now I'm 45, knackered with a 2 year old (plus the teens) & I'm very worried about coping all over again.

Coping with a baby and toddler was not that hard and my 2 have ADHD and other SEN’s

You know that not all children have to go on to do A levels or go to university. It isn’t something that you have to go through.

We know already that the younger one is already on their own and being ignored by their siblings. Why not give them someone they can relate to.
Yes it is up to the op of she doesn’t or doesn’t go ahead with this pregnancy but looking at the family dynamics going forward I would want to make my life easier not harder.

Agree with the poster up thread who said about having to put in more work with a single child than 2 who do play together.
and not everyone hates or has nothing to do with their siblings
Lots of people have siblings they are close to.
However they tend to be the siblings who are closer in age.

@Kennykenkencat

they might not want to go to uni and they don’t have to, but what if they do? What if all three want to go?

having that opportunity and support from their parents is likely more valuable to them than their mum taking the gamble of having another baby that they may or may not get on with!

Step back and consider the impact a baby would have on you (your health, being tired), your relationship - you and dh will have less time together, I remember those baby and toddler years as being relentless - dealing with tantrums, sleep, breast feedin one while toilet training the other etc - feeling torn between eating early with little children or eating late as a couple and a family. Several posters suggest that it will be easier because the two younger ones will be playmates. But they will possibly fight as often as they play, and many relationships break down under the challenge of two young children.

What impact will it have on your already existing (and for the older two) difficult-to-achieve children? Your 2 year old will start to become a little more independent, you will be able to take them places more easily, in a couple of years you may be eating out as a family. How will your older children feel? especially the one at home? might they feel that they are a bit 'alone' - Mum and Dad have each other, the household is dominated by babies and things are run to their timetable. That's how my friend felt and it took years for her to repair the relationship with her parents and much younger siblings.

What would family holidays look like?

Of course having sufficient money for a cleaner, gardener etc helps.

taking the gamble of having another baby that they may or may not get on with!
Now this is really absurd. How is this a gamble, more than any other situation in life when someone has to make a normal choice about starting or growing a family? A poster in doubt about getting married - someone says: No, stay single, this is taking the gamble of marrying a potential cheater, rapist and criminal! A poster in doubt about having her first, second, third or fourth child - someone says: No, this is taking the gamble of having kids that maybe will hate each other!

@Terzani

its really not absurd at all

not all siblings get along

if that is to be the sole reason reason for op to continue this pregnancy then it makes sense to be aware of that fact

Reported.

Honestly, why on earth would it make your Sunday better to make snide comments to someone in experiencing an incredibly difficult situation ?
Still, you do you

@Ladysodor

that is helpful

not

@Ladysodor Really?
Op I’m roughly your age with a teenager and one just out of his teens. This sounds like my worst nightmare. If you and your DH don’t want any more, don’t be a matyr. As has been said, you have options. Maybe seek counselling?

You're saying 75% of spontaneous pregnancies in 45 year old miscarry?

Not at all helpful for the situation currently.

Ok i looked it up, around 34% of pregnancies will miscarry when mum is 40-44 and 53% when older than 45.

Old r than 45 being the oldest window given. So that's anyone getting pregnant in late 40s to 50s and beyond, pretty huge window.

Your 75% is a massive exaggeration and may scare the shit out of other women who are pregnant in their 40s or who like me already have several losses under our belts. You speak of miscarriage so glibly for being so wrong

Exactly or even focus on the positive side that around 66% of pregnancies don’t miscarry when mum is 40-44 and 47% when older than 45.

How far along are you?
As I am sure you are aware at teh age of 45, the situation might very well be taken out of your hands

Thanks for the support. I've still not spoken to anyone in real life apart from dh so it's been helpful. In answer to many, I think I must be around 5-6 weeks so very early days. I can't remember my lmp exactly but I know it wasn't that long ago. I've looked at the link provided by a helpful pp and I'm going to speak to someone at marie stopes tomorrow. I'm still non the wiser as to what to do and also very aware that it all could be taken out of my hands, but I do feel a bit calmer about it. Dh's first reaction today was to still want an abortion. Now he's thinking more along the lines of we have the toddler anyway so what difference would it make...I think it would make a huge difference. I'm sure he's really just as confused as me.

I think I would be so concerned for your health in going through another pregnancy at this age. The risks are higher and you have a toddler to look after.

There is of course a risk of miscarriage with all pregnancies. The risk goes up over 45.

However, in terms of the health of mum and baby on delivery, once you get that far, it is a great deal more likely that mum and baby will be both healthy than that there will be a major health problem. I found that a more helpful way to think about the stats (when I was 47 and pregnant).

My obs consultant came along to the delivery, and afterwards she said she would entirely support me if I wanted another baby (I thought that with 2 kids already under 5, as older parents, that was enough!).

Congratulations, OP. I think your feelings are understandable, OP.

I also think it’ll be lovely for your toddler to have another close in age. You’ll cope, OP. In a couple of years, they’ll be relating to each other nicely.

All the best :)

Where have you got that data from? 75% is very high. I am 42 and early pregnant, I am now very worried. Can you back this up at all?

This study published in 2019 suggests around 30-40% at 42 rising to 50% at 45
www.bmj.com/content/364/bmj.l869

Sorry I know it’s brutal but equally important to manage expectations.

www.verywellfamily.com/odds-of-miscarriage-with-specific-risk-factors-2371722

I don’t think OP should or needs to bank on a miscarriage if she doesn’t want to be pregnant, IVF or not.

OP, I won’t say what I would do because it is irrelevant. Also what people do in theory is often different from what they would do in reality. Only you can decide and I expect you will have a gut feeling for what you want once the news sinks in.

It is very important not to worry pregnant women unnecessarily@ ignorant previous poster.

60-70% of pregnancies at 42 will NOT end in miscarriage from that previous graph, so the odds are greatly in the favour of @Bellybobs .

Bear in mind that as the weeks progress, the risk of miscarriages goes down; most miscarriages happen before you even know you are pregnant.

If you have seen a heartbeat on a scan, you can be reassured that the risk of miscarriage has gone down a lot already!

@herecomesthsun it’s not ‘worrying them unnecessarily’ because, past a certain age, a miscarriage is more likely than not. This needs to be mainstream knowledge not just so pregnant women can manage their expectations but so they don’t delay motherhood assuming getting pregnant at 43 means a baby as long as you can get the BFP.

At 42 I understand it’s pretty much 50/50.

Saying the odds are ‘greatly in the favour’ of a 42 year old just isn’t true, sorry but you’re not helping anyone by making stuff up.