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Original poster

To be scared stiff of being pregnant at 45

307 replies

notsureconfused · 26/02/2023 08:21

Long story short I have 2 older teens conceived through ivf. Very much thought we were done when I miraculously got pregnant naturally with our third at 43. It's been tough. We were used to having sleep again, more freedom etc and we've gone back to the start. Now I've discovered I'm pregnant again. Only now I'm 45, knackered with a 2 year old (plus the teens) & I'm very worried about coping all over again.

OP posts:
herecomesthsun · 26/02/2023 19:44

Moonicorn · 26/02/2023 19:42

Saying the odds are ‘greatly in the favour’ of a 42 year old just isn’t true, sorry but you’re not helping anyone by making stuff up.

Not making stuff up.

See graph posted earlier

#basic maths.

MrsRR1 · 26/02/2023 19:45

My mom had my youngest sibling at 44. We all helped (three of us) and loved it but we are a close family so being involved wasn't an issue for us. I was 21, other siblings were 18 and 9 at the time

Sugarfree23 · 26/02/2023 19:50

Op I hope you and DH are able to decide together what you want.

Very interesting comments about PCOS, I never had a regular cycle until after I stopped BFing DC2 when I was nearly 43 IVF baby. I'm now 48 and can't believe how regular my cycle actually is.

Moonicorn · 26/02/2023 19:55

herecomesthsun · 26/02/2023 19:44

Not making stuff up.

See graph posted earlier

#basic maths.

Show quote history

Yes you are.

www.nct.org.uk/pregnancy/miscarriage/miscarriage-your-questions-answered

The NCT specifically says 40% at 40, 75% at 45.

You can’t just make things up because it’s not what you want to believe.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/02/2023 21:22

HikingforScenery · 26/02/2023 18:44

Congratulations, OP. I think your feelings are understandable, OP.

I also think it’ll be lovely for your toddler to have another close in age. You’ll cope, OP. In a couple of years, they’ll be relating to each other nicely.

All the best :)

@HikingforScenery

but maybe she wants a more from life than just to cope?

snowtrees · 26/02/2023 23:18

EnglishRain · 26/02/2023 08:59

I feel like if you've already got a 2YO it'd be nice to have a second close in age to that one. You're already going to be dealing with small child stuff for the coming years anyway...

This for me. I had my DC at 40 & 42
This was just the way my life is. 14 years in its tiring but I know no different.

Dyslexicwonder · 27/02/2023 07:22

Moonicorn · 26/02/2023 19:55

Yes you are.

www.nct.org.uk/pregnancy/miscarriage/miscarriage-your-questions-answered

The NCT specifically says 40% at 40, 75% at 45.

You can’t just make things up because it’s not what you want to believe.

Show quote history

I think it all needs to be taken in context. Miscarriage is more likely if previous fertility difficulties and no previous live births, also paternal age, smoking , drinking and stress are risk factors. So risk of miscarriage is very individual a 42 year old who is pregnant spontaneously for the 4th time with a partner in his 30's has a much lower risk than a first IVF pregnancy with 55 year old sperm.

felixfeline · 27/02/2023 12:50

OP, FWIW I had 2 close together and then my 3rd 9 years later, who is now 2 like your DC. Obviously not as big a gap as you and I am a few years younger but there is no way whatsoever I would cope with yet another. DC is 2.5 and I am so looking forward to having proper little conversations, getting them out of nappies, not worrying about daytime naps etc etc. I just couldn't do it all again for the sake of her having a playmate, ad I have all my children to consider as well as exhaustion, my own MH. Please do not have this baby just for the sake of your 2 year old. Wishing you the best.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 27/02/2023 12:56

You are clearly very fertile, so I wouldn't just wait for the menopause, get (you or dh) sterilised. I personally couldn't have an abortion in your situation but you need to take control after

Moonicorn · 27/02/2023 12:57

Dyslexicwonder · 27/02/2023 07:22

I think it all needs to be taken in context. Miscarriage is more likely if previous fertility difficulties and no previous live births, also paternal age, smoking , drinking and stress are risk factors. So risk of miscarriage is very individual a 42 year old who is pregnant spontaneously for the 4th time with a partner in his 30's has a much lower risk than a first IVF pregnancy with 55 year old sperm.

Show quote history

No, previous birth history doesn’t affect the odds according to the article, although it probably affects how easily you get pregnant to start with.

Trianglesquarerectangle · 27/02/2023 13:55

I had a baby at 45. It was a miracle and it is tough but I wouldn't change it for the world. I really wouldn't abort, I would look on it as a gift.

herecomesthsun · 27/02/2023 16:56

Moonicorn · 26/02/2023 19:55

Yes you are.

www.nct.org.uk/pregnancy/miscarriage/miscarriage-your-questions-answered

The NCT specifically says 40% at 40, 75% at 45.

You can’t just make things up because it’s not what you want to believe.

Show quote history

See the BMJ (British Medical Journal) graph quoted below.

That is more authoritative than NCT figures, I would say, (speaking as a medically qualified person who did some NCT classes when I had my first child in my 40s).

As @Dyslexicwonder suggests, there is a sort of spectrum of risk, with some variations found between different studies and different groups of women.

In terms of the PP who is 42 and pregnant, it is definitely better to look at the genuinely positive and encouraging stats which do exist out there, than to listen to harbingers of doom on the internet. Please don't worry; it is much better for you and baby to relax and just take things cautiously day by day; lots of women in their 40s have healthy, successful pregnancies and I hope you will be among them Flowers

Trainnerd · 27/02/2023 18:17

Trianglesquarerectangle · 27/02/2023 13:55

I had a baby at 45. It was a miracle and it is tough but I wouldn't change it for the world. I really wouldn't abort, I would look on it as a gift.

🙄
So unhelpful when this sort of post comes along.

Ourshoddyhouse · 27/02/2023 19:30

It's very easy to tell OP that it'll be nice for her youngest, or it won't be that much different when it's going to have absolutely no impact on their lives what so ever (and I say that as someone struggling to conceive).

Good luck whatever you and DH decide to do 💐

ItchyBillco · 27/02/2023 19:52

Trianglesquarerectangle · 27/02/2023 13:55

I had a baby at 45. It was a miracle and it is tough but I wouldn't change it for the world. I really wouldn't abort, I would look on it as a gift.

You might not. But you’re not the OP.

Trianglesquarerectangle · 27/02/2023 19:56

And as she's stated it's not "something she could do", so it's worth reminding her that it's not the only answer and she shouldn't feel that it is. I forget that that's not an opinion that's easily tolerated on mumsnet though 🙄

Trianglesquarerectangle · 27/02/2023 19:57

@Ourshoddyhouse Of course it's going to have an impact, it's a baby. It doesn't mean that it would be the wrong decision to keep it.

catinboots123 · 27/02/2023 20:28

Sounds like hell OP. Do you want to be up the playground at 50?

Ourshoddyhouse · 27/02/2023 20:32

Trianglesquarerectangle · 27/02/2023 19:57

@Ourshoddyhouse Of course it's going to have an impact, it's a baby. It doesn't mean that it would be the wrong decision to keep it.

I mean it's not going to impact the lives of the other posters; I know it would impact OP 🙄

Redbushteaforme · 27/02/2023 20:46

Sounds like hell OP. Do you want to be up the playground at 50?

It's not hell for everyone. I was 52 when my IVF DS started primary school. I was delighted to be in the playground with him, and I will be sorry when he leaves primary school this summer. (I'll be 59 then.)

Obviously, OP has to decide how she will feel but I do wish people would stop making sweeping statements.

LadyJ2023 · 27/02/2023 20:53

I couldn't do abortion no matter what age I am.tbh you won't find that much of a difference with a 2 and newborn. We have 3 under 2 im 40 and wouldn't change a thing we have a teen who loves to help out and still has all his fun times aswell

TheBigWangTheory · 27/02/2023 20:53

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 26/02/2023 09:21

I wouldn’t be delighted but would go with it. These things happen for a reason and, although it will be hard at first, I doubt you’ll regret it in the long term.

They dont happen for any reason. It was random meeting of gametes that means nothing at all. OP doesn't have to continue a pregnancy that she never wanted.
And you have no clue what anyone else might regret and are completely unqualified to advise OP on this.

SharonKaren · 27/02/2023 21:00

Everyone will have a n opinion based on their own perceived stage in life and circumstances. You do you op. Pros are your toddler will have a sibling closer to him in age. You have no financial issues, thankfully. What's the worst if you're knackered? (without going into health risks, do you have any?) You'll be knackered but he or she will grow, be part of your family. Do you see yourself with 4 kids round the Christmas table? Will these 3-4 years be just temporary knackerdness? Do you feel you'll be very stressed and might lead to unstable feelings post natal? Only you know how you feel, and even then it's always a bit of a leap into the unknown...

Trianglesquarerectangle · 27/02/2023 21:28

@TheBigWangTheory well let’s be pleased your mum and dad didn’t view you as ‘a random meeting of gametes’ huh

Trainnerd · 27/02/2023 22:17

Trianglesquarerectangle · 27/02/2023 21:28

@TheBigWangTheory well let’s be pleased your mum and dad didn’t view you as ‘a random meeting of gametes’ huh

Why? That’s what we all were. The fact our parents chose to continue the pregnancy that was us doesn’t make the method of our conception any different to all the pregnancies that don’t continue for one reason or another.
Getting all mystic Meg about an unplanned pregnancy with ‘it’s meant to be’ and associated clap trap doesn’t help an intelligent rational woman come to a decision. In the end the OP needs some good impartial support whilst she reaches the conclusion that is right for her.