To be scared stiff of being pregnant at 45

[notsureconfused]

Long story short I have 2 older teens conceived through ivf. Very much thought we were done when I miraculously got pregnant naturally with our third at 43. It's been tough. We were used to having sleep again, more freedom etc and we've gone back to the start. Now I've discovered I'm pregnant again. Only now I'm 45, knackered with a 2 year old (plus the teens) & I'm very worried about coping all over again.

I may be overinvested- waiting endlessly for teen DS to get out of bed and stop watching cat videos so we can go out for lunch- but it isn't just two more years of doing the school run. As if the school run is the toughest part. It's adding a whole new person to y our family with their additional emotional requirements, medical requirements ( possibly), and financial requirements.

@LuckySantangelo35 Of course I read the thread. Including the post where OP wrote: ”It's such a confusing issue when you've had years of longing for a child to try to prevent a pregnancy.”
And indeed, if she hadn't 3 children, she wouldn't feel embarrassed now to have another baby.

@NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks

these things don’t happen for a reason - it’s just basic biology.

and people can and do regret having children - you see it on here all the time

@Terzani

her years of longing were before her three kids - not now!

I’d take a few days and think. You have a 2 yr old so it’s a very different kettle of fish to starting again with only teens. You know how life looks at your age with a baby.
Perimenopause hit me all at once at 46 - I aged years in 6months. But maybe yours will be later as you are still obviously fertile.
Best wishes whatever you decide.

Firstly, do not feel embarrassed. Life is always throwing up curveballs!

Reading your posts it doesn’t sound like either of you want to proceed with this, which is completely okay. You don’t owe the universe anything as you had ivf in the past.

I commented as I’ve not seen this mentioned much or at all, and please don’t take offence as I’m sure you’re a lovely mum, but you wouldn’t want to go through with this and have you, or your partner resent the child. I have cousins who grew up with resentful unhappy parents as they were unwanted, and it caused an unhappy family dynamic and they have had huge struggles knowing they weren’t particularly wanted.

good luck with everything and don’t be too hard on yourself.

Take a week or so to digest the news and think about what you want. Like a pp said, you don't owe the fertility gods karma and you should take the decision that's best for you and your existing family.

I'm one of those people @ChungusBoi mentions, having just recently had a mc at 45. I'm still processing it, the pregnancy was not planned (I have older DC and thought I was finished). Overall my feeling is that I'm sort of relieved the decision was taken out of my hands but am upset, having started to think about how another DC would fit into our lives.

My dc are teens and I've spent the last few years planning for getting them through university and worrying how to help with housing when they're older. All those plans would have to change and I can't help feeling it would disadvantage my DC to share with another person. It sort of sounds selfish when I think about it, but my priority would be my existing children I think. As I said, I was still processing all this when life intervened.

Speaking to a professionally trained person in confidence was so helpful, and I believe it helped me to deal with the mixture of feelings that came in the aftermath (I miscarried). I hope you can come to a decision that feels right for you. And whatever happens, please be kind to yourself.

X post @Clingthefilm 💐

Coping with a baby and toddler will be hard work.
Coping with teens A levels angst and Uni applications ( and the toing and froing up and down motorways) in your 60s might not be easy either. Your older teens may have families and careers of their own then so not in a position to help out.
I found teenage exams and Uni years harder work than having two toddlers in my teens.

Agree- And the “Little Miracle” comments-
Babies aren’t exactly rare.
They aren’t “ Happening for a reason”, they occur after sex if the woman is ovulating.

Will be company for your 3 year old which can take the pressure off you. However pregnancy might not go to term at age 45.

Not sure why posters put the other child first.
It's the OP who is going to looking after 2 under 5 at 45.
Siblings don't always get on. Some hate each other.

You should never have a child as company for an existing child.

I don't really see how two little children "take the pressure off".

They can play together sure, but they can also poke each other in the eye and get up to double the mischief. One's going one way at speed and the other's flat out tantrumming on the floor. 😂

If they play nicely, then great, it saves you having to play shop or whatever a bit, but it's still more work over all.

Honestly I wouldn’t but that’s me. Your toddler is only little for so long so I don’t buy the have a sibling for them. They have two what will be cooler siblings. The ones to help them with gf/bf drama sorry op but also the sneaky alcohol buyers. Their relationship will really come into its own once they have cars and this little sibling is cool to friends in the sense of showing little buddy things.

Sure your still in the baby/toddler stage again but honestly do you want to add a few more years into that?

A unhappy mother for the sake of but I had to have ivf before does not make a happy life.

gosh OP what a tricky situation!

Do you want another child?

Obviously not if they don't want to but they might!

I have sisters 11 and 13 years younger than me, I was happy to babysit when I was old enough (I probably got paid though I don't actually remember).

I’m 44 with a 7 year old - the thought of having another child now is horrific. I would have an abortion if it happened to me

I LOVE the primary school run!

OP, I’m ten years younger than you (roughly) and we just had an accidental pregnancy. There was never any doubt in my mind that I wouldn’t continue with it, although my husband would have been happy either way and made it clear he’d support me whatever I decided. I ended the pregnancy, but I was sure in my decision. I haven’t regretted it once. Having a third (my two are older now although not teens) just wouldn’t have been right for us and our lifestyle. What I’m saying is that this is a very personal decision and no one can really tell you what you should do. There’s no shame in either option, but you will have to live with your decision so don’t rush into it.

I can completely understand the feeling of conflict.

But the family hand grenade of a fourth, unexpected child, maternal age and higher risk of ‘complications’ and disability, plus the fact that you don’t really want another, would mean that if I were you, I’d want to take the option to not proceed before it got too much further down the line.

Whatever you decide, you absolutely should not feel guilty or like you have to proceed because of earlier fertility complications.

@Owlatnight

this!

it’s not the toddler that’s going to have undergo all the stress and strain, it’s op!
it’s what’s best for op that counts here - not the toddler!

“A unhappy mother for the sake of but I had to have ivf before does not make a happy life.”

I think this sums it up really well

A quick google shows that most medical sources quote the miscarriage rate at roughly 50/50 at 45. (not 75 percent)

After that the chances of birth defect is roughly 1 in 30.

Sounds like the advice my mother took when I pestered her for a sibling

That turned out so well

It's OK to say you're done.