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Original poster

To think most people don’t have a ‘support network’?

168 replies

Moonicorn · 25/02/2023 21:07

Just something I’ve noticed on here. There seems to be a belief that most women have a ‘support network’ of available family and friends ready to jump in if they ever need help, but this isn’t my experience?
Most of the women I know have some support, but more ‘somebody to phone for a moan now and then’ or ‘ask for a favour in an emergency’ rather than the ‘pop in and watch my kids/clean my house/be there for me 24/7’ type expected on here.

OP posts:
Charliescat · 25/02/2023 21:14

I always thought I did but in reality when the shit hits the fan the responses I’ve had from those I thought I could count on are things like ‘sorry to hear that ‘ ‘it could be worse ‘ the worst probably being when my grandma died my friends proceeded to tell me about other friends of theirs who had also experienced bereavement the same day . I genuinely don’t give a shit about anyone now outside of my immediate family as I’m tired of being the go to friend for everyone else but when I’m going through a shit time like now no one is there for me .

RunningFromInsanity · 25/02/2023 21:25

I’m single and although have friends from various hobbies, I do worry about a lack of ‘best friend’.

I am close with my family and although my parents and sister live a couple hours away, when I had my depressive breakdown, they all dropped everything and drove to me.

When I was ill with Covid, I was pleasantly surprised that 3 individual friends offered to come and walk my dog for me.

I will say that they are all childless or have older children so I guess they have more time than someone with younger children might have.

SongChaser · 25/02/2023 21:26

Not family, but I have a lovely set of friends and we’d do anything for each other. We’ve been through a lot together and if any one of us has a problem, we’re all there. Our kids are all close, we all go on holiday together and other than my partner, they are the people that I know I can rely on for anything.

TirisfalPumpkin · 25/02/2023 21:27

Yeah, agree, I don’t think it’s a thing. I thought I had one but actually a lot of people were using me and there was no reciprocity. I’ve tried to lower my expectations and be more independent without getting totally isolated and misanthropic in the process.

VinoPleaseforOne · 25/02/2023 21:29

SongChaser · 25/02/2023 21:26

Not family, but I have a lovely set of friends and we’d do anything for each other. We’ve been through a lot together and if any one of us has a problem, we’re all there. Our kids are all close, we all go on holiday together and other than my partner, they are the people that I know I can rely on for anything.

That’s absolutely lovely. How lucky are you all. Hold on tight to them all because this is a very rare thing ❤️

Babyleafy · 25/02/2023 21:30

A support network is something you need to consciously build. It doesn't just happen. E.g I work in school so I always offered loads of favours during school holidays so I had people to call if I needed help after school.

Doing favours and having a "favour bank" is a powerful thing. No one keeps a formal tally, but everyone knows subconsciously when they owe or are owed.

UsingChangeofName · 25/02/2023 21:31

Most of the women I know have some support, but more ‘somebody to phone for a moan now and then’ or ‘ask for a favour in an emergency’ rather than the ‘pop in and watch my kids/clean my house/be there for me 24/7’ type expected on here.

I'm not sure where you are getting te idea anyone has an expectation that people will ‘pop in and watch my kids/clean my house/be there for me 24/7’

You are just making stuff up now.

I certainly have people that will help me out if needed. They could be referred to as a 'support network' but I wouldn't expect any of that you are suggesting. Doesn't mean I don't have a network of people, or 'communities' if you like, who support me when I need it.

Withnailandeye · 25/02/2023 21:31

We can only ever really draw on our experiences though? I have a support network of friends who would do anything for me, I’ve currently got one of their children upstairs sleeping whilst she’s in OOO vets getting her dog stitched back together. I also have a brilliant family. All of my friends have similar, and so from my own experience yes, we all have good support networks and it is “a thing” for more than just a Friday cocktail or a WhatsApp rant.

UsingChangeofName · 25/02/2023 21:33

VinoPleaseforOne · 25/02/2023 21:29

That’s absolutely lovely. How lucky are you all. Hold on tight to them all because this is a very rare thing ❤️

Show quote history

I don't think it is rare at all.
I am part of several communities who support people all the time.

redpatternedquilt · 25/02/2023 21:34

I have no idea if having or not having a support network is the norm in the uk.
I think it's a negative consequence of societal change which has forced both parents to work full time while bringing up children. This, alongside many people moving away from their local area and consequently from their families, means that a support network is not readily available for many.

pizzaHeart · 25/02/2023 21:36

I have neither family in UK no support network to ask in case of emergency. I’m moaning on MN.
I think I’m in minority though due to my circumstances.

Original poster
Moonicorn · 25/02/2023 21:37

I'm not sure where you are getting te idea anyone has an expectation that people will ‘pop in and watch my kids/clean my house/be there for me 24/7’

I’ve seen quite a few threads on here where (for example) somebody’s parent has died (of old age I mean not anything very premature or tragic), and the poster has complained that their friends ‘just sent a text/phoned’ and ‘hasn’t come over to see how I am or sent flowers’. I just feel like the expectations are a bit OTT. Maybe I’m low maintenance!

OP posts:
Mamaneedsadrink · 25/02/2023 21:39

I think I do if I needed it, if I asked someone for a favour even if I hadn't seen then for a very long time. But I don't ask because I'm not like that. Although in an absolute emergency I would, and I'd be happy and willing to help out a friend too. I also think to have this, it goes both ways so as a couple we don't do this often. Eg if we are moving we'll pay for movers, if we need a lift to the airport we'll get a taxi/uber as we don't want to feel obligated to do the same. Life feels easier that way.

JaninaDuszejko · 25/02/2023 21:39

I think if you live in the same community you grew up in then you will have a support network of family and old friends who will do this. If you live in a big city you will have a support network of friends who are all equally far away from family and support each other.

DH and I both live far away from family but in a town where most people are local. It can feel lonely at times because everyone else has family who can do babysitting etc but we don't have that. We can't build up favours because nobody else needs them. We're basically waiting for our eldest to turn 16 so we have a babysitter.

Guavafish1 · 25/02/2023 21:42

Depends on your personality and you're friends.

I have a friend who has limited support network... not many friends as she alienated them with her selfish attitude, her family have distanced themself's due to the constant drama but she does have her elderly parents.

Whilst another friend who is well liked at work, part of political group and extend family is well liked and she has a large support system. Which she can rely on and very helpful in difficult times. My friend is a funny person.

I think the difference between my two friends is personality, how much you give and the type of friends group.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 25/02/2023 21:43

I have family that would be here in a heartbeat in an emergency, but they're going through their own tough times. I don't really have any friends, years of sickness and raising kids with SEN, they're both very isolating things. We have a local online support group for parents of SEN kids which can be great, but again none of these people have extra capacity, most of them really need help, but like most parents of children with SEN they're struggling on on their own. Stbxh is the opposite of a support network, it's easier when he's not here.

I think the stages of life you're all at can effect available support. Sometimes it's that people lack the capacity to carry anything more rather then not wanting to help. I know some lovely women from our support group, but they're as stretched as I am. When we were in early adulthood we had a lot of free time and energy, now everyone has young kids and mortgages, some are caring for parents as well, some are struggling with mental health or SEN or disability or chronic illness, they're all juggling too much. The village can't exist if no one has the capacity to take on more than they're currently carrying.

MrsMikeDrop · 25/02/2023 21:45

Moonicorn · 25/02/2023 21:37

I'm not sure where you are getting te idea anyone has an expectation that people will ‘pop in and watch my kids/clean my house/be there for me 24/7’

I’ve seen quite a few threads on here where (for example) somebody’s parent has died (of old age I mean not anything very premature or tragic), and the poster has complained that their friends ‘just sent a text/phoned’ and ‘hasn’t come over to see how I am or sent flowers’. I just feel like the expectations are a bit OTT. Maybe I’m low maintenance!

I would hope in a friend would come over and check if I wanted it (in fact this happened to me a few years ago and I was overwhelmed by the support I received even from colleagues at a place I used to work at that I wasn't even close to who still worked with the friend and knew the circumstances). I think a tragedy is quite different from being there for someone 24/7 or watching your kids while you clean. In the latter is suggest getting a babysitter or a cleaner! Although if a friend asked I would do it as a one off.

Withnailandeye · 25/02/2023 21:46

JaninaDuszejko · 25/02/2023 21:39

I think if you live in the same community you grew up in then you will have a support network of family and old friends who will do this. If you live in a big city you will have a support network of friends who are all equally far away from family and support each other.

DH and I both live far away from family but in a town where most people are local. It can feel lonely at times because everyone else has family who can do babysitting etc but we don't have that. We can't build up favours because nobody else needs them. We're basically waiting for our eldest to turn 16 so we have a babysitter.

I moved to this village 13 years ago knowing no one but my husband. I found my babysitter through preschool, my now inner circle through hobbies/baby groups/ school gates/work. My friend whose child I’m looking after this evening has no family here, I’m not looking after her little boy to “bank favours” for babysitting, I’m doing it because she’s my friend and she needed my help. It is possible and common to build your own team in a new area, I accept that I’m quite confident when it comes to putting myself out there and making friends - my job requires a degree of business development so I suppose I’m a professional conversation starter. But I’ve always needed interaction and with my husband working very long hours, it was do or die for my social life to build friendships.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 25/02/2023 21:51

There's my parents and that's it.

And moving has made no difference. I had no friends where I grew up, moved, made no new friends as I was out all day at work - I did look for local things to do but they were always during working hours.

Moved again after having DS, was working so my parents took him to school and picked him up so I never got to know any other parents.

DS can be difficult and generally won't stay with anyone except my parents, possibly my sister.

DoesItMakeYouFeelBetter · 25/02/2023 21:52

I can’t speak for others because I don’t have access to them, so I can only speak for myself, and I have no one.

WentForAWalk · 25/02/2023 21:53

I grew up in, and live in London. I've had my circle of close friends (7 people) for between 20 and 50 years.

I'm very lucky and could all on them, or my family 24/7.

statetrooperstacey · 25/02/2023 21:53

I do , I have a a couple of really close friends and several good friends, nice funny lively helpful colleagues who I have a good relationship with, also a large helpful and kind family.

However, I would always answer my door at any time of day or night even if I wasn’t expecting anybody, I would go out of my way to help anybody with anything I could , I don’t go lc or nc at the drop of a hat, I don’t take offence easily , I wouldn’t start a thread complaining that I’d only been invited to an evening wedding reception or that my baby wasn’t invited, or that people didn’t talk to me much at the school gates, or someone glared at me , or a man beeped at me going round a roundabout and shook his fist or my kid didn’t get invited to a party I thought they should have been invited to, or a teacher did or possibly didn’t say something that may or may not have been a bit sarcastic or any of the other bollocks that so many people get het up about. A lot of people ( mainly on here) seem to very unforgiving and intolerant of others, which they can dress up as ‘ strong boundaries’ . I can see how that can leave some people with no support network!! You get out what you put in in my opinion.

Toddlerteaplease · 25/02/2023 21:55

I do at the minute, as my parents only live half an hour away. And they are fab in ab emergency. However they are planning to move to the town my sister life's in. It's a good move for them. But I had an emergency the Other day and it made realise that I have no one who would be able to help in the same way.

ColdHandsHotHead · 25/02/2023 21:56

I think the people who have this sort of network have lived in the same place all their lives and have family nearby. I moved to the town where I live during lockdown and have not really had much opportunity to meet people, plus I am an introvert. However I needed a favour a few months ago and posted a request for help on the local facebook page and two people offered to help. So you could call that a support network, though not a traditional one.

Switchwitch · 25/02/2023 21:58

Babyleafy · 25/02/2023 21:30

A support network is something you need to consciously build. It doesn't just happen. E.g I work in school so I always offered loads of favours during school holidays so I had people to call if I needed help after school.

Doing favours and having a "favour bank" is a powerful thing. No one keeps a formal tally, but everyone knows subconsciously when they owe or are owed.

But many people won't be able to 'consciously build' one, and as above many people who think they have don't get their favours reciprocated. I work 50-60 hour weeks so it's hard to do favours for others. There are two mums who constantly ask for me to pick up their DC. I do it, but whenever we've been in a tight spot they haven't helped out at all. People tend to help out those they go out with in the mums group, but I can't as I tend to be working. So I agree with OP, many people don't have access to a support network unless they can afford to outsource/pay for it.