To think most people don’t have a ‘support network’?

[Moonicorn]

Just something I’ve noticed on here. There seems to be a belief that most women have a ‘support network’ of available family and friends ready to jump in if they ever need help, but this isn’t my experience?
Most of the women I know have some support, but more ‘somebody to phone for a moan now and then’ or ‘ask for a favour in an emergency’ rather than the ‘pop in and watch my kids/clean my house/be there for me 24/7’ type expected on here.

Maybe it depends where you live? My observation is that I'm a rarity in not having any family around. Most people seem to have at least one of their parents and parents-in-law about plus often a sibling or two or grandparents.

I tried to set up a babysitting circle when my DC were little. I couldn't find anyone willing to join it because everyone I knew had at least 2 or 3 family members they could ask anyway.

My family have always been 250miles away (I moved away) so no I’ve never had anyone who could come in an emergency. I’ve got a local friend who would come in a real emergency but sadly not a group of people ready to jump in. Most of my friends have their parent / a parent nearby which helps

It needs to be build, it doesn't happen without putting in the work.

I have no emotional support. Practical, yes. But never emotional.
I am always there for everyone else but nobody there for me. My family seem to see me as a robot who has no emotions. I've tried to just numb it all, easier that way. People are unreliable on the whole. I'm envious of those who have emotional support and who can speak about their feelings. Very lucky if you have people in your life like that.

My point isn’t that they’re too hard or impossible to acquire, just that simply most women don’t have one - whether that’s because of practical reasons like living away from family, or just not feeling like they need one enough to put the effort in to build it. If that makes sense.

I think you're right for most people. But they probably don't realise as they've never had to put their faith in support systems to the test. In reality other people would probably show up to help for a week at most.

DH is my support network and I am his.
We have been through thick and thin together. I read on some other threads that people only have themselves, which I really admire.
We both love our families but I think favouritism is rife and when we have needed support it just hasn't been there. Our work patterns (plus young DCs) meant that we couldn't cultivate new friendships, old friends weren't very nice to us so we were happy to drift away. It is what it is.

We have no family to help, asd child, dh works long hours. I have great friends but not local. I’ve done my best to build a network here, it’s been ok I think.

we moved here in our thirties before having dc And wanted to be part of the community. It’s been a conscious effort. - made parent friends, invited people over, help others out, and I find others reciprocate. I was in the pra for a few years and still help when I can. I am quite confident though so don’t mind chatting to people. Dh is an introvert and leans on me to make friends, though he does try.

I don't think it's helpful to blame people's personalities for their lack of support network, I could just as easily point out that IMHO the people who continually expect others to help them out with the basics of having children tend to be quite selfish users who never ask their 'support network' if they are happy to do what they expected of them. For example my DB and SIL regularly expect DM to babysit their 3DC and collie dog while they go off on week long couples holidays abroad and weekends away in the UK to pursue their hobbies. DM also does all the wrap around care for DNs and give DBro lunch every day that SIL works. In comparison, we have only asked friends for help when a parent has died or a child has been born prematurely (and DM came to help for a week after each DC was born but has otherwise done no childcare for us, MIL was willing but had FIL to care for and now is getting too frail herself).

I think they do, I’m a lone parent with no support at all, I’ve had people on here utterly shocked that if I’m sick and unable to get my children to school that I literally have no one that can help. People seem baffled by it and insist there must be SOMEONE even a neighbour/ school mum 🙄 people seem shocked some people have no support at all

My personal experience is a severe lack of a support network. I experienced extremely premature birth and we had zero support except our parents who would come visit in the 3 months we were in hospital and after we got home. We don't have any friends who we could rely on in an emergency really. Maybe in an absolute dire need there is one couple who might be able to say come round to our house and watch our kids for an hour or so. We don't have anybody who could collect them from nursery or anything like that. And I really hate the "Surely there is somebody you could ask" type comments that come up in discussion whether with ourselves or that we see directed towards others online when expressing that there is nobody to help. No, there isn't anybody. People just don't seem to understand it because they have that support network and can't imagine anybody not having it.

This. Entirely this. They are so weirdly confused by it!

I was always the one offering help, volunteering etc. It wasn’t reciprocated when my DH was in ITU and spent several weeks in a hospital miles away from home when we had a 5 year old. No ‘Favour bank’ for me sadly.
Things are going to be horrendous over the next few months, I’m not even expecting an acknowledgement these days, I know I’m on my own despite seeing others through deaths, divorces and illnesses.

we had zero support except our parents who would come visit in the 3 months we were in hospital and after we got home.

Sorry to split hairs but you didn’t have ‘zero support’ then? You had your parents (both sets?) making regular visits?

We pay for every scrap of help we have. And for various reasons, our families aren't able to offer much in the way of emotional support. If I'm in a bit of a low mood anyway, I find myself feeing pretty sad / resentful when I see grandparents helping with the school run etc. Just not our reality. I'm sure it's the same for many - particularly in large cities.

they've never had to put their faith in support systems to the test. In reality other people would probably show up to help for a week at most.

See I would be very touched if a friend took a week out of work and caring for their own families to help me. I’m surprised some people feel owed more than that?!

100% this.

I think this SO often on MN threads.
I have support networks, but then I would help out anyone who needed it, if I were able to and I always try and treat people the way I would like to be treated myself.
Other than on MN, I have never come across people who expect everything they do for someone to be directly reciprocated, but when I point this out on threads, someone will always trot out things suggesting I am a 'doormat', or being taken advantage of.

I've helped out all sorts of people who aren't able to help me back. I do what I consider to be perfectly normal things of offering lifts to people who don't have a car, or (when the dc were younger) asking their friends round to play - er, because my dc wanted them to come and play - without caring a jot if my dc had been to their hose or not.
But then, I have also received support and favours from different people who have helped me out when I needed it.
I will however ask them.
I also trust other people, and have never been one of these people who couldn't possibly leave their dc with a babysitter.

You get out what you put in in my opinion.
it’s true in a way but some people have different circumstances then others. It’s not that you keep you do open or don’t complain about parties @statetrooperstacey , it’s not enough , believe me.
@EliflurtleTripanInfinite is right if you have health issues yourself or your child has additional needs your life is very lonely and it’s not about your personality.

I have people who in a true emergency would watch my kids, but it would need to be something pretty serious. That whole getting nana to watch the kids while you go for a run or buy groceries thing? No. Never had anything like that and I don't think many people where I live do.

My fil did take my older dc when I gave birth to my youngest though, but that was a huge favour and would definitely only be in extraordinary circumstances like a new baby.

Well it wasn't really support tbh. They provided no emotional or mental support. No hugs. Didn't bring food or any other supplies. Didn't ask how i was after my emergency section and subsequent infections. Didn't help with anything really. In fact it was mostly my mum who would show up at the hospital unannounced without checking it was ok, touch the babies despite being told not to for infection control, make arsey comments towards me and then leave in a huff because she wasn't getting enough attention and I didn't have the energy to deal with her narcissism. I think my partners mum came very briefly a few times. Again offering no real practical or emotional support. But yeah if you want to split hairs we didn't get "zero" visits but it definitely didn't feel very much like support. And we still have none or anybody to rely on in a time of need. I was actually trying to support your point.

I did have a big emergency once when DH had an extended stay in hospital. I’ve always considered myself helpful and gone out of my way to help out.
When it happened I was shocked at the number of friends who basically disappeared, some never even asking how he was. One after a few days seem to think it was okay to start asking favours from me, even though I was in no position to help anyone.
It’s reduced my tolerance for people enormously. Lots of people like to say ‘let me know if you need anything’ but when you ask they come up with incredibly weak excuses and distance themselves.
These people all still expect favours themselves btw.

My support network is all bought. Childminder, au-pair, cleaning lady who I rely on and can look after the kids in an emergency (not for a baby , youngest was about 6 when I first asked). I have backups for everyone.
I have close family friends but can't rely on them for this kind of stuff.

No family nearby.

I have no one at all. The thought of getting seriously I'll terrifies me because if I went into hospital my kids would be taken into care 😩

I’ve always presumed it’s simply a large family thing, and only if you happen to be born into one. I have parents, sisters, in-laws and adult children nearby, as well as cousins, aunts etc. I have zero friends I’ve made though that I would describe as part of a support network, just people I chat to or socialise with.

I babysit 3 kids for a neighbour fairly regularly, they will often be round here on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon to give her a break

She gives me lifts sometimes or will let me know when she's going shopping if I'm ill and my DH is away in case I need anything picking up

I have another neighbour who petsits for us and they are fab

Then a different neighbour gives me a lift once a month to a club we go to and if she can't go she's lovely and always checks if someone else is going my way (I don't expect this or the lift she's just lovely )

And I know off the top of my head 7 neighbours who I could knock on the door of in an emergency and they would help me if they could

I've lived in the village for 4 years and whilst I am from this area I only knew one person in the village when I moved and very very vaguely as she was a dinner lady at the school I went to

I also babysit for family and have had a niece living with me for a little while when it made a siblings life easier due to health reasons

I think sometimes parents make it harder for themselves. I've seen enough comments on here about people who can barely being themselves to leave their child with their own family (and I don't mean in cases where there is clear overstepping of boundaries) never mind friends and neighbours. But you see things in the news so it's not like I don't understand why