To think most people don’t have a ‘support network’?

[Moonicorn]

Just something I’ve noticed on here. There seems to be a belief that most women have a ‘support network’ of available family and friends ready to jump in if they ever need help, but this isn’t my experience?
Most of the women I know have some support, but more ‘somebody to phone for a moan now and then’ or ‘ask for a favour in an emergency’ rather than the ‘pop in and watch my kids/clean my house/be there for me 24/7’ type expected on here.

No family nearby for us and I'm supporting my mum who is 2 hours away and getting trailer.

We buy in a lot of help- cleaner and childcare/ holiday clubs.

I have built up a network of friends I can ask for help and I also offer help lots. I have a couple of friends who I have dropped everything and helped in an emergency and they have done the same for me too.

I offer lots of playdates in the holidays and feel like I am constantly offering favours and then having to call in favours. It's exhausting working FT and trying to cover school holidays.

I have been very jealous of those with more support in the past as my children were awful sleepers and I would have given my right leg for someone to take them overnight occasionally. They both sleep now and I'm far less jealous!

Having been hugely let down by friends who we had helped enormously in their times of crisis, we’ve long since plumped for the ‘we are our own support network’ Dh and myself. If one of us goes, we’ve always ensured that we both know how to do everything, so it might take longer but we are still our own individual support unit.
Rely on yourself, because you cannot rely on anyone else.

I will also say I've supported my friends lots too in emotional crisises.

Society is not set up to encourage us to support each other well. Most couple both work FT - my generation will have a pension at 68yo ( supposedly!). We work long hours, commute long distances. Jobs squeeze every drop they can out of you. We cant afford decent housing. There is no longer a network of housewives and sahm to provide community.

There is very little time left over to support others from your time. Believe me I've done it and it leads to burnout.

I always see people say “no family nearby so no support next work” like it’s just a given that if you live near family they will help. I’m 10 mins from my mum and she has never helped me in any way.

When people talk of support networks it is support they want, rarely I see it mentioned the other way round? About how the poster mentioning the support they give

I like the idea of banking favours, I think the problem is you can't rely on the favours for be returned to I'd rather not be let down (as I've seem this happen to others, and I'm someone who finds it hard to kwg things go so it would eat away at me). I am genuinely supportive emotionally to friends and if they asked me something I would do it; and vice versa I'd hope, although haven't really needed it (or asked for it)

I used to think I did. But last year my mum died very suddenly, I had a then 2 year old and an 8 week old baby… did anyone offer to help me clear her home out, or to look after my children so I could do it without having to take them with me? Did anyone help me to organise her funeral, or go through all the shitty paperwork? Nope. Not one fucker helped. And I’m sadly including my own family in that. Trite, useless text messages and bunches of flowers aplenty but that was it.

Now, if ever I’m aware of someone I care about being in any kind of a tight spot, I offer my help. Not as in a “let me know if there’s anything I can do” on WhatsApp… I will actually offer to babysit or take their kids out, or to drive them to hospital appointments, or drop off a few frozen batch cooks. Actually offer actual real support.

I have two adult children who are a wonderful support to dh and I with our youngest children. But not so much with extended family and definitely not friends.

Many people don't have family round them, we don't. But you can build a support network if you try and are prepared to.
I do think most people's expectations are too high though. Helping someone arrange the actual funeral is too much, a text is enough. Asking someone to take a week off, or offer to clean house when parent passed, or having their kids for more than an hour or so, is expecting too much.

This should be pinned to the top of every friend-related post!

completely agree!

Me too, totally agree. DH makes zero effort with family and friends and gets zero back. I'm the opposite and have lots of support to call on if needed. Not just support, but company. People who I care about who care about me that I spend my time with

I have a sister who has rung me every day while I've been ill. And a DH who does everything in his power to help me. I feel very lucky to have them.

And a daughter who's very supportive too.

I thought I had a support network until I was in a difficult situation and one friend I particular let me down badly/ made things worse. We are no longer friends.

Some friends were there for me though.

It's made me very wary of asking for support tbh!

Yanbu. I see some people in here expressing disbelief that anyone could be isolated because THEY have people they can turn to.

yeah try being disabled with a disabled child and see how fast that "village" disappears!

I started a thread about this very thing yesterday in relationships and you commented on it OP at 20:58 then started this thread about ten mins later. I think it’s a very individual thing and it’s all relative. For me I feel like I have nobody as I’ve had nobody to call for a recent event and nobody to ask for childcare help for my Sen child and it’s been hard.

I did assume that the majority of people have a least one person they could call for a chat/cry in hard times. I have a dh but don’t want to over burden him and sometimes i do wish I could call my mum / sister but can’t due to past trauma.

I do. Amazing local group of friends when kids little we had each others back for emergency childcare if I were running late there were at least 4 mums I could ring. Since then only one person has needed support one friend became chronically ill as a group we did care package and we ensure always one of us there to meet up when she’s reaches out that she’s up to it and wants company etc.

I have an "emergency" support network, I suppose. If I suddenly needed to go to hospital there are people I could call to come and sit with the kids. I don't have day to day options though, at least not for anything more than folks to rant to. If the kids are poorly one of us has to take a day off as no nearby family willing to take them, etc.

Same here. School gate mums. We did a mum's Deliveroo when one person's DH had a brain problem, some helped with ironing etc. Even now when we see less of each other people are there in an emergency.

We have a lot of emergency options from family or nearby parent friends; old friends are further away but would turn up if asked. Even the neighbours, a whole bunch of them on the end of a WhatsApp, are the type to step up if asked. If we needed a school pick-up / food dropped to hospital / borrow a thing, then it wouldn't matter who couldn't help because there are a lot of options. A lot of support offered with a recent bereavement too, though I only needed the emotional support of going out for a chat and the practical support of choosing some funeral arrangements (the religious friend).

Like OP though, we rarely ask for help and don't ask nor expect anyone to turn up regularly to help out or babysit. The idea of that is quite alien to me, and I also find those comments jarring to see, though we do have a cleaner so I guess it's just outsourced. We wouldn't get much regular help even if we did expect it.

I live in Ireland and it’s normal for most parents to have amazing support networks and actually most people on mn seem to also.
I can’t stand it when others don’t get that it’s not like this for everyone. I’ve made wonderful friends here and although they prob would help in an emergency they don’t need reciprocal support or childcare swaps etc as they all have that with their families so it’s not at all the norm to reach out and although I always offer help if they are stuck etc the dynamic isn’t there to all help each other as they have families for that …. All the friends I know have had financial support, help with childcare and emotional support. For whatever reason my family are completely hands off , always been this way ( lots of lovely messages but always distance ), no invites really , very detached.. When my dcs were small I was very isolated , it didn’t matter if I was sick , sleep deprived ( chronically for years ) nothing induced an offer of help . My dhs family have loads of issues and are really dysfunctional so absolutely no support there , in fact they would cause work and take money given the chance.
We’ve accepted this a long time ago , there’s nothing that we can do about it , I’d love if my mum wanted to spend time with me and my dcs like in a playground or something but she never did and doesn’t.
My dh are a real team but actually are quite isolated and it’s not something we feel we can talk about , also I think because of our complete lack of support we can be embarrassed or I image others assume there’s been some big issue or why we don’t ever have family at our house or events etc . We have tried.
Of course it’s a first world problem.
I just hate the assumption you can build your own support , I’ve lovely friends but they all have family for this , it isn’t at all the norm where I am 🤷🏻‍♀️