To think most people don’t have a ‘support network’?

[Moonicorn]

Just something I’ve noticed on here. There seems to be a belief that most women have a ‘support network’ of available family and friends ready to jump in if they ever need help, but this isn’t my experience?
Most of the women I know have some support, but more ‘somebody to phone for a moan now and then’ or ‘ask for a favour in an emergency’ rather than the ‘pop in and watch my kids/clean my house/be there for me 24/7’ type expected on here.

You get out what you put in isn't necessarily true at an individual level. It's more at a societal level where there has undeniably been a shift to a more insular way of life. Of course there are people out there who try very hard to build links, but unless the people around you are equally on board with it, it will be a one way street. There are bound to be generous inclusive people who end up without support themselves, because there's not enough of them.

On the flip side I feel expectations of others can be unrealistically high and there’s an element of ‘don’t ask dont get’. Quite a few responses about nobody offering to do X or Y in times of crisis, but I wonder if those posters actually asked?

A lot of people, for whatever reason, find it difficult enough to ask for help when they’re not in crisis, and you want them to to do it when their lives have been turned upside down?

Most of the women I know have some support, but more ‘somebody to phone for a moan now and then’ or ‘ask for a favour in an emergency’ rather than the ‘pop in and watch my kids/clean my house/be there for me 24/7’ type expected on here.

I don't really understand why people would need the latter on a regular basis, unless they have a chronic illness/ disability etc. If you're a normal adult, why would you need someone to come and clean your house and be there for you 24/7?

I don't offer or receive that sort of support because I'm a functioning adult and I/ most of my friends just don't need it.

If someone I care about became ill and needed that level of help, then I would certainly help them as much as I could/ help them to find the support they needed.

But I really don't think that's a normal level of support for a friend/ 'support network' to give.

Well it depends on your circumstances doesn’t it?
If you have time to get involved in things and build connections and friendships, then you have a support network. Or if you have living family, you have a support network.
If you don’t have that time or that family, then you don’t.
The ironic thing is that probably the people who most need the support network, don’t have the time or resources to build it.

100% this^

I have one made up of my friends and neighbours, but my family are next to useless. The problem with that is, the majority of my friends don’t have children so if I need help last minute with my 10 month old that can be a bit difficult. I think when she’s older it’ll be easier (I’m not a baby person and had barely held one before I had my own so I don’t blame them of being scared of having her for more than a brief period!) help with the dogs or the house or anything NOT baby related I’m sorted 😂

I did feel sad about it a month or so ago when my parents let me down for a really stupid reason on a morning I was supposed to be at the chemo suite for blood tests and a line flush. All my friends who would have DD were at work, DH couldn’t get home from work quick enough for my appointment, I had absolutely no one. I had to take her there (in tears). Obv children aren’t allowed in the chemo area but thankfully two of the wonderful office staff looked after her in there - not their job, they could prob have got in trouble for it and would have been totally within their rights to say no. I don’t know what I would have done if they did say no as I needed that appointment. That made me feel really envious of people who can leave their DC with family whenever/wherever.

I have no one. Only dh.

Which means I go through all the shit alone. I’m being told some bad news on Tuesday, the latest on a long line, this time it’s when my consultant thinks I will go blind. But I have to go alone, just like everything else that I’ve had that’s been shit as dh has to look after the children.

I’ve never had a close circle of friends, I was bullied at school, never went to university, moved around, got divorced and had to move again.

In a totally new area now, again. In laws don’t like me and to be honest l, wouldn’t trust them with a hamster, let alone my children anyway. My mum has been dead since I was a child, my dad is in a care home out of his mind with dementia. No siblings.

I have no one to call for a chat, no one to lean on.

The mums at the school gate here are wildly different people to me, I take my toddler to groups but I am 20 years older than the other mums so have little in common. It’s really hard.

There’s a happy medium. I know people with no support network and I also know people who literally could not function without their parents involved. Which I’ll be honest I think is a bit pathetic when you’re pushing 40…

If you're a normal adult, why would you need someone to come and clean your house and be there for you 24/7?
My friend is a teacher. Her workload is so heavy that she doesn’t have time for anything else. Her own mum cleans and does laundry for her while she’s at work, and often preps meals too. If she didn’t have that support she’d be unable to continue teaching, the workload is just too heavy.

Oh ffs 🙄

how do you think the junior doctors, lawyers and accountants fit it all in? They don’t have 13 weeks off a year either…

This is a very good point. I'd be happy to take any child from DS's class for a night if there was an issue for the parents; I'd worry more about the one with physical additional needs, but we'd make it work. Drop-off or pick-up for a neighbour is also fine and we are emergency contact when the dad is unwell (the kid knows he can come here or a couple of other neighbours for help), but I wouldn't commit to have him every week, just an occasional few hours. So that is still just emergency cover, which goes to OP's point; most people don't have regular ongoing support in place unless they pay for it.

That's just ridiculous. Clearly you have no idea how many hours most other professions put in. She could also get a cleaner. Making a meal isn't an arduous task surgery unless you choose to make it one.

So. I have no support network. The day that DH and I were both so ill that we couldn't get out of bed we had to physically muddle through and somehow care for a baby. No one to call on.

But just taking a child to school, especially if you are taking your own child anyway? Unless you live in a completely different direction to every other parent (unlikely even for rural schools), then asking the parent of one of your DC's friends, or someone who lives locally to you just to take your child to school isn't really having a support network. It's something that 99% of parents would do as a one off without even thinking twice. So, it is confusing if you genuinely can't find someone to do this. So I think most people presume that there probably are people but you don't like to ask.

Do you never talk to another parent at school? Is there no class Whatsapp/Facebook group? Does your child never go to playdates or parties? Would you not so much as say "good morning" and exchange small talk with someone who lived near you with a child at the same school? If the answer to all of those is genuinely "no", then perhaps it's worth you considering whether having such an isolated life is really a good thing for you or your child.

No, I don't know any other parents at my child's nursery. Its very much a drop off and pick up situation and very seldom any social type events where parents go along. Usually there are only a couple of other parents around if any at all. They aren't school age yet so maybe that might change but at the moment no. Nor do I know anybody who lives locally who could take them or collect them from nursery. Partially because it's not possible to walk to their nursery. But even if it was, I can't think of anybody I know or who I could ask.

Sorry to answer your other questions. In the 18 months my children have been at nursery, there have been no parties or playdates. There is no WhatsApp or other chat group that I'm aware of. I only moved to this area shortly before they started at nursery. My partner is from here. But I wouldn't have had anybody in my previous area either. But I do suspect people would have been more social in my old town. They're not as chatty or friendly here.

Replied to myself by accident!

Sorry, to answer your other questions. In the 18 months my children have been at nursery, there have been no parties or playdates. There is no WhatsApp or other chat group that I'm aware of. I only moved to this area shortly before they started at nursery. My partner is from here. But I wouldn't have had anybody in my previous area either. But I do suspect people would have been more social in my old town. They're not as chatty or friendly here.

@doublethelove I was talking about taking school age children to school, not pre-school children to nursery. Entirely different scenario.

Totally understand. I'm hoping it will be different when my children start school. I feel like I've come across as some weird isolated hermit haha. I'm actually quite chatty and sociable and would help anybody out in a time of need. It's been a culture shock moving here and I had expected to spend a lot more time with my partners old friends but for whatever reason that hasn't happened. People also seem to keep themselves to themselves a LOT more than where I'm from.

This falls into a birds of a feather situation imo.

As on the flip side to your post I don’t know one person who doesn’t have a support network, large ones at that.

Im lucky I have 30 odd people who would be there for me and the DC at a drop of a hat, this is normal for my friends, co workers and general acquaintances as well.

@Thepeopleversuswork
I agree with you that only having one person work in a family definitely has negatives,it's just that this particular negative ( the lack of support system) is for the most part due to the fact that in general "work" limits your capability to be flexible when it comes to supporting friends and family. This usually is most evident when bringing up a young family, but also when trying to support the elderly or people who have serious illnesses or disability.

When my DC were at their (large) primary school I didn't know anyone with teenagers, all the other parents had primary age kids only. I would think it would be quite unusual to have a e.g. a 5yo in reception and a 17yo. None of our neighbours had teenagers either,

Doesn't have to be a sibling though.
For example when mine were little, we asked one of the teenagers who helped out at my eldest's swimming lessons.
My dd was a Young Leader at cubs, and was asked by more than one of the parents who knew her through cubs.
Someone who worked with my dh sat for us at one point.
I remember sitting for more than one person who was a friend of my parents, and another who was a friend of a colleague.

Its good now as my kids much older but no op we had nobody in early years. Got depressing at times nobody to call on. I guess you get on with it. Used be envious of those with loads help. Felt neighbours didnt want to be asked.. prob easier with young grandparents ours were elderly

You have to nurture these things. If I pop over to my best friend’s house at teatime I’m always given tea. If she goes away for the night it goes without saying I’ll look after her dog. If one of us has a hospital appointment we’ll drive each other etc. We have other friends in our group we can call on too.
We’ve made it that way though.

@redskydelight "The day that DH and I were both so ill that we couldn't get out of bed we had to physically muddle through and somehow care for a baby. No one to call on."
The thing is though, most rational people simply wouldn't ask anyone in this situation. If a bug is so bad you can't get out of bed, you wouldn't risk your parents or siblings or friends catching it. If you had to go to hospital, then that is when your emergency support kicks in and there you really do need someone, so if you have nobody then you really need to start thinking how to get to know people / save up contingency funds for a night nanny service etc.

As PPs said, it’s a combination of choice and a change in circumstances and society:
choosing to move away from friends and family
choosing to take a “I never open my front door unless it’s a booked delivery”
choosing to have an attitude of suspicion around everyone, and a paranoia that everyone is out for what they can get
choosing to not go and meet neighbours and work to build bonds

plus
having health issues and excessive care responsibilities
having to work full time
having to move away for work/health
living in a bad or isolated area
other people around having attitudes listed above, so even with the best intentions it may be hard to build a network

It definitely is an active, rather than a passive event though - you have to decide to do it and work for it. It’s not about having best friends, either, just good people you do things for and who do things for you.

I also think there are different things being pictured by different people when they hear 'support network'.