Page 7 | To think most people don’t have a ‘support network’?

Moonicorn · 2023-02-25T21:07:17+00:00

Just something I’ve noticed on here. There seems to be a belief that most women have a ‘support network’ of available family and friends ready to jump in if they ever need help, but this isn’t my experience? Most of the women I know have some support, but more ‘somebody to phone for a moan now and then’ or ‘ask for a favour in an emergency’ rather than the ‘pop in and watch my kids/clean my house/be there for me 24/7’ type expected on here.

5128gap · 26/02/2023 16:42

MRex · 26/02/2023 16:04

@redskydelight "The day that DH and I were both so ill that we couldn't get out of bed we had to physically muddle through and somehow care for a baby. No one to call on."
The thing is though, most rational people simply wouldn't ask anyone in this situation. If a bug is so bad you can't get out of bed, you wouldn't risk your parents or siblings or friends catching it. If you had to go to hospital, then that is when your emergency support kicks in and there you really do need someone, so if you have nobody then you really need to start thinking how to get to know people / save up contingency funds for a night nanny service etc.

Well I can say for certainty that I wouldnt see my friends, DD, DiL, so ill they were struggling to care for their baby and not step in to help. As we all would for each other. Most people, unless very vulnerable health wise, would not see friends and family in that situation and shy away from helping for fear of catching some bug the chances are you'll get anyway.

cornflakegeneration · 26/02/2023 17:03

Commah · 26/02/2023 11:48

If you're a normal adult, why would you need someone to come and clean your house and be there for you 24/7?
My friend is a teacher. Her workload is so heavy that she doesn’t have time for anything else. Her own mum cleans and does laundry for her while she’s at work, and often preps meals too. If she didn’t have that support she’d be unable to continue teaching, the workload is just too heavy.

This is ridiculous. I have many teacher friends with heavy workloads and they all manage to run their own households without any outside intervention.

winterpastasalad · 26/02/2023 17:04

I don't agree that what you put into the "favour bank" means that you'll get it back. I've been a FT carer for 15 years (so not worked) so I've always been the one to offer to do school runs/pick ups, look after dc, cook meals for people, give lifts to hospital etc, but realized recently that my continued help towards others has given them the impression that I never need any. I moved house not so long ago and it was very difficult as ds was sick and not one of the people that I cook for offered to bring me a meal. I would always continue to help them as I'm not doing it tit-for-tat, but it made me think that my support network like to be supported but not necessarily reciprocate.

UsingChangeofName · 26/02/2023 18:35

cornflakegeneration · 26/02/2023 17:03

This is ridiculous. I have many teacher friends with heavy workloads and they all manage to run their own households without any outside intervention.

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Quite.
As a teacher for over 30 years, I've obviously worked with dozens upon dozens upon dozens of other teachers and I have never hears of anyone who then needs their Mum to come in and clean and do their laundry for them
I mean, it would be nice to have a full time housekeeper whatever your job but is hardly 'usual'

Wombats67 · 26/02/2023 18:36

My teacher friend's mum definitely came in and cleaned for her.

My neighbour has a tv star offspring and was clearing cupboards for them recently!

UsingChangeofName · 26/02/2023 18:41

winterpastasalad · 26/02/2023 17:04

I don't agree that what you put into the "favour bank" means that you'll get it back. I've been a FT carer for 15 years (so not worked) so I've always been the one to offer to do school runs/pick ups, look after dc, cook meals for people, give lifts to hospital etc, but realized recently that my continued help towards others has given them the impression that I never need any. I moved house not so long ago and it was very difficult as ds was sick and not one of the people that I cook for offered to bring me a meal. I would always continue to help them as I'm not doing it tit-for-tat, but it made me think that my support network like to be supported but not necessarily reciprocate.

I suggest that, as someone who is always willing to help other people when I can, it means I then have no qualms about asking other people for help when I need it. that's how I see "life" working. It is rarely a direct "I helped you so I now want you to help me" situation, but more of a
"I appreciated people giving me 2nd had stuff / hand me downs when we were skint, so now I give stuff to other people rather than trying to sell stuff on" - but usually different people from the ones who gave me stuff
"I appreciated people babysitting on the odd occasion when I was stuck when my dc were little, so I will offer to help parents out now if I hear of someone in need"
"I always offer someone a lift if I am driving anyway / there is space in my car so I have no worries about asking someone if they can give my dc a lift when they are going to the same place and dh or I can't get there, or my car is off the road or something"

But it isn't usually the same person I had help from that needs help from me. It is just the way the world goes round.

BlueSeaWave · 26/02/2023 18:43

I’d be in the camp of proper life or death emergency someone would come and help. But had major surgery, asked a family member who had always offered help, went and spent time with another relative instead for a fun holiday. We now know we are entirely on our own.

ConfusedNT · 26/02/2023 18:45

There was a thread on here, quite some time ago where a mother of a young child had neighbours without children who were really friendly and offered to help if she ever needed it. She needed some babysitting so she was wondering whether to ask them

About 70 -80% of the answers on that thread were along the lines of 'if people without children want to babysit they must be grooming children'. There was even one poster on there who went as far as to say aunts and uncles who don't have children themselves but have toys for their neices and nephews in the house must be grooming children

Now I understand why people can be cautious and I'm not blaming parents for that at all. But I think one of the reasons why it feels like parents have less of a support network today (alongside full time working parents, grandparents who are still working, families being more scattered etc) is that we are so much more aware of the prevalence of child abuse these days

So much child abuse years ago was hidden, and so parents were more trusting of leaving their child because there was less awareness of the risks

I am a childless woman who both babysits for a neighbour and has toys in and looks after her nieces and nephews. And that thread in places was plain nasty to read. But there were also justifiable concerns that I could understand.

alanabennett · 26/02/2023 19:05

neverbeenskiing · 26/02/2023 08:23

You could arrange/ advertise through school, or local Facebook group for your town, to meet someone either elderly, or a young teen, and they can then, once you are comfortable, babysit for you once your dc had met them.

Does anyone actually do this? I can just imagine the flaming someone would get on here if they posted saying they'd let a 14 year old they'd met on FB babysit their child and something had gone wrong.

Of course people do it?!?! My 14 year old daughter got pretty much all of her babysitting gigs from posts in our local Mums' FB group. Everyone posts in their own name, we then connect through text/DM and arrange the babysitting job. I will drive her and meet the parents and then leave her to it.

Everyone's a stranger before you meet them..how else did you build relationships/connections if you don't make an effort?

Willyoujustbequiet · 26/02/2023 19:14

Guavafish1 · 25/02/2023 21:42

Depends on your personality and you're friends.

I have a friend who has limited support network... not many friends as she alienated them with her selfish attitude, her family have distanced themself's due to the constant drama but she does have her elderly parents.

Whilst another friend who is well liked at work, part of political group and extend family is well liked and she has a large support system. Which she can rely on and very helpful in difficult times. My friend is a funny person.

I think the difference between my two friends is personality, how much you give and the type of friends group.

Its not just down to personality or how much you give but individual circumstances.

I'm a carer of dc with additional needs. No family left. Its me 24/7. I'm exhausted. Its not easy to 'give' in these circumstances let alone have childcare to let you go out and develop relationships in the first place.

Willyoujustbequiet · 26/02/2023 19:21

Commah · 26/02/2023 11:48

If you're a normal adult, why would you need someone to come and clean your house and be there for you 24/7?
My friend is a teacher. Her workload is so heavy that she doesn’t have time for anything else. Her own mum cleans and does laundry for her while she’s at work, and often preps meals too. If she didn’t have that support she’d be unable to continue teaching, the workload is just too heavy.

That's ridiculous. Your friend is clearly unorganised. Everyone else manages.

Crikeyalmighty · 26/02/2023 19:32

@Poisonrunningthroughmyveins I'm so very sorry and I don't know you - but if you live in Bath I for one would be more than happy to offer you some help

Crikeyalmighty · 26/02/2023 19:36

I do think a biggie (although this may recover a bit with WFH) was 2 parents not working locally or the H worked from home only. I never had the playground drop offs, the after school play dates etc and worked 20 miles away too- and wasn't the town I grew up in or even went to Uni in nor where family lived apart from when my son was1-4 (we lived 7 miles from in laws at that point) very difficult to actually meet people in these situations

iwishiwasonhol · 26/02/2023 19:48

I think i realised that i didnt have a good support network when covid hit ,as a single parent to one child and no parents andonly one sibling who has a large family it was a very lonely time despite still working throughout,i have "friends" but only one of them would message me to ask how i was ,i was always the one to contact them same with family ,i was never invited in to any zoom friend /family quiz type things ,never asked to go on social distance walks, if i suggested it it was always ohh doing this or that with family

mummywithtwokidsplusdog · 26/02/2023 19:56

My Mum has become less and less interested in helping as the years have gone by ….. fortunately I have a few lovely local friends who I could (and do) ask for help when I need it. I think some people are lucky to have family around who can and do help - everyone else has to make their own ‘village’ or attempt to get by alone.. which is stressful x

Mary46 · 26/02/2023 20:15

Yes should not be presumed everyone has good backup its hard agree.

Wombats67 · 26/02/2023 22:09

Yep, I think if you don't have kids to meet people through school and don't go out to work, it's pretty hard to form a support network. It's easier for parents to mix with other parents. People with kids always assume you don't like kids if you don't have any of your own.

I know my sibling was reluctant to let us babysit, sibling said something along the lines of some of the posts above. I don't think they realised how offensive it was. Tbh, being watched like a hawk and criticised was too much anyway but it does make me sad that my DN have never spent much time with us.

AnonymousMummy23 · 03/07/2023 14:38

Need some advise.
I have been in a relationship for 10years, childhood sweethearts. We have had bumps in our road, and during a break up, i found myself pregnant with my daughter. Her biological father chose to not be involved, and my childhood sweetheart took her on as his own, and has loved her as his own. He is an incredible father. My daughter is now almost 4 and we have decided to expand our family, my daughter is biracial and the baby will be white. Im terrified shes going to be confused. Is there anyone who has this set up who could give me some advice on this.