To think most people don’t have a ‘support network’?

[Moonicorn]

Just something I’ve noticed on here. There seems to be a belief that most women have a ‘support network’ of available family and friends ready to jump in if they ever need help, but this isn’t my experience?
Most of the women I know have some support, but more ‘somebody to phone for a moan now and then’ or ‘ask for a favour in an emergency’ rather than the ‘pop in and watch my kids/clean my house/be there for me 24/7’ type expected on here.

@SpinningFloppa 100 percent

Yes! x 100,000,000!

Well it depends on your circumstances doesn’t it?

If you have time to get involved in things and build connections and friendships, then you have a support network. Or if you have living family, you have a support network.

If you don’t have that time or that family, then you don’t.

The ironic thing is that probably the people who most need the support network, don’t have the time or resources to build it.

Yes I can really resonate with this!

There are a ways and means round most of these though. Not all, but most if you put your mind to it.
It make time to set up, or organisation, but it is possible.

The babysitting one could be arranged. You could arrange/ advertise through school, or local Facebook group for your town, to meet someone either elderly, or a young teen, and they can then, once you are comfortable, babysit for you once your dc had met them.

At some schools they advertise in the newsletter that any Working mum / anyone with no one to call on, can log their phone number and over time make arrangements so that it's sorted/arranged should they ever need an emergency, eg, for someone to pick up their child in an emergency, and you could return the favour in a different way, whatever you are capable of.

You could arrange/ advertise through school, or local Facebook group for your town, to meet someone either elderly, or a young teen, and they can then, once you are comfortable, babysit for you once your dc had met them.

Does anyone actually do this? I can just imagine the flaming someone would get on here if they posted saying they'd let a 14 year old they'd met on FB babysit their child and something had gone wrong.

A lot of grandparents are either “too old to babysit because we had kids late”, or “too young to babysit because we had kids early”. We have one of each. My mum is too elderly to babysit, while DH’s mum still works full time and is busy running around with her latest boyfriend. DH’s siblings moved to a large city 2hrs away so we can’t call them either.

We don’t have a support network of other school parents either, because most of them rely on THEIR support network to cope. I can’t ring them and ask them to look after DC for a bit after school, because they’re at work and their own kids are being picked up by grandparents.

Well that’s fabulous for you.

People often will show up but genuinely decent people rarely stay. I have seen it many times - not only with myself but with others many times too.

My support system is very tight and very small because I trust so few. That’s largely to do with me though and I recognise that.

@neverbeenskiing
Oh come on. Take it to the extreme.

It's not unheard of, Many people know other mums even vaguely through school pick up, dance classes, brownies or cubs, or some way. and know that a child in their year has a older sibling, say 17 year old sister who does babysitting.

3 of ds2's friends have older siblings and their mum had mentioned the girls offering babysitting, on our local Facebook group. I've never needed to use them, but I know that some mature teens do offer babysitting services.

We have family around us who can go and get things for us etc but noone who could look after our severely disabled 16 year old.

You are portraying this as an unambiguous negative but actually having the whole household dependent on one income is not necessarily a panacea, because it creates huge financial dependency for one partner on the other (almost always the woman).

Families where both parents work may struggle more with logistics and stress but at least both parties have a degree of financial autonomy.

I think you are partially right OP. It depends in part what you mean by “support network”.

I’m a single parent and I have a good network of local friends, consciously and deliberately built over time. I always feel supported and there’s always someone I can reach on the phone or for a cup of coffee if I need to talk through a problem.

But I don’t have people who will drop everything to look after my kid at short notice in the way this is often portrayed in TV soaps. I don’t have family locally. Looking after my kid unscheduled and without warning just isn’t workable for my friends, the vast majority of whom are working parents. Apart from a few odd favours here and there I basically pay for all of my childcare.

It’s a trade-off though isn’t it? I wouldn’t want to live in a very close-knit small community. I would find it stifling and restrictive and would hate the feeling of being beholden to people and people knowing all your business. So for me I accept that paying for most childcare is the price of a lifestyle which suits me and I am lucky enough to be able to afford this. For other people this would not work and they would find that closeness supportive.

@Oblomov23 do you have family who can help ? Would you let a 14-16 year old look after small dcs for long periods of time ? The support that parents (who have none ) often struggle with is ad hoc care , help when sick or in hospital, maybe they’ve been asked to a wedding where they can’t bring dcs . I’ve had teenage babysitters , they are fine /ok for a few hours in the evening but honestly I wouldn’t leave small , multiple dcs with a teenager for long periods and the people suggesting this usually are the ones who’ve never had to. Also I rarely come across older babysitters whatsoever.
The fact that our only back up would be a teenager is also kindof depressing tbh and not at all a confident place to be .
Again we have made lots of wonderful friends , they might be able to help in an emergency, made friends with our neighbours and help where we can , it’s still not at all normal to ask for help . In fact when I had my third dc I asked my neighbour and paid them to watch my other dcs and they were definitely taken aback I didn’t have any support and tbh have been a bit distant ever since , maybe a message to not rely on them or something, they have lots of family support. But still there’s a constant assertion that those without support just aren’t trying hard enough..

One of the sources of a support network used to be the Church. When I was young, pretty much everyone went to a church, not necessarily COE but ‘chapel ‘ , the various Non conformist faiths. Even if a lot of the attenders were not deeply religious , they contributed to and made use of all the associated ‘networks’ : the Sunday Schools, The Mothers Union ( yes , I know, but they actually encouraged non mothers of a suitable age to join in) the Men’s Circle… the churches ran the Youth Clubs , they provided the hall for the Scouts and the Brownies. The bell ringers, the flower arrangers, the cleaners, the choir, the Parish Magazine, the notice board , were all organisations which supported the parish but also provided networks for the Parishioners.

That has largely gone, although in areas where the churches still operate, they are still sources of help for others, not necessarily people who were part of the congregation.
Of course it wasn’t perfect, and some of those organisations were riven with strife, because people are human and fallible. But they supplied a framework for community.

I don't. My mum will help in an emergency if she "has to".

Yanbu. I'm a lone parent and work park time. my youngest child can't cope with social visits and has ruined the house so her older sibling could never have play dates over. I can't reciprocate favours so never ended up with a support network.

I'm not taking anything to the extreme. You literally suggested getting a "young teen" to babysit and you specifically mentioned finding them on Facebook. Now you're taking about a 17 year old who is already known to the family which is quite different to your original suggestion.

I have some family (not nearby) but never had any support since having kids. We've only just managed our first child free overnight - in 10 Years!.
Friends all disappeared after my first DC (with SEN) was born.
It's been a very difficult time, has definitely changed my view of the world and has had a huge impact on our health (and wealth! I stopped counting after paying 92k in childcare...)

I agree op and I find it odd all this talk of support networks and needing to be 10 minutes down the road from family so they can take over at a moment's notice. We don't live near family and when DC were young we paid for childcare, nursery, babysitter's and pre/after school club. We sorted it out ourselves. I'd never dream of asking a friend to just babysit DC at a moment's notice, they're too busy as are we!

I do know a few people who have grandparents on tap however, who state they couldn't cope without a GP doing childcare multiple times per week, plus colleagues who on paper are single parents but have input from relatives most days so don't have to pay for childcare and can just call a relative to take over so they can work late. That's never been our reality but I'm naturally very independent and like being in control of things myself. I'd hate the claustrophobia of having family in and out all the time and the feeling of being beholden. I friend who lives on the same street as her mum has a very enmeshed relationship with her and struggles to put boundaries in place with her mum as she's very controlling but holds the fact she does all the childcare for the grandchildren over my friend if she ever challenges anything. I couldn't stand it.

Do people actually ask for help when needed though? They might be surprised how willing people are to help - they don't always have to be family and best friends.
I have children with additional needs so I can't offer practical help that often however whenever I can help I do. So if someone wants to borrow something in particular and they post in a WhatsApp group I'll offer a loan if I can. If I can offer a lift or childcare I will but it's reliant on people reaching out and asking. My school whatsapp groups are very supportive so I'm confident in an emergency someone would help me. I've had offers of help which I haven't taken up so know it's there. Mostly I think people help when they can. I don't expect regular/long term favours though. I don't expect others to emotionally support me for hours on end either.

People regularly help people who are virtually strangers in our local community. WhatsApp groups for neighbours, school classes and friends help to connect people and form support networks.

Just reading these responses with a coffee, some quite interesting ones.

I agree with ‘get out what you put in’ replies. There are so many threads on here complaining about ‘no support network’ yet when gently questioned the OP doesn’t mix with anyone, is very much ‘me and my little family’ and ‘boundaries’ but just expects there to be a circle of people waiting to step up if they need help.

On the flip side I feel expectations of others can be unrealistically high and there’s an element of ‘don’t ask dont get’. Quite a few responses about nobody offering to do X or Y in times of crisis, but I wonder if those posters actually asked? Or whether it was just a silent expectation that maybe the friend assumed was already being done by somebody else.

I asked a few times for help but was refused, so now I NEVER ask for help from anyone.

I do, and feel incredibly lucky
Some very close family members, brilliant neighbours, long time friends, ex-work colleagues and my church group

Things we have done for each other for emergencies/illness/bereavement/miscarriage etc.

Watch/pick up each other's children
Send flowers, wine, cards, messages
Give lifts
Lend/give money
Taken away on a break
Cooked meals
Done shopping
Cleaned their house/done washing
Moved house
Taken to A&E
Prayed with them
Sat with them & listened
Spied on their husband and sent photographs!
Driven hours to pick them up
Let them move in for a while

Even though we don't see each other as often, there are people who would be by my side at the drop of a hat if I needed it; proven over many years

I think I'm regarded as someone who is very able and can manage without help, therefore nobody thinks I need it - despite eg me being seriously unwell in hospital etc.
I do help others out (as it means my kids have playdates etc)