Jeez, is it any reason women don't leave?

[MissHoneysHappyEnding]

I ended a 20 year relationship with the father of my children last weekend. He moved out and I blocked him for my own sanity and he was sending awful texts ('tell the kids that I'm dead' etc). I kept lines open with his family as I like them and we have a good relationship. His mum sent me a message a few days earlier saying that he was abusive and she could see how tense he made the house and how the DC's seemed anxious about his moods and behaviour. He drinks too, to excess. On the first day of our holiday with his family last year he drank a whole bottle of whiskey, told us all to fuck off and went AWOL and so we had to spend the whole night looking for him and found him passed out in the street. I told him he needed to get help over and over but living in the house it was just too easy for him to slip back to his usual ways.
So since he went (not voluntarily) his mum has text me twice a day about how upset she is. She let me know that he'd given up drinking for one whole day and I should just let him move back as he 'knows now that you're serious'. I said no, and that he needed to look into long term accommodation options before we are able to sell the house. She has since sent me the 'crying emoji' lots of times and told me that she is devastated and emotional about losing us. Then today, she said 'I need to know if you are seeing someone else' JFC she has seen it all! She has been there! Why am I suddenly the cause? Did she mean to support me all those years, acknowledge the pain her son was causing but never actually mean for me to leave?
I'm tempted to block her but I need to contact her to discuss logistics like child visitation and giving him his stuff back.
This is on top of my mums first suggestion of 'can you live together for financial reasons but not as a couple?' and 'I don't think you'll be able to keep up with the mortgage on your own' plus my elder relatives general 'well I think marriages should last forever, through thick and thin' bullshit.
I don't feel like I have anyone who actually supports me. I feel like it's all STILL about him and his needs, even though I've done all that I can. I was a mug for way too long.
I'm finding it hard to feel happy and positive about my future, which I did when I made the decision to say no, because no one seems to believe in me or think that I'm worth more than this shit relationship.

Yep, it is bad enough society doesn't support women leaving abusers or just bad relationships but then your family won't help you either.
My advice is to not give an inch. I don't mean to act hostile, but to not give in to things he or the family wants that are rightfully yours. And don't let him get you alone.

Well done you! You have the support of everyone here, even if your mum and your MIL are clueless!

I can’t even tell you how much I empathise. My alcoholic toxic ex pushed me to the brink of a breakdown 5 years ago so I kicked him out. His family and mine sided with him and questioned my morals continually, I felt like the bad guy whilst he was getting everyone’s tea and sympathy

@MissHoneysHappyEnding
You absolutely did the right thing.
For me, I was guilty of giving XH more than enough chances. He would detox, promise rehab and relapse, repeat cycle.
He became abusive, both mentally, emotionally and physically and was arrested. He begged me to let him come back but I said no and surprised myself by sticking to it. My eldest DC was 10. It wasn't easy. XPILs were the same as yours and my DPs didn't understand.
You will cope because you have to for your DC but you can do it. For me, remembering I was doing all this for them, so they didn't grow up thinking it was normal for men to behave that way gave me the strength and courage.
Al anon helped me. You are not alone.
You've got this Miss Honey and you will get your happy ending 💪

Maybe she's reacting to suddenly getting him back and realising the reality of what he's really like - what she and presumably his father have created. If she's been a good friend to you in the past, (and presum
ably still loves her horrible son but is stuck with the relationship) - perhaps you could (try not to grit your teeth) suggest working together to a) get him to recognise what he's become and needs to change, b) join something like AA, c) if he's a lost cause, make him understand he's got to find alternative accommodation and d) change all your locks. Good luck!!

I support you. Stick to your guns, for your kids. You will build a much better life for yourself and your children without him. You can’t inflict him on your kids any longer.
My father was an abusive alcoholic, my mother stayed with him, it was awful for me and my brother.
stay strong 💪🏼

Sorry but I feel such excitement for you and your future!! You’ve done it, you should be so proud of yourself! Ignore the naysayers and those panicking because they could never dream of doing what you’ve done, improving your life and that of your children. I wish you all the very very best for the future. To many more fishfinger sandwiches and calm movie nights with the dc’s. Well done!

Well done, it takes such courage and we all support you. Don't have him back or you'll never be free of him. If people think living with an abusive drunk is fun, let him go stay with them. You've got up off your knees so don't let anyone push you down again.

Society expects us to support men without question I had an acrimonious split from my ex social worker involved he had supervised access to the children the works later he got involved in a car crash of a relationship they eventually split he was arrested for assaulting her and despite the utter hell they put our children through his family expected ME to support HIM to "let bygones be bygones" and "move on" no apology for any of the petty/awful/abusive/dangerous acts he committed against me and his own children just time to move on he needs your support now they were all shocked SHOCKED when I said fuck no why would I lie to the police for him? Fuck off so to punish me he didn't see the children for a few weeks.....meh

She just doesnt want to deal with him either.

Any chance has has coercednher or used her phone to send those messages asking about other men?

I hope you pressed those charges. Sorry you went through that and kudos for getting out.

This

Because, let's be honest, women are supposed to put up and shut up. We're supposed to take the shit behaviour from family and just gaslight ourselves so we carry on.

When you stop playing the game, then it throws everything up in the air for others. They are forced to confront shitty behaviour or the enabling decisions they've made. Makes people uncomfortable.

Your family don't want you to rock the boat as it has consequences for them. Well, screw that! capsize that f@$cking boat and build a better one for you and your kids. The kids will learn a very valuable lesson you don't have to put up with and enable abusers.

Oh and tell him to shove the cake where the sun doesn't shine.

Your two bed house sounds amazing!

Your ex-partner's mother will always side with her son, not you. Block her and keep her blocked. She is no longer part of your family, you don't have any reason to contact her, nor she you.

RE your thread title: there is a special place in hell for people who don't support women to leave bad men. You are doing the right thing, stick to your guns.

@SaponificationQueen I just wished to say 💚💚💚💚💚 for what you’ve accomplished in getting clean and staying sober.
It’s a lovely example that it IS possible, I would dare to imagine it took you all the will in the world.
If I may suggest (I don’t know if if it may be triggering for you, not in the sobriety meaning, just in the reliving those trauma years), if at some point you feel up to creating your own thread about how you managed, I think many people would be thrilled to hear (if I may suggest though - having done this elsewhere for my own trauma - you may wish to limit the questions to your experience only - otherwise it becomes very emotionally taxing)
💚💚💚💚💚 you rock

@MissHoneysHappyEnding I think it says it all that your young children embrace the idea !
I was taken into care at 10, and I admit after the initial logistics part (we didn’t have tablets etc, but if you can or can even borrow, this is a time you’re allowed to stick them in front of them with headphones in any situation where you talk to a thousand people about logistics, if you haven’t got any childcare.
Do you have any parent friends ? I’m sure if you explained, they could split out the babysitting for the odd times you have rough meetings.

Finally, I love your countryside plan. Nature is so healing. If you can get your kids involved with farm type activities, even better.

And don’t le them near any family members absolutely. You don’t want them to ruin their peaceful mindset. I’d really try other parents for babysitting. To be blunt, if they know your plan is to move away, they’ll be less worried about it becoming a long time thing iyswim ?

💚

@Godlovesall26

Thank you for your kind words. It took what it took to get where I am today. I like that I can use my experience with addiction and recovery and domestic violence to give others hope.

There really is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s not a train. It takes a lot of work sometimes, other times, it’s like it never happened. Willpower isn’t the answer. It took a lot of therapy and a spiritual connection.

I don’t know that I want a thread specific to my journey. I am very open to helping others when I can, which is why I posted what I did. If it helps just one other person, I’m glad.

@SaponificationQueen I understand completely about the thread, it’s very intimate. I mean, I haven’t posted one either about being taken into care young, I’ll just occasionally post on some threads.

I work with children in care (more with the younger ones), lots of situations with addictions unfortunately, and yes I do try so hard to explain (to the teens this more) that it isn’t just willpower. Unfortunately therapy is dismal. I admit it’s why I’m mostly with the younger ones, it’s so hard with the teens, to say it’s an illness, it needs treatment, and you get back ‘is my dad not worth that treatment then ? He’s just alone at home’. So hard, and creates a lot of violence issues stemming from all these emotions.

I so love hearing happy endings 💚💚💚

Been there. My ex admitted in front of his parents that he had cheated on me and more than once when he was away (forces). I was understandably devastated and his parents said all the right things but then changed and basically then it was no longer his fault etc even though I’d never looked at anyone else! I put it down to them feeling ashamed by what he had done and in some warped way, by pretending what he had done wasn’t that bad or that I had somehow been worse or deserved it, it made them feel better about how their son behaved? A reflection on their parenting perhaps?

I finally left (there was a lot of DA) and it was the best thing I did for me and the kids. We are all so much happier now. One bit of advice I was given by a DA advisor was to get another phone. I sent a text to him saying ‘I’d changed my number and here’s the new number’ and basically only turned that phone on when I needed to deal with something to do with the kids. Everyone else had my normal phone number. That way my real phone and number was ‘safe’ from dealing with all that rubbish. Really helped clear my head!

Keep going. You’re in the thick of that forest right now but one day you’ll realise you’re no longer in the forest and it’s such an amazing feeling to be free.

@MissHoneysHappyEnding Sorry that was meant to say after the initial part, I was actually relieved
They we’re just OUT of my life
💚

@SaponificationQueen please do tell me if I’m bothering you !
I just have one last obvious question that I forgot to add : did you / do you now have children ?
Please don’t feel necessary to answer

Re mothers, I’ve lived in a third world county younger at a period of horrific wars of a type won’t detail, you may guess as unfortunately still been happening in different regions sins.
Almost always, Mothers will always support their sons, even those horrific ‘fighters’ : it was well known they would provide food. It wasn’t under duress, there have been books on the psychology of it so I won’t attempt my warped explanation. Some of it is that they would never in their lives have imagined this future for their sons, and just were trying to keep it together by at least keeping them alive.

Its obviously a much more drastic situation, with much more complexities, but for some reason (again, quite a few books) mothers just can’t seem to detach from their sons, while they do manage for their daughters.

As an aside, I mention third world country, but it wasn’t the boys > girls thing, it happens everywhere, as OP will unfortunately have seen in her own family.

Sorry for the very long text, the takeaway is OP please cut them all off (if only temporarily) from your children, all they can do right now is damage.

Since not sins

It's there in the very first line of her OP:

I ended a 20 year relationship with the father of my children last weekend.

He's probably tried convincing his mother you must have someone else or why else would you get rid of him instead of realising its his actions are the reason.
Try ignoring her messages but if they persist then block her.