Jeez, is it any reason women don't leave?

[MissHoneysHappyEnding]

I ended a 20 year relationship with the father of my children last weekend. He moved out and I blocked him for my own sanity and he was sending awful texts ('tell the kids that I'm dead' etc). I kept lines open with his family as I like them and we have a good relationship. His mum sent me a message a few days earlier saying that he was abusive and she could see how tense he made the house and how the DC's seemed anxious about his moods and behaviour. He drinks too, to excess. On the first day of our holiday with his family last year he drank a whole bottle of whiskey, told us all to fuck off and went AWOL and so we had to spend the whole night looking for him and found him passed out in the street. I told him he needed to get help over and over but living in the house it was just too easy for him to slip back to his usual ways.
So since he went (not voluntarily) his mum has text me twice a day about how upset she is. She let me know that he'd given up drinking for one whole day and I should just let him move back as he 'knows now that you're serious'. I said no, and that he needed to look into long term accommodation options before we are able to sell the house. She has since sent me the 'crying emoji' lots of times and told me that she is devastated and emotional about losing us. Then today, she said 'I need to know if you are seeing someone else' JFC she has seen it all! She has been there! Why am I suddenly the cause? Did she mean to support me all those years, acknowledge the pain her son was causing but never actually mean for me to leave?
I'm tempted to block her but I need to contact her to discuss logistics like child visitation and giving him his stuff back.
This is on top of my mums first suggestion of 'can you live together for financial reasons but not as a couple?' and 'I don't think you'll be able to keep up with the mortgage on your own' plus my elder relatives general 'well I think marriages should last forever, through thick and thin' bullshit.
I don't feel like I have anyone who actually supports me. I feel like it's all STILL about him and his needs, even though I've done all that I can. I was a mug for way too long.
I'm finding it hard to feel happy and positive about my future, which I did when I made the decision to say no, because no one seems to believe in me or think that I'm worth more than this shit relationship.

lots Of support coming your way. Well done. It’s not easy that’s for sure. But it is the right thing to do. How did you get him to leave OP if you don’t mind?

Pront this your post and send a copy to all involved. If they can’t see how negative their input is when laid out like this then they can GTF. You are absolutely doing the right thing. Life is Short

Yep I know, sorry it was a tiny tangent with another poster

(Would have hoped it was clear in my other posts that I had read OP’s situation)

Kind of disagree but I don’t want to say anything wrong.
I doubt they’ll change
I’d bet more on other parents/ neighbors solidarity

I work for a domestic abuse charity in the North West, please stick to your guns, you are doing the right, safe and positive thing for yourself and your family. If you feel you need some professional support, you can contact your local women’s aid who will help you. They will also be able to point you int he best direction for local support.

Believe in you! You know the situation better than ANYONE else. Keep strong. I would only suggest one thing though ( full disclosure I have been watching far too much true crime documentaries), if you think he could escalate to violence please do alert the authorities and make it all in writing, even get a distancing order if needed… apparently women trapped in dysfunctional relationships are the most at risk when they decide to end said relationship, keep strong but seek advise for your and your children safety.

I’d hope it’s like when people ask you to couch surf for a while : you’re extremely reluctant because you have no idea how long it’ll actually last.

Here OP is clearly moving, so I’d hope other parents would be much more willing to support for a while with childcare if needed. Sounds a bit blunt but it’s much easier for people to know it’s temporary. You never know, some nice grandparents with time might be excited to search regions and what accommodations for you.

That is so unfortunately very true and extremely important to keep in mind.
Thank you for posting this

So much support 💛.
I’m in a half the size house and so so much better, really happy.
No fear. My space. Happy children too.
I can’t still (5 years on) think too much about the before time. No physical abuse but much mental.
Some friends stayed with him and think I’m a monster. I’m actually laughing now, it’s so ridiculous.
Keep going and post again whenever you want. We’d all like to know you’re okay. Xx

@Isaidnomorecrisps it’s hard not to think about the before time I agree, meditation stuff never worked. If I may suggest, could you make a photo album (can be done for free on the web) of all the happy memories you’ve accumulated since you left). It can be your safe place if you feel like those memories come up again. Sorry if this suggestion seems silly💚

Agree with poster who said his mum now realises he is her problem and is regretting it!!

Don't be a mug. What you decide and want is important, they only saw the tip of the iceberg

Good luck and love in your next exciting chapter!! 🙌🥂👋🏼🎉😀

Get advice , there is lots of help , financial advice and support out there for you if you are the victim of emotional or other types of abuse , ask at the library or citizens advice, my daughter didn’t know how much support there was and struggled for a long time which was additional pressure x please don’t let him come back !

I'm tempted to block her but I need to contact her to discuss logistics like child visitation and giving him his stuff back.

no you don't need her contacting you through text messaging or any other messaging services

email is the way forward - let her know she can contact you on email as you are no longer taking any messages through whatsapp, messenger or text it has to be done by email as thats what you've been instructed to do moving forward and any messages must only be concerning the children.

His stuff, email and tell him to collect it on xy date, not threats or anything else - just collect your stuff end of

don't play their games, don't pander to them.

I’m so sorry, OP. Firstly - well done you for kicking out that awful man, keeping your DC safe and showing them that’s not an ok way to behave.

Secondly- ignore his DM and your family. Never, ever take him back. They’re utterly stupid and not on your side. It must be so hard, but don’t give in.

You're absolutely right OP, even when women finally find the strength to kick out, or leave an abusive partner, there will always be others who, rather than offering support will find something negative to say, which makes you doubt yourself. However, not only have you found the strength, but you are determined to make a positive future for you and your children, even if it does giving up some of the home comforts that you might have been used to. My first marriage was very happy for a long time, but as we grew older, we grew apart. All anyone could see, was that we were the 'perfect couple', but they didn't live OUR lives, and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, as the song goes! I eventually left, and moved from a large detached home, with plenty of money, to a small semi which needed a lot of work doing, and living on the money which I earned, and that was nowhere near what he used to bring home, but it was MINE and only mine, and I didn't have to live THAT life anymore. You've made the break, and have the right attitude, so don't listen to any of the nay sayers, just carry on with your plans, and I KNOW that given time, you and your kids will be MUCH happier.

Your ex is alcoholic. He will deny it. Get in touch with Al-Anon U.K., which is the fellowship for those who have someone around them in their lives whose drinking us causing a problem.

You need support, too, as his drinking is affecting you. Al-Anon is a support network for those whose lives are being or have been affected by someone else's drinking

www.al-anon.org.uk/

Also, women aid as you are a survivor and in the aftermath of domestic abuse. They will also support you.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Whatever you do, don't have him back. I've been there, done it, and life does get better

You have done the right thing, as you know. Be prepared for him to try do all the things you ever asked of him now you've left. It's astonishing that they don't see this as the insult that it is. My ex was horribly emotionally and financially abusive and when I left he started making an effort and when that didn't work was searching for reasons that he could tell people to make it my fault the relationship ended I'd cheated, I'd not made an effort in the bedroom, I'd let the house get messy before I left. Then he turned to self pity abd that's where he's been for 2 years.

WTF is wrong with people? Unlike you, I left my husband simply because I no longer loved him, he was a very frustrating person to live with but in no way abusive. And I got nothing from support from my parents and most friends. The former would have wished it were otherwise but accepted that it was my life and never once made me feel bad about it. And these were people in their late 70s and early 80s in rural Ireland where divorce is only legal since the mid 1990s. I feel terrible for you that this has been the response but keep faith in yourself most of all and people WILL show up for you. One of my closest friends now is someone who I really only got to know around the time I separated, she has been incredibly kind to me.

the ils are always the same always back their own

it makes me sik sometimes-tell them you want to be civil for the kids but thats it-cake?

ffs

No, you are not bothering me at all. All of my children have 4 legs (dogs and cats). I was fortunate not to have had children with him.

It could have been me writing this over 20 years ago. I stayed with an alcoholic husband far too long until my self esteem was at rock bottom and for my own sanity I had to bring my marriage to an end.
One of the most hurtful things was that my then MIL was telling others that I was having an affair (oh to have had the time and energy!!)
Fast forward to now and I’m very happily married to a wonderful man and I have no regrets!

i know you’re right. I’m just ultra PMT and feeling all fired up and confrontational.

I stand firmly by the life is short sentiment however!

I support you. You have done the right thing. Wishing you and your Dc a very happy future.

WELL DONE!!!!!!!
He's not your problem anymore.
His MIL is not your problem. Tell her to STAY OUT OF IT.
Contact him through a solicitor if he can't behave responsibly.
Move on.
Done.
Your life will get better and better each day with out the mill stone of his problems around your neck.
He will have tantrums and throw his toys out the pram. Be prepared for drunken visits. Call the police if he starts those tactics. A restraining order will sort that out.
20 years FF Sake !

You should be walking away. Enough is Enough.
Stay strong. Keep going.