Too overfamiliar with my baby?

[NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting]

Trying to keep this vague as possible to remain as anonymous as I’d hate to be outed and cause family drama.

There’s been several things that have happened with my BIL and his newish girlfriend (they’ve been together 8 months) where I feel like my baby is almost a prop/new shiny object to them as they are overstepping boundaries to play families with him. I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive, but I need to hear from others if this is normal behaviour or if it would also make you uncomfortable.

We live in the same town as my BIL and they will often stop by ours to see our baby and ask if they can do bathtime with us, but they never do this with my other BIL and his children. The focus only seems to be on our baby.

I’ve spotted the girlfriend taking photos of my baby on her phone when she’s been around him, but not to send to me or my husband, but I’ve not said anything in the past as I hate conflict, but thinking I should as I don’t know if she posts these on social media etc. My BIL also sends her photos of them when she’s not around and she will often ask to see photos of our baby as well.

They also constantly ask if they can babysit for us and we have agreed that they can next week when we go out next week for a meal as my parents or MIL aren’t free. The girlfriend has said she’s so excited as she absolutely loves our baby and it’s a dream come true to babysit them and my BIL then mentioned “it will be like us having our own baby”. They have never once asked to babysit my other BIL’s children, it is only ever for our baby.

There have been other moments which my SIL has called out as being a bit strange where they will almost act like a family with our baby and try and have special moments with them.

Am I being unreasonable to think there’s a strange obsession with our baby as this doesn’t happen with the other children in the family? Or is this normal excited new baby behaviour?

How old is the girlfriend? She sounds very young and probably just excited and loved up. If she has no experience of babies/parenting I guess she's fantasizing about having a family with your BIL and doesn't appreciate your concerns re photos/SM. If you trust your BIL then leaving them to babysit sounds fine to me. However if you're just going to worry all night then it probably isn't worth the stress for one evening.

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu my husband thinks his brother is just excited about a new baby in the family and thinks this is coming from a place of him loving the baby hence why he wants to be around to see him grow up.

I’ve tried to think of things from that perspective as well, but can’t help but have this wiggling feeling. This is why I’ve asked on here, to understand if this is something others would be concerned about or it’s normal way relatives act.

@Motherofacertainage the girlfriend is 30 and BIL is 40, so they aren’t young and some young love struck couple.

Me and my now DH used to love being auntie and uncle before we had kids of our own. We'd often ask to babysit and genuinely enjoyed it thinking about our own future family, although this was always very gratefully received. We were both very family oriented and loved children (we now have 3 of our own) but at the time weren't quite ready to start a family.
So my initial thought when reading this was that they are just a very enthusiastic auntie and uncle however as a parent I would always say trust your gut feeling and if something feels off then trust it.

I wouldn't risk it. Not worth it.

Baby can't talk and you will always have doubt in your mind which makes you uncomfortable. Better just avoid it altogether.

@Jellybella I can appreciate that side of things and that’s how my husband perceives this, but it’s some of the comments which make me feel odd I think. I would never claim to love someone’s baby who I’ve only known 6 months (I met her the first time just before giving birth), nor would I say “it’s a dream come true” or “it will be like having our own baby” about babysitting. Maybe I’m just a cold hearted bitch, but my response would be something along the lines of “we would be grateful to help out” as I’d want to help the parents out, more than playing happy families with the baby?

Did you mock & disparage the mother Jellybella, & ignore basic H&S about choking hazards?

If not, your situation isn't comparable.

But did your husband refuses to return an upset baby?
Did he mock the mothers weaning views?

This is not normal behaviour.

Someone refusing to return a crying baby wouldn't happen twice to me.
Huge red flag from anyone.

Likewise some 40 year old childless gobshite mocking my weaning of my baby....🙄...he'd be put in his place and no way would he be EVER in sole charge of my precious child.

What you describe is normal interactions.

The OP'S description of her arrogant BIL is not.

NOTHING worse than some childless old arse mansplaining a new mother🙄.

OP, be wary of your husband persistently dismissing your reservations about his brother....not good, not respectful of you.

with the weaning, he wanted to feed our baby cherry tomatoes but I said they were a choking habit, which he tried to mock me about and say I’m being too paranoid about.
this really irked me as he has no experience of weaning as he has no children of his own.

I missed this earlier, but this is exactly the type of comment we received from our relatives who offered to babysit. Also comments about leaving babies to cry or fall over to 'teach them' etc.

They're loving towards DS, but the trust just isn't there to leave him with them unsupervised. I've no doubt that when they have children of their own they will learn, but I'm not willing for my child to be their guinea pig in the meantime.

Ah ok I didn't read all the comments about weaning etc. No I wouldn't leave my baby with someone who said that.

Very weird. No to bath time and babysitting and stop the photos if they're sharing on social media

Absolutely this. You’re the mum, what you say goes. What you call “the usual protocol” doesn’t matter @NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting , if there’s even any such thing. But you’re not overreacting, I hope you’ve been reassured by the replies. You don’t need to offer up your child as a dolly for them to play fantasy mum and dad with.

@billy1966 ”NOTHING worse than some childless old arse mansplaining a new mother”
Indeed!
The update about the mansplaining arse wanting to feed a baby cherry tomatoes and then mocking OP for saying it’s dangerous is horrendous. That would be it for me, I’d never let them near the baby again unless I was very close by, and babysitting would NEVER happen. We have a steady stream of complaints here on MN about MILs and others feeding babies coffee, tea, alcohol, sweets, chocolate, “weaning foods” because they think the mother isn’t weaning them early enough, dairy foods when the child has cpma, you name it, a MIL/SIL somewhere has fed it to someone else’s baby because they know better than the mother who told them not to. BIL sounds exactly like one of those.

@FictionalCharacter the responses have helped as I didn’t know if I was overthinking things or not! My husband has agreed that we will cancel them babysitting and I’m going to put space between them and my baby.

Good..

Hurrah! Good news OP 👏👏👏

Oh phew. Really pleased that's the decision. Good call.

Glad to hear you have your husband finally on side