Too overfamiliar with my baby?

[NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting]

Trying to keep this vague as possible to remain as anonymous as I’d hate to be outed and cause family drama.

There’s been several things that have happened with my BIL and his newish girlfriend (they’ve been together 8 months) where I feel like my baby is almost a prop/new shiny object to them as they are overstepping boundaries to play families with him. I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive, but I need to hear from others if this is normal behaviour or if it would also make you uncomfortable.

We live in the same town as my BIL and they will often stop by ours to see our baby and ask if they can do bathtime with us, but they never do this with my other BIL and his children. The focus only seems to be on our baby.

I’ve spotted the girlfriend taking photos of my baby on her phone when she’s been around him, but not to send to me or my husband, but I’ve not said anything in the past as I hate conflict, but thinking I should as I don’t know if she posts these on social media etc. My BIL also sends her photos of them when she’s not around and she will often ask to see photos of our baby as well.

They also constantly ask if they can babysit for us and we have agreed that they can next week when we go out next week for a meal as my parents or MIL aren’t free. The girlfriend has said she’s so excited as she absolutely loves our baby and it’s a dream come true to babysit them and my BIL then mentioned “it will be like us having our own baby”. They have never once asked to babysit my other BIL’s children, it is only ever for our baby.

There have been other moments which my SIL has called out as being a bit strange where they will almost act like a family with our baby and try and have special moments with them.

Am I being unreasonable to think there’s a strange obsession with our baby as this doesn’t happen with the other children in the family? Or is this normal excited new baby behaviour?

I feel like they are possibly thinking of ttc and are so enthusiastic because of this.

Just ask them to send/share any photos they take. Or make it clear that you’re not keen on photos being taken without your permission.

I think it's fairly normal! Before we had kids, we would often eat dinner with my brother in law and his wife. I would often bath my nephew and get him in pj's so they could have a tidy round, get the dinner on and pour themselves a wine. They would handle bedtime and then we could eat together. I don't think we ever pretended he was our baby but we certainly loved having time with him and babysat regularly. He now lives a long way from us but we still have a good relationship and we have our own children.

Oh ffs. I have four nieces and nephews and plenty of photos of them residing somewhere in a corner of my pictures file. Same as with all kids pictures - they're doing something cute so you try to capture it. I used some of them in a calendar for sis once, but otherwise they're just stored. Not everybody lives their life by and for social media.

@Northe that sounds similar to how we’ve been with my other BIL and his children, but it’s all the behaviour added together that makes me uneasy for some reason. The constantly asking to babysit, begging to hold our baby, mocking of sensible parenting decisions and generally treating our baby as a prop, whilst having no interest in the other children is strange to me. I can just see the interest dying out when a new baby comes along and my baby will be confused as their uncle has dropped them like a hot potato, which has happened to the older children.

I also had this relationship with my siblings and my nieces and nephews. Babysat, bathed, fed etc but none of it was for my own benefit and was to support my sister's when they needed they desperately it. It sounds like these two don't know when to back off a little, possibly due to excitement of a new baby in the family or future plans for babies of their own but those are not excuses for over exerting themselves when it isn't needed or wanted. Similarly, I had several nieces and nephews of varying ages and the help, support or just fun times offered was equal. They learn very quickly if there's a favourite child in the family and in causes all sorts of problems with feeling left out, unwanted and that cousins are someone to compete with. I wouldn't want this unhealthy dynamic to develop between children where the parents seem otherwise close.

There are so many people on this thread saying the OP is being unreasonable! It’s her baby! She can do what she wants! An adult getting a huff on is not enough reason to let these at best over-keen and at worst potentially sinister people have so much contact with her child.

It’s just not appropriate to take photos of someone else’s baby to keep for yourself and never share with the parents - maybe fine for grandparents or actual blood relations but not fairly new girlfriends, to insist on wearing them in a baby carrier, to try and feed them inappropriate foods, to not hand them back when they are sad etc etc is all bonkers.

Your job OP is to protect your child. Don’t let politeness get in the way of that. You will need to get comfortable with advocating firmly for them in all kinds of situations. They can’t protect themselves.

@ashapushapush you are right. Seeing it all written out is bonkers and making me realise I’m not being overprotective and it is strange behaviour.

there’s been other moments and things that have been said that I’ve not mentioned, but also cement that I do need to advocate for my baby and I’m in the right to do so.

thank you for everyone for responding. I feel like I’m not being an anxious, overprotective mum, but have grounds to feel wary of this whole situation!

OP,

Kindly meant but your boundaries are very poor.

So what if someone says you are over protective?
So what?
That is their opinion.
Why care?
Your job is to be a good mother.

If anyone accuses you of being over protective, thank them. Say "thank you very much for the compliment".

That girlfriend took photos of your baby in YOUR home?
Such a violation of your privacy.
Not normal.

Your BIL mocks your weaning views?
Unbelievable that you would tolerate this.

I wouldn't want them near my baby.
I wouldn't trust your BIL for a minute.

Arrogant know it all.

A baby needs parents that will put protecting them as their number 1 priority, far ahead of the feelings of pushy randomers.

The who scenario is weird and not normal.

You need to work on your boundaries.

You should not ever be afraid of being over protective of your baby.

Screw anyone else's opinion, have confidence in the fact no one loves your baby like its parents, particularly a mother.

Your BIL needs firmly putting in his place.
Stop being so polite.

Tell him when you want his opinion on your parenting choices you'll ask him.

The WHOLE scenario is not normal.

See less of them.

Be less available.

I am very wary of people with poor boundaries like your BIL and his girlfriend.
They care not a whit about you, it is all about what they want and meeting their fantasy needs.
You need to be very firm.

That girlfriend of 8 months shouldn't be near your baby, she is a complete randomer.

Also why are you tip toeing around your husband about these people?

Is his brother more important than your baby?

Because it reads like it.
None of this is healthy.

Stand up for your baby and to hell with sore feelings of people that would critise you, your parenting or call you over protective.

@billy1966 i know, I know, I think I’ve been doubting myself so not stepped in and stopped it all.

the photo thing is something I’ve always struggled with. I’ve no issue with grandparents, my other BIL or SIL taking photos, but I do about the girlfriend, so been questioning where I should draw the line. She has no siblings so no nieces or nephews, so I’ve always assumed she doesn’t know the boundaries but I should be guiding that.

Yes absolutely, if OP has safeguarding concerns she should 100% follow her instincts, however slight. (I also suffered CSA as a child btw).
But the OP has said her concerns aren’t about safeguarding- her OP has just been interpreted that way because of how she wrote it: the mention of over involvement and the bath.
Also the situation doesn’t sound like a safeguarding concern, it’s the two of them offering to babysit together (not BIL alone) , a six month old baby. It sounds like they are in love with the idea of caring for a baby together because they are thinking about having their own sometime soon. This is what the OP is objecting to (according to my understanding); it’s not that she is worried they are going to abuse baby.
however , again, if I am wrong in my interpretation and OP is worried about abuse, then yes she should follow her instincts.

I really don’t think the 6 month old baby will mind/ notice if the frequency of babysits changes: BIL will always be baby’s uncle and early love and bonding could set them up for a lifetime of a closer , special relationship:

“all over like a rash”, “flirting”, “broody”. These are such unnecessarily bitter accusations. Surely it’s sweet and perfectly natural, they are clearly in love and fantasising about starting a family. It’s coming out in the form of love and interest in the birth of a close family member . What’s wrong with that? No need to be bitter, jealous and spiteful about it.

Why should she allow people into her baby's life if she doesn't want to

Because the baby is her own person: she is not the possession of her mother. The baby benefits from developing relationships with a supportive network of close family members. OP should absolutely be facilitating that. Obviously the focus should be on the wellbeing of the baby, so if there are health, safety concerns, then that’s totally different.

They haven't crossed any lines because you haven't drawn any lines. How are they supposed to know their attention isn't welcome when you've been giving the appearance that it's welcome? Stop sitting back and letting people do what they want with your baby. You set the rules.

You posted here, so your gut is strong, trust it.

So what if you are "over"🙄 protective, it comes from a good place.

Your baby is absolutely depending on you to be 100% all over them and keeping them safe.

Great advice I heard decades ago, "be very careful about caring about the opinions of people YOU don't care about".

Over the years I have reminded myself of that many many times.

Your concern comes from the very best place, the love of your baby, screw anyone who questions that.

Spell out to your husband your unease.
It is not healthy that you are so hesitant to spell it out to him.

YOUR baby is not a toy to be shared.

Trust your gut, and instincts.
Listen to them.
They are there to protect you and your baby.

Wishing you the best.

How old are they? Is this perhaps girlfriends first significant interaction with a baby?
Some people (young women particularly) get a bit baby-mad, and just see the sunshine and roses side. They want to play "happy families".

Of course OP, you know them best. If this is waving red flags for you, then cancel the babysitting.

Speaking from experience, I expect they are TTC or intend to very soon, and are using your baby as a way to play at happy families in the meantime.

It depends entirely on your perspective as to whether this is sweet (and you're happy to facilitate) or not.

For me, supervised visits were fine but I had an issue with having to repeatedly ask for baby back, which I nipped in the bud (after posting on here actually). Babysitting was offered but we didn't follow up as we were concerned about the practical (and to an extent, safety) aspects - they meant well, but a few comments left me concerned.

Either way you need to set your boundaries and stick to them.

Alright keep your hair on it was just a thought!

FWIW i don't ''live my life by and for social media'' either and neither do anyone i know personally. But i don't know OPs BIL's girlfriend and neither does the OP very well by the sound of it so who knows what she's doing with the pics!

Nice try with an attempt at a hurtful gotcha with the classic "you must be jealous and bitter" 🙄.

I've been where this couple are, in love and in a anew relationship. It didn't make me make a new mum uncomfortable with playing at being a family. There is something off about doing that (to me) and using a baby as a prop to help show your new prospective mate what a good mummy or daddy you'll be one day. If they want to do that and the parents are happy with it, that's ok, but op isn't happy with it. I don't see why anyone should be gaslighting her into making her feel as if she's wrong to be concerned.

And I am not jealous of a couple who sound as if they lack awareness of boundaries and fail to read social cues because they're too busy playing mummies and daddies. I'm sure you know that, but were attempting to be hurtful to win an argument

I'm really sorry you suffered csa as a child. It fills me with grief and rage how not-rare it is. I'm going to do my best to keep my child safe if I can. Thank you for sharing your pov.

They also constantly ask if they can babysit for us and we have agreed that they can next week when we go out next week

I don't understand.
You are uncomfortable enough to make a post here about them, but you'll cheerfully leave them alone with their new toy your baby for a whole evening?
Why?
Because you don't like conflict?
Oh, that's ok then ...

My hackles rose just from reading about them. I wouldn't leave them in loco parentis of my dog, let alone my baby. But you've done it now, & it's thin end of the wedge - if you let this go ahead, they will feel entitled to have "their baby" whenever they feel like it. So you now have to decide just how much discomfort you can handle, & whether you are going to rescind the babysitting invitation.

You are a mother now.
Your primary job is as your baby's Number One advocate. Woman up. & say no. Change your mind. Tell everyone you don't feel ready to leave your baby yet. It's that, or let this oddball couple walk all over your gut instincts.

My BIL will overstep sometimes and won’t give me back the baby when they’re crying, or will try and take the baby when he’s upset
Ggggrrrrrrrrr.
You know you are allowed to talk sharply to misbehaving menchildren, don't you OP?

I think I need to take more of a stand and advocate for them. I’ve had to raise how kissing him is an issue with them as BIL gets coldsores and stop him pressuring me on giving the baby certain things when weaning, so I think I’ve been trying to pick my battles and look like I’m not being an overprotective mum.
FFS will you stop with this second-guessing of yourself, stop worrying what your ignorant BiL thinks of you, & just start acting like a protective mum?

with the weaning, he wanted to feed our baby cherry tomatoes but I said they were a choking habit, which he tried to mock me about and say I’m being too paranoid about.
this really irked me as he has no experience of weaning as he has no children of his own.
"Fuck off BiL, & you can fuck off with any ideas of babysitting too, because you don't understand choking hazards."
And when he kicks off & argues back/patronises/mocks you again - "I thought I told you to fuck off? Why haven't you fucked off yet?"

Offering to babysit got brought up in the family group chat and they said the offer only stood for our baby, not the other children. It’s pretty odd behaviour and favouritism at best. My baby isn’t a new shiny toy for them to play with and then to be forgotten once they are older.
"Why only our baby? I think that's weird. No thanks, we don't need any babysitting."

The constantly asking to babysit, begging to hold our baby, mocking of sensible parenting decisions and generally treating our baby as a prop, whilst having no interest in the other children is strange to me.
"Sod off weirdos, if you want a baby, go & make one. My baby isn't your toy."

You've let them get away with some outrageous over-stepping OP.
Anyone who mocked my parenting (or even dograising) as your BiL has mocked & denigrated you would be told to leave my house, not allowed to get away with it & repeat the offences as your BiL has obviously repeatedly been.
Which makes me wonder - where is your DH in all of this?
Does he never challenge his brother either?

Your bil scoffs at you saying feeding cheery tomatoes is dangerous? For that alone, I wouldn’t leave the baby with them, god knows what they’d try to feed them!

Thank you ❤️❤️

@Tandora

"Because the baby is her own person: she is not the possession of her mother. The baby benefits from developing relationships with a supportive network of close family members. OP should absolutely be facilitating that. Obviously the focus should be on the wellbeing of the baby, so if there are health, safety concerns, then that’s totally different."

Again. I couldn't disagree more with your point of view. The baby is not his own person yet. He's 6 months old and is being cared for by his mother. She doesn't feel comfortable with BIL and GF being left alone with her baby. The BIL doesn't understand the first thing about weaning and the GF just seems to want to take cute pictures. The mother has every right to say no. I don't understand why you keep on pushing to get OP to go along with plans she doesn't feel comfortable with.