Too overfamiliar with my baby?

[NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting]

Trying to keep this vague as possible to remain as anonymous as I’d hate to be outed and cause family drama.

There’s been several things that have happened with my BIL and his newish girlfriend (they’ve been together 8 months) where I feel like my baby is almost a prop/new shiny object to them as they are overstepping boundaries to play families with him. I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive, but I need to hear from others if this is normal behaviour or if it would also make you uncomfortable.

We live in the same town as my BIL and they will often stop by ours to see our baby and ask if they can do bathtime with us, but they never do this with my other BIL and his children. The focus only seems to be on our baby.

I’ve spotted the girlfriend taking photos of my baby on her phone when she’s been around him, but not to send to me or my husband, but I’ve not said anything in the past as I hate conflict, but thinking I should as I don’t know if she posts these on social media etc. My BIL also sends her photos of them when she’s not around and she will often ask to see photos of our baby as well.

They also constantly ask if they can babysit for us and we have agreed that they can next week when we go out next week for a meal as my parents or MIL aren’t free. The girlfriend has said she’s so excited as she absolutely loves our baby and it’s a dream come true to babysit them and my BIL then mentioned “it will be like us having our own baby”. They have never once asked to babysit my other BIL’s children, it is only ever for our baby.

There have been other moments which my SIL has called out as being a bit strange where they will almost act like a family with our baby and try and have special moments with them.

Am I being unreasonable to think there’s a strange obsession with our baby as this doesn’t happen with the other children in the family? Or is this normal excited new baby behaviour?

The bathtime comment is a big red flag for me. I wouldn't let them look after my child alone after that comment. Yes it COULD be innocent, but if there's any inch of me doubting that, it's not worth the risk.

Also, them talking about having kids after 8 months together is very worrying.

@BreatheAndFocus I think I’m probably worried I’m being overprotective and worry that sometimes I’m overly anxious about certain things, but I should trust my gut instinct.

The more I think about it, I think they are maybe lacking emotional awareness of how they are being with our baby and how they are treating him like a toy/fantasy of them having a child together.

Sounds to me like they're parents in waiting and are having a trial run with your baby. It's not unusual for couples to show a lot of interest in babies when they're starting to think about having their own, or for each to want to see the other in the role of 'parent'. They're probably more interested in your child because he's a baby, and that tends to be what people focus on 'I want a baby' not 'I want a 6 year old'.
If their behaviour is crossing your boundaries its fine to distance a little. But I wouldn't go assuming they're 'weird' in some way.

@GirlOfTudor I’ve mentioned to my husband that it’s extremely odd for them to be talking about having children so soon, especially when they don’t live together and he agrees. However, it’s my husband’s brother, so I don’t want to talk too badly about him, but I do think he is overstepping with his girlfriend.

I think I needed to sound out if my feelings were valid, or if I was being an anxious, overprotective mum.

Also, in response to one of your further comments... A CRB check merely means a person has no criminal record. Not that they've never done anything wrong.

I wonder if it’s because it’s your husband’s brother and his gf that’s making you feel this way and not your own brother/sister and their partner. They’re maybe too distant to you for you to be comfortable with them being so involved with your baby. I see it all the time even when mums have a great relationship with the in-laws pre-baby and I’m probably guilty of it myself. My own family pretty much do what they like with my kid and it’s not an issue for me, different story with my in-laws and I need to keep having a word with myself on that. My husband feels it with my family too.

@NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting You said "so I think I’ve been trying to pick my battles".

You don't have to pick your battles when it comes to your baby. You're the mum. You win every time. You don't feel comfortable with BIL and his GF so cut them off... your baby is not for their entertainment. I don't care if she's broody, thinks babies are the cutest thing ever or fancies herself as a mum, she is making you uncomfortable so all this nonsense has to stop.

I understand why this gives you the creeps tbh. We had the reverse when sil kept offering for me or DH to have a go at a nappy change or bathtime etc "for practice". I was nowhere near ready for babies yet and felt like running a mile. It's definitely a bit weird when people are so open about practicing for their own baby, especially when they haven't been together very long.

I'd just not go along with any of their broody nonsense.

Re the photos, my sister used to take quite a lot of pictures of my dd and I wasn't happy when I found out they were on SM. She knew I wouldn't have let her do that. It's part of the whole SM image madness though. Some people can't seem to help it. They want to appear maternal so they plaster baby pics all over their SM page. I'm not a fan of that at all. It's one thing parents doing it, but other relatives doing it without permission is rude. So I'd want to check they weren't doing that "as practice" for when they can post about their own baby or some silliness

@WhatAmIDoingWrong123 you might be right as I don’t have any siblings, so no other experience of nieces or nephews and what the usual protocol is.

However, my other BIL and his wife don’t act this way (although other BIL has said he’s excited for them our baby is old enough for sleepovers with his cousins), but maybe because they are preoccupied with their own two children so have less time to act this way. I don’t even mind when they take photos either, mainly because it’s focused on the cousins together and gets shared amongst the family, whereas BIL’s girlfriend takes photos without sharing.

Absolutely no way. Creepy.
FOLLOW YOUR GUT INSTINCT.
That you asked on here for advice tells me you don't want to do this. So don't. Your baby. You owe no person any time with your baby.

@NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting

ive always taken lots of photos. I've never routinely sent them to the parents (maybe on a rare occasion for a specific reason). I don't even get why you would?!

I think they're just in that future fantasy stage of their relationship & are enjoying imagining what it would be like if they had a baby.

maybe they just like the other bil/SILas much as they like you guys??

It's perfectly normal to enjoy bathtime because excited kids are fun.

I know you've asked them not to now, but kissing kids is normal. Cheeks, forehead etc not lips.

@SleekMamma thank you. I think I’ve been doubting myself as I can be quite anxious and been wondering if it’s my anxiety playing up, or if it is normal to question this behaviour.

Hi OP I'm sorry but I think they sound very creepy and interfering. You said up thread your BIL has input on what to wean your baby on? That is absolutely none of his business. Also I'm an aunt to many nieces and nephews and a mum to 3 and a man to 1, never ever in all my years have I ever wanted to bath my nieces and nephews and their parents have never wanted to bath mine. It's such a weird game they are playing. Wanting to pretend your baby is theirs. I don't agree with others who think it's just a cute thing and they mean no harm. Go with your instincts and please be your babies advocate xxx

I meant a nan to 1 of course 😂

@WingingItSince1973 i was trying to work out how you were a man to one, haha.

with the weaning, he wanted to feed our baby cherry tomatoes but I said they were a choking habit, which he tried to mock me about and say I’m being too paranoid about.
this really irked me as he has no experience of weaning as he has no children of his own.

Totally agree

Oh lord, this is so silly. OP do you want to name your concern? That your BIL and his new girlfriend are both peados , who happen to be particularly interested in your baby?

Maybe they are just sweet family members, who are in to each other and thinking of starting a family, and find your new baby cute (as babies are) and want to be kind and helpful. 💁🏼‍♀️

Id bloody LOVE it if one of my siblings and their partner offered to babysit one evening. Lovely also for the baby to have lots of adoring extended family around.

Tbh OP even if you are being over anxious. This is your baby not theirs. Your baby is not a toy.
I stick by my advice and listen to your gut instinct.
"Well no that doesn't suit"
"No thanks"
"No we are fine thanks"
And repeat.

@Tandora i don’t think their paedos, it’s the overlapping and playing family with my baby that’s my issue.

Why though? How is it doing you or anyone else harm if some extended family members want to show your baby a little love.
it’s sweet that they are interested in your baby- it’s your baby’s uncle after all. Foster all the relationships you can.
Also, I wouldn’t worry, people will get bored soon enough, and then you’ll probably find yourself wishing more people were more interested in your little one (and begging for babysitters!)

I worked in child protection before I had DC.
@NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting This is startlingly naive I know for a fact that she’s CRB and DBS checked, so this is coming from a place of being broody.
It only means someone has never been caught, if they are that kind of person. Not saying BIL's girlfriend is but don't be over trusting.

I would tell BIL to fuck right off with his dangerous weaning advice. You don't have to pick your battles with them because it is NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM how you raise your child. Sorry for the capitals but you really, really need to remember that.

If anyone takes photos of my DC in my house I would say "oh, you've taken a photo, is it cute, let me see" and also mention about no social media / parents decide what is shared.

I think they might want a baby but they should look at the other DNs because the thing about babies is that they grow up.

Trust your instincts, you don't owe anyone an explanation, or a turn with your baby, or to come at bath time, or any time.

@Tandora my BIL don’t have this interest in his other niece or nephew, nor does his girlfriend! It’s only in our baby. Offering to babysit got brought up in the family group chat and they said the offer only stood for our baby, not the other children. It’s pretty odd behaviour and favouritism at best. My baby isn’t a new shiny toy for them to play with and then to be forgotten once they are older.

@ASandwichNamedKevin thank you. I think I’m just trying to look at things positively and fighting my own insecurities about the whole thing.

Why does that matter though??
and It’s not that odd at all. How old are the other children? Much easier for a couple to babysit a 2 month old baby, than 3 older children. And lots of aunts/ uncles have a favourite niece/ nephew.
I just don’t understand why you are making a drama, and being unpleasant/ unkind about a close family member and his partner showing some love and interest in your baby. Unless they are harming the baby in some way, This is all very PFB and unnecessary.
You’ve made it sound like a safeguarding concern in your OP (which is why people are responding by endorsing this). But the situation obviously isn’t actually a safeguarding concern, and you know that yourself.
don’t create bad feeling with family over nothing.

*6 month old; not 2 month!