Too overfamiliar with my baby?

[NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting]

Trying to keep this vague as possible to remain as anonymous as I’d hate to be outed and cause family drama.

There’s been several things that have happened with my BIL and his newish girlfriend (they’ve been together 8 months) where I feel like my baby is almost a prop/new shiny object to them as they are overstepping boundaries to play families with him. I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive, but I need to hear from others if this is normal behaviour or if it would also make you uncomfortable.

We live in the same town as my BIL and they will often stop by ours to see our baby and ask if they can do bathtime with us, but they never do this with my other BIL and his children. The focus only seems to be on our baby.

I’ve spotted the girlfriend taking photos of my baby on her phone when she’s been around him, but not to send to me or my husband, but I’ve not said anything in the past as I hate conflict, but thinking I should as I don’t know if she posts these on social media etc. My BIL also sends her photos of them when she’s not around and she will often ask to see photos of our baby as well.

They also constantly ask if they can babysit for us and we have agreed that they can next week when we go out next week for a meal as my parents or MIL aren’t free. The girlfriend has said she’s so excited as she absolutely loves our baby and it’s a dream come true to babysit them and my BIL then mentioned “it will be like us having our own baby”. They have never once asked to babysit my other BIL’s children, it is only ever for our baby.

There have been other moments which my SIL has called out as being a bit strange where they will almost act like a family with our baby and try and have special moments with them.

Am I being unreasonable to think there’s a strange obsession with our baby as this doesn’t happen with the other children in the family? Or is this normal excited new baby behaviour?

@mozzyworries I don’t think she has taken photos during bath time, that I’m aware of.

I think it’s the taking photos but not sharing with us so we’d have no knowledge that she’d even taken the photos if I hadn’t spotted her. In the past, I would take photos of my husband’s niece and nephew then share on the family WhatsApp, whereas this doesn’t happen.

That’s all the discomfort you need to keep them at the same distance you’d keep anyone else.
Your baby, your choice entirely.

I've had two and bath time didn't really stand out.

If you are not comfortable, for whatever reason, you don’t owe anyone the chance to babysit your child.

I really can’t see the big deal, they just sound excited about your baby and enjoy spending time with them.

We’ve always been close with our niece and nephew, never occurred to me that our love for them could be perceived as weird.

FWIW, regarding them not being so fussed about your BILs kids, maybe it’s because they feel comfier with you? Also, your baby has come along while their relationship is new, whether you like it or not, your baby has been part of their bonding as a couple, it was the same with us and our niece.

My mum is 1 of 7 so lots of nieces and nephews. When I was born, one of my aunties met my uncle when she was about 18, they spent loads of time with me even though there was plenty other nieces/nephews to choose from. They were close with my mum and dad and I’m still really special to them because of those early days. They’re also special to me, I’m glad my mum and dad didn’t step in the way of my relationship with them or see ‘massive red flags’.

They arent being the same with the toddler and 5 year old as to some people they arent as cute as a new baby!

Also, if this is a fairly new relationship she may feel like she can bond more with the baby as she has known them from the start, wheras the other kids existed before her if that makes sense? My SIL has never really been that bothered by my son as he was around 6 when she appeared on the scene, but i know she would be obsessed if I had another baby.

I love babies and would spend as much time as i could with one, older kids not so much so she may just be like me. Or they are totally loved up and broody and practicing for what it will feel like when they have their own.

I dint think it sounds sinister , id probably take advantage of the help to be honest!

So - the pictures you know she takes and doesn't share with you ... what IS she doing with them?

She's not using your baby as some prop in an instagram account of hers is she?

That's not what's weird though, it's the continuous requests to see the child in the bath. It's bloody weird. You haven't said you do that in your message so I'm going to assume you don't.

I don’t think it’s sinister, but I’m not comfortable with anyone else doing bathtime apart from close family and two babysitters who are also DC’s nursery staff. It’s a particularly vulnerable time for a little baby and to me it just makes sense to reduce risk as much as possible.

Is she quite young? I’ve found, as other PP have said, that some people especially young women get incredibly excited about babies like little living dolls. I’ve seen this with family friends’ kids in their 20s, that they just want to cuddle and play with and take lots of pictures of DC when they were babies. I don’t get it, I was never like that, but it’s not unusual.

My sister was like this with her boyfriend’s nieces even from when they had barely been going out. I think she saw it as being ‘auntie’ even when she was only the uncle’s quite new girlfriend. Theyve now been married for a few years and so she is auntie. I thought it was weird at the time but his family think she’s great for having been so involved from the start.

My advice would be to ask her never to put anything with your baby on it on social media. I think that’s totally reasonable. Just use the reason that once a picture is on the internet it’s there forever and so you want to be very mindful and in control of that. And I would also ask BIL why she’s so excited about looking after the baby - is she like this with other people’s babies? Is she broody?

So I wouldn’t overthink it, I don’t think it’s a red flag, but totally see where you’re coming from on it being annoying.

This is so ott. No doubt you'd be posting on here that they never see your kid and you're upset that they have no relationship with them if they never saw them

Family can't win on here. They're either 'too needy and immediately a molester or do nothing at all and don't ever let the parents have a break'

Why don't you speak to your brother and sister in law and tell them you think she has a fake instagram account where she's pretending to have your baby or tell them you think they're being pedophiles and see what the reaction is

When I say ‘young’ and ‘in their 20s’ I meant like 21, 22 ie before more people have kids or are necessarily thinking about kids seriously. Don’t mean to sound ageist, just my experience.

Because if you do that it's problem solved! You'd be lucky to ever to see them again if you did that but that seems to be what you want so do it

If you feel uncomfortable with their involvement put a stop to it.

I'd feel uncomfortable with the bath time attendance and photos you've not seen. I definitely wouldn't be leaving them home alone with my baby. Your baby is not a toy. Their pushing to have the baby alone is at best irritating and at worst quite sinister.

I'd assume that she's just very broody and basically wants to practice on your baby
Children are a completely different thing .

Gosh I think there is a lot of overthinking on this thread.

I used to work with offenders including sex offenders. That can really make one overthink when it comes to child safety. But rather than impose those extreme situations on others, it makes me good at saying no when there are boundaries I don’t want to cross. ‘No, I don’t want anyone else but close blood family to do bathtime. It’s not something I’m comfortable with at this stage as he’s so young.’ That’s it.

Ask. I think it’s totally fine. “You aren’t putting any photos on social media or sharing them are you? I’d really rather you didn’t.” I’ve had that conversation numerous times with younger family friends.

I fail to see why anybody would relish wanting to do bathtime, with a child that is not their own. I would not allow that personally.

She sounds a bit bonkers wanting to be all about the baby...but she is probably getting carried away imagining herself & her BF as future parents, getting broody. Maybe she feels more bonded with yours if it was a newborn when she came on the scene ..or prob it is harder to be baby fixated with other family if they have more than one child...older ones interrupting alot of the time & looking for attention, as they tend to do! And you can't really ignore them. She (They... but it seems more her) sound a bit over invested in your baby & I would try & disrupt that somehow if it is irritating you. Like if she is there ALL the time or getting in the way of your time with baby or just showing up uninvited, you can just keep her out of bedroom or bathroom or whatever by saying you need to keep things calm before sleep time so only one person (you/DH) in the room...if baby sees her then will get giddy & want to get up etc..
Jeez guys, the red flags about bath time & no unsupervised time with baby.....the poster says nothing sinister to it. I loved bathing my nephews when they were little & I was just late teens/early 20's & no kids of my own, it was such a novelty & the best fun when they squealed with delight. I had my own kids & when my younger sibling had kids 8/9 yrs after, I wasn't around bathing them, novelty was long gone by then. !

Also I wouldn't like pics of my child out there... not knowing if she is posting stuff or sending to others would be an issue with me....I would be upfront & say straight out that I don't want my child's pic on FB/Insta or anywhere other than just family groups

Because it’s often absolutely adorable as many babies and toddlers love it? My DC splashing around and being delighted by how the water works is so cute.

Trust your gut. We get these feelings for a reason.

I seem to lose my mind around babies. They are just so unbelievably adorable especially if they like a bath. I am aware that this is my issue to keep in check though and have never once asked to join bathtime, I have accepted when offered but still kept a suitable lid on my excitement. This mania only applies to babies, children I'm just normal about.

Sounds like they are both excited and trying to test out what it would be like to have one themselves. Do you know anything about her own family. Some extended families where I live very much treat a family baby as belonging to everyone. It might just be what she is used to?

It sounds like they are young, in love and playing at families-lite. The girlfriend obviously likes babies and he’s facilitating that. (Given you don’t feel there’s anything sinister re bath time, it’s just that the baby splashes and it’s cute.) I’m assuming also that your nephew and niece are older and less cute.

You can set whatever boundaries that you want, obviously.

Ok, fair enough.

Maybe your baby is exceptionally cute and good looking

I would agree with @FictionalCharacter . Any doubts or niggles whatsoever and take a step back. Be less available and call time on their involvement with bath time. It’s not being overly cautious it’s following your instincts which you have every right to do as the parent and instincts exist for a reason.

They will question withdrawal of bath-time involvement. You could say he’s suddenly disliking bath times and you’re keeping it just you and DH/P until issue resolves (my young child had this genuine issue for a period of several months). I wouldn’t ever re-start this strange practice of them bathing him, in future you can say he’s still sensitive and you’re continuing to keep it just parents bathing. Compromise could be paddling pool play in summer with other members of close family such as yourself there.
“Funny isn’t it how he likes padding pools but sensitive about the bath, kids can be strange creatures ha ha”

Probably just a broody young couple who have honed in on your baby because they happen to coincide with their own desire to procreate. Yet I would not take any chances where my baby was concerned and you are completely within your rights to take the same stance!

RE the photos I’d say ‘I’d love to see these lovely pics you take, let’s make a WhatsApp group for the family kids and you can take them ON WhatsApp for us all to see!’