Too overfamiliar with my baby?

[NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting]

Trying to keep this vague as possible to remain as anonymous as I’d hate to be outed and cause family drama.

There’s been several things that have happened with my BIL and his newish girlfriend (they’ve been together 8 months) where I feel like my baby is almost a prop/new shiny object to them as they are overstepping boundaries to play families with him. I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive, but I need to hear from others if this is normal behaviour or if it would also make you uncomfortable.

We live in the same town as my BIL and they will often stop by ours to see our baby and ask if they can do bathtime with us, but they never do this with my other BIL and his children. The focus only seems to be on our baby.

I’ve spotted the girlfriend taking photos of my baby on her phone when she’s been around him, but not to send to me or my husband, but I’ve not said anything in the past as I hate conflict, but thinking I should as I don’t know if she posts these on social media etc. My BIL also sends her photos of them when she’s not around and she will often ask to see photos of our baby as well.

They also constantly ask if they can babysit for us and we have agreed that they can next week when we go out next week for a meal as my parents or MIL aren’t free. The girlfriend has said she’s so excited as she absolutely loves our baby and it’s a dream come true to babysit them and my BIL then mentioned “it will be like us having our own baby”. They have never once asked to babysit my other BIL’s children, it is only ever for our baby.

There have been other moments which my SIL has called out as being a bit strange where they will almost act like a family with our baby and try and have special moments with them.

Am I being unreasonable to think there’s a strange obsession with our baby as this doesn’t happen with the other children in the family? Or is this normal excited new baby behaviour?

I think they are head over heels in love and enjoying pretending having a baby together. My MIL and step MIL have both asked to do bath time with my 4 month old so I don't think that's too unusual. I think it sounds quite innocent but I'd be annoyed with them treating the baby like a little doll.

Oh I just want to add to this though- your baby your rules, you're your babies advocate so if it makes you uncomfortable 100% say no!!

@Hillrunning your post made me smile How lovely to be besotted with babies!

Personally, although i have 4 wonderful DCs of my own who i love with all my heart, i've just never felt like that about babies.

I remember looking at the midwives when my kids were born - all gooey over all the babies - and thinking ''wow they really love babies and thank god for it!'' 😂

The only way i can relate to it at all is to replace the word 'baby' in your post with 'kitten or puppy' and then yep - i'm with you all the way!

sorry, off thread OP.

Babies in baths are really cute! My little one loves a warm bath and, although too small to laugh, gives these really contented sighs and waves her hand in and out of the water. She'll also try to bat at a little yellow duck. She's even fallen asleep in the bath (with me holding her tight!), she's so content in there.

OP, don't let them have sole charge if you're uncomfortable with it but I wouldn't say the bath thing is necessarily a red flag. I wouldn't let anyone else have my baby around water without me supervising though and no pictures.

I also think trust your gut

There is something about people who act as if babies are dolls or for their own entertainment that is really icky, because they are thinking of their own amusement and not of the baby's contentment.

In your shoes, There are two things that would be a concern for me, in terms of safety. Are your BIL/GF handling the baby properly? Supporting the baby's neck/head well without having to be reminded? Not having hot cups of tea right next to them. That sort of thing. I'm remembering how slippery a wigging baby can be when you are getting them in and out of the bath and how they'd need to be paying close attention for safety's sake, rather than giggling etc.

The other issue I'd recall is when relatives who were not used to children, would grab babies/newborns and then Bounce them over vigorously to the point where their heads flopped about and they started to cry and finding this hilarious and then tell you to calm as they are having their "turn" or kept passing the child from one to another when you are trying to reclaim them. (If only I'd had Mumsnet for advice in those days) That's what I mean.

If you think they are good at handling the baby and that they are careful about safety, then that is a sign in their favour. It sounds as though you are worried about their over possessiveness vibes. But only you can know if that's just irritation or genuine concern.

But given that your antennae are waving, it might be better to wait until the baby is a bit older and more robust before allowing them. You are the mum at then end of the day.

I meant to post - i wouldn't leave anyone unexperienced in sole charge of my new baby in water.

I'd be hovering about and watching.

How old is your baby op?

I reckon they're (she's) really broody and it is a bit if playing at being Mommy and Daddy albeit in a constricted safe way.

Is think it's harmless and will wear off when baby is a snotty toddler and wanders off by themselves.

Not sure what you mean about the trying to create special moments with baby but honestly, I'd exploit it. Let them babysit, they then fuss over whilst you enjoy a hot drink!

You don't find like you think it's sinister, so just humour then their excitement. Kids aren't harmed from being loved by safe adults

I’d think that your baby has been honed in on because he/she is younger than the 1.5 year old and the first born rather than having older siblings.

It doesn’t sound like anything sinister. It sounds like they’re in love. My bet is your bil wouldn’t be very interested in your baby if it weren’t for his girlfriend. If she’s a good person, them being a couple will make him a better person.

A child can never have too many people love them. I’d try and see it as a positive thing.

Yes, this.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff ”There is something about people who act as if babies are dolls or for their own entertainment that is really icky, because they are thinking of their own amusement and not of the baby's contentment.”

I agree. This is really important. Anybody who looks after a baby should be 100% focused on the baby’s safety and wellbeing, and completely prepared to give up their own comfort and wants as much as necessary. The fun and photos are a bonus, not any major part.

I don't think your baby in special. It sounds like they're trying to play happy families with a baby and yours is the only one available. As soon as that's out of their system (when baby is no longer a little baby) you won't see them again.

@ninjafoodienovice obviously, I would say my baby is the cutest baby around 😂, but we do generally get a lot of comments ok how beautiful they are and people gushing over them.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff I think you are right, it’s a bit icky how someone uses a real life baby for their own imagination. The babe is 6 months, so can hold their head etc. We did have one issue about kissing. I caught her kissing our baby once and my BIL gets coldsores, so my husband told him to stop kissing the baby as it can be so dangerous if it gets passed on. This also made my skin prickle as I would never, ever kiss someone else’s baby. I don’t even kiss my niece or nephew and I’ve been in the family for nearly 14 years.
My BIL will overstep sometimes and won’t give me back the baby when they’re crying, or will try and take the baby when he’s upset, but the girlfriend is good at saying “I think he needs his mum” and tells him to hand the baby back, so I think it is mainly ignorance/wanting to be able to comfort the baby.

Some of these posts are very OTT. Some people are really into babies. I have a friend like this, she is mad about babies and dogs and even with strangers in cafes etc she'll always go over and make a big fuss whilst I hide.
@NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting they are a newish couple, want a baby and yours is convenient. Bathing a 5 year old or toddler really isn't as much fun. I really don't think there's anything sinister going on. You don't feel comfortable because you probably wouldn't feel like this towards someone else's baby.
I was in a cafe once and baby ds sneezed and before I could even look up the man working there had come over and wiped his snotty nose. I felt very weird about it, but when I reflected on it it was because I wouldn't dream of doing that to a stranger's baby. No doubt if I'd posted about it on here they would have been calling him a paedophile and "only closest carers should wipe noses" but he was very nice, explained that his kids had grown up and he was now wiping nises of his dgc.

@SleepingStandingUp they are 6 months, so definitely in the fun and more interactive stage compared to the potato newborn stage and before they become a snotty toddler.

I think it’s because I am SO different with other people’s children and babies and wouldn’t act the same way, even if I think they are the most adorable thing which is making me a bit wary.

Yeah me too. Nothing red flaggy enough to cut them off but I would avoid the babysitting and definitely no bath time with them. It could just be from a place of ‘loved up couple go gooey over over baby as a glimpse of their future life’ but I would take the risk.

@winterpastasalad you are right. As much as I love spending time with my niece and nephew as babies or with friend’s babies, I’ve never felt or thought that this is how it could be with my husband.

It's possibly a back handed compliment. In so
Much as they feel more comfortable with you and your DH and in your home and therefore with your DC.

PLEASE listen to your instincts on this one and don't leave them alone with the baby. We had a similar situation with an over keen relative (by marriage) and he did turn out to be a paedophile. I'm not saying this is the case here, but it could be and it's not worth the risk.

If you ever have a funny feeling about someone offering to babysit, listen to it. We had a (friend of a) friend and his GF being really keen to babysit my newborn and in particular offering to change nappies. I said no and was told my PPD was making me over-cautious, but i stuck to my no. Found out years later that he's a convicted paedophile who is particularly into under-4s. (If I ever see him again I don't think I could stop myself from killing him with my bare hands.)

If you say yes, worst that could happen is... really, really bad.

If you say no, worst that could happen is, they are slightly offended and think you're a bit precious. That's a risk I'm fine with.

So it's a no from me.

They’ve been together for only 8 months and plan to ttc soon?? Text bil back and tell him that you no longer need a babysitter. Don’t ever let bil or his new gf be alone with your baby. Very weird this stranger is obsessed with your baby and takes photos. Tell your bil you feel very uncomfortable that his gf takes photos of your baby without your permission and doesn’t share the photos with you.

@vivaespanaole does that mean I should be laying some boundaries? It’s so difficult as I can see they obviously love him and spend time, but surely there’s a line they are over crossing?

Babies are way cuter than 1.5 years and 5 years. It's almost better NOT to hang out with other people's toddlers or pre-schoolers if you want children as they usually put people off!

It sounds like they're very over excited at the thought of children and it's impacting on your private family time. They wont understand how precious that time is right now so just tell them to back off a bit.

@RoseFl0wers I know, it’s absolutely mental and they don’t even live together. Me, the husband and rest of the family have expressed our concerns or made comments that it’s the toughest thing on a relationship and should be taken with caution, but they are in their 30’s and 40’s, so adults and I guess only so much we can do or say.

@GemGemGemGemGemGem @M08my I this is what is I keep telling myself, I wouldn’t be questioning things if something wasn’t off, but at the same time, I’m trying to be the ‘cool and relaxed FTM’. I’ll stick to my gut instinct.

If you have any worries, no matter how small, it is not overreacting to err on the side of caution when it comes to your child. Given you’ve noticed these strange things, and they seem
strange to you, don’t put your child in any potential danger because you don’t like conflict!!!

“The line” is going to be different for everyone. As baby’s parent, you get to decide where it is for you. I think this thread has given you a pretty wide spread of how people would approach it, now it’s up to you to decide what you’re comfortable with. You’re clearly not happy with the situation as it is, so you need to work out what you’re willing to allow, and what not. No bathtimes, no babysitting? No bathtimes, limited babysitting? No photos?