Too overfamiliar with my baby?

[NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting]

Trying to keep this vague as possible to remain as anonymous as I’d hate to be outed and cause family drama.

There’s been several things that have happened with my BIL and his newish girlfriend (they’ve been together 8 months) where I feel like my baby is almost a prop/new shiny object to them as they are overstepping boundaries to play families with him. I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive, but I need to hear from others if this is normal behaviour or if it would also make you uncomfortable.

We live in the same town as my BIL and they will often stop by ours to see our baby and ask if they can do bathtime with us, but they never do this with my other BIL and his children. The focus only seems to be on our baby.

I’ve spotted the girlfriend taking photos of my baby on her phone when she’s been around him, but not to send to me or my husband, but I’ve not said anything in the past as I hate conflict, but thinking I should as I don’t know if she posts these on social media etc. My BIL also sends her photos of them when she’s not around and she will often ask to see photos of our baby as well.

They also constantly ask if they can babysit for us and we have agreed that they can next week when we go out next week for a meal as my parents or MIL aren’t free. The girlfriend has said she’s so excited as she absolutely loves our baby and it’s a dream come true to babysit them and my BIL then mentioned “it will be like us having our own baby”. They have never once asked to babysit my other BIL’s children, it is only ever for our baby.

There have been other moments which my SIL has called out as being a bit strange where they will almost act like a family with our baby and try and have special moments with them.

Am I being unreasonable to think there’s a strange obsession with our baby as this doesn’t happen with the other children in the family? Or is this normal excited new baby behaviour?

I agree with this, something is off but not sure what. OP, I also think a mother's instinct is powerful and there for a reason, you should follow your gut on this.

I doted on my niece like crazy when she was born as did my husband, he would have taken photos of her without sharing them if he felt like it and it wouldn’t have been a ‘thing’ at all. My husband and I met and 2 months later, my sister announced she was pregnant so my niece played a huge part in the early days of our relationship and continues to be a really special person to us, we used to spend tonnes of time with her on our own. Im really close to my sister though so that all felt very natural.

We spent less time with our nephew when he came along, by then it was 4 years on and we had a mortgage etc etc. We also had our own baby a year after he was born so things had changed for us. Her kids are both still crazy important to us and she loves our child too, but only one of the 3 kids was doted on in the way we doted on our niece. My sister is like your BIL in that she already has children so got enough on her plate!

I’m not saying there isn’t anything to be wary of, just outlining my experience.

But the situation obviously isn’t actually a safeguarding concern

I don't see how that's obvious at all. People raised eyebrows at me too when I used to think that guy we knew was a weirdo. Then he got convicted of commissioning inappropriate photos of under 4s, so... the point is its often not obvious at all.

I'm not saying OP's BIL is a paedo. We can't know that. It's about balancing risks. By saying no, OP only risks slightly offending BIL. (And if BIL is reasonable/sensible, he won't even be offended). By saying yes, she risks far worse outcomes: low likelihood yes, but extreme severity. This is how safeguarding works. And safeguarding always applies.

i am getting a cold feeling reading this - the bathtime thing is bloody weird.

I would cancel your night out to be honest and not let them watch your child. I would rather offend than put myself n that position

That's just it though. They're over op like a rash because they're basically flirting and getting broody. If and when they have their own baby, they'll probably get bored, which is pretty harsh on op and her baby. I'd find it irksome too

oh - and trust your instinct.

I am creeped out reading this.

Stop worrying about conflict and set a boundary; tell the GF not to take photos and see if she respects that.

They're broody!

@WinterMusings people are not allowed to kiss our DC, I don't kiss DNs.

@Tandora it may or may not be a safeguarding concern but it can't be ruled out.

Instincts are to be trusted more than BILs.

OP please cancel the babysitting, not because they might be sinister, but because you're not comfortable with this overstepping. As you say it's favouritism at best but they also sound self-absorbed at best. I'd just find it very annoying even if my line of work hadn't made me more aware of risks to children.

Tandora
Why though? How is it doing you or anyone else harm if some extended family members want to show your baby a little love.
it’s sweet that they are interested in your baby- it’s your baby’s uncle after all. Foster all the relationships you can.
Also, I wouldn’t worry, people will get bored soon enough, and then you’ll probably find yourself wishing more people were more interested in your little one (and begging for babysitters!)

I totally disagree with this. It's not sweet. It's making the OP uncomfortable. Why should she allow people into her baby's life if she doesn't want to? Makes no difference if he's the baby's uncle or not... he's overstepping OPs boundaries so it needs to stop.

It's fine ,she will be just feeding broody.Babies are such social beings, they adore having some new faces to charm!

@MadamArcati99 I get that babies need new faces, but my baby shouldn’t be a toy or a prop for people to play families with, which is what this situation feels like.

@ASandwichNamedKevin I think I will cancel the babysitting as it isn’t sitting with me and I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my evening without worrying what’s happening back home.

I think some people just like babies. I've never understood the appeal myself but it's not so unusual. My younger cousin used to ask regularly to come round to 'see the baby'. They're a young couple too in the first throws of love and ttc. I bet every little smile or giggle seems interesting to them.
However I'd always go with my instinct. If it feels off stop it. Definitely don't leave your baby alone with them. If it just seems odd/unusual get used to that feeling. Lots of people do odd things all the time.

I think it’s a mixture of their behaviour towards our baby and not giving his other niece and nephew the same attention

I take it your baby is young though? Babies are really likeable things when young and you can put them and they stay or they are just starting to become mobile but you don’t have the running around that toddlers/children exhibit so you need to constantly be ‘on’ and two steps behind them. They are also great in that they can’t speak😁, they just sit there and smile or whatnot. I’ll happily visit a house with a baby to have a cuppa but you couldn’t get me into one with young kids with a cattle prod, maybe your BIL/girlfriend are the same?

I think I will cancel the babysitting as it isn’t sitting with me and I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my evening without worrying what’s happening back home.

Good. Just because you can't put your finger on precisely what is wrong here, doesn't mean you should ignore your feeling that this is off/odd/weird.

DSIL and new BIL were like this with DS - in particular new BIL, which set all of my red flags waving.

Turned out he was just cosplaying having a baby, and both of them dropped DS like a hot potato the moment SIL got a positive pregnancy test. Their DC is now family golden child, and DS was confused and upset about why they no longer had any interest in him whatsoever.

So. Yes it’s weird. No it isn’t actually nice for your child, they are using him as a prop to play at parenting. Yes I’m sure it will stop once your baby is older and less “cute”, or when they have a baby of their own, whichever happens first.

I think it sounds like they are all coupley and are using your baby to play happy families. It wouldn't bother me as long as they could be trusted but I would also expect the novelty to wear off

I am probably a "relaxed ftm" and I'd cancel the babysitting too.

My POV is simple : is the baby being prioritised and getting its needs met?
From what you have written while well meaning they can't do this so no unsupervised access.

I have 2 or 3 family members who are the same as bil and gf. I let them take selfies, dress the baby up in whatever weird outfit they have bought (as long as it is comfortable) and whatnot... but bath, feeds and changes are all done by responsible adults who actually know how to care for babies not play at it. One in law (female) offered to change DD and my DH's eyes widened as he took her off them and said it was no trouble he'd do it.

Equally we had friends who just married who openly said they wanted to "road test" my baby at her christening party and we were both fine with it. They are "normal" so engaged nicely /appropriately and werent up in her face or looking for entertainment. At first signs of grumbling came and found me/my DH.

I really do believe in trusting your gut.

Cancel the babysitting. It's okay to be excited about a new baby in the family but who's going to go out of their way to be taking pictures and wanting to be there for bathtime.. This sounds creepy. It's going too far and it's overstepping your boundaries. If a family member wanted to come over when it's my baby's bathtime it would signal a red flag to me.

Also, they keep asking to babysit. Something sounds off here. You mentioned that they're not doing this with other family members who have kids. Maybe they feel that you don't have strong boundaries so they're manipulating you into letting your guard down. Protect your child because you don't know what they're motives are here. Things just don't sound right. Just tell them you've thought about it and your not ready to leave your baby with anyone yet and if they try to persuade you or guilt trip you into changing your mind you know somethings not right.

In all fairness he wasn't with that girl when you had your other 2 so she wouldn't have bonded with them so well. Wouldn't bother me we have 3 under 2s everyone visiting dives in bathtimes,mealtimes to help and all the girls especially love bath time because the babies are so cute and warm and cuddly. I never know who's gona have who look after them each evening but when all I hear is laughing and giggles and my happy babies I'm just so grateful for help and that they are getting a ton of love off everyone

I would cancel the babysitting.

Listen to your gut feeling. You should not do anything you don't feel comfortable with when it comes to your baby.

@Saschka i do think my child will be dropped as it has happened with one of the other children in the family by my BIL (his gf wasn’t in the picture at the time).

i think my husband and I are so different in that we’ve never begged to babysit our niece or nephew and our relationship with them and how much attention we give them has remained the same throughout their lives. I don’t see this happening with my BIL and girlfriend and our baby, simply because I’ve seen it happen to the other older children. The baby novelty wore off, so now they don’t get involved or want to spend time.

it’s very obvious when we spend time as a family at my MILs with all the children there. They beg us to wear our baby in the carrier on walks, but would never ask to wear the 1.5 year old for example. They would want to hold and cuddle our baby, but never play games with the older children. The attention is always on the baby, so I imagine it is cosplaying which is what I’m uncomfortable with.

I wouldn't let him babysit as he has no concept of danger, thinking there is no harm in feeding a baby food that is a really obvious, well-known chocking hazard and then mocking you for alerting him to this. He lacks awareness, the ability to risk assess and cannot accept feedback that challenges his ideas, I would be concerned that he would ignore your advice and do something dangerous anyway since he seems to think he knows better.

@MadeofElephantStone I’ve always thought of it as ignorance, but been able to handle it as I’ve been with my baby. However, thinking about being out and leaving my baby with him with no guidance doesn’t fill me with confidence, which I should follow.

Exactly, he will probably start feeding baby whatever he fancies to see how it goes.